So here we are, 2014, another year ahead of us. It is always so weird putting the year down as 2014. Its actually weird for me to put down anything past 2011, its even more shocking that I refer to my car as almost new as its a 2002 plate. Silly time and the tricks it likes to play on us. Well Christmas was great. New Years was a lovely night out and a brilliant way to start the new year. Would be nice to make that a yearly meal that we go to.
Things haven’t been so great in my mind lately. My CPN has disappeared on sick and I’ve no one else to talk to about these things. I’ve started self harming since about two weeks ago and it has been progressively getting a lot worse. It started with bruising. An agreement I made with myself as it is less serious than cutting. So its progressed from punching my arms to using a blunt instrument, then progressing to stabbing myself with a screwdriver, then progressing to a knife. Its like I feel crap unless I am hurting. When I have hurt myself I feel a lot better physically for some reason. Adam thinks it is to do with wanting to stop something from coming out. Which is why I chose my arms because by stopping them I stop myself from using them. Otherwise as he kindly pointed out, I would do it to my legs. maybe I should change tactics and go for the legs.
I know it needs to stop but its not doing anyone any hard, just means that I wear long sleeve tops all the time.
Urgh. I remember when he made a comment when I was sitting on my hands. Saying that it represents me holding back something. Since then I have never sat on my hands out of fear of being accused of holding something back. Its not like I’m depressed or anything. If I was I could make sense of it but its I don’t know. When I look at my body after what I’ve done there is a moment of pride which makes me feel liberated in a way.
The other massive problem that I have is the lust for violence. It is so incredibly annoying. The voices don’t help much when it comes to this territory. It feels natural, dirt, thats what comes to mind, dirt, clean, winter air, sterile and procedural. Not wrong. The opposite of the feelings I sometimes get. If I take now as an example, I can sense that the feelings are there. Just behind that one over there, I can almost feel it coming to the surface but its not. I know it is there and it is enough that I know that. The other feelings, the cold, I can feel at any time. Sort of an instant recall. urgh. maybe its the people that are in the way of the warm feeling. those people are cold.
So two days have passed since I wrote the above. It still makes sense when I read it so must be OK and not a delusional rant. I’m tired today for some reason. I came home early from work as my head just wasnt in the right place. I self harmed on my arm again. I really don’t know what the fascination is with doing this. Hopefully I will grow out of it or become board. It was much easier just taking prescription medication to take the edge off but we know what dark dangers lurk down that avenue.
It is really taking its toll on D. I really need to find a way to suppress it or talk to her about it without it freaking her out. There must be a way, otherwise it’ll be true, people like me need to be on there own. This, I imagine, would be disastrous for me as it would leave me able to fall into past habits, I also have strong feelings of love for D.
It sounds nice outside with the rain. I’ll need to convince D that I should have the window open as I love hearing the sound of rain falling.
So I have been writing this for three days now, I keep adding or editing bits. I still don’t think I will post this as it is a bit personal, especially when it comes to the lust for violence. People might take that badly and see me as a monster when I’m pretty sure I’m not. I had to take yesterday off as my brain was getting to much to handle. It was constant whispering and negative thoughts. Actually I left work early on the Monday. It was just too much having to try and work and hear bad things like that. I had to resort to self harming with a screwdriver, just to stop the voices. I don’t mind when its loud but its the whispers that you can’t make out which freak me out the most. It is like they are talking about me and I’m not allowed to hear what they say.
I’ve done well though. I didn’t resort to any extra circular medication, which is usually my big downfall. I think I have worked out why the particularly bad mood is here. On Saturday I went to see R, she ran at me and we hugged. She said she misses me lots. That broke my heart. It also made me angry at J because she must know this and that bothers me most of all. Its not about me and her, its about R and me. Maybe I’ll send her an email explaining what happened and how I feel about it. Maybe then she will let me see her out of the contact centre. Not sure where we could meet but I don’t care so long as I see R.
Its lunch time. Makes me regret having lunch early today as it will make the day drag. I’m dizzy as hell as well. God knows what is going on there. I’ve been quite dizzy the past few days. Drunk dizzy but no drinking. Very odd. Delayed response from pills? hmm. Will mention it to the GP. I also need to call Councillor Lane to see if they have a replacement CPN. I need to show them the self harm to see if it is or will cause me to have problems. Meh.
This will be the final time I revisit this post as otherwise it will start getting to long to read. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to realise that more often. I’m looking forward to home time and coming back to see my mini family. Odd feeling but lovely at the same time.
See, things are getting better in the world.