SO I havent resorted to drinking yet which is always a plus. I had another wobble. These past few months have been relentless with them. I know I’m supposed to realise that wobbles happen, you execute the care plan and then it stops before flairing up again. Some days great, other days irrational thoughts overload! Medication plays 10% but then the rest is up to you to work through. Which in all fairness I am actually trying to do.

An example being, I have developed this amazing problem wehrein I can’t leave the house unattended or only if I know people won’t see me. I get heart palpatations from just looking outside. I think people are talking about me, pointing and I can hear them shout things. My brain being somewhat trained realises this is a chemical imbalance of some sort. I feel the fear no less stronger knowing that by the way. Hence why I call it irrational. My plan of attack is Promazine. A rapid acting anti-psychotic which complements the others that I’m on. I take a spoonfull and sit for 15 mins while it kicks in. I then look out of the window again. Everything is blurry but some how its a bit safer now. I can walk around the block with the dog, keeping my eyes and gaze down, its ok. I have to push myself to do it but thats the working through your problems part. I manage the first 5 minutes by doing it one minute at a time. If I get to a point where the next minute is impossible, I turn around and walk back.

Its been 2-3 months of this now and its getting rather annoying. The fact that I cannot control my emotions or to a certain degree, my thought patterns, is really frustrating. I KNOW people arent talking about me. But trust me, they are! I don’t want to go out there because people will follow me and shout abuse as they walk past. The feeling of dread now consuming my stomach. I mean honestly. Can’t even control an emotion even when faced with overwhelming evidence that you should be feeling something else. No control. Mental.

And that just triggered me. FML.

I’ve got an appointment for assessment on Friday morning with the specialist again. I’m dreading it. Its at the hospital.

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Randomness about me :) I live in Manchester (UK), this is my corner of the web to rant, vent and keep a diary of random events in my life.

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