Wednesday

I think I have screwed myself over.

Feel like crap. Just can’t wake up, body is aching, everything is uncomfortable now. It is very annoying. All I want to do is go and have a nap somewhere but I know that I can’t incaseI slip into a coma of some sort. I’ve just popped 6 pro-plus so hopefully that should shunt me back into life.

I also need to get some work done and focus.

Must of been the Steraline. I remember having this feeling once before and I think it was after taking that.

D is also ill at the moment. I know I should be there to help but am so scared that work will go mental because I need to leave and look after the kids. Sounds stupid typing that but in this ‘current climate’ I think everyone is scared of there own shadows in case they find themselves out of work.

I can’t stop yawning. Blah.Blah.Blah.

Tuesday

The GP was less than helpful.

I think this is because he drives a porchse with a personalised license plate. Well. Either it makes him useless or means he has a very small penis. One of the two. Maybe both? I won’t be the one to find out.

“I don’t know how to treat you”
“I don’t know what to say”
“You are looking at needing a liver transplant
“You shouldn’t of told the Priory to stop”
Follow by:
“I don’t know how to treat you, I have had mental issues myself but still don’t understand why your behaviour is out of control”
Then:
“Is there anything else I can help you with”

I love my GP. Thus the cycle repeats and will see him in two weeks.

Livers. Bet they are going cheap in China. I’ll have a look into that.

Monday Part Two

I like listening to music. I bet if I search my thing it will report that I say it on a monthly basis.

I must admit I am an iTunes whore, monthly binges getting the latest from all genres so I can listen to the different styles and what ‘people’ are into at the moment. My headphones are also broken. Which is a shame because they are dr Dre beats ones. Apparently you  can send them back. One of the ear phone things is working so am reluctant to send them away as I don’t have any. Shame. It being pay day tomorrow I might go and treat myself in HMV at the traff.

Tinie Tempah. I wonder if he is tiny.

So yes. My life doesn’t have the controls that I’ve battled hard to put in place. They have slipped away and I still have to take extra medications to help cope. Its more thought based again. I think the more time I spend with ‘lucid’ thoughts the more dangerous it is, it seems to happen and be caused by my dreams. I’m used to having horrific ones since August due to the medication I am aware it causes the night terrors. Very annoying. I suppose thats why the latent fasination with caffiene & epinephrine. Well. Psueudo. Although injectable form would be better. It keeps me in a light state of being awake and the dreams aren’t as vivid. Although the ‘did I dream that’ comes into it quite a bit. I’d wake up almost in tears because I forgot to do things but I only dreamt that I did.

Maybe a change in direction is needed.

I wrote a letter to the priory thanking them for there help since August and that I will no longer be attending. I’m not sad about it but I don’t want to waste there time. They ask me to do things and I don’t do them. In fact I’ve gotten into the over-dose habbit. BUT as stated before at least I’m not drinking and self harming. I see that as a positive. I still have arguements with my thoughts. I still get the ups and downs. Not down downs. BiPolar downs. So manic then not. I was manic for a few days last week but have calmed down to rationality which is helping.

Work. Well. The joy is fleeting due to red tape and misguided bets. Shame really because work is the one thing I have always prided myself on doing. I can get the leads. I can them the sales they need. I still do. Just its starting to get. Hard mentally in my insanity. Thats what she said.

Alyssa Reid. Not to bad.

I need to think of a nice meal to try and make tonight after my failed attempt last night. I have £2.09 in the bank so it will be beans on toast. But pay day tomorrow. Hurrah.

Heh. Flo Rida. Reminds of the band Eternal.

My diary is still empty from the past week and so far this week. Tis only monday though. Might have to ‘lorem ipsum’ the blank pages so at least its filled in. I don’t like the blank space.

Night.