So I started taking all my meds again. I stopped taking Sertraline in the hopes it would help to bring my weight down. Turns on the side effects are a bit too much for me to handle. I lasted two weeks. Maybe now isn’t the right time to come off them.
Last night me and Doti went out for a drink at a local American restuarant. I missed spending time with her. 1 on 1 time rather than kids running round and generally causing havoc. We had cocktails and desserts. It was awesome.
Hi. Let me introduce myself, I’m Andy and this is my blog. I try and update it but fail quite often. If you are one of my friends, then I normally ‘moan’ at you on either Messenger or Skype when I’m on.
You know when you have the urge to do something but can’t quite visulise how you can do it? I get that quite often. I want to write about my life and what is going on but I can’t find a way to get started. I still, for some reason, have two emails in my drafts folder. The first of these is a list of the medications I was on back in 2012. The second email is one I wrote to the Samaritons, I can’t honestly remember if I sent it or not. I read them often to remind me of when times were bad and how far things have progressed since those dark days. I’m not saying everything is perfect now, dark days still loom but I feel I am more equipped to handle them. My point being in this paragraph is that I have the ‘tools’ to do the post, but lack the co-ordination, if that is the right word.
So lets start with the present and how things are now. Far more interesting and relevant since your past is just that, the past.
Family life is going well. I consider the fact I got married last year as a huge milestone and development in my life. Stability in a non-stable world. Doti has been a godsend and has stood by me throughout the past few years. The amount of things she has had to go through because of me is amazing, whats more amazing is that she is still here by my side.
We all moved across from Manchester last year to be in a nicer area to raise the kids. Ben & Suzi both love it here. It is an amazing place for young kids. Both have settled into school and both enjoy going. It’s school holidays now, so hopefully they can spend time with their respective friends.
Doti is doing well as can be expected I think, she has finished her college and is looking to do more studying in September this year. She has had a rough year, I think we both have, with lots of things failing or not quite going as planned. That said, not much else can go wrong so hopefully that is the end of our bad luck spree.
Rebecca is still with her mum and what is an up-hill struggle doesnt seem to be any closer to being resolved. Its in the hands of the court at the moment and I’ve been waiting a long time for a reply, despite several reminder emails. I still send her presents and things for special occasions. Recently she lost her first tooth, so box from the toothfairy appeared at her house heh.
My friends are doing well. Granted these days I can count them on one hand, but then I’m guessing as a result of moving out the area and for whatever other reasons, I am finding it hard to reconnect with my friends this side of the border. Owen is still my best friend, I couldn’t ask for a better one. Always there with an ear to listen and is always good company when I train it over to Sheffield. Distance doesnt come into it. Sean has also been a great friend, always a pleasure to go and see him over in Manchester for food & walking about.
Since May 2014 I have been off work with bad health. I’ll explain more about this shortly. At the end of June I managed to get a job working as an Operations Support Engineer over here in wales. The job went well. Nice and easy, annoying shifts but my mental health rapidly started declining so after consulting family & friends I decided to end the job. Hopefully I have made the right decision. This leads us onto the next section…
Now, as my friends know, I have been diagnosed with several different things since late 2011. Back in 2010 is was depression & anxiety but was quickly discovered to be other things. That is all I will say about that, as I am trying to move on from being labeled. Hence trying to find work even though I’m not supposed to do any work.
The past few weeks have been a real rollercoster ride. From feeling extreme guilt from being at work while others had to sacrifice there time to look after the kids left me feeling shaken and I ended up self harming. I then started freakng out about freedom and generally feeling very trapped. There was a whole host of reasons as to why I needed to stop. I suppose it peaked when I was parked outside work, blacked out for ten minutes and so decided to drive back home. At least I can hold my head up and say that I genuinely tried, just short of a month. I think I will take everyones advice and try something part time first and see how I get on with that.
I miss my friends alot these days. We can’t afford for me to go Manchester or Sheffield very often which really bothers and upsets me. Thats when the disappointment creeps in and just kicks me that I couldn’t stick out for longer to keep the job, to be ‘normal’.
As for the future, I don’t know what it will hold. I’m looking at teacher training after being prompted by Doti. Not sure if its a great idea but it is something that I would love to do. My police record might stop me from passing the enhanced CRB but its worth a try. Might be worth doing a check privately just to see what it says. I know there are a couple of cautions in the past few years but nothing that would stop me working with young people or anything like that. The whole debt thing gets disclosed as well. Did I mention we are saving so I can go bankrupt? that should be good. Six years and a clean slate to start again. Not start in debt again but to of learned my lessons and get a house with the family and lead by example.
Now thats the present and future covered, which makes me feel a bit relieved and less on my chest. I’ve still got more that I want to say but that can wait for another time.
If you have read this so far, then well done and thank you for taking the time.
Feel like crap. Just can’t wake up, body is aching, everything is uncomfortable now. It is very annoying. All I want to do is go and have a nap somewhere but I know that I can’t incaseI slip into a coma of some sort. I’ve just popped 6 pro-plus so hopefully that should shunt me back into life.
I also need to get some work done and focus.
Must of been the Steraline. I remember having this feeling once before and I think it was after taking that.
D is also ill at the moment. I know I should be there to help but am so scared that work will go mental because I need to leave and look after the kids. Sounds stupid typing that but in this ‘current climate’ I think everyone is scared of there own shadows in case they find themselves out of work.
I think this is because he drives a porchse with a personalised license plate. Well. Either it makes him useless or means he has a very small penis. One of the two. Maybe both? I won’t be the one to find out.
“I don’t know how to treat you”
“I don’t know what to say”
“You are looking at needing a liver transplant”
“You shouldn’t of told the Priory to stop”
“I don’t know how to treat you, I have had mental issues myself but still don’t understand why your behaviour is out of control”
“Is there anything else I can help you with”
I love my GP. Thus the cycle repeats and will see him in two weeks.
Livers. Bet they are going cheap in China. I’ll have a look into that.
I like listening to music. I bet if I search my thing it will report that I say it on a monthly basis.
I must admit I am an iTunes whore, monthly binges getting the latest from all genres so I can listen to the different styles and what ‘people’ are into at the moment. My headphones are also broken. Which is a shame because they are dr Dre beats ones. Apparently you can send them back. One of the ear phone things is working so am reluctant to send them away as I don’t have any. Shame. It being pay day tomorrow I might go and treat myself in HMV at the traff.
So yes. My life doesn’t have the controls that I’ve battled hard to put in place. They have slipped away and I still have to take extra medications to help cope. Its more thought based again. I think the more time I spend with ‘lucid’ thoughts the more dangerous it is, it seems to happen and be caused by my dreams. I’m used to having horrific ones since August due to the medication I am aware it causes the night terrors. Very annoying. I suppose thats why the latent fasination with caffiene & epinephrine. Well. Psueudo. Although injectable form would be better. It keeps me in a light state of being awake and the dreams aren’t as vivid. Although the ‘did I dream that’ comes into it quite a bit. I’d wake up almost in tears because I forgot to do things but I only dreamt that I did.
Maybe a change in direction is needed.
I wrote a letter to the priory thanking them for there help since August and that I will no longer be attending. I’m not sad about it but I don’t want to waste there time. They ask me to do things and I don’t do them. In fact I’ve gotten into the over-dose habbit. BUT as stated before at least I’m not drinking and self harming. I see that as a positive. I still have arguements with my thoughts. I still get the ups and downs. Not down downs. BiPolar downs. So manic then not. I was manic for a few days last week but have calmed down to rationality which is helping.
Work. Well. The joy is fleeting due to red tape and misguided bets. Shame really because work is the one thing I have always prided myself on doing. I can get the leads. I can them the sales they need. I still do. Just its starting to get. Hard mentally in my insanity. Thats what she said.