I don’t know you and you don’t know me but what is clear is that I am me therefore you must be you. I used to have such a hard time with that. That being that other people exist and its not just me and everyone here is a figment of my imagination.
I used to stare at their heads and wonder what would happen if I were to smash it in with a hammer. Just to see if there is something there and that I’m not alone. I used to get these urges all the time at university when I started to notice things weren’t quite right.
So I fail at life.
Of this I am painfully aware yet I keep trying, pressing on and failing more times. But then at least I keep trying to do things and not give up or play the mental health card.
Maybe I should give up trying but then I think I haven’t failed at everything.
- I’ve taken a break from drinking wine.
- I no longer take Narcotics
- I don’t nap nearly as often as I used to
I’m sure there is more but I cannot think of any.
The gist of it is, I’m losing, or have already, lost my wife because of all the failures 😦
I’ve been meaning to do an update for a while now. But as you can guess from the title, I never get round to it. Usually distracted by things, or generally being lazy.
Things are ok at the moment. Mental health wise I’m just getting over a few bumps in the road and am starting to generally return to normal.
Sleep is starting to become an issue. I can sleep forever in the morning but come evening I find it hard to wind down. Sitting at my laptop at midnight with Steam running probably doesn’t help matters.
So I’ve been staring at this blank screen for 15 minutes now and can’t find the urge to type. Not sure why. Used to love blogging.
See if I can do a post later tonight about it.
*sigh* I feel a bit disappointed in myself for not being able to muster up a post yesterday. I know I shouldn’t, doesn’t change anything though!
I have been
I’m still not 100%. Thoughts, eyes and such as somewhat uncoordinated causing a paranoia forcing me to keep my head down. Physically. Hopefully it will pass. It usually does, just makes life weird. Its like you are scared of anything & everything so you hide. Problem is, hiding causes a flair up in the personality disorder. It makes you ashamed. Ashamed that you have to hide and not face the world. This in turn draws out several negative emotions ultimately leading to punishment to keep things at bay. Enter, self harm and screaming.
That said I did force myself out the door today. So that was a nice big f*ck you to the disorders. Granted I needed a nap this afternoon but I’m feeling better than I did yesterday or this morning.D has been amazing with saying the right things which has helped greatly.
The voices. Bare with me on this one. I keep hearing my name being shouted which is very annoying. Its an external voice rather than an internal monologue. I keep getting up to see whose there. So I have combated this by sticking on Spotify (David Bowie at the mo) which if I focus on intently the voice reduces.
I’m missing my mum today. Dora too. and Owen but he lives which is great. Two people who didn’t deserve to die the way they did. Meh.Nothing can be done about that but I’m still having issues processing them dying. Its like a missing link in my head. I understand that they were here, they lived, they had memories, they had people who loved them and yet now its gone. Where have all the memories and love gone? What, where, how and why? Makes it pointless. Death that is.
Sorry for the gloomy post
That’s all I managed to write yesterday, today is a bit better so I can write more. I’m currently in a manic cycle.I prefer these moods than low ones. I just need to be around people when I’m in this mood otherwise I tend to go a bit crazy. Not bad crazy but more of an energized version of me. Unfortunately a side effect of this is a craving for self mutilation for some reason. Fortunately I can be talked out of it quite quickly and just keep busy till it passes (typically from a few hours to a couple of days).
Today was a nice day. We all went to Manchester to see D’s mum. Had awesome food and kids loved it there as well. It was nice sitting there having coffee. Proud that I went as I was on the verge of asking to dodge. Thats a few times in the past couple of months now where I have managed to pull my sh*t together and do something. Crazy brain, you DONT control me!
My name is Andy.
I used to be a serial blogger but life got in the way.
The point of this blog is to have a free space where I can rant & rave or just put short stories from my life. I’ll go over a few important things first that I think is relevant.
I’m not sure how open I can be on here, but I promise I will try my best.
Now. I am married and have three wonderful children. Two who are mine, one of which doesn’t live with me and another through marriage. The family and I have recently moved back to North Wales from Manchester. I do miss parts of being in Manchester but then I’m sure I will go on about it later on.
So may I present my wonderful family:
They don’t always dress up like this, it was from Halloween a few days ago.
And I’m back to not knowing what to type. I’ll come back. I think the problem is that so much has happened since I was last on here. So I’ll take it one step at a time and start with a bit more about me!
So as I said, my name is Andy. I am 32 years old. I’m diagnosed with BPD (Border line personality disorder), PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. Its something I have but it does not define who I am.
What can I say, a picture paints a thousand words. Felt nice to type that up. I’m a prolific self harmer but that is mostly down to low self esteem. I am medicated and stable thanks in part to those medications.
I have piercings and even a tattoo which I don’t recall having.
I’m 6 ft 2″ and in need of a diet and training. Something I’m hoping to start doing soon as hopefully it will improve my self esteem.
I also own a mechanical keyboard which will go flying out of the window for being too loud! Great for game-play, Bad for trying to be quiet at 2am.
It has been a while since I have been on here. I’ll have a tinker.