21st Century Breakdown

Hello.

Twenty-first century breakdown
I once was lost but never was found
I think, I am losing what’s left of my mind
To the twentieth century deadline

So. I can’t keep staring at the blank screen so I’ll just see how it goes. Firstly, the meme to the left is aimed more at me than anyone else. No one really bothers me much these days. To much negativity to be dragging around. I suppose of the “features” of the condition is the ability to split and completely without a second thought to it, cut someone out of your life as if they never existed. You can’t always determine who the split will be. If its random then you have no control on the time it lasts. I can split for minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. It just totally depends what “he” decides.

I haven’t split unintentionally for a while now has been good. I’m sort of splitting from myself in a way. I really really hate myself so of course it makes a logical reason to feel that way with myself.

I’m aware you can’t split from yourself no more than can you walk through a wall. But, maybe, in psuedo thinking you could technically split from a personality thats trapped inside you. Or would that be giving up the battle? What if I just said “F*ck it” and be done with it. Accept the person that I’m supposed to be, stop the meds, lose control and let “him” be in charge. Its what he wants any way.

But alas I cannot give in. He knows how to hurt me. He shows me things I don’t want to see. Memories that I dont want to relive when I don’t behave. He knows the ultimate way of putting me down. My FP (favourite person) B. He knows that if he flashes an image of him whilst showing me the memories of sexual abuse when I was in my teenage years. He knows itll break me. Stop me dead in my tracks and throw me off and triggered for an unknown length of time.

See. You don’t get to choose your FP. Its a weird attachment thing that people with certain disorders have where you link or bond with someone and that person, good or bad, becomes the centre of your world. You would do anything to protect them and you would kill them by your own hand rather than expose them to hard. Its extreme. Its both fiery hot and freezing cold. You world crashes down should you think they think a bad thought about you. If it isnt perfect, if it isn’t amazing then you are welcomed with severe stomach piercing feelings. You pray, you beg, you cry out that you didn’t mean to upset them even though its only a tone of voice that you hear. That is slightly off, even if it isn’t there you find it.

Its exhaustive. Realistically, B has saved my life many a time. The simple imaginary look on his face when he hears I have died has silenced many attempts and hospital admissions. Thats not the problem though. I have that, its my safe guard. But the real crux of the problem? control. I can’t lose control, ever. If I let my guard down for a second, the other one moves in. I see flashes of the things he is doing. A creepy smile spreading on my face that I cannot stop.

Addiction. Not ideal when you want to lose control and escape for a few hours. I can’t abuse drugs any more. Well thats true and not true. I can sedate myself with prescribed meds and chill out for a few hours without losing control and so long as I don’t do it for days on end. I havent injected since 2012 which near year will be a ten year victory. I used to be addicted to Ampthetamine.

Not my most glamrous part of my life shooting up to deal with the world, to go to work, to behave, to stay awake. B was born in 2011. So the added pressures were used, for lack of a better word, excuses to abuse the hell out of my body. Those drugs made me lose control several times leading to social services intervention and a whole fun host of other things including the police.

That ten year victory sounds good now having just typed that.

I don’t think I’m at risk right now to be injecting. I’m just babbling about things that can cause the lack of control to occur, to free my other me.

Control. Got to walk the line. Which is incredibly thin sometimes.

Google Photos

I discovered that you can mass download all the photos you have saved with Google Photos. 129k photos. I kid you not! Found this gem of a photo which shows probably my first mobile phone back at the end of high school. Only fitting that its taken in the pub, where I was getting drunk aged 16. Ahh the memories 🙂

I’ve been casually looking through the photos all day. Some great memories, some truly horrific but I think its important to recognise both at the same time. Hide as I might from my past, it always comes back to you. I suppose thats what the medication is for, so I dont remember too much.

I’ve not been well the past few days. Mentally I’m struggling and now I’m getting physical symptoms as well. My stomach in knots, the other me trying to take over and burst out. Its like walking through cement again. I only just got over my last bump and now another one? so soon? I hate this. The way it makes me feel. The thoughts it makes me have and the pain I put through others by not being available.

I had my thearapy yesterday which I was dreading. Turned out to be super useful in the end as he gave me a few more things for my skills toolbox to use when things are getting bad. He also asked if I needed hospitalisation but I couldnt and wont put the burden onto the hospitals. They are busy enough with covid. I’ll get through it. Just wish I knew how to get rid of the physical feelings because its bursting at the seams. All I can do is sit and wait for it to pass. Act normal and keep going. Despite what the other one wants me to do.

Enough of that.

Watched the last episode of friends just now. I never got round to watching the last series so I’ve been watching it on and off with D this and last month. It ended. I wasn’t sad but thats because I was expecting it. D was in tears. I just kept thinking about the reunion episode and how much crap 4 of them had injected into there faces. Joey was the clear winner. Weight gain is natural. Botox is not.

Tomorrow is weekend. I promised B to take him swimming and then a visit to the museum while D goes to work. Looking forward to that. Proper daddy-son day. Hell. Might take him fishing on Sunday too, if I can find a new shelter tent to buy!

Have a great weekend everyone

MusixMatch = Win!

So I discovered an acoustic cover of one of my favourite songs. On your own by Blur. Its an old 90s song but one that instantly transports me back to the mini-disc days. I had one album which had this song on. I was in college, all of 17 and we were headed to Disney Land in Paris. It was part of a college trip to learn about the IT side of things behind the scenes. Which. Well. I dont actually remember anything IT related. I remember sneaking whisky into the park and sight seeing. Anyway. I was in the coach on the way back, 10 hour drive, I had this album on repeat, I closed my eyes and woke up a few hours later and all I remember is hearing this song when I woke up almost near the college.

Instant time travel. Poorly explained but makes me smile.

Smiling is a rare thing around here at the moment. We all have life’s stresses being thrown at us these days. D included with her work and me, well, the mental health and addictions are winning at the moment which I’m trying hard to fix.

As the title implies in the post I’m still listening to lots of music. I discovered this software than spits out the lyrics to the songs you’ve got running in Spotify. So I can have it on my other monitor and sing a-long with a DIY kareoke.

The cat sums up the mood.

Hope everyone else is having an awesome day.