Hi. Let me introduce myself, I’m Andy and this is my blog. I try and update it but fail quite often. If you are one of my friends, then I normally ‘moan’ at you on either Messenger or Skype when I’m on.
You know when you have the urge to do something but can’t quite visulise how you can do it? I get that quite often. I want to write about my life and what is going on but I can’t find a way to get started. I still, for some reason, have two emails in my drafts folder. The first of these is a list of the medications I was on back in 2012. The second email is one I wrote to the Samaritons, I can’t honestly remember if I sent it or not. I read them often to remind me of when times were bad and how far things have progressed since those dark days. I’m not saying everything is perfect now, dark days still loom but I feel I am more equipped to handle them. My point being in this paragraph is that I have the ‘tools’ to do the post, but lack the co-ordination, if that is the right word.
So lets start with the present and how things are now. Far more interesting and relevant since your past is just that, the past.
Family life is going well. I consider the fact I got married last year as a huge milestone and development in my life. Stability in a non-stable world. Doti has been a godsend and has stood by me throughout the past few years. The amount of things she has had to go through because of me is amazing, whats more amazing is that she is still here by my side.
We all moved across from Manchester last year to be in a nicer area to raise the kids. Ben & Suzi both love it here. It is an amazing place for young kids. Both have settled into school and both enjoy going. It’s school holidays now, so hopefully they can spend time with their respective friends.
Doti is doing well as can be expected I think, she has finished her college and is looking to do more studying in September this year. She has had a rough year, I think we both have, with lots of things failing or not quite going as planned. That said, not much else can go wrong so hopefully that is the end of our bad luck spree.
Rebecca is still with her mum and what is an up-hill struggle doesnt seem to be any closer to being resolved. Its in the hands of the court at the moment and I’ve been waiting a long time for a reply, despite several reminder emails. I still send her presents and things for special occasions. Recently she lost her first tooth, so box from the toothfairy appeared at her house heh.
My friends are doing well. Granted these days I can count them on one hand, but then I’m guessing as a result of moving out the area and for whatever other reasons, I am finding it hard to reconnect with my friends this side of the border. Owen is still my best friend, I couldn’t ask for a better one. Always there with an ear to listen and is always good company when I train it over to Sheffield. Distance doesnt come into it. Sean has also been a great friend, always a pleasure to go and see him over in Manchester for food & walking about.
Since May 2014 I have been off work with bad health. I’ll explain more about this shortly. At the end of June I managed to get a job working as an Operations Support Engineer over here in wales. The job went well. Nice and easy, annoying shifts but my mental health rapidly started declining so after consulting family & friends I decided to end the job. Hopefully I have made the right decision. This leads us onto the next section…
Now, as my friends know, I have been diagnosed with several different things since late 2011. Back in 2010 is was depression & anxiety but was quickly discovered to be other things. That is all I will say about that, as I am trying to move on from being labeled. Hence trying to find work even though I’m not supposed to do any work.
The past few weeks have been a real rollercoster ride. From feeling extreme guilt from being at work while others had to sacrifice there time to look after the kids left me feeling shaken and I ended up self harming. I then started freakng out about freedom and generally feeling very trapped. There was a whole host of reasons as to why I needed to stop. I suppose it peaked when I was parked outside work, blacked out for ten minutes and so decided to drive back home. At least I can hold my head up and say that I genuinely tried, just short of a month. I think I will take everyones advice and try something part time first and see how I get on with that.
I miss my friends alot these days. We can’t afford for me to go Manchester or Sheffield very often which really bothers and upsets me. Thats when the disappointment creeps in and just kicks me that I couldn’t stick out for longer to keep the job, to be ‘normal’.
As for the future, I don’t know what it will hold. I’m looking at teacher training after being prompted by Doti. Not sure if its a great idea but it is something that I would love to do. My police record might stop me from passing the enhanced CRB but its worth a try. Might be worth doing a check privately just to see what it says. I know there are a couple of cautions in the past few years but nothing that would stop me working with young people or anything like that. The whole debt thing gets disclosed as well. Did I mention we are saving so I can go bankrupt? that should be good. Six years and a clean slate to start again. Not start in debt again but to of learned my lessons and get a house with the family and lead by example.
Now thats the present and future covered, which makes me feel a bit relieved and less on my chest. I’ve still got more that I want to say but that can wait for another time.
If you have read this so far, then well done and thank you for taking the time.