Hello

So it happened again. I fell off the face of the earth again but alas I have now returned. I’ve not done a post recently as I’ve been busy sorting out my mental health stuff which was overdue a collapse.

Life has been ticking along. Kids are now in school again and life is starting to go normally again. I even managed to get out of the house a few times which has helped.

Ugh. Sat here for over an hour staring at the screen trying to type something. Anything. I’ve resorted to music blasting in my ears to hopefully get me moving and block some other the more sinister thoughts out.

Must be desperate rocking out to Something Corporate.

Gold Finger now. Marginally more acceptable.

I dont know why I always have to take something to feel better and be me. Unless its the feeling of not being me and thats what I like. Its always take an extra pill, or take that pill and you will feel better. Its horrible because it does make me feel better but its also a negative way of being positive.

Need to resist.

Merde.

Why does my brain do this?

I’m angry. Frustrated and demotivated to the point of throwing in the towel. Not with my day to day life but my work life.

I overheard a group of people at the job centre say “He can’t be that bad if he’s self-employed” amongst other things which are on my records. I was sat on the chairs and they were huddled around a computer. “It says here that” and “Oh we will have to question that” and a few other things. I thought they were talking about someone else till they said my name.

It shouldn’t effect me but it does. I work hard to not be my mental illness, have a normal life not locked away somewhere and this just feels like undermining everything that I am doing. Its taken a decade to get to this point. If we turned the clocks back 10 years it would be a very different story. I couldn’t think straight, I went off the rails with everything and it was one big mess. If I didn’t have D and then kids by my side I wouldn’t be the person I am today. They stood by me every time I messed up and they understood mostly what was going on. We have had to make massive changes in both living and attitudes to be at the point where I can run this new community interest project. I just didn’t need someone dumping on me whilst I wasn’t happy to be there in the first place.

I work 16 hours running a community interest project. I break even most months and everything is declared to job centre people so everything is legit and by the book. I can’t press myself to do it full time as I’m not ready for that, its hard work as it is getting motivated and focussed. They hinted that I might have to apply for real work and I tried to explain that I work 16 hours rather than being sat on benifits twiddling my thumbs. The doctors and consultants say I shouldn’t be working but I can’t do that anymore. So a year ago I started this. And its survived. I’m sure everything will come crashing down when they make all these new changes and then I’ll be forced between keeping my sanity and a full time job. The last job I applied for and got fired me before I started due to my disability. So yeah. That’ll be a barel of laughs.

Today I’m at the office working away fixing things. Wish there was air con or something as it gets very hot in here. Especially when there are more than one of you. B is at the sports club whilst S is with her dad down south for a week. D is having a “me day” which she truly deserves.

Might try and escape early. Depends on if I can get my head to think straight again.

We all went to Wales on Sunday, well me, D and B. We took his bike and we went to Colwyn Bay. Where we used to live, well, near it. It was nice because we got there a bit late in the day so all the tourists had left. We even managed to bag a table at an outdoor cafe for munchies. B decided to give us a heart attack by cycling a mile away without telling us. We thought he headed back to the car as agreed but alas he went right instead of left. Minutes away from calling the police. But glad he came back before that became a thing.

We stopped at the house where my dad used to live. They have totally changed how it looks and it looks amazing! I was sad to see it again because of the memories but I’m so happy that someone has taken it, fixed it up and then built extensions, new roof and all sorts. Hopefully mum and dad are smiling, where ever they might be.

Mum and Dad

So today was the day Dad died a couple of years ago. Mum died a few years before Dad on 24th August 2014. Dad had dementia and we looked after him after Mum died from lung cancer.

As you’ve come to expect from me I have mixed feelings with them both. I thought it only fitting that I break cover on the blog and put a photo up of my family at B’s christening. Dad on the left and mum is wearing the red dress.

I wanted to make a note this year about him. So here is the speech I made at his funeral.

Good afternoon, thank you for coming to celebrate the life of George. He truly led an extraordinary life.

For the avoidance of doubt, Dad was born in Glasgow. The accent never left or weakened over his life.  For those of us close to him, we learned the need to nod and agree at key moments when he spoke. I often referred to myself as his translater after mum died, giving warnings to his glasgow humour for which he was very well known.

A loyalist, a die hard Rangers fan who went hand in hand with his Orange Order marching; he always did things his way even if they drove everyone else insane. From rejecting the freemasons for the lodge, speaking his mind when others wouldn’t, never scared to be who he wanted to be or do what he wanted to do. He was unique, he lived his life and he lived it well.

Starting life as an engineer in the shipyards of the clyde. Working side by side with a now famous Billy Connolly, who was apparently lazy and up his own ar…backside. He worked on the QE2, then a British nuclear submarine where he saw Britain’s nuclear deterrent up close and personal. How he didn’t throw a spanner at one, I’ll never know such was his humour. He worked in many countries all over the world. He was a professional footballer playing in America at one point. Then the next he was working in Africa, tormenting German contractors. This was all trivial  in comparison to the day he met his future wife whilst working in a bar in Majorca.  Moving to Amsterdam living in my mum’s dads flat above the sweet shop. Before eventually returning to Britain and settling down to have a family. I’ll be sharing some fantastic stories later during the service.

He was a proud man. He was kind and generous, filled with a need to prove his love. He was bloody grumpy at times too but this was part and parcel of who he was. He wouldn’t have been Dad if he wasn’t a contradiction. A family man trying to do his best for his family.

A frightened man. Scared to be forgotten. His greatest fear after mum died was to be forgotten, to fade away unnoticed. How wrong he truly was. As news of his death started to spread, emails, cards and phone calls came in. Memories, left, right and centre. A discovery of a book written on the life he led in Majorca with his best friend Jim. He was loved. He is loved. He has been remembered and always will be. The true tragedy is that he would not believe you. No matter how many times he would be told he was far too humble to accept a thank you or a compliment. Usually fobbed off with a few choice glaswegian words.

He opened up more in recent years. I think everyone was shocked a bit with the amount of love demonstrated through the pain when his beloved wife passed. He showed a side me and David didn’t see that much of. He counted every single one of you here today as family. There was no distinction in blood. Workers from Decantae, who we both classed as our extended family. Coworkers from his contract days. Friends of David and I. Everyone. He loved to share stories of all of you. The last few years he clinged onto these memories. The love he had despite the dementia slowly destroying his sharp and witty mind. He clung onto those memories till he could no longer speak. He would tell anyone of these fantastic people who were such a massive part of his life. I know he would be so happy to see you all here today. Telling stories and celebrating the life of one crazy Scottish man, who never cared about being anything other than himself.

So please. Don’t forget. It would be a disservice to the life he led. His life now lives on in you. Each and every one of you. His name and legacy doesn’t end here today. David, me, Victoria. B, S and R. Everyone. Legends never truly die.

We thank you. God bless.

Rest well Dad. You deserve to.

Camping

We escaped the house and fled to Sherwood Forrest, where the legend of Robin Hood resides. When we got there (eventually after a 2 hour traffic jam) we pitched in the rain whilst the kids stayed in the car playing on phones.

We got soaked. Everything but we managed to get everything setup and changed into dry clothes and settled in with sausages and chips for dinner (we have a little oven). The camp site was also a fishery with 4 lakes and a canal. I brought all my fishing bits with me and taught the kids how to fish.

They loved it and what was even more precious? they both managed to catch a few fish over the weekend. D loved it as well, I had to wrestle one of the rods off her so the kids could have a go. I bought the kids a couple of poles but they found casting more fun so put two reels on.

It was so nice. Just relaxing by the canal. Catching the odd fish but that didnt matter. It was being outside, it was being with my family and an escape from the doom and gloom of the past few weeks.

We went out for a posh meal and Nina the dog was allowed in as well. Of course we had to go to the see the legend that is the forrest. The trees were beautiful and you could really feel the history surrounding you. Seeing the villagers who used to travel through there and where the king would hunt. It used to be over 100,000 acres of land reserved for the king as hunting grounds (this is like 300 years ago) and anyone found plundering food or wood would be punished. Its only about 1,000 acres now but still. You can feel it.

We got home late on yesterday and I’ve so far spent the day putting all the camping stuff back into the attic ready & waiting for the next trip. Hopefully we’ll be going up to Edinburgh to see the family, and some friends at the end of the month.

The new medication seems to be working, well its not new they just upped to the max dose which plays havoc in the morning when I take it for the first ten minutes but after that I feel better on them.

Random memes

Just a few photos that have made the grade and made me smile. Had a great time today at the beach. I think we were only there for an hour but Nina came in the water with me and did really well. Didn’t want to push her to swim due to the fit thing. Figured extremes of hot and cold would be bad. We all got home, redder for it, but a great time was had.

After coming back I noticed my thoughts were getting a bit bizarre so I’m trying this new strategy from the consultant. I took a microdose of promazine liquid and it helped me feel more logical. Then for no reason I started getting really angry for stupid reasons. Like the sink was blocked and I started ranting and raving as I fixed it. B was messing with his food, I shouted, they laughed, down 90mg codeine and et vola anger gone. I love drug addiction.

Tomorrow will be a busy day work wise so worrying about that. I’ll need to leave early to go and sort some stuff at my office. D has Mondays off so it’s the only day I can get out really without having to use her mum to baby sit. It’s not ideal. She doesn’t speak English and B plays up on it. Anyways hopefully I’ll keep myself busy and get things done.

Hope everyone had an awesome weekend and now an amazing week ahead if them 🙂 also going camping at the end I the week for a few nights to a fishery. Beyond excited on being able to teach D, S and B to fish.

Squirm

So S is at home with me at the moment as her bubble burst at school for the second time this year. Its a bit sad because this was her last week in Primary School before heading to High School in September. So she is doing classes online since Monday and I’ve been working from home as shes not old enough to be on her own for too long, plus ASD.

She sends me this message from her room next to mine. How the hell did she get so old quick. Crazy. She already came into my room asking questions. They just watched “The Miracle of child birth” by the sounds of it. That or a porn video from pornhub with excessive screaming. I really hope it was child birth.

Its warm again. I’m British therefore I’m allowed to moan about the weather. It is one of the things we tend to talk about in random passing conversation with strangers. They said there might be thunderstorms later which I can’t wait for. I absolutely LOVE thunder and lightning the rain smashing down on the roof, the noise. Its so calming and exciting at the same time.

Growing up in a farm house had its perks when it comes to rain. Slate Roof. The noises of rain hitting slate instantly puts me to sleep. Its not the same when it hits anything else, especially in England where they dont usually use slate. Especially not in new builds.

Not that I miss living in the countryside….

The mental health is waxing and waning these days. Yesterday I was bad in the morning, ok for the afternoon and then bad late evening. I wish I could understand it better. I have everything a person could want in life but I still have these thoughts, feelings and behaviours that I can’t stop. I have the emergency number to call, which D wanted me to last night but by that point I popped some codiene and had beer which blurred things out a bit. I’ll try and call them if it gets worse.

Nina is doing ok. She had a blood test yesterday to try and figure out the fits. They think she is having partial fits every day from the descriptions and videos D did. Its not life threatning which is good but the bills are slowly getting higher and higher. Thank god for the pet insurance because the MRI scan is £3k on its own.

Random QOTD

What’s something you wish you’d figured out sooner?

That there is much more to life than just doing what is expected of you by society. For example, you go to school, high school, college and then university. Now I wouldn’t change going to university as I made life long friends there and had certain experiences which you get by going to uni. My point is I should have focussed more on the fun side than the studying side. The fun side being more experiences. In otherwords I wish I figured out that life moments are more important than an outcome that is expected.

Granted there must be a equilibrium where one doesnt tip the balance. But yeah. Go out, meet friends, drink and be merry while you can. Before you know it your in your mid-30s wishing you had done more with the opportunites you were given.

I also wish I figured out social skills. I never really had them. I had them in primary school, leader of the class, but then the moment I hit high school they just packed up there bags and f*cked off. I was more a loner than anything but I would drift from group to group if I needed to be social. The abuse didn’t really start till I was 14 so I was already socially awkward before that. If anything the sexual abuse forced me to be more social as I was plyed with so much drink it would make an irish man pass out. So that naturally made me more vocal and reckless. I used to steal as well. At the weekends I would go to comic shops in the neighbouring town and whilst buying comics, I would steal them. I have yet to figure out why I have that behaviour. I was working ergo I had money so I could of just paid for them. I would say it was the thrill but I didn’t get one, it was a case of …. attention seeking. Maybe that was it. Wanting to get caught for the attention from someone other than a group of child molesting burn in hell pedos.

So I think I wish I figured out social situations. What is normal, what is weird and what is abuse. If I also learned that having drunken people rape me and that it wasn’t what “normal friends” do then things in life might of been different. I just thought it was what you did. Hang out, drink, watch movies, go to clubs. It seems so ludicrus that I was doing all this at 14+ and thinking it was normal.

That got dark really fast.

Women. I wish I figured these mystical beautiful creatures out a lot sooner than I did. I could never get the social queues when they were being done. I wasn’t scared I just didn’t see them and assumed they just didn’t like me. Finding out later in life that you were not that depressed, drunk loner loser was a wake up call. I immediately started fixating on the whats ifs. What if I could do it all over again knowing what I know now. We all know where that leads. But yes. Social skills, Women and that you can’t trust everyone. That would be my answer.

Escaped!

The meeting with the consultant went really well. They didn’t section me so I’m so thankful for that as I was so scared of missing B’s communion. They are altering the meds slightly and giving me a new care plan. Fingers crossed that will help get me out of this funk or at least let me manage it better.

So B’s communion was yesterday, also it was the hottest day of the year so the garden party was an amazing choice. It all went really well and had a great time. B’s sister, R, came as well and stayed over. It was amazing seeing all the kids together playing, giggling and generally being kids. There was a mountain of food and we even got to fire up the fire pit which I love doing.

B got the new oculus 2 so him and his sister were on it non stop. Amazing that VR tech has come so far and is starting to be affordable. It was a peaceful day as it was too hot to even walk the dog. R stayed till 2pm when her mum got her. It was relaxing and funny watching them play a vr climbing game. Can’t wait till Monday so I can finally have a proper go of it.

Next weekend we are going camping near a fishery which I’m really excited about. I’ll finally get to show the kids how to fish. Its been a year or so since I’ve been so yeah the kids are excited too. It’s near Sherwood forest, land of the legendry Robin Hood so plenty to see and do. Not that I’m planning on robbing rich people when I’m there to give to the needy but it’s always a possibility 😉

Doggo had a couple of siesures in her sleep last night. That was sad, think she must of been over stimulated with the party. She’s been ok today; just a bit quiet and wanting to be alone. Waiting to hear back from the vets.

D has got training tomorrow so it’ll be a daddy son day (S is at her dads) so will think of something fun to do. Hopefully it won’t be too hot so I can go to the park and drag Nina along as well.

I’ll see if I can stay awake for a random QOTD as I stupidly had an energy drink with a late left over party food dinner.

Hope you are all having a great weekend. Things are on the up since Thursday which is really great.

Blank Pages

After all the stuff that has been happening mental health wise, my doctor made an urgent referral to the hospital again so I can see my consultant. I thought in preperation I would type down my thoughts. What I typed I dont know as I didnt look at the screen, printed it and closed notepad. Yes. I still use notepad. Programmers habits die hard. I’ve folded it and put it in my pocket. What I typed came from just letting my mind do the typing, so am not feeling too great after that because its knocked my anxiety and paranoia up a notch. I’ll give it to the consultant at the end of the meeting because I’m scared about what I typed. That way I can make a run to the door before they can stop me 😉

It was so hard though. Typing out what you are feeling is never easy but when you really have a hard time processing and dealing with emotions its the ultimate block. Well. Not a block. It either comes out manically and fast or nothing at all. Extremes. Suppose thats why they call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Learn something new every day.

B’s communion is tomorrow which I’m looking forward to. Hes been working towards it for a while and we’ve got a big tent up in the garden for a meal with friends and family tomorrow. Due to covid the only people allowed in the church are me and D which is a shame as I know D’s mum wanted to come as well.

The dog, Nina, is doing well. No more fits or episodes in over a week. Hopefully it was just from stress and now that shes chilled everything has calmed down for her. I’m guessing due to being starved for the 5 years of her life, her obsession for eating food won’t stop. Shes still underweight but we’ve been sticking to a planned diet and shes slowly putting on weight again which is great. Problem is we have to hide everything food related. She demolished a bag of brioche rolls (no chocolate) when I went upstairs for two minutes the other day. Sad in a way but hopefully she’ll come to trust the regular feeding and be happy with that.

Meat tendoriser to the arm. Best reset the SH timer from last September then. F*cking brain.

Memes and madness

I went through the google downloaded photos again and found a few I would love to share with everyone. Well. Apart from the memes, they just made me smile when I saw them years ago.

I got in touch with the doctor today, well, submitted an online form since they no longer take appointments over the phone. Suppose thats good really considering I would rather die than make a phone call. I don’t know why I just can’t phone or answer the phone to people I dont know. It sets the anxiety overboard and I start over thinking the situation. That does’nt mean I can’t, I’ll answer it if I think I know who it is. Otherwise its a voicemail and I’ll call them back. That was my hack to get through it.

I explained the problems on the forms lovely white, empty box. I wrote a frikkin’ novel but hopefully it will make sense to them. On Friday I felt so bad I took half a bottle of promazine, my usual dose is 5ml. Not 150ml. So I woke up in a dazed state on Saturday. Anxiety pain and negative thoughts were still there. So solution? Yes. You guessed it. More meds. So rather than the 7mg diazepam I take at night for terrors I decided in my ultimate wisdom to pop 25mg. It worked. The thoughts stopped for an hour or so as I sat on the sofa drooling. Then I found some codiene. This is the point where you say “FFS”. So had 150mg of that. And that got rid of the thoughts and paranoia. Not content with the about of pills I had consumed, I raided my stash and had another 25mg of diazepam.

F*cks sake.

I haven’t had any yet. Whilst walking the dog yesterday I noticed an ambundance of magic mushrooms growing on the playing fields. I can safely say I was strong and didn’t pick them. Adding that to the mix wouldn’t really of helped matters. I dont know why always go back to pill taking to escape from my problems. The voices are pretty loud and the other guy is on auto-repeat with added images! So getting off my face on drugs quitens it but weakens the control. I won’t go into that again.

Anyways, explained all this on the form so hopefully I’ll get a phone call today and reopen my referral to CMHT since I’ve been on the waiting list for a new thearapist for the past year.

The dog is moaning. Walkies.