This poem really resonates so I’m sharing it on here so I don’t lose it. I know poetry isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but once in a while you come across one that makes you feel something. For me, this is one of them.
Beautiful poem
Tag: hope
The MiniDisc Quest: Blur, Broken Toilets, and the Euro Disney Survival Trip
Welcome to the next chapter of the MiniDisc nostalgia quest. Today, we are traveling back to the ultimate teenage endurance test. It was a 17-hour coach trip to Euro Disney at the age of 16.
If you’ve never been trapped on a coach heading to France for 17 hours with a broken toilet, you haven’t truly lived. To survive, you needed a serious soundtrack. My weapon of choice was a chunky, silver Sony MiniDisc recorder. It was a bit clunky. However, it had that tiny LCD screen that made you feel like you were holding the absolute pinnacle of future technology.
But here is the most important detail, and if you were a teenager in the 90s, you’ll understand the weight of this flex: I wasn’t listening to a home-recorded mix. What made it special was that it was an official recording released on MiniDisc. I bought it straight from the shop.
The Choice of MiniDisc
The album? Blur by Blur.
I spent that entire grueling journey with “Beetlebum”, “On Your Own”, and “Song 2” on heavy rotation, drowning out the misery of the coach. Of course, bringing along my MiniDisc player meant I could drown out the sounds of travel. It helped me focus on the music. And there was plenty of misery to drown out. Aside from the toilet situation, the journey across the channel was a rollercoaster of extreme teenage edginess. In addition, it was also filled with crushing disappointment.
First, there was the sheer thrill of successfully smuggling a flick knife across the border—because when you’re 16, that feels like a massive tactical victory. But that adrenaline was immediately wiped out by the Channel Tunnel. Like an idiot, I spent the buildup genuinely believing we were going to drive through a glass tube under the sea. I fully expected to be looking out the coach window at fish and sharks. However, the realization that it was just a massive, pitch-black concrete tube is a betrayal I’m still not entirely over. Honestly, my only comfort was clutching that MiniDisc and zoning out until we got to daylight.
And to conclude…
I could also tell you about the fake IDs we made to secure alcohol once we actually got to France… but we’ll save that particular criminal enterprise for another day.
For now, I just want to appreciate that silver Sony and that official Blur album for getting me through the darkest, fish-less tunnel in Europe. That old MiniDisc player really made those hours bearable.
Over to you: Please tell me I wasn’t the only one who thought the Channel Tunnel was going to be an aquarium. Let me know in the comments! Did you ever take a journey with only a MiniDisc for company?
Sneak Peek: The £200 Quest to Relive a 1990s Memory
Spotify is great and all, but streaming a track through phone speakers just doesn’t hit the same as physical media.
I’ve been obsessing over a very specific, vivid memory lately: being stuck on a grueling 17-hour coach ride home from a college trip to Euro Disney in the late 90s. While everyone else was miserable, I was completely phased out of reality, lying back in my seat listening to Blur’s 1997 self-titled album on a portable MiniDisc recorder.
Specifically, the track “On Your Own”. Whenever that song plays, I completely dissolve into the music. It gives me this overwhelming feeling of being totally free.
Sure, I can open Spotify right now and play it in two seconds. But I don’t want an algorithm. I want the original experience—the mechanical clack of sliding a physical MiniDisc into the drive, the lit-up LCD screen, and crackling retro headphones.
So, I’m launching a mini-quest: I’m going to hunt down a decent MiniDisc recorder and an original copy of Blur’s album on disc. Prices on eBay are currently hovering around £200, which is steep, but I’m setting up alerts and keeping an eye out.
I also need to save up for it all!
Coming Soon on the blog: The full hunt, the setup, and whether listening to “On Your Own” on retro hardware lives up to the 20-year-old memory in my head (or if I just cry tears of joy).
Question for the comments: What is one song or album that completely takes you back to a specific moment in time? Drop it below!
Time Team, 17th Century Farms, and the Art of Socializing
The best friend visit has officially concluded, and I am currently back on the sofa—blinds drawn, brain rot playing on YouTube, and living on leftover naan bread while my nervous system slowly re-calibrates.
All things considered, it was a success. The initial five minutes carried the usual social awkwardness, but we quickly settled into a rhythm of red wine (me), beers (him), and an Indian takeaway. My disordered eating decided to crash the party, allowing me precisely five mouthfuls before declaring me entirely full, but Owen politely didn’t make a thing of it and polished off his own meal. The birds took to him immediately, and he genuinely loved the flat—particularly the lounge—which made the pre-visit panic feel a bit more worthwhile and made me happy.
We even mapped out a plan to alternate visits once a month, which gives me a structured, low-pressure way to slowly break out of the flat and rebuild a bit of a social life beyond my usual tight circle.
Naturally, the morning brought administrative chaos. Despite cancelling my care calls for breakfast and lunch, a carer materialised in my hallway at 8:00 AM while I was in my dressing gown thinking it was Owen. A second one turned up at lunchtime, requiring me to pull out written confirmation like a landlord conducting an inspection. They were apologetic.
We spent the morning drinking tea and watching Time Team, which ended up triggering a massive wave of nostalgia. It made me look back on my time living on a 17th-century farm—80 acres of land, natural water springs, and endless ground to explore. It’s strange how getting older makes you realize just how extraordinary certain periods of your life were, and how much I’d love to be out there today with a metal detector digging up history.
For now, though, the flat is quiet, the front and back cameras are watching the perimeter, and I am officially in recovery mode for the rest of the day.
Also, there was an email from one of ben’s teachers saying how well he is doing in class, that he’s putting in massive effort and that she’s proud of him. Well safe to say i am extremely proud given its only month two at his new school. Yay for him.
QotD Do better. Be better.
What’s one thing you wish you had started doing earlier in life?
View all responses
Empathy and medication.
One thing I wish I had started doing earlier in life would have to be learning empathy. I was a terrible person until i started to get older and realised that the world didn’t revolve around me. I was a pure narcissist, enjoying playing people against each other, telling tales of grandeur, and various other things that bad people do.
It took me a long time and I really struggled to have empathy towards other people. Whether that is a result of the child abuse or my yet to be diagnosed personality disorders I don’t know. I’m not making excuses. In 2011, after a dramatic event, I was medicated quite heavily which really helped even me out. I still feel so guilty for the people I have hurt in my life. If I had learned the art of empathy earlier then I think things would have turned out differently.
Its weird. I fantasize about going back in time and doing everything again, just with that little better understanding and the medication, then I get upset when I can’t. I even dream about it and wake up in a panic. I’m aware that this is a heavy post but I’m being honest. I genuinely feel remorse for the ick head I was and can only strive, which I do daily, to be a better person.
Bad people doing good things.
Two Wheels, 65mph, and Total Freedom
Motorbikes have never been about high speeds for me—they were always about freedom. Never going faster than 65 mph on quiet, single-lane back roads, but feeling 100% independent every time I turned the throttle.
It all started when I was 13, living in the countryside. Me and a friend took an abandoned, blue-and-white Honda C90 and rebuilt it ourselves. Having that kind of freedom at 13 to just tour around the Welsh countryside without a care in the world was pure magic. Looking back, I should have taken even more advantage of countryside life—I remember being terrified of the farm quad bike when I first got on it at 11, but once I got used to it, tearing around on it was amazing.
Eventually, I moved onto the roads legally:
- The Scooter: My very first legal bike and my ticket to proper independence on real roads.
- Honda CB100: Stepping up to a proper gear setup.
- VS125: The bike that carried me through the period after university.
- Sinnis Max 125: After a very long break from riding, I got back on two wheels with this blue Sinnis in 2017. Taking it out, including trips around Wales, brought all that old joy right back.
Right now, I don’t have a bike or a licence. But I am currently fighting to prove my health is managed far better now. Step one of my long-term plan is getting my licence back, and looking at these photos reminds me exactly why that goal is worth pushing for.
Weekly newsletter?
Hello. In this post, we’ll be talking about The flat.
Its been a week since I last posted. Quite a lot happened in the week, it was an odd week of everything that could go wrong, did in fact go very, wrong.
The flat
Wednesday last week was amazing. I had the call about the flat and most importantly they said it was all signed off and ready to sign up. They sent through some paperwork and a request for the first weeks rent. Not a problem, paid, filled everything in and then arranged to meet on Friday at 12pm.
It was cold. The wind strong. But I got an Uber from the motel to the flat which got me there for 11.45am. Waited till 12.15pm then texted the housing guy. Nothing. 12.30pm and gave him a ring. “Oh you are at the property! I asked the lettings team to call you this morning as a mistake was made. The property isn’t ready!”. Awesome.
“Are you taking the piss? I’ve been stood in the freezing cold for 45mins and now need to call an taxi, £12 one way.” He apologised a lot. I got back to the motel and face planted into the bed.;’
And so…
I emailed a summary of the events, how its affected my mental health, how its soul destroying being here and it gets worse each day. That I would like to make a formal complaint. I got an email back on Friday saying sorry, followed up with a phone call from the manager. She was apologetic, said that they will progress the complaint up the chain and that as a sorry you can have a gift voucher for £50. I asked if it was a bribe and she said no.
They are supposed to call me today (Wednesday) to let me know the new date. Hopefully it won’t be something like a year. I did say to the manager that I wanted an exact date, what needs to be done and if I can move in while they carry out the work. That I wouldn’t mind.
The charity
Yesterday I had an email from the charity that I do refurbishment work for. So old laptop comes in, I clean and sort then its given to a family or person in need. I think I explained it better in an earlier post. Well anyway, I would volunteer my Tuesdays & Thursdays to sorting out any bits, arranging collections and drop offs. Well, they haven’t managed to secure funding and are shutting down the digital side of things. Bleh. I was quite upset as I enjoyed helping people and putting my skills to good use. Tomorrow I’ll start doing some research into other projects and see if I can link in with them.
Blah
Had R round on Saturday, we went into town to the museum and had an awesome daddy daughter day. So something good did happen.
A series of unfortunate events
Hopefully there wont be a fire alarm as I’m using my backup headphones which blocks out all sound except the music. My normal headphones have sadly died. Momentum 2 headphones. Amazing for blocking noise but also has that thing where it picks up voices and amplifies them so I can talk and listen. Anyways, bestie said I should check the warranty to see if they are still covered. Think they are 3 years old now. I cant justify buying a new set because I’m trying to save everything for the flat because I dont know how much it will cost to get everything moved.
The flat
Some good news though, a friend of D’s mum is moving away to poland and has loads of things he can give as he cant take them. So as if by magic I’ve now got a bed, sofa, washing machine, fridge/freezer, kitchen table and chairs and pots & pans. Which is awesome because I can then use the money saved to get other essential things. Today I was supposed to get a call to arrange to get the keys. Unfortunately , the housing officer is on annual leave till tomorrow so will have to wait a little bit longer. It would be fantastic if they are ready but not holding my breath. The council called today to say they have extended me for another week so I have some wiggle room with getting keys and moving a bed there at least. Or I’ll buy a self inflating mat with a sleeping bag. But yeah, I was disappointed as always.
Rage against the motel
Its freezing here again. Not sure if i talked about my mini heater and that it got banned after I led a revolt against the management here? well we are using them again. Well I am, only for a burst of ten minutes in an hour. I was sat in my coat last week it was that bad. I also have my carpal tunnel gloves on to head my hands up. Its sad that they can’t just leave the heating on all the time and people can just control the temp by changing the settings on the radiator. I guess its a trust thing. Either way I’ll stay warm with my heater. If I use it after 2pm I’m generally okay because house keeping will of been already. They stand close to the door to feel the temp of the room to make sure we aren’t using additional heating.
Sheffield!
I’ve set a date with bestie to meet up in February in Sheffield. I’ll be booking the hotel soon hopefully near the train station. Get there on a Sunday and back on the train on Monday. Just need to make sure there are no strikes going on during that time. Head to a pub, sit in the comfy corner, talk, talk and talk in equal measures with drink. Then stumble to the hotel at kicking out time, sleep and then breakfast somewhere. Looking forward to it. Maybe we can plan the fishing holiday later this year as well.
Friends and loneliness … again.
I miss having friends I think. I lost a huge chunk of them by moving away with no notice back in 2007. Then one who I thought was a friend but only realised they were using me (this was discovered two weeks ago) so lost him. I still have O, the bestie, and thats it. One. Probably my fault for not being social or making more of an effort to talk to people. I miss the days where I had lots of people to talk to on messenger but everyone has moved on with their lives. Maybe 40 is too old to make new friends. Its bothering me though. Its something that I’ve had all my life. Social one minute, recluse the next.
The family
The kids are doing well. B is obsessed with Flight Simulator now that he has the airbus controller with throttles, switches and designed to be a replica of the one in an A320. Scary that he knows the checklists, clicks on all the switches, knows what they do. There is a place in Barton that D found where you can use the flight simulator that pilots use. Really expensive but spoke to B about it yesterday and we agreed we will save up for him to go at some point this year. I imagine he will love it. Then tell the instructor how to do everything.S is progressing nicely with her musical journey. We scored an 82% match on spotify so I know she is listening to some good stuff. Some questionable such as sped up versions of Eminem songs. To eaches own.
Brother is doing better than this time last month when I thought he died and his ghost was trying to tell me to call the cops. I might of been delirious out of sickness at the start of December. I remember being at the house looking after the kids for a few nights in a row and he was suicidal. Hes ok now. Its a drug pattern which will happen at pay day as well after he indulges his nose and then has a come down a few days later. But apart from that, he’s been let off by the police after leaving the scene of a crash, hes working and his drinking is reduced at the moment.
And thats it I think. To the guys in my comments, we need a way for a three way chat (messenger? whats app?) and get a clan together to play online. Sure we can find a game that we can all enjoy.
Oh lets do some photos.
Current Affairs
So i’ve been typing sentences, then deleting them and then writing more. I’ve got writers block I think, from taking a too long break from doing two posts a day. It would be nice to get back into it and keep it going again, especially as there are so many interesting topics in Current Affairs to write about. In fact, Current Affairs tend to spark some of my best writing ideas.
Visit
On Sunday, R visited me at the hotel. I managed to steal her for a few hours. Just me and her. We got an uber into Bolton. We walked, talked, shopped and ate like kings and queens. In short, we had a great time. We stopped at this amazing dessert/coffee shop and stuffed our faces. I managed to get a few bits for Christmas and treated R to a few different things. It was my first proper time in the town centre since the uni days. Its changed so much. There are trading card shops which I managed to escape. Plus I dont think R approves of the pokemon addiction and she kept looking at me, glaring. Come to think of it, even during these fun outings, discussions about current affairs occasionally pop up.
Addiction Issues
I dont know why I collect them. I have over 50 packets which need opening but can’t do it. I used to have this thing with D where she would help me open them as it made her happy. I think because of the seperation my brain is being a dickhead and blocking me from doing it. I’m sure the time will come and I’ll open them. By the way, sometimes addiction issues get covered in current affairs stories.
I was round D’s house on Monday and Tuesday till 6pm. Slept over on the sofa which actually tries to eat you when you lay on it. It sort of moves the cushions out and you are half under the damn thing. B hasn’t been well and S is having a hard time with some horrible people at her school. Its B’s birthday on Saturday. Got him two monitors, keyboard and mouse, plus a mat for his desk so he’s happy. I’ll be going round Saturday early morning to get them up and running for him. I’ll keep his other two that we are replacing as I can use it with my machine when I get to the flat.
Fingers Crossed
Speaking of which I find out on Friday if all the work is done so I can move in. I really want it to be ready but trying not to let me hopes get up too much as last time I was devastated. the place where i volunteer run a food, clothing and device bank. They’ve said they’ll put a large food parcel together for me so I have the basics to get going. Which is awesome. they also have curtains and things so will have a look tomorrow. In the meantime, I should try to keep up with reading about Current Affairs for inspiration.
I had the letter through revoking my license so will need to take an uber tomorrow which works out at £25 one way. I need to collect some pads and a laptop for D to use at her school to teach maths at lunch time. A box was made but the apprentice has managed to lose the box so I’ll be on a hunting mission. Hopefully it is still there as I will be majorly annoyed if the tablets have disappeared. Sometimes, the bureaucracy behind these situations makes me think of stories in the current affairs headlines.
Christmas!
There is a plan for Christmas! I’ll be sleeping over at D’s house Christmas Eve to Christmas Day so I get loads of time with the kids. I’m looking forward to it. its crept up so fast. i guess i say that every year. which just means my organisation skills are non-existent.
I think its because I’ve been in the hotel since August. they refer to it as an open prison which I would agree. the hassle it took for them to start heating the rooms was shocking. 5 of us bought electric heaters and started using the. Then they banned us using them and increased the heating in the rooms. so that was a success. Guess they didnt want us running up the electric. If they weren’t wankers in the first place then this could of been avoided.
By the way, there are many stories related to Current Affairs that are relevant even around Christmas.
And Finally…
Thats if for boring news. I binge watched ‘The Cleaner’ on iPlayer. Was actually a lot better than I thought it was going to be. Start of the series was good, then it dipped but by the finale of season 2 it was as good as the early episodes. Now to find something else to watch. Probably fairly odd parents and rewatch loud house episodes. In contrast, keeping up with Current Affairs is also a good way to stay engaged during downtime.
I’ve been a bit shaky all day. Slurring and walking a challenge, even with the walking stick. It gets like this before a seizure I’ve noticed. So hopefully that will happen nowish so its out of the way and I dont have to worry blacking out in the taxi or at the office in the northern quarter. That would not be good. Judy, who works there already knows about but I’ll wear my FND lanyard just in case.
Blood Brother
Blood is thicker than water. I used to believe that. I was a naive 16-year-old saying that. Of course, it doesn’t apply in real life. I grew up and realized that you can have ‘a brother from another mother’. Especially true of O. He’s my best friend, someone I consider more of a brother than anything else. The point of this post is to remind me that I do, in fact, have a brother. The image to the left is on a boat in St Lucia. I can’t remember why we were on a boat, but we were.
We have recently been talking more and more on the phone over the past month or two, and it has been so nice to hear from him. My goodness, he lives a completely messed up life, but he is getting through it.
He has problems with drinks, drugs, and reckless behavior, but I realized, more now than ever, that it’s lonely out here. I think he was lonely too. So the phone calls help. It’s a mutual thing.
I can’t quite remember what we spoke about, but it was something that only we understood. Complete savagery, but we both knew what we were trying to say. The photo to the right was taken in the Pancake House in North Wales, a special place we used to go to celebrate pretty much anything. Mum was Dutch, and she liked it there. I think she got a kick out of being able to speak Dutch to someone.
And so I end this short post. The people you see to the right are me, dad, mum, and Day. Now, with Mum and Dad being dead, it’s just us two left now. Well, and my whole family here – B, S, and R.
I think it’s such a strange and magical bond that blood brothers and sisters have. I can be away from them for years, then instantly we are back as if it was only minutes apart.
So, I don’t actually know what I was setting out to achieve with this post, but I wanted to say that, in conclusion, I’m a little bit happier being in touch with my brother. Even if it won’t last, it was a welcome ear to listen to each other’s problems and try to solve them.
He is a dickhead. But he’s my blood related dickhead. And despite everything that’s gone on, he is my brother. For all his wrongs, he does have some good in him too.
