Tag: support

I like you. Can I see you’re brains.

Andy Young1 Comment

What are the qualities and traits that other people have that I admire

Ah see this is a good one, I see loads of qualities in my friends that I would love to have. In no particular order, I give you…

  1. Emotional regulation – Yes sadly I have massive issues with emotional control which others seem to possess
  2. Focus – I have too many plates spinning at any time to bring one plate down and finish seems impossible.
  3. Procrastiation – I can sit there for hours hallucinating shit but not focus on being productive
  4. Intellect – I wing it, would be nice to borrow a few of my friend’s brains.
    We will cap it there as it’s just plain depressing but having friends who have these traits makes it an honour to call them my friends.

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Its far to hot to have tea

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The bright white screen glare was giving me a suntan, so I’ve moved over to outlook to type this as it has a dark feature. I’m boiling. I hate the heat. I know its hot when my anti-sweat pills from the doctors don’t work. Taken a double dose so hopefully that will do the trick. Feeling sick. I think the kimchi tub I had for dinner is trying to escape its nice warm bed in my stomach, which is lovely I must say. Anyway.

Today was a mixed bag. I woke up early and called the mental health team to arrange an appointment with the consultant, so that’s sorted for next Monday. I got all my clothed ready to be washed. Social worker number 1 called to see how things are going, met with social worker number 2 and on Wednesday I’m hosting a meeting with social worker number 3. They’ve also extended my stay here for another week. Sort of happy, sort of sad. I have stability for a week but its frustrating that a property hasn’t been found yet. Hopefully soon.

My CPN and social worker number 3 want to come along to see the consultant with me which is nice. I explained that I’m scared I’ll just say everything is okay when its not. I’m not suicidal again yet which is good, but my voices and hallucinations have made a comeback. Also, that weird waking dream thing keeps happening. Lost in thought. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll call the crisis line and bore them with the details it’s been a few weeks since I phoned them now, I have a CPN to moan to.

Doti asked me to come over and check in on the kids after my meeting today. It was nice Suzi came down and gave me a hug. I bought them sandwiches and sausage rolls. Drinks and treats that they probably wont like, which is fine because I’ll be there tomorrow from 9am. Ben starts his school tomorrow. Think I’m more nervous than he is. He needs to get to the bus stop, jump on till end of the line and then finish with a long walk to the high school. He has all the bus details printed out and laminated. He’s got his phone so if he gets stuck or lost I can track him down and collect him. Suzi is going back on Wednesday, so I’ll have some company apart from the dogs. I ordered some clothes as a treat which should be arriving tomorrow and a back brace.

I looked around online to find a solution to my weak back and people were raving about how good a back brace is. So opted for one of the more expensive ones in the hopes that it will make walking a bit easier. Or if I can stand longer. Standing seems to be the main issue. I can walk, get to the shop, pain starts, get my shopping, rest at the counter while the nice people pack my stuff, get back to the motel room and omg chair I love you feelings when I sit down. Within a minute, less than a minute, the pain goes and I’m happy again. If the back brace helps me last just a couple of minutes longer, I will be happy. Otherwise, it goes back to amazon.

I’ll try and lay down and see if the sweating stops or I magically cool down. Night folks.

Short Story: About loss

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I still remember the day my grandmother died. I was 12 years old, and I was at school when I got the news. I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down.

My grandmother was the most important person in my life. She was always there for me, no matter what. She was my best friend, my confidante, and my biggest supporter.

I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I felt so lost and alone.

The days and weeks that followed were a blur. I went through the motions, but I wasn’t really there. I was just numb.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone about how I was feeling. I didn’t want to cry. I just wanted to pretend that everything was okay.

But it wasn’t okay. I was grieving, and I needed to allow myself to feel my emotions.

So I started to talk to my friends and family about my grandmother. I cried a lot, but it helped me to start to heal.

It’s been a few years since my grandmother died, and I still miss her every day. But I’m learning to live with my grief. I’m learning to find joy in the simple things in life.

I know that my grandmother would want me to be happy. And that’s what I’m trying to do.

Dantes Inferno

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So looking back on my life the past few weeks has become a bit troubling. The sleep things. They are by far the most annoying thing happening at this moment in time. Although it’s not sleep. And it’s not being awake either. It’s a nothing existence. I go to bed. I sleep for 8 hours. I wake up. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. I’m falling asleep sitting on the sofa, mid-conversation, bathroom, and eating. It’s like I have never slept and it is absolutely killing me. It feels like I should get relief but I don’t. I spend the whole day daydreaming before being nudged.

I’m losing D.

I’m losing the kids.

They can’t take this shit anymore and it’s pretty clear that I have no life. I wake, I stay wake, I sleep and so it repeats. I don’t go out with the kids anymore, I don’t go to fun events or socials. I just literally do nothing but be in pain from not sleeping. I find it so hard to stay awake I have to move or shake a body part to distract myself.

D wants me to go to a&e but I’ve had it instilled in me from a very young age that unless your limb has been detached or your are is broken, you simply must suffer in silence rather than waste the doctor’s time. The only exception to that rule was when I overdosed back in 2016 and ended up in hospital for a few days. That was hell. Let’s not repeat that.

I don’t want to die. I think I like torturing myself with existing. Death would be a sweet release for the worthy. And that I sincerely am not. So If I’m not going to die and I have to live a half-life I will dedicate it to helping D with the kids & dogs till a replacement andy 2.0 can be delivered. She is absolutely stunning so there will be no shortage of suitors.

The Tomb

Andy Young7 Comments

I’ll talk about something that I find stupid.

You won’t find it stupid because you are normal.

Well maybe not since you are reading a blog filled with voidness.

So here it is…

I miss having friends and being close to them.

I’m painfully aware it’s due to my lack of leaving the house, social weirdness, and whatever is wrong with me. I start conversations in Messenger but get one answer replies and it feels distant. I have my best friend O who lives in Sheffield which is about 1.5 hours from here in the car. Not that far. Happy to go. Not happy to go outside. Rubbish thoughts. Stop talking. I know I’m not his best friend. I always have to text him and he never randomly texts me back. We used to live near each other in Wales. Every Friday we would meet up. We would talk. We would put on music and we would have a good time. Now I’m lucky to get a message once a year without me prodding him.

I don’t know what to do. Is there a book on how to act normal in society because I must be doing something wrong to lose all my friends. I have my D and she is truly my best friend but I need other friends to vent to and not dump on her all the time.

There must be an app where you can meet up with people who are also social…… argh. I’d settle for an online friend. Someone I can talk to. Someone who can tell me things that make the badness seem less bad.

Like I said. Stupid.

Everything is beautiful

Andy Young8 Comments

Okay. I’ll try and empty my mind as to what was said on Saturday night and how I feel about it. We were in bed, and I was getting wound up again by things wondering why they are happening. D said “I wouldn’t blame you if you did kill yourself with everything that is going on, you know I wouldn’t feel bad if you did it” partial paraphrase as it was Saturday. It made me sad. I don’t know why but I can’t get that out of my head. The BPD kicked in on that one. If D said it’s okay then why don’t you go and do it. But the kicker is, I really don’t want to. I haven’t been properly suicidal in over a year, I haven’t made any attempts on my life and generally try and make my life worthwhile. Like working with different charities to then help other people. I am happy with my little world that I created. Or we created more like. It feels like an attack. Like throwing in the towel because of the shite I carry on my back. I have that stuff on my back but I decided to not let it stop me. That I will carry on and that I will be a productive part of society and a father to my kids.

I’m maybe reading too much into it. You could look at it and say “You’ve got all this stuff going on so o wouldn’t b… No there isn’t actually a different way. Not that I see.

Unless I become a burden or hindrance I won’t do anything. I can’t leave B without a dad and I can’t leave D, I love her too much for that. It’s sad that she knows the suicide plan, what will happen, and what to do. We had to talk about that. We had to talk about a lot of things. The sacrifices she has made to be with me, the life she would have without me.

Ugh. All I do is moan on the blog. Next post. Cheerful.

Mindset

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Sorry for the delay, as always, but things got a bit blurry on Friday and I don’t remember most of the afternoon. That weird thing happened again. I wake up and the world is spinning, voices are chanting like a Gregorian choir and I’m stumbling about. It feels like I’ve not taken my risperidone but I have. I filled a form in for the dr for an appointment, asking them to increase the dose to see if that works but I was unable to make the appointment so I canceled it. I took an extra dose just in case that was the problem.

I went on with my day, doing work bits and bobs, tidying, and such. Then I noticed the chanting or humming in the background. I got in touch with D and she said to take the PRN meds and that she will get the kids so I don’t have to drive. I never drive when I’m like this. Especially not with the kids. And that ladies and gentlemen is the last thing I remember of that afternoon. I awoke on the sofa, confused as hell. D had ordered a delivero food shop, fed the kids, fed the dogs and I simply can’t remember. Maybe I was asleep and didn’t realize it. Anyway. Missing time is never a good thing and freaks me out. Have you ever seen the movie Click or the Butterfly Effect, those terrify me. One minute you are here and then suddenly 10 years have passed and you don’t remember any of it. Argh. Probably why it was hard to deal with Dad’s dementia.

The kids and D went to see Super Mario Bros. D thought it was live action but alas no and returned to messaging me through the film. The cinema was pretty empty so B was ok with the misophonia thing and could move around to different seats. I stayed at home, because, well I suck at the moment.

D said something odd to me last night which I’m mulling over, have been all day or since she said it really. I’ll continue to mull.

Hope you all had amazing weekends.

A tips & tricks post of randomness

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I thought it would be nice to create a post with some tips and tricks that I have learned during my time on this rotating rock we can home. You’ll probably know a few of them already but brushing up on your knowledge never hurts.

Self-harm wounds
If you have self-harmed, it’s important to take care of your wounds properly to prevent infection. Here are some tips:

  • Wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water before and after treating your wound.
  • Clean the wound with soap and water or an antiseptic wipe.
  • Apply a sterile dressing to the wound and change it daily.
  • Keep the wound covered and dry.
  • Avoid scratching or picking at the wound.
  • When in doubt, please see a doctor.

Self-harming sucks. Except when you are doing it. You know it’s not right but the urge sometimes is too much and you just do it. Remember, you are not alone. There is help available, and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Hallucination distractions
Hallucinations can be very distressing and can make it difficult to do everyday things. However, there are some things you can do to distract yourself from them and make them less disruptive and annoying.

One way to distract yourself is to focus on your senses. Pay attention to what you can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. This can help bring you back to the present moment and make it harder for the hallucinations to take over.

You can also try to distract yourself by doing things that you enjoy. This could include listening to music, reading, watching TV, or spending time with other people. It really can take your mind off things.

Crisis
Being caught in a crisis can be a seriously overwhelming and scary experience. It can be difficult to know what to do or who to ask for help. However, there are some things that you can do to cope with a crisis and get through it.

First, it is important to stay calm. It is easy to panic when you are in a crisis, but panicking will only make things worse. Try to take deep breaths and focus on the present moment.

Second, it is important to reach out for help. If you are feeling overwhelmed, talk to friends and family. There are also many hotlines available that you can call for support. Like the Samaritans, they will speak to you for ages till you relax a bit or until help arrives.

Third, it is important to give yourself time to heal. It takes time to recover from a crisis. Don’t expect to feel better overnight. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to deal in your head with what caused the crisis.

Finally, it is important to remember that you are not alone. There are many people who have been through crises and come out on the other side. You are not weak for needing help. It is okay to ask for help and to take time to get better.