Dementia Archives

Is there a grudge, a pain that you are holding on to?
…Why are you holding on to it?
…Is it time to let it go?

Grudges and pain. hmm. They do go together very well. I don’t know if anyone has any against me, but if they did I would want to meet and talk about it. No fighting but just a chance to explain anything I made have done.

My biggest pain is my brother. I feel so sorry for him and the trap that alcohol has laid itself out for him. He gets in touch now and again. Sometimes money, sometimes loneliness, or some form of connection we still have. It all fell apart when Mum died. Dickhead took all the drugs he could find and deal with it that way. As mentioned prior I knew it was going to happen so my reaction was just to live life as normal. I was squatting in a house whilst I and D took a break. The council found me a flat, and I raided the local stores for bits of it. Mum would have loved it, it was on a high rise with a balcony. Things were chaotic then. I had to drive to Wales pretty much every day to help with Dad or dickhead thinking the neighbors were attacking,

So yeah we went our separate ways really. He stayed with Dad occasionally before leaving the country, and dad, and disappeared. I then had to step up my efforts to go. It was getting too much for me to handle. He was diagnosed with Dementia. That really didn’t help. I got the council involved and they laid on some carers for him. 3 times a day, every day at first. But I still came, took him to the local shopping area, and drank coffee.

The pain I hold is. Where was he? why couldn’t he help me? he’s missing dad being a dad before dementia took its hold. I had to work and travel 3hrs a day, sort all the bills, paperwork, cleaning, careers, doctors, and hospital visits whilst he just “took off””. I don’t hate that I had to do those things. I just hated doing it alone and not as a family.

The next grudge is a weird one. Not sure if the world is ready for that one yet.

Sorry for the delay, as always, but things got a bit blurry on Friday and I don’t remember most of the afternoon. That weird thing happened again. I wake up and the world is spinning, voices are chanting like a Gregorian choir and I’m stumbling about. It feels like I’ve not taken my risperidone but I have. I filled a form in for the dr for an appointment, asking them to increase the dose to see if that works but I was unable to make the appointment so I canceled it. I took an extra dose just in case that was the problem.

I went on with my day, doing work bits and bobs, tidying, and such. Then I noticed the chanting or humming in the background. I got in touch with D and she said to take the PRN meds and that she will get the kids so I don’t have to drive. I never drive when I’m like this. Especially not with the kids. And that ladies and gentlemen is the last thing I remember of that afternoon. I awoke on the sofa, confused as hell. D had ordered a delivero food shop, fed the kids, fed the dogs and I simply can’t remember. Maybe I was asleep and didn’t realize it. Anyway. Missing time is never a good thing and freaks me out. Have you ever seen the movie Click or the Butterfly Effect, those terrify me. One minute you are here and then suddenly 10 years have passed and you don’t remember any of it. Argh. Probably why it was hard to deal with Dad’s dementia.

The kids and D went to see Super Mario Bros. D thought it was live action but alas no and returned to messaging me through the film. The cinema was pretty empty so B was ok with the misophonia thing and could move around to different seats. I stayed at home, because, well I suck at the moment.

D said something odd to me last night which I’m mulling over, have been all day or since she said it really. I’ll continue to mull.

Hope you all had amazing weekends.

Tag: Dementia

Digging Deeper #6

Mindset