This poem really resonates so I’m sharing it on here so I don’t lose it. I know poetry isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but once in a while you come across one that makes you feel something. For me, this is one of them.
Beautiful poem
Tag: mental health
QotD: Black Ops
What is a completely mundane, everyday task that you approach with the tactical intensity of a military black-ops mission?
Here is mine: During the daylight hours, I am a perfectly reasonable member of society. The windows are open, the air flows, and I exist in a state of relative, breezy normalcy. But the absolute second the sun starts to dip below the horizon? My brain flips a switch, the triggers fire up, and securing this flat becomes a high-stakes tactical mission. PTSD and FND attacks occur almost nightly unless I secure the flat.
To be fair, the area I live in isn’t exactly a gated utopia—as anyone who read the saga of the crackhead porch pirates will remember. So, when dusk hits, the perimeter gets sealed. We are talking vibration sensors on the windows, blackout blinds drawn tight across the front, front door sensors armed, and triple locks fully engaged. I’m currently plotting to add an exterior motion sensor or a Ring doorbell just to get early-warning perimeter breach alerts. And if anyone actually makes it past the electronics, they still have to face the ultimate deterrent: two highly trained attack Rottweilers cleverly disguised as pet budgies.
The only people officially cleared to breach the airlock after dark are the care staff. Fortunately, they have the code to the key safe outside and gracefully humor my intense evening weirdness as they let themselves in. They understand that once the sun goes down, this isn’t just a flat in a residential block anymore; it’s a heavily monitored fortress.
Drop your highly unnecessary tactical routines in the comments below, so we can compare notes and figure out who is best equipped to survive a zombie apocalypse, or at least a rogue Amazon delivery driver.
Cameras, Cleaning, and a 16-Year-Old Footprint
It’s been a week of high security, deep-seated vulnerability, and preparing the bunker for human interaction.
First up on the home security front: I have officially installed a second camera out the front window. I now have the front and back of the house covered. Am I tracking local wildlife, or am I just establishing a tactical perimeter to monitor approaching delivery drivers and avoid unnecessary human contact? A bit of both. Either way, seeing what’s happening outside gives me a subtle layer of safety, which is always welcome when the PTSD brain decides to trigger a multi-day vulnerability spiral. This way I can still see what’s going on out there. Local wildlife includes the odd roaming crackhead.
Speaking of human contact: my best friend is visiting today and staying the night. I haven’t seen him in two years. I’m genuinely excited, but my nervous system is currently celebrating by generating irrational panic. Standard procedure.
To prepare, my weekly cleaning carer has been floating around doing the heavy lifting—changing bedding, hoovering, and tackling the bins. She is worth her weight in gold. Her English is minimal, but her ability to execute a immaculate living room refresh while keeping my tea mug constantly topped up makes her an absolute hero. I still refuse to let anyone else clean my bathroom—that remains a strictly personal domain that I insist on controlling—but I will gladly accept a tactical assist in the lounge and kitchen.
Meanwhile, we are entering the dreaded three-month gauntlet of back-to-back birthdays culminating in Christmas. Every spare penny is already spoken for, particularly as Rebecca is turning 16. Sixteen years ago, when she was born, we had a silver bracelet made featuring a tiny cast of her newborn foot, and I’ve been holding onto it for this exact milestone. It’s spent the last decade and a half in storage, so I’ve ordered a new presentation box and a silver polishing kit to restore it. Assuming I don’t accidentally polish off the footprint entirely, I’ll be posting a before-and-after photo once it’s restored.
For now, the flat is looking fresh, the front camera is operational, and I’m hiding on the sofa until the doorbell rings.
The Sudden Exit (2007)
So, this post is a long time coming, I’ve been struggling to process it until now. Back in December 2006 I was feeling deflated about everything and I was feeling weird physically then delusional behaviour so I went to the doctor. He prescribed me an SSRI for depression & anxiety. I didn’t tell many people about that. Sort of feeling like it wasn’t a real problem. The lying, the exaggerating all the time.
Then, I had this amazing idea in March 2007 to just abruptly stop taking them. Little did I know at the time that this is something you don’t just do. I can’t remember the exact dose I was on but I know now I should of weaned myself off it slowly. Anyway. I stopped taking it. Everything went manic. I would hardly sleep, I’d start having these weird delusions and I started to think it was normal. I was in withdrawal. I was in survival mode.
I met Rebecca’s mum. She came from Manchester to Llandudno on holiday and we hit it off. In my manic state I was beyond thrilled. I was all in. I was into driving two hours in peak traffic almost every day to see her. Then I just thought “Oh my god I’m not in the shire anymore” and decided to move to manchester and live with Rebecca’s mum. I was so high. Manic. I didn’t realise that I just picked up and left overnight.
To all my friends, to my parents to everyone I just went into radio silence. I threw away amazing friendships that I valued more than anything. I have for the two decades carried the lingering regret of doing that. I would never change meeting Rebecca’s mum. Ever. But I would change me stopping the medication. Especially now, knowing that it does help with mental health issues. I would text everyone back. I would still go to the cinema, go to the pub, walk up the orme and generally hang out.
Back in 2016, I think it was then, I arranged a get together with some of the people I hurt the most. It was a reconnection attempt but then a realisation that life and time had carved different paths and contact faded over that time. Life goes on. I get it. Time is precious.
After the divorce and moving into my own flat here in Bolton, almost three years has allowed me to look back at things with a clear head. I realise that I can’t change how unhinged my mental health was back in 2007. I’m so sorry for walking away. It took me twenty years to get to this point, to say out loud that it was my fault, I am sorry and I know it’s something I can never get back.
Doti and the kids have moved from Bolton to Cheshire. I don’t know anyone here. I have the carers all day, which is something I’m trying to get better for. This isn’t a weird demand for anyone to try and fix my social life. This is just a public acknowledgement and apology to lay that lingering guilt to rest a bit.
The Weekend Report (on a Tuesday)
I really enjoyed this weekend. B came round on Saturday and stayed till Sunday. He got the train here (an hour and a half away) but the train back on Sunday involved a replacement rail bus so I asked his mum if she could pick him up on the Sunday instead, which she did which was nice of her. Ben also wanted to take home one of his acoustic guitars. He has left me the half size one to play on when I’m bored. For the record, my fingers are too fat to play chords properly. I think I’m too old now to learn new tricks.
We spent the time together talking, laughing at youTube videos and watching a movie which for the life of me I can’t remember what it was called. It was about a casino heist and armoured money vans. It was good, we enjoyed it. It was nice while B was here as he was really helpful as usual. When he comes round I cancel my carers and he takes over the role. Which I appreciate. Plus it also means no one coming into the flat at 8am when hes sound asleep haha. I unfortunately have to wake up at 8am for the medication and things.
I’m not sure if I mentioned it anywhere but due to my health I have four carer visits in a day. On Wednesday’s and Friday’s I get a cleaning call where they help me with the tasks I cannot do (changing the bed, hoovering etc) and the shopping call is a collection from the local asda and they put it away for me. The medication calls are the most important as I’m under strict orders to be compliant. Which I have been. Usually I get bored or think “Medication is the devil” and then I stop. Then bad things happen. I’ll end up in hospital again and then cycle restarts. I haven’t done that in two years which is a record. I have been in hospital but that’s because of either the neurological disorder or the diabetes. Not sure I mentioned the diabetes. I’ve lost all feeling in the toes & digits of both my feet now. I failed the pin prick test and I’m waiting on the podiatrist to see if they can help.
So I bought a camera which works with double glazing, I originally wanted it for the lounge window. I live on the ground floor so I get people walking outside at all hours. Opposite is a crack den (to each’s own) and they are usually screaming and shouting all day. They also monitor the flat door because amazon leave parcels out there from time to time and they steal them. It’s very annoying. I would love to get those paint explosion fake boxes they use in America against porch pirates. Then the camera would be especially funny. Focus. I decided to install the camera in the back instead because that is more of a risk that the front. I don’t have a garden or anything, but there has been a few times at night that I’ve heard people back there. And so I installed the camera. We turned on the motion tracking and tested it. The next day I had a couple of alerts. Squirrels!!! They were running along the top of the fence, backwards and forwards, then they disappeared from view. That was nice to see. Unlike the front where the rats and magpies fight.
A successful weekend.
I don’t even think we played a game or anything, that’s a first!
Also I spotted this on Steam on offer, I really couldn’t say no for that price. I used to love the rainbow 6 series. So looking forward to playing this one tonight.
Did everyone else have a good weekend?
Today’s Random Post
So tomorrow B is coming round for the weekend. Now that they have moved, it takes him 1.5 hours on the train to get here. I do feel bad about the fact he has to make that journey, especially because he has to stop at Piccadilly, so naturally I worry. But I’m looking forward to it: playing games and watching random stuff on YouTube, then talking about random stuff. Maybe we’ll even do a Random Post together. The time flies by. Plus, I have all his favourite foods in again. Every morning he is here, he gets a fried egg and bacon sandwich for breakfast, which he enjoys. Granted, he doesn’t wake up till 12 p.m., so it’s not technically breakfast, but you get what I mean.
For the past two years I’ve been paying extra for a bill which I didn’t realise that I had paid off. Long ago. They never told me so it’s a good thing that I asked. I had amassed £230 in over payments so I got that back a few days ago. Win! I’ve spent some of it on a window camera for my lounge to add to the security and the rest squirrelled away for the birthday & christmas season. First Suzi in October, then the Rebecca in November and Ben in December. Then Christmas presents for all three. So the money will come in really handy. By the way, saving money means I may have time to write another random post soon.
I’ve successfully managed to do nothing productive today. That wasn’t the plan but I started throwing up & feeling sick around midday today so I have been wallowing in self pity. I’m feeling better now, of course naturally the whole day has gone. I wanted to do another archive post with photos but I’ve lacked the cognitive capacity. Maybe I’ll try and do one now—perhaps another post, maybe something completely random, could appear next.
I’ve been watching project zomboid play throughs again. The past couple of weeks it has been a constant. I don’t know why I find it so soothing to watch. Looting houses, killing zombies and building up a decent base. There is something about it that I just enjoy. I do actually own the game so I should try playing it at some point and see how difficult it is. I would probably last a few minutes. Still, when not gaming, I am usually reading a random post or two online.
So for the past week I have been trying to tame the birds a bit better. They just don’t like it when you pick them up or at least try to. They will tweet, sing, play hide and seek but picking them up instantly freaks them out. So I did some research and someone suggested sitting next to them and reading. So for the past week we have been reading war of the worlds. It’s a technical read, at least for me, as its written in a more traditional english.
The birds don’t mind m trying to sound out certain words but they seem to enjoy it. The fluff up, sit close to me and just listen for thirty minutes. I really hope it continues to make a difference. The other thing I read was to put your arm in the cage for five minutes every day to get them used to that. Not sure about that one as they will get distressed. In other news, maybe my next random post will be all about birds.
And this is where I leave you dear reader. I’m still trying to work out a schedule for my posts so I’m not just spamming every day. Maybe three times a week. That gives me a chance to read other peoples blogs, comment and like them. To sum up, I’m already planning my next Random Post for you all to read.
QotD Moments That Make You Feel Truly Alive
What’s a moment in your life that made you feel truly alive?
View all responses
A moment in my life that made me feel alive would have to be the birth of my kids. Nothing can prepare you for the moment you come face to face with your freshly born child. It is such a natural, primal moment to happen. I say moment but I spent the first few years in sheer wonder that this child had seemingly just appeared and I was now partially responsible for.
I can still remember the first night back, the three of us just hugging and existing. Well, in my mind that was a moment when I felt truly alive.
Prior to that, when I was 13-14 years old I went to st Lucia with my parents. They were doing some consultancy work over there and brought me and my brother along. It was a brutal 12 hour flight in first class. When we got there, the person my parents were carrying out some work for took us to a small beach bar called Spinnakers. It was pitch black. I had never been in such a place with such little light pollution.
I remember standing on the beach and just looking up for the first time since we arrived. I was speechless. Well. I emitted an ‘oh’ sound. You could see everything. The sky was just filled full of stars, you could see the milky way, it was crazy. At that moment you felt alive but also so, so small in comparison to what you were viewing. Somehow I felt connected to everything. Its a hard one to explain, probably because I don’t have anything else more significant but to me it was.
They also made amazing banana milkshakes with freshly grown bananas from the plantations near by. We went a few times over the years, staying in various town houses not hotels and mixing with the locals.
So, what thing or event has made you feel alive?
Dark Mornings, 2000s Nostalgia, and the 20kg Drop
It’s 7:00 AM and pitch black outside. Autumn has officially arrived in Bolton, and the flat is completely quiet. Even Mojo and Blobette were still sound asleep on their perches when I walked into the lounge this morning. Once they woke up and had their breakfast, Blobette decided it was time for a full-on morning spa session in the water dish. After all that vigorous splashing and preening, both of them are completely exhausted and back up on their top perch, puffed up and dozing off to dry their feathers. It’s funny how watching two little birds go about their morning routine sets a nice, calm pace for the rest of the day.
Looking around the quiet flat this morning got me thinking about how different blogging was back in the early 2000s. Back then, there was zero pressure to drive traffic, optimize titles, or appease some mysterious social media algorithm. It was just dumping raw, unfiltered thoughts onto a page, sharing tiny daily observations, and seeing who happened to stumble by and leave a comment. I might even dig through the Wayback Machine one of these days to see if my old site from back then is still archived somewhere in the depths of the web. It would be a laugh to see what I was rambling on about twenty-odd years ago.
Speaking of routines, I’ve been making a real effort to reset my space. Over the past couple of days, I’ve vacuum-sealed all my summer gear—blankets, shorts, the lot—and stashed the bedding box under the bed. The comic boxes have been rearranged so the room actually looks organised, and I finally hung my canvas photo of Manchester on the bedroom wall. It’s amazing what a difference a bit of order makes to your head. I was thinking about sorting through my clothes next, but I held off for now.
The reason for holding off on the wardrobe clear-out is that my body is still changing. Two months ago, I was sitting at 143kg. Today, I’m down to 120kg. Seeing that number steadily drop toward my 100kg goal feels huge. I’m shifting my food cutoff to 7:00 PM now—not for any fancy health trend or reason, but just so I actually wake up with a genuine appetite for breakfast. Re-learning the difference between real hunger and eating out of habit or routine is an ongoing project, but seeing 20kg vanish makes it feel worth sticking with.
Do you notice your routine shifting as the mornings get darker, or do you stick to the exact same schedule year-round?
QotD Do better. Be better.
What’s one thing you wish you had started doing earlier in life?
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Empathy and medication.
One thing I wish I had started doing earlier in life would have to be learning empathy. I was a terrible person until i started to get older and realised that the world didn’t revolve around me. I was a pure narcissist, enjoying playing people against each other, telling tales of grandeur, and various other things that bad people do.
It took me a long time and I really struggled to have empathy towards other people. Whether that is a result of the child abuse or my yet to be diagnosed personality disorders I don’t know. I’m not making excuses. In 2011, after a dramatic event, I was medicated quite heavily which really helped even me out. I still feel so guilty for the people I have hurt in my life. If I had learned the art of empathy earlier then I think things would have turned out differently.
Its weird. I fantasize about going back in time and doing everything again, just with that little better understanding and the medication, then I get upset when I can’t. I even dream about it and wake up in a panic. I’m aware that this is a heavy post but I’m being honest. I genuinely feel remorse for the ick head I was and can only strive, which I do daily, to be a better person.
Bad people doing good things.
…
Not sure what to blog about today. The three little dots come to mind. Between the dots, the silence is astounding. I’m teetering on the edge of mania. The anticipation is unbearable. Usually this is when a Valium is required to bring me back to reality but I don’t want to. I’ve been watching this feeling grow and develop all week. I don’t want to ruin it. I’ll tumble back to earth with the soul destroying numbness that taking some will inevitably lead to. But. I can’t stay on the edge forever, another day and I think the anticipation will explode. I’ll do something stupid or reckless again. Like I always do. I should just graciously accept the limitations of my brain and just cave in. After all the world is easier to handle behind the numbness. So many stupid things. Simple things. Wasted. This week, nor the one before it for that matter, have been exceptionally heavier and harder to deal with.
The doctor called earlier today. They said they spoke to me last week and I really couldn’t remember them calling. I frantically started trying to retrace steps while just agreeing with them. They have made several referrals in regards to my health. I agreed to bringing in some extra help for the future. I’m desperately trying to hold onto memories but its getting harder and harder to recall things. It was at a few weeks worth that I can remember, now it’s failing at a week or so. Its nothing serious. I’ll be fine.
Goosebumps all day on my back and neck. I’m sure that must mean something. A superstition I mean. Like when people walk over your grave and you get a chill and cold shudder. Its half way like that. Like a sneeze that you can’t get out.
I found some nice new music yesterday evening and have been listening to it most of the day. An artist called Nimino. Really nice beats and melodies. The head bobbing and getting lost in simple but brilliant notes. That’s my find of the week on Spotify. I found them at random in a Spotify generated playlist.
Hope everyone is having a good week, well, had a good week as its pretty much weekend now.
Time for dinner. Yummy, diet shakes 🙁