Hello

So it happened again. I fell off the face of the earth again but alas I have now returned. I’ve not done a post recently as I’ve been busy sorting out my mental health stuff which was overdue a collapse.

Life has been ticking along. Kids are now in school again and life is starting to go normally again. I even managed to get out of the house a few times which has helped.

Ugh. Sat here for over an hour staring at the screen trying to type something. Anything. I’ve resorted to music blasting in my ears to hopefully get me moving and block some other the more sinister thoughts out.

Must be desperate rocking out to Something Corporate.

Gold Finger now. Marginally more acceptable.

I dont know why I always have to take something to feel better and be me. Unless its the feeling of not being me and thats what I like. Its always take an extra pill, or take that pill and you will feel better. Its horrible because it does make me feel better but its also a negative way of being positive.

Need to resist.

Merde.

Why does my brain do this?

I’m angry. Frustrated and demotivated to the point of throwing in the towel. Not with my day to day life but my work life.

I overheard a group of people at the job centre say “He can’t be that bad if he’s self-employed” amongst other things which are on my records. I was sat on the chairs and they were huddled around a computer. “It says here that” and “Oh we will have to question that” and a few other things. I thought they were talking about someone else till they said my name.

It shouldn’t effect me but it does. I work hard to not be my mental illness, have a normal life not locked away somewhere and this just feels like undermining everything that I am doing. Its taken a decade to get to this point. If we turned the clocks back 10 years it would be a very different story. I couldn’t think straight, I went off the rails with everything and it was one big mess. If I didn’t have D and then kids by my side I wouldn’t be the person I am today. They stood by me every time I messed up and they understood mostly what was going on. We have had to make massive changes in both living and attitudes to be at the point where I can run this new community interest project. I just didn’t need someone dumping on me whilst I wasn’t happy to be there in the first place.

I work 16 hours running a community interest project. I break even most months and everything is declared to job centre people so everything is legit and by the book. I can’t press myself to do it full time as I’m not ready for that, its hard work as it is getting motivated and focussed. They hinted that I might have to apply for real work and I tried to explain that I work 16 hours rather than being sat on benifits twiddling my thumbs. The doctors and consultants say I shouldn’t be working but I can’t do that anymore. So a year ago I started this. And its survived. I’m sure everything will come crashing down when they make all these new changes and then I’ll be forced between keeping my sanity and a full time job. The last job I applied for and got fired me before I started due to my disability. So yeah. That’ll be a barel of laughs.

Today I’m at the office working away fixing things. Wish there was air con or something as it gets very hot in here. Especially when there are more than one of you. B is at the sports club whilst S is with her dad down south for a week. D is having a “me day” which she truly deserves.

Might try and escape early. Depends on if I can get my head to think straight again.

We all went to Wales on Sunday, well me, D and B. We took his bike and we went to Colwyn Bay. Where we used to live, well, near it. It was nice because we got there a bit late in the day so all the tourists had left. We even managed to bag a table at an outdoor cafe for munchies. B decided to give us a heart attack by cycling a mile away without telling us. We thought he headed back to the car as agreed but alas he went right instead of left. Minutes away from calling the police. But glad he came back before that became a thing.

We stopped at the house where my dad used to live. They have totally changed how it looks and it looks amazing! I was sad to see it again because of the memories but I’m so happy that someone has taken it, fixed it up and then built extensions, new roof and all sorts. Hopefully mum and dad are smiling, where ever they might be.

To whom it may regard

I’ve been reading up on what things I can write about to get things off my chest. I used to use BetterHelp.com for that but it got a bit expensive. Its great but its a strain on the family finances hence coming back to blogging.

There is a suggestion that you should write a letter, list or interview. I’m not sure which way to go but the thought of a letter would be nice.

*** Trigger warning: child abuse ***

Dear child abusers,
Go and FUCK yourselves instead of young, impressionable 13 year old boys that you have plied with alchohol and only to then leave them with a fucked up brain.

Thanks,
A

That was weird. Not usually one to swear too much when typing but the words were fitting to the situation.

Dear child abusers,
With regards to my previous letter I feel I should expand in a few areas. You groomed me for months by inviting me, at 13 years old, to hang out and watch Stargate whilst giving me orange juice with copious amounts of vodka in. Me being a teenager thought that this was so cool, that you guys were cool and I was being accepted as a friend with people older than me. I loved your company, hanging out and working with you at the religious centre. I always looked forward to my shifts with you. Talking about things and being treated like an adult.

Being invited to watch a film at the cinema. It was 8mm. No idea at 13-14 that it was based on the darker elements of sexuality. But I think you knew that. Well. Touching me in the cinema was probably planned as well. Then one day putting on porn instead of Stargate or Friends by “mistake” to see how I would react. I didn’t mind, I got to hang out with you still. So what if you did these weird and strange things. I was naive, I didn’t know better and thought this is how adult life is. I was honoured that you let me in your bedroom to fix your internet connection. So what if you stuck your tongue in my mouth, I got to feel special because I fixed something for you. That was just the way it was. Even when you invited a group of people round so they could sit and watch this weird stuff on tv whilst giving me drinks till I started having gaps in my memory. This really weird thing happened when I woke up at home the next day, after my unknowing parents who blamed themselves, discovered blood in my underwear and some strange pains and aches. Still. It didn’t matter. You were happy and from what I remember now after therapy, I must of loved it as I couldnt stop you. You must of thought of it as a game as I tried to get downstairs and away from you. I didn’t even know all your names.

When I was 15 the coolest thing happened to me. See, in school, I was being bullied and turned from this lively, outgoing boy to sneaking in vodka and getting drunk in the middle of high school. No one knew what was in the water bottle that I carried like a crutch. I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped talking to my parents. I was already at that stage of uncomfortableness in life as a teenager but having you guys guide me through it was awesome. I started to fall from being top of the class to the dregs at the bottom. It didn’t seem important any more. My report from school, sent home, was saying I was falling behind with everything, lacked enthusiam. Hell, I’ve still got the reports here with me today! My mum naively wrote “If you did something about A’s bullying problems then maybe his work would be better”. I didn’t come to my parents. I didnt want them embarressing me or being involved with the guys from work. As far as they knew everything was fine apart from at school. It was only in 2011 when I told my mum about what happened that she said the immortal line “Thats why there was blood in your underwear”. I was shocked at that comment but well yeah.

So the coolest thing. 15 year old me. Invited to go out clubbing with you and all your friends and a sleep over at your sisters house! Oh my god how amazing that someone who had no real friends for whatever reason, finally had acceptance from people. Not just any people. ADULTS. You treated me as an equal but sometimes special when you invited me to your bedroom with different people watching. Anyway. That didn’t matter. I left with you from work, got to your sisters and we got ready to go out on the town. By the time we walked to a friends house I was already drunk and out of it. You were all watching porn on tv. 5-6 of you? You started touching me. Not just one of you. You all wanted to. You all did. We then left and went to the pubs before ending up in a club. We drank, we danced, I stopped drinking as I was feeling really sick. Then the bouncers made me go outside for freshair. The next time I remember is being naked with 2 of you guys and a girl. Was that a camera? no matter. I threw up. Then pain. Then passed out. I don’t know how long I was asleep for but it wasn’t long. Grabbing my mouth and pouring more drink and me trying not to be sick. There was someone behind me doing something. Pain. Blood. Drink and then blank.

I woke up the next day at your sisters. You were so angry at me for being sick on the floor during the night. You made me feel like I was dog dirt. You shouted and threatened. You drove me back to work for my shift but I could barely stand. I called my mum and she came and collected me.

That was the last time I would work with you. I realised something wasn’t right and my parents pressured me to quit because they didn’t like the hassle of collecting me and dropping me off. You phoned the house and started giving me abuse over the phone. I was scared every time the phone would ring. You got what you wanted I, I think, I couldnt understand why you were so angry at me. One minute I was part of this amazing club and now I’m cast out, can’t see any of you and getting verbal abuse over the phone.

I started drinking on my own. 15-16 years old, I didn’t know better. I thought this is what life was. I swallowed the emotions and memories down. Deep down. My mum told me that I should do that with bullys. Ignore them, put the memories and things in a box in your mind and hide it. So I did that with the abuse. I just boxed it and drank. Then pills. My parents supply of codiene and tramadol. Hammering it and just being out of it to feel like it was.

Fast forward to the end of 2010. R was born. I saw her grand father pick her up. Then these. These flashes in my mind. Images of kids being abused, watching them do things to them. The taste of alchohol on my lips or someones breath. What the hell. The boxes started to open. I found a journal, some things written on my computer. It all came back. I spirled fast and hard. I lost my family. I turned to drink and drugs again.

Amazing that you could still hurt me decades later. Physical wounds heal but the mental ones are the hardest. Last night I was getting flashbacks again. I cried myself to sleep as I couldn’t even allow my wife to touch me because of the feelings I felt.

So I guess I wanted to say I hope it was worth it. My life effectively ended in 1998. You took my innocence and used it for your own pleasure. The effects are still here to this day. Every minute of every day you are but a flash away. I see a baby. I see you. I see drink, I smell your breath in my face. My beloved wife, who has stood with me since 2011 and been through all of this with me, touches me. I recoil and shudder from the woman I love with all my heart. She cries. It repeats.

I’ve tried tracking you all down to no joy. Of course there is no track, its been decades and you’ve moved. I drove round where your sisters house was. I couldn’t even get out of the car because I teared up and didn’t want you to see that. I drove past work. Its been taken over by a new company, not a religious retreat.

Ugh. That sums it up. Ugh. I know everyone else has problems in their past. This is my baggage and it doesn’t make me special. But seriously. I don’t even have words for you.

Thanks. Thanks for the memories,

A

Weird. I feel better. Sorry for over sharing but this is something I carry and putting a letter out to them makes me feel better. I think the only thing that I would add would be my brother who made a lovely comment back in 2019 when we were clearing my dads house out (mum and dad both died semi-recently). He turned to me and said “It couldn’t of been that bad being abused by a woman”. That question has burned on my brain. My reply should of been better but he caught me off guard “It was one woman and five men” I said. “Oh”. he said. Weird that, that comment made me feel like I was 13-15. Powerless. Maybe he was right? I must of enjoyed it. I let them do it.

Camping

We escaped the house and fled to Sherwood Forrest, where the legend of Robin Hood resides. When we got there (eventually after a 2 hour traffic jam) we pitched in the rain whilst the kids stayed in the car playing on phones.

We got soaked. Everything but we managed to get everything setup and changed into dry clothes and settled in with sausages and chips for dinner (we have a little oven). The camp site was also a fishery with 4 lakes and a canal. I brought all my fishing bits with me and taught the kids how to fish.

They loved it and what was even more precious? they both managed to catch a few fish over the weekend. D loved it as well, I had to wrestle one of the rods off her so the kids could have a go. I bought the kids a couple of poles but they found casting more fun so put two reels on.

It was so nice. Just relaxing by the canal. Catching the odd fish but that didnt matter. It was being outside, it was being with my family and an escape from the doom and gloom of the past few weeks.

We went out for a posh meal and Nina the dog was allowed in as well. Of course we had to go to the see the legend that is the forrest. The trees were beautiful and you could really feel the history surrounding you. Seeing the villagers who used to travel through there and where the king would hunt. It used to be over 100,000 acres of land reserved for the king as hunting grounds (this is like 300 years ago) and anyone found plundering food or wood would be punished. Its only about 1,000 acres now but still. You can feel it.

We got home late on yesterday and I’ve so far spent the day putting all the camping stuff back into the attic ready & waiting for the next trip. Hopefully we’ll be going up to Edinburgh to see the family, and some friends at the end of the month.

The new medication seems to be working, well its not new they just upped to the max dose which plays havoc in the morning when I take it for the first ten minutes but after that I feel better on them.

Squirm

So S is at home with me at the moment as her bubble burst at school for the second time this year. Its a bit sad because this was her last week in Primary School before heading to High School in September. So she is doing classes online since Monday and I’ve been working from home as shes not old enough to be on her own for too long, plus ASD.

She sends me this message from her room next to mine. How the hell did she get so old quick. Crazy. She already came into my room asking questions. They just watched “The Miracle of child birth” by the sounds of it. That or a porn video from pornhub with excessive screaming. I really hope it was child birth.

Its warm again. I’m British therefore I’m allowed to moan about the weather. It is one of the things we tend to talk about in random passing conversation with strangers. They said there might be thunderstorms later which I can’t wait for. I absolutely LOVE thunder and lightning the rain smashing down on the roof, the noise. Its so calming and exciting at the same time.

Growing up in a farm house had its perks when it comes to rain. Slate Roof. The noises of rain hitting slate instantly puts me to sleep. Its not the same when it hits anything else, especially in England where they dont usually use slate. Especially not in new builds.

Not that I miss living in the countryside….

The mental health is waxing and waning these days. Yesterday I was bad in the morning, ok for the afternoon and then bad late evening. I wish I could understand it better. I have everything a person could want in life but I still have these thoughts, feelings and behaviours that I can’t stop. I have the emergency number to call, which D wanted me to last night but by that point I popped some codiene and had beer which blurred things out a bit. I’ll try and call them if it gets worse.

Nina is doing ok. She had a blood test yesterday to try and figure out the fits. They think she is having partial fits every day from the descriptions and videos D did. Its not life threatning which is good but the bills are slowly getting higher and higher. Thank god for the pet insurance because the MRI scan is £3k on its own.

Escaped!

The meeting with the consultant went really well. They didn’t section me so I’m so thankful for that as I was so scared of missing B’s communion. They are altering the meds slightly and giving me a new care plan. Fingers crossed that will help get me out of this funk or at least let me manage it better.

So B’s communion was yesterday, also it was the hottest day of the year so the garden party was an amazing choice. It all went really well and had a great time. B’s sister, R, came as well and stayed over. It was amazing seeing all the kids together playing, giggling and generally being kids. There was a mountain of food and we even got to fire up the fire pit which I love doing.

B got the new oculus 2 so him and his sister were on it non stop. Amazing that VR tech has come so far and is starting to be affordable. It was a peaceful day as it was too hot to even walk the dog. R stayed till 2pm when her mum got her. It was relaxing and funny watching them play a vr climbing game. Can’t wait till Monday so I can finally have a proper go of it.

Next weekend we are going camping near a fishery which I’m really excited about. I’ll finally get to show the kids how to fish. Its been a year or so since I’ve been so yeah the kids are excited too. It’s near Sherwood forest, land of the legendry Robin Hood so plenty to see and do. Not that I’m planning on robbing rich people when I’m there to give to the needy but it’s always a possibility 😉

Doggo had a couple of siesures in her sleep last night. That was sad, think she must of been over stimulated with the party. She’s been ok today; just a bit quiet and wanting to be alone. Waiting to hear back from the vets.

D has got training tomorrow so it’ll be a daddy son day (S is at her dads) so will think of something fun to do. Hopefully it won’t be too hot so I can go to the park and drag Nina along as well.

I’ll see if I can stay awake for a random QOTD as I stupidly had an energy drink with a late left over party food dinner.

Hope you are all having a great weekend. Things are on the up since Thursday which is really great.

Blank Pages

After all the stuff that has been happening mental health wise, my doctor made an urgent referral to the hospital again so I can see my consultant. I thought in preperation I would type down my thoughts. What I typed I dont know as I didnt look at the screen, printed it and closed notepad. Yes. I still use notepad. Programmers habits die hard. I’ve folded it and put it in my pocket. What I typed came from just letting my mind do the typing, so am not feeling too great after that because its knocked my anxiety and paranoia up a notch. I’ll give it to the consultant at the end of the meeting because I’m scared about what I typed. That way I can make a run to the door before they can stop me 😉

It was so hard though. Typing out what you are feeling is never easy but when you really have a hard time processing and dealing with emotions its the ultimate block. Well. Not a block. It either comes out manically and fast or nothing at all. Extremes. Suppose thats why they call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Learn something new every day.

B’s communion is tomorrow which I’m looking forward to. Hes been working towards it for a while and we’ve got a big tent up in the garden for a meal with friends and family tomorrow. Due to covid the only people allowed in the church are me and D which is a shame as I know D’s mum wanted to come as well.

The dog, Nina, is doing well. No more fits or episodes in over a week. Hopefully it was just from stress and now that shes chilled everything has calmed down for her. I’m guessing due to being starved for the 5 years of her life, her obsession for eating food won’t stop. Shes still underweight but we’ve been sticking to a planned diet and shes slowly putting on weight again which is great. Problem is we have to hide everything food related. She demolished a bag of brioche rolls (no chocolate) when I went upstairs for two minutes the other day. Sad in a way but hopefully she’ll come to trust the regular feeding and be happy with that.

Meat tendoriser to the arm. Best reset the SH timer from last September then. F*cking brain.

Memes and madness

I went through the google downloaded photos again and found a few I would love to share with everyone. Well. Apart from the memes, they just made me smile when I saw them years ago.

I got in touch with the doctor today, well, submitted an online form since they no longer take appointments over the phone. Suppose thats good really considering I would rather die than make a phone call. I don’t know why I just can’t phone or answer the phone to people I dont know. It sets the anxiety overboard and I start over thinking the situation. That does’nt mean I can’t, I’ll answer it if I think I know who it is. Otherwise its a voicemail and I’ll call them back. That was my hack to get through it.

I explained the problems on the forms lovely white, empty box. I wrote a frikkin’ novel but hopefully it will make sense to them. On Friday I felt so bad I took half a bottle of promazine, my usual dose is 5ml. Not 150ml. So I woke up in a dazed state on Saturday. Anxiety pain and negative thoughts were still there. So solution? Yes. You guessed it. More meds. So rather than the 7mg diazepam I take at night for terrors I decided in my ultimate wisdom to pop 25mg. It worked. The thoughts stopped for an hour or so as I sat on the sofa drooling. Then I found some codiene. This is the point where you say “FFS”. So had 150mg of that. And that got rid of the thoughts and paranoia. Not content with the about of pills I had consumed, I raided my stash and had another 25mg of diazepam.

F*cks sake.

I haven’t had any yet. Whilst walking the dog yesterday I noticed an ambundance of magic mushrooms growing on the playing fields. I can safely say I was strong and didn’t pick them. Adding that to the mix wouldn’t really of helped matters. I dont know why always go back to pill taking to escape from my problems. The voices are pretty loud and the other guy is on auto-repeat with added images! So getting off my face on drugs quitens it but weakens the control. I won’t go into that again.

Anyways, explained all this on the form so hopefully I’ll get a phone call today and reopen my referral to CMHT since I’ve been on the waiting list for a new thearapist for the past year.

The dog is moaning. Walkies.

21st Century Breakdown

Hello.

Twenty-first century breakdown
I once was lost but never was found
I think, I am losing what’s left of my mind
To the twentieth century deadline

So. I can’t keep staring at the blank screen so I’ll just see how it goes. Firstly, the meme to the left is aimed more at me than anyone else. No one really bothers me much these days. To much negativity to be dragging around. I suppose of the “features” of the condition is the ability to split and completely without a second thought to it, cut someone out of your life as if they never existed. You can’t always determine who the split will be. If its random then you have no control on the time it lasts. I can split for minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. It just totally depends what “he” decides.

I haven’t split unintentionally for a while now has been good. I’m sort of splitting from myself in a way. I really really hate myself so of course it makes a logical reason to feel that way with myself.

I’m aware you can’t split from yourself no more than can you walk through a wall. But, maybe, in psuedo thinking you could technically split from a personality thats trapped inside you. Or would that be giving up the battle? What if I just said “F*ck it” and be done with it. Accept the person that I’m supposed to be, stop the meds, lose control and let “him” be in charge. Its what he wants any way.

But alas I cannot give in. He knows how to hurt me. He shows me things I don’t want to see. Memories that I dont want to relive when I don’t behave. He knows the ultimate way of putting me down. My FP (favourite person) B. He knows that if he flashes an image of him whilst showing me the memories of sexual abuse when I was in my teenage years. He knows itll break me. Stop me dead in my tracks and throw me off and triggered for an unknown length of time.

See. You don’t get to choose your FP. Its a weird attachment thing that people with certain disorders have where you link or bond with someone and that person, good or bad, becomes the centre of your world. You would do anything to protect them and you would kill them by your own hand rather than expose them to hard. Its extreme. Its both fiery hot and freezing cold. You world crashes down should you think they think a bad thought about you. If it isnt perfect, if it isn’t amazing then you are welcomed with severe stomach piercing feelings. You pray, you beg, you cry out that you didn’t mean to upset them even though its only a tone of voice that you hear. That is slightly off, even if it isn’t there you find it.

Its exhaustive. Realistically, B has saved my life many a time. The simple imaginary look on his face when he hears I have died has silenced many attempts and hospital admissions. Thats not the problem though. I have that, its my safe guard. But the real crux of the problem? control. I can’t lose control, ever. If I let my guard down for a second, the other one moves in. I see flashes of the things he is doing. A creepy smile spreading on my face that I cannot stop.

Addiction. Not ideal when you want to lose control and escape for a few hours. I can’t abuse drugs any more. Well thats true and not true. I can sedate myself with prescribed meds and chill out for a few hours without losing control and so long as I don’t do it for days on end. I havent injected since 2012 which near year will be a ten year victory. I used to be addicted to Ampthetamine.

Not my most glamrous part of my life shooting up to deal with the world, to go to work, to behave, to stay awake. B was born in 2011. So the added pressures were used, for lack of a better word, excuses to abuse the hell out of my body. Those drugs made me lose control several times leading to social services intervention and a whole fun host of other things including the police.

That ten year victory sounds good now having just typed that.

I don’t think I’m at risk right now to be injecting. I’m just babbling about things that can cause the lack of control to occur, to free my other me.

Control. Got to walk the line. Which is incredibly thin sometimes.

Google Photos

I discovered that you can mass download all the photos you have saved with Google Photos. 129k photos. I kid you not! Found this gem of a photo which shows probably my first mobile phone back at the end of high school. Only fitting that its taken in the pub, where I was getting drunk aged 16. Ahh the memories 🙂

I’ve been casually looking through the photos all day. Some great memories, some truly horrific but I think its important to recognise both at the same time. Hide as I might from my past, it always comes back to you. I suppose thats what the medication is for, so I dont remember too much.

I’ve not been well the past few days. Mentally I’m struggling and now I’m getting physical symptoms as well. My stomach in knots, the other me trying to take over and burst out. Its like walking through cement again. I only just got over my last bump and now another one? so soon? I hate this. The way it makes me feel. The thoughts it makes me have and the pain I put through others by not being available.

I had my thearapy yesterday which I was dreading. Turned out to be super useful in the end as he gave me a few more things for my skills toolbox to use when things are getting bad. He also asked if I needed hospitalisation but I couldnt and wont put the burden onto the hospitals. They are busy enough with covid. I’ll get through it. Just wish I knew how to get rid of the physical feelings because its bursting at the seams. All I can do is sit and wait for it to pass. Act normal and keep going. Despite what the other one wants me to do.

Enough of that.

Watched the last episode of friends just now. I never got round to watching the last series so I’ve been watching it on and off with D this and last month. It ended. I wasn’t sad but thats because I was expecting it. D was in tears. I just kept thinking about the reunion episode and how much crap 4 of them had injected into there faces. Joey was the clear winner. Weight gain is natural. Botox is not.

Tomorrow is weekend. I promised B to take him swimming and then a visit to the museum while D goes to work. Looking forward to that. Proper daddy-son day. Hell. Might take him fishing on Sunday too, if I can find a new shelter tent to buy!

Have a great weekend everyone