A moment in my life that made me feel alive would have to be the birth of my kids. Nothing can prepare you for the moment you come face to face with your freshly born child. It is such a natural, primal moment to happen. I say moment but I spent the first few years in sheer wonder that this child had seemingly just appeared and I was now partially responsible for.
I can still remember the first night back, the three of us just hugging and existing. Well, in my mind that was a moment when I felt truly alive.
Prior to that, when I was 13-14 years old I went to st Lucia with my parents. They were doing some consultancy work over there and brought me and my brother along. It was a brutal 12 hour flight in first class. When we got there, the person my parents were carrying out some work for took us to a small beach bar called Spinnakers. It was pitch black. I had never been in such a place with such little light pollution.
I remember standing on the beach and just looking up for the first time since we arrived. I was speechless. Well. I emitted an ‘oh’ sound. You could see everything. The sky was just filled full of stars, you could see the milky way, it was crazy. At that moment you felt alive but also so, so small in comparison to what you were viewing. Somehow I felt connected to everything. Its a hard one to explain, probably because I don’t have anything else more significant but to me it was.
They also made amazing banana milkshakes with freshly grown bananas from the plantations near by. We went a few times over the years, staying in various town houses not hotels and mixing with the locals.
So I left shortly after that post, the heating came on only for a few moments, so I was that cold I got an Uber to D’s house and sat there with the dogs warming up. The Uber ride over in the afternoon was amazing. He had the heating up on full, so I said “I love the heating in your car”. He laughed and said he liked it cozy rather than ice-cold. I could have hugged him.
Got to the house and sorted the dogs out. They managed to get into some treats and a bin was kindly emptied, but they didn’t do their business in the house, so that’s generally a win. I had a delivery with some sauces, soaps, and a few other bits for when I’m in the flat as a treat. Well, not really a treat for anyone else (except maybe S) as it’s hot sauces, mayo, and ketchup. All sorts. So that’s another box to the growing mountain in the lounge. Sat down as the cold buggered off.
Kids came home so I surprised them both with Maltesers, which they both love. I spent ten minutes talking with them. Before I knew it, I was being dragged upstairs to watch B on MS Flight Simulator. He knows all the button switches, how to lay in a course, and loads of other stuff I had no idea about until he told me. Airline pilot or programmer. I could settle for either.
I was treated to pasta, toasties, and a homemade apple & pear crumble. Hot food. So satisfying and appreciated.
And to sum it up… (less cold)
I got back to the hotel, opened the door and warm air hit me in the face. The room was so lovely and warm. Then sat down, scheduled some posts, talked to Day, and now I’ll make a cup of tea, email the best friend, and listen to music.
Talk about relentless all day, the seizures were constant and I couldn’t do a thing about them. Each seizure left me more exhausted than the last. I had two in the morning, which left me in bed as they came with paralysis on my left hand side. Then another one at 6 pm, which is why I’m finding it so hard to type things out. So why do a post? Stubborn, mostly. Since I was bedridden, I slept on and off all day, so my body clock is out. It’s 2.52 am here.
So, I’m feeling better about the divorce and the fact that, at least on my part, we are still friends. Even if it’s for the kids’ sake, they are old enough to understand. Besides, they get an extra birthday, extra Christmas. I’m still around a few days every week. Ugh, this is annoying. Whenever I type, it’s missing letters. Hopefully, the spell check will find them. Additionally, I’ve realized how my seizure sometimes makes writing difficult for me.
The jerking is still the most annoying side of this whole thing. Imagine someone following you who randomly pushes your arms out. A single sudden seizure episode can cause me to lose control unexpectedly. So reaching for a drink makes you tip it out or drop food. All sorts, so you just say sorry all the time; I hate it.
I’ll stop before the rambling gets worse. By the way, living with seizure effects is undoubtedly frustrating.
I’m back. I’ve had my little sulk and feeling sorry for myself but that is over now. I know the words weren’t said in malice but in no way did that detract from the painfulness of the words. I’ve decided not to tell the person involved because, well, I took the insult that wasn’t meant and forgive them in my absence.
The heat is still here! I have proclaimed so many times I’m not a fan of the heat but omg it has to go. It’s just a constant heat all day, every day for the past 4-5 days. I can cope during the day but at night time, it’s just awful. I never understood why Britain is always lagging behind other countries, Most modern countries have air conditioning but no. Not Britain. We have to be different and treat it as an extravagance. Maybe that’s down to the climate here. But if warmer summers are going to be hitting us every year then I can see a massive rise in sales! Must remember to buy shares in air conditioning companies in the UK.
I’ve spent Friday to Saturday at Doti’s house with the kids. There was a huge argument at 10 a.m. about noise. Ben is over-sensitive again with this dysphonia. I hate that condition. I truly do. So he was screaming because Suzi was on call with her friends. So went to check with Suzi and she was on Netflix. Asked her to put in headphones as it was late and got a whole load of abuse and a door being slammed in my face. I cannot begin to describe the anger one feels as a door is slammed in one’s face. Fuck me. I lost my temper and proceeded to explain I would rip the door off, followed by trying to punch through the door till there was silence. Headphones had gone in. Internet access is cut off at 11 pm on non-school nights and apart from Ben coming down in the middle of the night for a glass of water and a hug, it passed with ease. I forgot how much heat the house holds. Faced with the demonic bone-twisting sofa it took me ages to fall asleep. Then I remembered I hadn’t taken my evening meds so was out like a lamp after taking them.
I’m guessing most people can read behind the lines when Doti doesn’t come back till the next day, that she isn’t staying at her mums like I tell the kids. It’s an odd feeling. The person you love is staying over at her boyfriend’s house whilst you sleep in a house steeped in memories of the relationship you had. Still loving this person who you would do anything for, your wife still legally, has a boyfriend. Your thoughts constantly annoy you with regret and pain. You know there is nothing you can do about it but just plod on. Just when you think you have it covered. Boom. Can you stay over while I go to my boyfriend’s house? Yeah thanks, see you later. Ugh. I’ll get over it. Just feels weird and wrong for me at the moment.
I was depressed about everything Friday night. Probably contributed to the now bruised knuckles on both hands. Then didn’t sleep well at the house and when I got back to the motel I was distraught. I called the mental health crisis line and spoke to them for what seemed like an hour. They called me back a couple of times to make sure I was okay. I took a bunch of PRN meds, which is what they are there for, fell asleep, watched MasterChef and managed to schedule a couple of posts on here.
I’m still pretty low at the moment but plans to end my life are on pause. I’ve decided to work through and the pros & cons have helped. It’ll just take a few days and some space if that’s even possible. I have my consultant and CPN on Monday, and right after that, I have to go back to the house. That will trigger and the whole fucking week will be groundhog day. I have work to do for the charity almost every day of the week, next week, as there is a backlog of device requests I need to unblock.
I’ve missed out on seeing Rebecca today because of the depressed stuff. She’s the one person who has never seen me at my worst. I just don’t have it in me to be normal today. Which makes it even all the worse. Next weekend. Next Sunday. Things should be better by then. In the meantime, I’ll do some posts as that helps me 😊
The bright white screen glare was giving me a suntan, so I’ve moved over to outlook to type this as it has a dark feature. I’m boiling. I hate the heat. I know its hot when my anti-sweat pills from the doctors don’t work. Taken a double dose so hopefully that will do the trick. Feeling sick. I think the kimchi tub I had for dinner is trying to escape its nice warm bed in my stomach, which is lovely I must say. Anyway.
Today was a mixed bag. I woke up early and called the mental health team to arrange an appointment with the consultant, so that’s sorted for next Monday. I got all my clothed ready to be washed. Social worker number 1 called to see how things are going, met with social worker number 2 and on Wednesday I’m hosting a meeting with social worker number 3. They’ve also extended my stay here for another week. Sort of happy, sort of sad. I have stability for a week but its frustrating that a property hasn’t been found yet. Hopefully soon.
My CPN and social worker number 3 want to come along to see the consultant with me which is nice. I explained that I’m scared I’ll just say everything is okay when its not. I’m not suicidal again yet which is good, but my voices and hallucinations have made a comeback. Also, that weird waking dream thing keeps happening. Lost in thought. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll call the crisis line and bore them with the details it’s been a few weeks since I phoned them now, I have a CPN to moan to.
Doti asked me to come over and check in on the kids after my meeting today. It was nice Suzi came down and gave me a hug. I bought them sandwiches and sausage rolls. Drinks and treats that they probably wont like, which is fine because I’ll be there tomorrow from 9am. Ben starts his school tomorrow. Think I’m more nervous than he is. He needs to get to the bus stop, jump on till end of the line and then finish with a long walk to the high school. He has all the bus details printed out and laminated. He’s got his phone so if he gets stuck or lost I can track him down and collect him. Suzi is going back on Wednesday, so I’ll have some company apart from the dogs. I ordered some clothes as a treat which should be arriving tomorrow and a back brace.
I looked around online to find a solution to my weak back and people were raving about how good a back brace is. So opted for one of the more expensive ones in the hopes that it will make walking a bit easier. Or if I can stand longer. Standing seems to be the main issue. I can walk, get to the shop, pain starts, get my shopping, rest at the counter while the nice people pack my stuff, get back to the motel room and omg chair I love you feelings when I sit down. Within a minute, less than a minute, the pain goes and I’m happy again. If the back brace helps me last just a couple of minutes longer, I will be happy. Otherwise, it goes back to amazon.
I’ll try and lay down and see if the sweating stops or I magically cool down. Night folks.
Wake up, coffee. Where is the coffee? Aha, coffee. Make coffee. Shit no water in the kettle. Go to the bathroom and fill up the kettle awkwardly as the tap is bent. Manage to get it half full. I’m still in the motel if you haven’t guessed. The kettle is on! Right find pills for the day, and take the morning ones. Now something to eat for breakfast, aha nutrition bars, they will do. Have one or two of them so the pills can get into action. Kettles boiled. Hurrah now we are in business. Oh am stoned, pills must be working. Sit down and scroll through news and things for an hour.
Right over to the house to see the kids. Right gets ignored by teenage S, and B comes down and gives the best hugs ever. He’s 11. I need him to stay that age. He goes to high school next month and I’m fucking terrified for him. Watch Ben play on one of his many racing games. Suzi comes down for food now and again saying hello and state-ordered hugs. Play with the dogs, take them to the park and back.
Doti has come back from work and I can go to the motel. I go on my laptop and find a pot of something to put hot water into. I wait for that to make a coffee. Dinner time scrolling through the news of the day and eating like a king.
Part of me sees me building up the various websites and assets I own into a full-scale proper business. Along the lines of digital device procurement, refurbishment and release into the community. The only problem with the whole model is that it’s a free service supported by government grants and social funds. I have started to make way with Busy Bee Tech, which needs a new name, in creating content for the digital poverty the country is facing and the solutions we have to counteract it. So that’s slowly starting to generate traffic through keywords. I’ve also been sharing the articles from the Busy Bee Tech site on LinkedIn.
I would love to own property, ideally, a flat that I can rent out. Or a static home near Whitby that I can run away to whenever I want and have the kids come with me.
I would like to think I’m fitter, less fat and more agile than I am now.
Not having killed someone, would be good and is a constant worry.
Having my own house/flat, where the kids can come over whenever they like and stay for as long as they want and do what they want.
Alive. With no more surprise health conditions would be nice.
So the laptop that I’m borrowing has a proper full size keyboard on it which makes typing so much easier. The keyboard is backlit which is beyond awesome (still working on using that word less) for me as I can sit in the dark and type a blog post. Because sitting in the dark with the curtains closed is normal at 5pm in the summer 0.o
I went to the office today in the end. I was stood in the room, all my stuff ready. Car keys, room keys, phone and pipe. Then after 5 minutes of shoes on shoes off I managed to make it to the car. There I sat thinking. The apprentice wont be in so any point of me going in? will they want to see me? do they even know me? lots of illogical random questions. Then I thought. “Fuck it”, slammed the car into gear and off I fled. I survived 4 hours which is a personal best for being in one place that isnt where I sleep. It was nice to talk to everyone at the charity as always. Plus one of them has a dog and omg hes awesome. Hes a bull mastif I think. Head twice the size of the body and wiggling pile of muscle. Who kept jumping on Judy which was sweet. Sorted out a few more laptops, tablets and phones ready for going out into the world.
I was going to walk around town but my back is really sore, I’ve avoided pain killers because we all know what Andy does when he’s around drugs. He eats them all. Managed to get back to the motel in one piece and nipped to the garage next door and grabbed some bits for dinner & breakfast. Then proceeded to sort out my meds from paper bags to the storage bag so its neat and tidy.
Christ almighty its karaoke night. Headphones on. If its not drunken bumwars in the corridor and car park its singing. I wouldn’t mind if they had talent but are they deaf?! leave it to the pros.
I’m with the kids tomorrow 9-4 which I’m looking forward to. I saw them yesterday as Ben was ill so I popped over. I say popped over but this place is on the outskirts on Bolton. Egh. Its worth it. He got the new Forza yesterday and hooked his steering wheel to my computer and sent me a few video clips. I’ll try and upload them after this.
I need the hotel door wedge lock thing. Hopefully they’ll find a place for me somewhere. I keep bidding on properties but never get close to anything. I know they’ve formally declared me homeless so they have a duty to find a place or keep me here till they do. Which is great, its made a massive difference to my mental health. Had a wobble to begin with but I handled it. They extended it till Tuesday next week but the Monday is a bank holiday so not sure if they are extending it again before Monday. Hopefully they will.
I’m using Microsoft Edge. Trialling it, see if it competes with Firefox which I’ve used since they were around. Netscape. Anyone remember that one?
So as you are probably aware I’m quite simple-minded when it comes to things. On Thursday I got a new keyboard and have been dying to try it out. So much so that I plugged a USB-c into a usb-a and shorted out the USB-c 1 TB SSD and two USB ports. Fantastic. I must say. So after swapping over a few things and putting a USB hub in the middle of everything I now have a working system again. Well. It was working before I broke it and the ports are shorted but aside from that we are cooking with gas.
Yesterday was D’s graduation. It was a very odd sort of feeling watching the woman you love, seeing her do it from start to finish, and now pending ex-wife, up on the stage. I was so proud of her as she finally got the graduation she deserved. When she got her first degree in 2020 they couldn’t do it because of covid, so this time round meant more. Plus personally, I think the PGCE was harder than the Bsc due to the dithering skill set. I managed to get around the town with stick, and Ds mum on occasion. That was a big success as it means I can do it. Shattered right now though from it. I suppose when you don’t do something for a while it takes a while to get it back!
|I’m struggling with what to say. I had a conversation, for lack of a better term, last night with D who reads the blog from time to time. She took offense to a post. The one about me falling over. My views on it haven’t changed and I don’t believe in typing anything that you wouldn’t say to someone’s face. The reality of losing my best friend & wife of 8 years seems very real. I know her reasons for it and there isn’t anything I can do about it unless I get rid of my disability. Which I can’t. So now I’m upset and getting depressed about it as it’s just another thing on top of everything. But the part that truly breaks my heart is that I won’t get to welcome the kids home every day and hear about what they’ve been up to or what they’ve had for lunch. That really makes me sad. I don’t know how I’ll deal with that one, I really don’t.
I’m having some major anxiety issues at the moment. I’m sure my leg shaking can be heard from miles around. It’s on hyperdrive mode at the moment, when it’s not shaking my soul is trying to escape through from my stomach. Soul. Stomach. The demon might be better tbh. I just need to try and take my mind off it for a few minutes to calm it down, I’ve got music on but not loud as the kids are home. Usually, my go-to is my headphones but if I put them on I’m scared the kids will stand behind me and when I turn around they’ll scream or do some scary shit and I’ll freak out. So headphones are a no-go at the moment.
I think the dogs know something is up. Well. Nina does anyway, she keeps coming over and nudging me. Usually, she just sits in the corner staring. Dobby has found himself a sock and is currently chewing it. I tried to play fetch but she wasn’t having non of it and sat down for a good long chew. What do you do if a dog swallows a sock? it’s a big sock. I’m overthinking it.
D came back at 3am from her holiday with S in Greece. Staring at them is so painful it burns my skin. The word lobster comes to mind. Just pure sunburn everywhere! I gave S some cream this morning that D left out for her. She’s not going to school today as it would be torture with her sunburn putting on the uniform. Hopefully, she’ll be fine to go tomorrow. B is still at home as his school has an extra week off. So I’ve been watching him play different games and amused him since I’ve come back, well, since D left for Greece BUT OMG best present ever, 3 counterfeit packets of Pokemon cards to go in my weird and bizarre collection of cards. Just been through them now. They are quite good to play with but they are so golden that it makes it hard to read the writing on the cards. Awesome present.
Today is the 8th anniversary of me and D getting married. Aww. It has actually flown past but it’s a nice reminder to see how long we’ve been together. I do love her and hope we have many more in the future! We agreed to celebrate it later in the month as she’s shattered (amongst other things) and won’t be home till late.
I feel a bit better. Well no. no I don’t. But I did for a few minutes while I was typing it up. Thank you for listening.
