Talk about relentless all day, the seizures were constant and I couldn’t do a thing about them. Each seizure left me more exhausted than the last. I had two in the morning, which left me in bed as they came with paralysis on my left hand side. Then another one at 6 pm, which is why I’m finding it so hard to type things out. So why do a post? Stubborn, mostly. Since I was bedridden, I slept on and off all day, so my body clock is out. It’s 2.52 am here.
So, I’m feeling better about the divorce and the fact that, at least on my part, we are still friends. Even if it’s for the kids’ sake, they are old enough to understand. Besides, they get an extra birthday, extra Christmas. I’m still around a few days every week. Ugh, this is annoying. Whenever I type, it’s missing letters. Hopefully, the spell check will find them. Additionally, I’ve realized how my seizure sometimes makes writing difficult for me.
The jerking is still the most annoying side of this whole thing. Imagine someone following you who randomly pushes your arms out. A single sudden seizure episode can cause me to lose control unexpectedly. So reaching for a drink makes you tip it out or drop food. All sorts, so you just say sorry all the time; I hate it.
I’ll stop before the rambling gets worse. By the way, living with seizure effects is undoubtedly frustrating.
I’m back. I’ve had my little sulk and feeling sorry for myself but that is over now. I know the words weren’t said in malice but in no way did that detract from the painfulness of the words. I’ve decided not to tell the person involved because, well, I took the insult that wasn’t meant and forgive them in my absence.
The heat is still here! I have proclaimed so many times I’m not a fan of the heat but omg it has to go. It’s just a constant heat all day, every day for the past 4-5 days. I can cope during the day but at night time, it’s just awful. I never understood why Britain is always lagging behind other countries, Most modern countries have air conditioning but no. Not Britain. We have to be different and treat it as an extravagance. Maybe that’s down to the climate here. But if warmer summers are going to be hitting us every year then I can see a massive rise in sales! Must remember to buy shares in air conditioning companies in the UK.
I’ve spent Friday to Saturday at Doti’s house with the kids. There was a huge argument at 10 a.m. about noise. Ben is over-sensitive again with this dysphonia. I hate that condition. I truly do. So he was screaming because Suzi was on call with her friends. So went to check with Suzi and she was on Netflix. Asked her to put in headphones as it was late and got a whole load of abuse and a door being slammed in my face. I cannot begin to describe the anger one feels as a door is slammed in one’s face. Fuck me. I lost my temper and proceeded to explain I would rip the door off, followed by trying to punch through the door till there was silence. Headphones had gone in. Internet access is cut off at 11 pm on non-school nights and apart from Ben coming down in the middle of the night for a glass of water and a hug, it passed with ease. I forgot how much heat the house holds. Faced with the demonic bone-twisting sofa it took me ages to fall asleep. Then I remembered I hadn’t taken my evening meds so was out like a lamp after taking them.
I’m guessing most people can read behind the lines when Doti doesn’t come back till the next day, that she isn’t staying at her mums like I tell the kids. It’s an odd feeling. The person you love is staying over at her boyfriend’s house whilst you sleep in a house steeped in memories of the relationship you had. Still loving this person who you would do anything for, your wife still legally, has a boyfriend. Your thoughts constantly annoy you with regret and pain. You know there is nothing you can do about it but just plod on. Just when you think you have it covered. Boom. Can you stay over while I go to my boyfriend’s house? Yeah thanks, see you later. Ugh. I’ll get over it. Just feels weird and wrong for me at the moment.
I was depressed about everything Friday night. Probably contributed to the now bruised knuckles on both hands. Then didn’t sleep well at the house and when I got back to the motel I was distraught. I called the mental health crisis line and spoke to them for what seemed like an hour. They called me back a couple of times to make sure I was okay. I took a bunch of PRN meds, which is what they are there for, fell asleep, watched MasterChef and managed to schedule a couple of posts on here.
I’m still pretty low at the moment but plans to end my life are on pause. I’ve decided to work through and the pros & cons have helped. It’ll just take a few days and some space if that’s even possible. I have my consultant and CPN on Monday, and right after that, I have to go back to the house. That will trigger and the whole fucking week will be groundhog day. I have work to do for the charity almost every day of the week, next week, as there is a backlog of device requests I need to unblock.
I’ve missed out on seeing Rebecca today because of the depressed stuff. She’s the one person who has never seen me at my worst. I just don’t have it in me to be normal today. Which makes it even all the worse. Next weekend. Next Sunday. Things should be better by then. In the meantime, I’ll do some posts as that helps me 😊
I think the technical word for it is separate. Then once the paperwork comes through and it’s all official with the courts then it’s Divorce. Unless someone contests it when the divorce paperwork comes through. I wouldn’t do something like that, would I? Not like someone went off and had an affair before the paperwork or even a notice of being divorced.
So for that to make any sense I’ll give you an exciting look at my marriage and personal life: Met in 2007 Together in 2010 Sort of, sort of not 2011 Together in 2012 Married in 2015 Separated in 2023
The longest relationship I have ever had actually. D had been married before, she had an affair with me and I cheated on what would be R’s mum with D. 2011 is and was the most fucked up year of my life, the lies I made, the things I did and the people saw. Madness. There was always one constant and that was D. She was pure in my mind, a candle flame that can’t be blown out because that would make the world a darker place. Day two of divorce she blew her candle out.
I should have been there more. I should have given her what she needed.
No one wins in a breakup. Well, maybe those with friends they keep in reserve.
So single. I’ve sworn off women for now. For a long while. I heard once was one year of a relationship is equal to one month of getting over. So we’ll go for 2012, 11 months to get over the relationship. That’s fair. About the same as the hospital said my recovery would be. I still don’t understand the recovery period. Does that mean that I am miraculously going to be able to walk without searing back pain? Oh, I was quite actually impressed. I went to the garage next door which has a shop built in, I was struggling with the basket, walking about. My back was in complete agony. I got to the till and I swear I was going to ask them for a chair. Thankfully the guy took my shopping bagged it for me and put the basket back. It’s things like that that help. I managed to get back to the motel, room and then I faceplanted on the bed for ten minutes.
I’ll have to have a look online and see if there are some exercises that I can do with my back or if it’s just keep walking till it improves. I do walk every day now. Maybe a gym with a running machine. I can hold onto the sides if I need to and then start at level one again and try. I’ll ask my social worker if they have any offers on gyms. Or a discount as I’ll just be using one machine. Oh yeah talking about relationships. Yup, this was the longest one. Since I’m 40 my options are pretty limited unless I make it big with Bitcoin, lottery or good looks & hypnotism. Of which I have none. So I’ll exist until Allah/God/Chukulu puts someone in my path.
Who am I kidding? A photocopy of D would be awesome. She was perfect and I lost her. Stupid body. God. I could do with a bottle of wine or two. Never thought in my life I would ever be craving wine. Most normal men crave beer, buy it, drink it, sleep. I wish it was simple. But wine is the weapon of choice. Or rum. Rum, I can drink from the bottle. Although is nicer with ice and a snifter of coke. Snfiter. Coke. They probably belong in a sentence somewhere but not here, I am not a snifter of coke. Never have, never will. Pharmaceuticals is a different game. That is one that I abuse with hilarious consequences. And it’s all legal as well:
Risperidone, twice a day. Sertraline, two in the morning. Promazine, four times a day. Procyclidine, twice a day. Propranolol, three times a day. Cyclizine, three times a day, Pro Banthine, four times a day, Codeine, up to four times a day as needed, Pregabalin, three times a day Diazepam 5mg, once a day Diazepam 2mg, three times a day So 31 tablets. In a day. #FML
