Tag: anxiety

The Weekend Report (On a Tuesday)

Andy Young5 Comments
Weekend report -

We are officially doing the Weekend Report on a Tuesday. The timeline is flexible.

Things kicked off with a proper storm. The wind was howling, the rain was lashing against the windows, and pretty much every remaining leaf has been stripped from the trees. I was holding out hope for a power cut or a full thunderstorm, but you can’t have everything. It was the perfect background noise for summarizing my week in this informal report over the weekend.

I’ve been dealing with the side effects of a seizure, meaning my left arm currently has absolutely zero power. The electric tin opener has officially become the MVP of the kitchen. Because of the fallout from it, Ben couldn’t come over, but my carers stepped in with four daily visits to keep things running. They’ve been brilliant, and in this latest report for the weekend I can’t overstate how grateful I am for their help.

Movies & the sofa

With a lot of sofa time required, I leaned heavily into background noise to keep the brain quiet. I cycled through Amityville, a couple of Halloween movies, and the first Wishmaster. I tried to read some classic Jules Verne, but my thoughts were too loud, so I had to switch to adding a podcast to finally distract myself. A batch of new books arrived on Sunday, which I probably should have reached for instead. As you can see, my summary of the weekend report often involves all sorts of entertainment and distractions.

Blobette and Mojo, meanwhile, had an excellent weekend. I gave them a mix of greens covered in water, which they happily ate before deciding it was actually a bath. They spent ages unceremoniously sitting in a puddle, rolling about while the other patiently waited their turn. On weekends, their antics are always worthy of a mention in my little report.

Today is also a big day: Suzi is 17. The trains from Congleton are currently a mess because of damaged overhead lines, so I made sure to post her presents ahead of time so she’d have something to open today. Hopefully, she can make it round here for a proper visit once the transport is sorted. Updates like these add a little spirit to my personal Weekend Report every week.

Cheese & wine

In other news, I am attempting to lose a bit of weight, which means cutting down on cheese and pivoting to low-fat options where possible. Tragically, I have completely run out of cheese again. I don’t think I can ever give it up entirely; it is practically my heritage. It takes me right back to being 12 or 13 at the farm. After my mum finished work, we’d sit in the dining room. She would have a big glass of red wine, a selection of little cuts of cheese, and potato triangle crisps, and she would share them with me. It was only ever a thirty-minute window, but I really enjoyed that time. By the way, these memories are always a highlight of any report I write for the weekend.

Weekend report -
Weekend report – 15 year old photo of my late mum at the farm with ben and her beloved wine.

For now, I am back on the sofa, waiting for my stomach to settle from the anxiety. My physical and mental health are currently locked in a fierce competition to see which can be the most spectacularly uncooperative. It is a decidedly rough patch right now, but much like a stubborn piece of tech, I just need a firm smack on the side. I’ll bounce back. I always do. To sum up, this week’s edition of the report, Weekend style, has been a blend of challenges, comfort, and nostalgia.

The Weekend Report: Digital Freight, Nosey Cameras, and Ballistic Shields

Andy Young3 Comments
old photo of ben

The weekend has officially concluded, the teenager has been successfully returned to his rightful owners, and I am currently pinned to the sofa by a necessary dose of diazepam (or Valium, for those stateside). I had to take it to calm my nervous system down after a post-visit, overwhelm-induced seizure. Project Zomboid is on in the background, and I am heavily contemplating a sofa nap that my brain will almost certainly refuse to allow. Not to mention I had terrible nightmares last night. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep so while it was good to sleep for six hours, the nightmares? so not worth it.

Ben made it home safely this afternoon. The trains were packed, which I’m sure made the 15-minute walk to the station carrying a bag stuffed with roughly 80% of my fridge’s contents an absolute joy. We had a great time, largely fueled by a newly purchased Steam sale game called Bering Tonnage. It is an incredibly complicated cargo shipping simulator that we spent five solid hours trying to figure out on Saturday. I tapped out at 11:30 PM. I found out today that Ben, left to his own devices, stayed up moving digital freight until 4:00 AM. That certainly explains his absolute fatigue when I woke him up this morning. I did actually play the role of responsible parent and made him proper bacon and fried egg sandwiches for breakfast.

Before he succumbed to the cargo logistics black hole, he did actually earn his keep. The new daylight lamp for the birds is officially installed and operational. Mojo and Blobette absolutely love it, and it is going to be a lifesaver for the darker winter nights (and for the days I simply need to hide from the world with the blackout blinds). I tried to capitalise on this good mood by enticing Mojo with some millet spray. He looked genuinely tempted to step onto my outstretched hand, but my FND was thoroughly playing up, leaving my arm shaking like a leaf. Mojo abruptly cancelled the negotiation—birds, it turns out, do not trust a vibrating perch. Thankfully, the diazepam is starting to calm those tremors down, so I will try again after his current snooze.

In other domestic news, we took some time to reposition the front security camera so it can properly see the steps leading to the main door. Why? Because someone was outside throwing up, and naturally, we had to stealthily pan the camera to get a better look at the drama. Am I nosey? Yes. Do I have any regrets? Absolutely not.

Looking ahead, I am very close to hitting my savings goal for Ben’s birthday and Christmas present. At the end of the month, I’ll be ordering him a £150 electric guitar bundle that comes with the amp and strings. He has been playing acoustic brilliantly for the past few years, so he is incredibly excited for the upgrade. His mum is picking up a floor stand and an effects pedal for him, because the walls in his new house apparently do not have the structural integrity to support wall mounts.

On the blog admin side of things, I had a very pleasant surprise. It turns out I have a Tumblr account that WordPress has been quietly cross-posting to, and it is actually getting some engagement. Even better, someone generously dropped a £5 donation in my Buy Me a Coffee. To whoever that was: you have no idea how much that made me smile. Thank you. It has given me the kick I needed to look into the platform’s features and figure out some actual reward tiers for the future.

Finally, against my better judgement, a brief foray into world affairs. I don’t usually talk politics or religion here, largely because it’s too polarising and life is exhausting enough. But the whole Trump taking Russia’s side thing is genuinely baffling to me. It also got me thinking about the UK’s nuclear deterrence strategy. Why are we relying on the frankly terrifying “Mutually Assured Destruction” promise of hitting back? Surely, building a ballistic shield to cover the UK and parts of Europe would be a much more sensible choice. Charge us all a fiver a month on our council tax bills to fund it. It would certainly belay a lot of the country’s underlying dread without relying on a standoff. But that is exactly as far into politics as I am willing to wade today.

Question of the Day: What do you think about the ballistic shield idea? Would you happily chip in a fiver a month to just intercept the problem instead of relying on the promise of blowing up the world? Let me know in the comments.

Now, if you will excuse me, my heavy-but-wired state requires some immediate attention. It is officially Cheese O’clock. Must be the half dutchness.

Cameras, Cleaning, and a 16-Year-Old Footprint

Andy Young2 Comments
Mr bean

It’s been a week of high security, deep-seated vulnerability, and preparing the bunker for human interaction.

First up on the home security front: I have officially installed a second camera out the front window. I now have the front and back of the house covered. Am I tracking local wildlife, or am I just establishing a tactical perimeter to monitor approaching delivery drivers and avoid unnecessary human contact? A bit of both. Either way, seeing what’s happening outside gives me a subtle layer of safety, which is always welcome when the PTSD brain decides to trigger a multi-day vulnerability spiral. This way I can still see what’s going on out there. Local wildlife includes the odd roaming crackhead.

Speaking of human contact: my best friend is visiting today and staying the night. I haven’t seen him in two years. I’m genuinely excited, but my nervous system is currently celebrating by generating irrational panic. Standard procedure.

To prepare, my weekly cleaning carer has been floating around doing the heavy lifting—changing bedding, hoovering, and tackling the bins. She is worth her weight in gold. Her English is minimal, but her ability to execute a immaculate living room refresh while keeping my tea mug constantly topped up makes her an absolute hero. I still refuse to let anyone else clean my bathroom—that remains a strictly personal domain that I insist on controlling—but I will gladly accept a tactical assist in the lounge and kitchen.

Meanwhile, we are entering the dreaded three-month gauntlet of back-to-back birthdays culminating in Christmas. Every spare penny is already spoken for, particularly as Rebecca is turning 16. Sixteen years ago, when she was born, we had a silver bracelet made featuring a tiny cast of her newborn foot, and I’ve been holding onto it for this exact milestone. It’s spent the last decade and a half in storage, so I’ve ordered a new presentation box and a silver polishing kit to restore it. Assuming I don’t accidentally polish off the footprint entirely, I’ll be posting a before-and-after photo once it’s restored.

For now, the flat is looking fresh, the front camera is operational, and I’m hiding on the sofa until the doorbell rings.

The birthday

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On Friday I was due to collect the keys for the flat. They delayed it for a 4th time, now it’s 15/01. I must admit I wasn’t expecting to to be read. I think the same thing will happen in the new year. I’ve left a message with my housing officer to see if I can switch onto another property as this is really starting to grate. I’ve been in temporary accommodation since 17th August. Its 16th December. Ridiculous.

Today was B’s birthday. I got there for 8.30am so I wouldn’t miss the present opening. He was really happy with his monitors, keyboard and mouse and headphones. Fast forward 30mins. Screaming, banging and hitting his desk. This was because the monitor was 0.5cm off on the hight. It was ridiculous. Full on screaming fit. Took the new monitors off himi and installed the ones he replaced. He started slapping his face, hitting his legs and pulling his hair out. Sounds like adhd. He’s okay now, i think, D took them to an arcade place in Bury. All the arcade machines, one fee and you can play to your hearts content. If it wasn’t for my shit brain I would of gone.

I had a seizure yesterday which has really knocked me for 6, I woke up dizzy and unable to stand without the stick. As I was mostly sitting down at D’s it was easily managed till I fell in the bathroom. So now i have this thing where I worried to leave the room this I’m okay again. I can get to the garage next door if I speed shop and get back inside of 10 minutes. I *really* needed that flat to be ready. I can get carers to help again and things would be a bit easier.

happy b day balloon wall decors
Photo by Craig Adderley on Pexels.com

Seizures & FND = Double tag team

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Seizures. I had a seizure again. I lost two hours this time, so it was shorter than a full-blown one but longer than a small one. I’m starting to lose hope, a little bit every time one comes. It isn’t about banging or not banging my head off something; it’s the sheer randomness of the seizure that makes it debilitating. I worry about it, and that just makes it worse. Then it’s the resetting of the clock on when I can drive again. I need to go at least three months; I’ve gone two weeks for major ones. The five-second ones come and go.

Seizures that can’t be treated or prevented, really. Due to my EUPD, I generally handle emotions terribly as a rule, but due to the medication, I never really know how I’m feeling, so it kind of jumps on me and causes the brain implosions. I don’t like the seizure. Let’s call it FND attacks; it’s more accurate than seizures. I feel like one is coming on now. If I were to close my eyes, I would probably hit the deck.

And then..

In other amazing news, my carpal tunnel has come back in both hands, but the worst one is my left hand, oddly enough. The pinky is constantly numb, and the right hand is just a little bit better. Still numb, which makes typing all sorts of joy. I had surgery on both hands a few years ago, which was a success. They did the right hand first, so plus point, if you ever need to learn to use your left hand, get the right one done (opposite if you’re a lefty), and then you have to learn how to wipe your bum. It’s a life skill.

FND five-second one.

Sigh

Giving up soon.

Living in the motel isn’t doing me any favors anyway. But that’s just the way it has to be until the flat is sorted.

I maintain the giving up.

seizures and elvis
Photo by Ayşenaz Bilgin on Pexels.com

Daily writing prompt

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Daily writing prompt
What have you been putting off doing? Why?
View all responses

A blog post, simply because I have no idea where to start or what to type about. I quit blogging after my last post. I cancelled the payments, which then pulled my domain, and yeah. It wasn’t until I spoke to D about it that I realized that I enjoy blogging and that it is worth the expense of a business plan.

I spent some amazing time with the kids over the weekend. I watched a movie with B. Since it was Friday the 13th, we decided to watch a horror film called ‘Run’. It was nice being able to sit with him and watch it, even though he had to wear headphones due to my breathing. It was a special moment. On Saturday, I spent time with S, having conversations about random stuff, and later D came home. I stayed over from Friday to Saturday. I wish I could have stayed longer, genuinely. However, I was feeling worse by the minute. Given the high threat of COVID, I left on Saturday night and ended up sleeping through most of Sunday and until 12 PM this morning.

I’ll put on some music as I haven’t listened to much these past few days. I start to get moody, anxious, and generally scared if I don’t. It’s as if the tunes give me something to focus on. I also need to do some laundry. I overheard that they do it here for £5 per load, which is cheaper than the laundromat I’ve been going to.

Trying to find ways of focusing my time. I have so many things to do that I can’t start them. It’s like, where do I start? Then I end up in a panic, and nothing gets done. I need to order my life more but can’t because of the several other things that need doing. Then I can’t do those things, and I’m a mess. I’ve had this before a few times in the past, but I need to structure my day a bit better. Maybe put slots in a calendar and see how that goes?

So.

In summary, I have been putting off posting, but since I’ve done one, I can no longer answer the question.

oblong brown metal mailbox
Photo by sl wong on Pexels.com

And the lord said…

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Let there be light! a flat! And it was good.

Great news! After a fantastic month and a half at the motel, I have successfully secured a lovely flat. I am thrilled to share that I passed all the necessary checks with flying colors and even aced a phone interview. The flat is currently undergoing some lovely decoration work, and I will be able to move in as soon as it’s complete. The support I’ve received from the incredible charity has been nothing short of amazing. They’ve graciously provided me with brand new white goods, including a kettle, toaster, and microwave. Additionally, they’ve also supplied airbeds and sheets. With everything falling into place, I am hopeful and optimistic that by the end of next week, I’ll be happily settled in my new home. Wish me luck!

I’m also on a spiral. See, what I love about mental health problems is that you have bad days and good days. But no. Oh, no. We can’t possibly have good days, so the anxiety increases from a bad day to good news. Gut-wrenching, overwhelming anxiety ball in your stomach. Couldn’t just be happy with the news, could you, brain? My problem is I’ll get so overwhelmed with anxiety and emotion that I just don’t know what to do with it. The only vent I have really is self-harm. Can’t even do that as I’m wearing a T-shirt that I like and don’t want blood on it. It’s exhausting. I’ve had mental health on the phone, then my other charity was on the phone about the good news on white goods.

Brain, seroiusly. Stop.

Other stuff. Seeing the kids tomorrow as I’ll be babysitting, which is awesome. Haven’t seen them in a few days, so it will be nice. I’ll be lucky to get more than ten minutes out of them as they crawl into their pits or rooms, as they are formally known.

Here I go again.

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I can’t say that without singing the song with it heeeeeeeeere I gooo again on my owwwwwn. I haven’t been able to do a post in a while as a few things happened in between last Thursday and now, so you’ve had second-rate posts and qotd.

So last Thursday I had an appointment with a consultant (mental health) which was years overdue. I remember little of the meeting except I siesuered up at some point and then suddenly back in the room with a scared consultant. I managed to get back to the relative safety of “Das Motel”. Next thing I know I’m awake on the floor and my face is fucking killing. It transpires that I passed out, banged my head and then managed to carpet-burn my face on the course carpet. Then proceeded to have the most fucked up morning of my life.

One second I was on my knees looking for things to bring to D’s house. Then she phoned me. Then I started getting scared. Then D was in the hotel room and stood behind me asking questions. If I was going to be there yet. Next flash. I’m suddenly on the road, I’m near the motorway. I don’t need the motorway. Blackout. Next flash about 20 minutes down the motorway. WTF am I doing here? Blackout. Cars beeping horns. I slammed on the brakes a lot, and my chest was sore from the seat belt. Suddenly I’m at D’s house. Then a knock at the door with a police officer standing there. “A lot of worried people have been looking for you. You don’t have your medication or your phone”. Then I was just talking gibberish at this point. The officer took me back to the motel and left the car outside of D’s house. I refused to go to the hospital despite his protests as my head was pretty dinged up. Agree for an ambulance to check me over. He waited with me till he was called onto his next job. He told the food truck I was sitting next to, to keep an eye on me. Same with the reception staff so I don’t wander off somewhere dangerous.

The brain slowly destressing. Hands working. Text D back that I’m alive and I am thankful she called the police when she couldn’t get hold of me. So. This triggered a few things. 1. not allowed out for a while, 2. if I have a seizure I need to sit somewhere and not move. The following Monday I had an army of phone calls from different agencies. My main one called me and told me he had the police report and that I was driving around randomly on the motorway network. They were tracking me on the ANPR cameras all the way home. No action was taken but no license. The doctor phoned and we talked for a good 30 minutes going over things, he said he has to tell the driving agency that I can’t drive with my FND condition, they can’t take the risk of it happening again. It was a miracle in the first place that no one was hurt. He raised a good point, he asked “Do you even remember getting into the car?” and no, I don’t, which is scary.

So that’s that. I’m seeing the consultant again this Friday and he’s bringing a friend. This is awesome because it went so well stressing out about it last time that it triggered me. If I’m getting blackout vibes then I’m cancelling.

That is why I haven’t posted till now as I can’t remember a lot of the things that happened that night and day. The stuff I do remember is all disjointed and like a gap in my memory. Sure that’s going to bite me in the arse one day in a flashback.

I’ll ease myself back into blogging. Should help maintain routine which has got me through the past week. Today I woke up really dizzy and it’s not gone away. So I accepted today would be an off day where I do things that calm me down. Like looking at the trading card collection I’m mid-sorting out. Masterchef, music, lots and lots of music.

Hope you’ve all had a good weekend.


Photo by Kat Smith on Pexels.com

Memories

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Dear Mother…

[Verse 1]
Cross my heart and hope to die
You never cross my fucking mind
Do you know what your little lies do?
You know what I had to fight through
Nothing that you say is mildly true
Spit deceit through shifty smiles
Two faces you’ve had for a while
You act like such a fucking child

[Verse 2]
Who are you now? You’re so hostile to me
I’m feeling homicidal
You better run and try and hide
Ooh, I was livin’ in denial
Through all this time you had me riled up
All the shit has finally piled up
There’s no chance of reconciling us
With the falsehoods I’ve been filing away

[Verse 3]
For months, you’ve made these stories up
Sick from the untruths you’re throwing up
Had me thinkin’ I was crazy but
Turns out I’m your favorite thing to discuss
You keep on talking, shut it up
You keep rubbing salt into the cut
Broke the cycle, need to reconstruct
You’re no use to me, I’m giving up

…still effective 9 years later. Son.