Tag: bpd

Seizures & FND = Double tag team

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Seizures. I had a seizure again. I lost two hours this time, so it was shorter than a full-blown one but longer than a small one. I’m starting to lose hope, a little bit every time one comes. It isn’t about banging or not banging my head off something; it’s the sheer randomness of the seizure that makes it debilitating. I worry about it, and that just makes it worse. Then it’s the resetting of the clock on when I can drive again. I need to go at least three months; I’ve gone two weeks for major ones. The five-second ones come and go.

Seizures that can’t be treated or prevented, really. Due to my EUPD, I generally handle emotions terribly as a rule, but due to the medication, I never really know how I’m feeling, so it kind of jumps on me and causes the brain implosions. I don’t like the seizure. Let’s call it FND attacks; it’s more accurate than seizures. I feel like one is coming on now. If I were to close my eyes, I would probably hit the deck.

And then..

In other amazing news, my carpal tunnel has come back in both hands, but the worst one is my left hand, oddly enough. The pinky is constantly numb, and the right hand is just a little bit better. Still numb, which makes typing all sorts of joy. I had surgery on both hands a few years ago, which was a success. They did the right hand first, so plus point, if you ever need to learn to use your left hand, get the right one done (opposite if you’re a lefty), and then you have to learn how to wipe your bum. It’s a life skill.

FND five-second one.

Sigh

Giving up soon.

Living in the motel isn’t doing me any favors anyway. But that’s just the way it has to be until the flat is sorted.

I maintain the giving up.

seizures and elvis
Photo by Ayşenaz Bilgin on Pexels.com

Look, there! A braincell!

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Daily writing prompt
Which topics would you like to be more informed about?
View all responses

I suck at quite a few things. I try and inform myself about lots of thing and have an extensive library on most programming, dark arts, horrors etc. I’m a book nerd. But there are a few things that I need help with.

  1. Budgeting. What the hell is that evil stuff. As a lovely member of the bpd crowd, I have the ability to spend every single penny I own on one shiny object. Then do without until money is replenished. I’ve never really been good at this stuff so my mum up until 2014 helped me with it as I couldn’t control it for the life of me. Its unyielding burn on the soul that I dont have this object. Then D came along and took it from there because she is good at it. Now I’m on my own again, it’s trying to learn a new skill.
  2. Languages. I understand Dutch but I could get by. Half Dutch. Same with Welsh, French and Spanish. I would love to know one fluently, but I get deterred straightaway when people say you aren’t supposed to say it like that.
  3. Social Skills. How to function in society without having the need to take fist full of pills every day. It would be nice to wean off them and then see how a few things work. So in the absence of that I feel ill-informed to function in society.
  4. Writing lists.
  5. Understanding what informed means.
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

The big bad wolf vs The Black dog

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I did it. I managed to get up, have breakfast, two teas and a coffee and got dressed nicely for the consultant I saw at 9.30. Because they are building ( and god is a vengeful god) on the carparks the closest I could get was a 15-minute walk with a stick. I winched as every time I moved it felt like daggers. Got to K block to be told to go back outside loop around this building and be there. Looked a my watch. 9.20.Dammit Asked the guy to call the consultant’s office to know I’ll be five minutes late. Came out, a frikkin gradient and not in my favour! I stopped a few times but oh the feeling when you sit down is amazing. All your backbones melt away and you are hallucinating. I started getting anxious and angry with myself.

What if he won’t listen? what if he doesn’t know what he’s talking about? Little niggles popping me in the head. Finally, I was guided to yet another bad seat in what resembles a containment space. We made eye contact, well done, keep going. He confirmed some data with me, over twenty calls to the crisis team always make for great conversation. the fractured English was flowing. I then did what I didn’t want to happen. A goddam seizure. In the middle of a mental health assessment. I tried to deal with it as best as I could. I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands. I slowly started saying no repeatedly and just as all the periphery started turning black. I felt the fud of a hand on my shoulder, The doctor was asking what he needed to do, can he get me water, and things like that. 5 minutes and it was over. I blacked out but any for a few moments. My eyes were flickering in the back of my head but yeah that was too real.

Now this poor poor doctor, all of 25-29 years old had no clue what the hell he’d just seen. I just simply said, “Remember when you asked about FND? That’s some of the messed up stuff it makes me do, it is real and a very scary prospect. So we carried on talking about things, he loves fishing as well but hasn’t had the chance yet as he has only been in the UK for 9 months. We walked through the meds and I explained what is for what. We chatted about other stuff but didn’t realise the time when it got to nearly 11 am from 9.30 am. Which is odd as usually, it’s okay we will increase x and discharge. I’m pushing for an A.D.D diagnosis to go along with BPD, PTSD etc. Simply to be able to access resources faster. That, as I said, is a deal breaker. If they feel I have theN I can start lowering three-quarters of my meds and just survive on either a single pill from them.
He said he’d call me on Friday after he’d spoken to his colleagues. Will be interesting. He suggested an anti-epileptic tablet but explained it isn’t like that.

So. I went out, I got to my appointment, I attended and engaged. I hid back in the car but then went straight to Doti’s house and sorted the dogs out. Ended up sleeping on the sofa for an hour and then got on with my charity homework. Then went shopping at Asda and succeeded!

In agony now and should probably rest tomorrow. See how the legs are.

Personal torment, mental health by Library of Congress is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”

Andy Young2 Comments

So, which is it? Are we alone in the universe, or are we not? Both possibilities are equally terrifying.

Always loved this quote. Something about it just resonates in my head. I look forward to the day, probably my son’s generation, when they will hear a bloop on a satellite somewhere indicating an intelligent signal. It’s simply not possible to believe in a world other than our own in the vast expanse of the Universe. I think my generation will be long gone before that happens. Nice to think it wouldn’t. Like flying cars. We were promised flying cars by now and that hasn’t happened so there is not much hope for us!

My BPD is playing up today. I had lots of plans and little plans to accomplish but I couldn’t seem to get my feet off the ground to do it. I’ve managed to have an existential crisis, tidy the lounge & kitchen, take delivery & put away all the food shopping and that’s where it ends. It’s not a case of sitting on the sofa power scrolling my way through FB but a gentle sob with a tear in my eye trying to stop thinking.

This is a dangerous area for me. When this starts to happen I need to catch it fast, trap it, and then deep space launch it to the sun. Stopping thinking, personally, is the hardest part of this condition. You just simply cannot shut the voices up. I’m trying the counting method which I explained before but it’s like there are levels in my head where I think of different things. I count, then I hear a voice whilst still counting so I start a new count at the opposite pace of the first count and then another voice and I get THE biggest headache trying to cover that with this and so on. It’s led me to a dark place where I want to just crack open a few pills, rum, lots of rum, and numb everything. I know I’m supposed to take valium when this happens but I hate the stuff because I need a large dose which causes a hangover the next day.

I just need to take my mind off things for a while. But this happened five days ago. I hate the rapid cycles. It’ll probably be mostly gone by the evening and I’ll be back to my cheery self. But what if it’s not? so the cycle continues.

So, the plan for today will be to take the dogs on their afternoon walk, get dog food for them on the way to get the kids, get the kids, and then slink back into the darkness and safety of the house. How about you guys, many wild plans for today?

Baileys out of a shoe

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That is two dogs now. Both were rescued from Poland and are now being fussed over and played with constantly. That’s me on the left as well. Dobby, the lovely hound on the left has just joined us. She is doing well apart from terrorizing the cat, but Bella now has a sanctuary upstairs.

Things are plodding along at the moment. I ran out of medication on Friday for a chronic pain condition and didn’t get any medication till mid-morning on Monday. The withdrawal effects were real and terrible. I’m p pretty sure it’s what triggered the mental health issues I’ve been having all weekend and, well, up until now. They are still there. Racing and intrusive thoughts. I’d read up on a mindfulness-type method of trying to distract yourself via counting objects.

So far so good with that one. You just pick something that you are going to count and you count away! I’ve found it takes a lot out of me after a while though. Having to focus on that then all of a sudden you can hear two thoughts at once so you double down your efforts and end up with a screaming headache at the end of it.

I managed to do violent sobbing yesterday morning, which is a new one for me. I’ve done angry crying but this was the next level. The dogs were confused but started licking me so I guess they wanted me to stop. In a nutshell, I was getting very frustrated with a relatively newly diagnosed chronic pain problem that I have to live with for life and it was the first time I realized the effect it has on me, my wife, and the kids. Well. Pretty much anyone in my life. Trying to think about what the future will be like and what I can do to make things better. The problem with that is looking at the future and realizing the burden you’ve become and that you don’t want to be that.

I’ve been playing with the latest chatbot over the past few days. Throwing different things at it to see what the response is. Namely, about Ukraine and what the global consensus is. Trying to stretch it but yeah, it’s been fun. Then I started asking questions about brass pipework and how much force is needed to blow the pipe apart, then electrical fuses and fireworks. It was at this point I realized I should stop trying to get chatbot weaponized or producing munitions. All fun and games!

Hope everyone has been well and hopefully will post more often as I get the chance 🙂 All the above to one side, I am functioning, I am working and I am living.

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): My Journey to Recovery

Andy Young5 Comments

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) are both mental health conditions that have significantly impacted my life. BPD is characterized by intense and unstable emotions, impulsive behavior, and a distorted sense of self, while PTSD is a condition that can develop after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event. In this post, I will share my personal experiences with BPD and PTSD, and how they affect my daily life.

Living with BPD and PTSD can be challenging. I experience intense mood swings, from feeling happy and energized one moment to feeling overwhelmed and depressed the next. I struggle with impulsivity and often engage in risky behaviors, such as substance abuse, self-harm, and impulsive spending. The intrusive thoughts and flashbacks that come with PTSD can be terrifying and cause me to feel disconnected from the present moment.

One of the most challenging aspects of my mental health conditions is the hallucinations. I sometimes see or hear things that aren’t really there, and it can be difficult to distinguish reality from my imagination. I also experience night terrors, which are like nightmares but feel more vivid and realistic. They can be triggered by memories of traumatic events, and they often leave me feeling exhausted and on edge.

Another symptom I experience is dementia-like forgetfulness. It’s like my memory has been wiped clean, and I struggle to remember basic information like my address or phone number. This can be frustrating and embarrassing, especially when I’m in public or trying to have a conversation with someone.

To cope with these challenges, I take medication prescribed by my psychiatrist. The medication has helped me manage my symptoms and lead a more fulfilling life. I also practice mindfulness and self-care techniques, such as yoga, meditation, and spending time in nature. These practices have helped me stay grounded and centered, even during the most difficult times.

It hasn’t been easy, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m turning 40 this year, which seems surreal to me, given how much I’ve been through, and what my body has been through. I’m grateful to have made it this far, and I’m determined to continue on the path to recovery.

Living with BPD and PTSD has taught me a lot about myself and the world around me. I’ve learned that mental illness is not a weakness, but a part of the human experience. I’ve also learned that recovery is possible, and that there is hope for a brighter future. If you’re struggling with BPD, PTSD, or any other mental health condition, know that you’re not alone. Reach out for help, talk to a trusted friend, and take care of yourself. You’re stronger than you think, and you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Thats all she wrote.

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So. I think I’ve come to the point where I have concluded that I’m done. Done with life and existing. I’m just tired, so so tired of being ill, being a bother and a hassle to everyone.

I dont have a date in mind. I just feel ready. Ready for when that moment comes and I’m okay with that. I’m not angry. I’m not upset. I’m not manic. I’m just tired.

So. Thanks for the memories.

21st Century Breakdown

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Hello.

Twenty-first century breakdown
I once was lost but never was found
I think, I am losing what’s left of my mind
To the twentieth century deadline

So. I can’t keep staring at the blank screen so I’ll just see how it goes. Firstly, the meme to the left is aimed more at me than anyone else. No one really bothers me much these days. To much negativity to be dragging around. I suppose of the “features” of the condition is the ability to split and completely without a second thought to it, cut someone out of your life as if they never existed. You can’t always determine who the split will be. If its random then you have no control on the time it lasts. I can split for minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. It just totally depends what “he” decides.

I haven’t split unintentionally for a while now has been good. I’m sort of splitting from myself in a way. I really really hate myself so of course it makes a logical reason to feel that way with myself.

I’m aware you can’t split from yourself no more than can you walk through a wall. But, maybe, in psuedo thinking you could technically split from a personality thats trapped inside you. Or would that be giving up the battle? What if I just said “F*ck it” and be done with it. Accept the person that I’m supposed to be, stop the meds, lose control and let “him” be in charge. Its what he wants any way.

But alas I cannot give in. He knows how to hurt me. He shows me things I don’t want to see. Memories that I dont want to relive when I don’t behave. He knows the ultimate way of putting me down. My FP (favourite person) B. He knows that if he flashes an image of him whilst showing me the memories of sexual abuse when I was in my teenage years. He knows itll break me. Stop me dead in my tracks and throw me off and triggered for an unknown length of time.

See. You don’t get to choose your FP. Its a weird attachment thing that people with certain disorders have where you link or bond with someone and that person, good or bad, becomes the centre of your world. You would do anything to protect them and you would kill them by your own hand rather than expose them to hard. Its extreme. Its both fiery hot and freezing cold. You world crashes down should you think they think a bad thought about you. If it isnt perfect, if it isn’t amazing then you are welcomed with severe stomach piercing feelings. You pray, you beg, you cry out that you didn’t mean to upset them even though its only a tone of voice that you hear. That is slightly off, even if it isn’t there you find it.

Its exhaustive. Realistically, B has saved my life many a time. The simple imaginary look on his face when he hears I have died has silenced many attempts and hospital admissions. Thats not the problem though. I have that, its my safe guard. But the real crux of the problem? control. I can’t lose control, ever. If I let my guard down for a second, the other one moves in. I see flashes of the things he is doing. A creepy smile spreading on my face that I cannot stop.

Addiction. Not ideal when you want to lose control and escape for a few hours. I can’t abuse drugs any more. Well thats true and not true. I can sedate myself with prescribed meds and chill out for a few hours without losing control and so long as I don’t do it for days on end. I havent injected since 2012 which near year will be a ten year victory. I used to be addicted to Ampthetamine.

Not my most glamrous part of my life shooting up to deal with the world, to go to work, to behave, to stay awake. B was born in 2011. So the added pressures were used, for lack of a better word, excuses to abuse the hell out of my body. Those drugs made me lose control several times leading to social services intervention and a whole fun host of other things including the police.

That ten year victory sounds good now having just typed that.

I don’t think I’m at risk right now to be injecting. I’m just babbling about things that can cause the lack of control to occur, to free my other me.

Control. Got to walk the line. Which is incredibly thin sometimes.

Meme & memories

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I recently downloaded all the photos that Google had stored under my account. I keep looking through them, they’ve broken them up into years so it’s interesting time traveling. Today I focussed on the memes. I don’t know why but the cat to the left of this always ALWAYS makes me smile. Its a photo that you can hear saying “What?!” in your head. Then again. Maybe that’s just me and my crazyness. Who wants to be normal anyways!

So I’m back on Spotify again. Although keeping it clean as the kids are home and its weekend. Well clean-ish. I dont approve of my kids swearing but when it comes to music I let them have musical expression. So they can listen to songs with explicit lyrics because sometimes you need them to express a feeling or emotion. Not saying I’ll let them listen to “So what” by Metallica but there run of the mill music is fine.

I’m not sure if its part of the mental health problems that amplify my total and utter hatred of people chewing with mouths open. It drives me insane. I will just randomly walk out of the room so I don’t say something I’ll regret. But seriously? is it that hard to close your mouth?! I think its with most things. I always hated people who chewed gum because of the noise. Thats a weird one. Memories of being 14 and explaining to one of my friends that just because you chew gum it doesnt mean you can’t close your mouth whilst doing it. The kid said “But thats how you chew gum”. He became an ex friend at that point. Shallow and an over reaction. I’m well aware of that.

In retrospect, I’ve done many a petty, over reactive reactions towards differing things. Its not a trait I love about myself

This meme always made me chuckle. My wife is roman catholic, as are the kids. I’m still the outsider. I’ll go with them to church for moral support but I don’t do the kneeling and things. Its important to my wife so I’m supportive of it. B has his holy communion coming up. He has always been “into church stuff” which is great, so he takes it seriously. Well. To a degree. I think he like the story but doesn’t quite follow the rules. Anyways, looking forward to that event next month. We are having a big party in the garden with a few friends coming over. I would say family but I’ve ran out of relatives in this country, the rest are in Holland.

Back to the meme. It actually made me think when did I first figure out where and how babies came from. I honestly for the life of me don’t remember. I have a few gaps in my memory, for example my earliest memories don’t start till I’m like 8 years old and even then they are really vague. One of my first memories being my brother putting heat cream (the cream you put on a muscle and it warms it up) on the toilet seat followed by my screaming after visiting said toilet. Or the time he decided to pee in my glass which had apple juice in and I took a huge gulp. He was lovely.

I had to cancel my therapy this week. I feel bad for that because I’m supposed to stick to it but I’ve been avoiding talking again which I really need to learn not to do. I’ve had a bit of a hard week mentally. I had some really bad ptsd dreams the other night and thats triggered me a bit. Nothing exciting. Just the abuse back from when I was 13. I hate having the dreams. Reliving the same shit over and over again. Part of me thinks I should report them to the police and maybe that’ll give me closure. The other side of me doesn’t want the stress and let it be. Its been along time. Its still something I haven’t fully confronted. I have a had therapy centred around it but it go too intense so I had to back off a bit from it.

Didn’t mean to bum anyone out with that last paragraph. Have an awesome weekend x