Tag: disability

The big bad wolf vs The Black dog

Andy YoungLeave a comment

I did it. I managed to get up, have breakfast, two teas and a coffee and got dressed nicely for the consultant I saw at 9.30. Because they are building ( and god is a vengeful god) on the carparks the closest I could get was a 15-minute walk with a stick. I winched as every time I moved it felt like daggers. Got to K block to be told to go back outside loop around this building and be there. Looked a my watch. 9.20.Dammit Asked the guy to call the consultant’s office to know I’ll be five minutes late. Came out, a frikkin gradient and not in my favour! I stopped a few times but oh the feeling when you sit down is amazing. All your backbones melt away and you are hallucinating. I started getting anxious and angry with myself.

What if he won’t listen? what if he doesn’t know what he’s talking about? Little niggles popping me in the head. Finally, I was guided to yet another bad seat in what resembles a containment space. We made eye contact, well done, keep going. He confirmed some data with me, over twenty calls to the crisis team always make for great conversation. the fractured English was flowing. I then did what I didn’t want to happen. A goddam seizure. In the middle of a mental health assessment. I tried to deal with it as best as I could. I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands. I slowly started saying no repeatedly and just as all the periphery started turning black. I felt the fud of a hand on my shoulder, The doctor was asking what he needed to do, can he get me water, and things like that. 5 minutes and it was over. I blacked out but any for a few moments. My eyes were flickering in the back of my head but yeah that was too real.

Now this poor poor doctor, all of 25-29 years old had no clue what the hell he’d just seen. I just simply said, “Remember when you asked about FND? That’s some of the messed up stuff it makes me do, it is real and a very scary prospect. So we carried on talking about things, he loves fishing as well but hasn’t had the chance yet as he has only been in the UK for 9 months. We walked through the meds and I explained what is for what. We chatted about other stuff but didn’t realise the time when it got to nearly 11 am from 9.30 am. Which is odd as usually, it’s okay we will increase x and discharge. I’m pushing for an A.D.D diagnosis to go along with BPD, PTSD etc. Simply to be able to access resources faster. That, as I said, is a deal breaker. If they feel I have theN I can start lowering three-quarters of my meds and just survive on either a single pill from them.
He said he’d call me on Friday after he’d spoken to his colleagues. Will be interesting. He suggested an anti-epileptic tablet but explained it isn’t like that.

So. I went out, I got to my appointment, I attended and engaged. I hid back in the car but then went straight to Doti’s house and sorted the dogs out. Ended up sleeping on the sofa for an hour and then got on with my charity homework. Then went shopping at Asda and succeeded!

In agony now and should probably rest tomorrow. See how the legs are.

Personal torment, mental health by Library of Congress is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

No man’s land

Andy Young1 Comment

I’m trapped in this do a post or don’t do a post, like trench warfare neither side is winning Nightime meds dropping from the sky lulling me to sleep. It’s 22.45 here. Not late but not early either. I have an aching need to have a drive but where too is beyond me. Think that loops back to the previous post and not remembering what I need to do.

I had some news from the housing officer today, due to concerns about my mental deterioration and increasing self-harm they have removed me from the family unit and put me in a motel. Its style is a 1960s prison with a dash of refugee center. Which is a polite way of saying its fucking awful. I managed to swipe some bags of tea and coffee to amuse myself but sadly I’m on the last sachet now. I can hear people shouting down the hall, crying coming from outside, and a very not-nice atmosphere. That said, the tablet (not the medicinal kind) and typing are making things better. The door has a bolt on it so will be safe tonight.

I guess D is right. I did bring things on myself. Becoming disabled does that. That must be why so few people voluntarily become disabled o.0

I won’t go into more details as to who did what and who didn’t do what because I don’t want to be petty so all I’ll say on the matter is I’m safe, I’m driving back tomorrow at 9am for the day, then presume I’m coming back here at 10pm. Makes sense, I have my own space then for nighttime. Better than a sofa. Apparently, I’m not stable to be around the kids so have to leave at 3.30pm. Amazing. Just plain amazing. And now if I self-harm because of being told that? then I become unstable. And you have yet to ever see me truly unstable.

Why does my brain do this?

Andy YoungLeave a comment

I’m angry. Frustrated and demotivated to the point of throwing in the towel. Not with my day to day life but my work life.

I overheard a group of people at the job centre say “He can’t be that bad if he’s self-employed” amongst other things which are on my records. I was sat on the chairs and they were huddled around a computer. “It says here that” and “Oh we will have to question that” and a few other things. I thought they were talking about someone else till they said my name.

It shouldn’t effect me but it does. I work hard to not be my mental illness, have a normal life not locked away somewhere and this just feels like undermining everything that I am doing. Its taken a decade to get to this point. If we turned the clocks back 10 years it would be a very different story. I couldn’t think straight, I went off the rails with everything and it was one big mess. If I didn’t have D and then kids by my side I wouldn’t be the person I am today. They stood by me every time I messed up and they understood mostly what was going on. We have had to make massive changes in both living and attitudes to be at the point where I can run this new community interest project. I just didn’t need someone dumping on me whilst I wasn’t happy to be there in the first place.

I work 16 hours running a community interest project. I break even most months and everything is declared to job centre people so everything is legit and by the book. I can’t press myself to do it full time as I’m not ready for that, its hard work as it is getting motivated and focussed. They hinted that I might have to apply for real work and I tried to explain that I work 16 hours rather than being sat on benifits twiddling my thumbs. The doctors and consultants say I shouldn’t be working but I can’t do that anymore. So a year ago I started this. And its survived. I’m sure everything will come crashing down when they make all these new changes and then I’ll be forced between keeping my sanity and a full time job. The last job I applied for and got fired me before I started due to my disability. So yeah. That’ll be a barel of laughs.

Today I’m at the office working away fixing things. Wish there was air con or something as it gets very hot in here. Especially when there are more than one of you. B is at the sports club whilst S is with her dad down south for a week. D is having a “me day” which she truly deserves.

Might try and escape early. Depends on if I can get my head to think straight again.

We all went to Wales on Sunday, well me, D and B. We took his bike and we went to Colwyn Bay. Where we used to live, well, near it. It was nice because we got there a bit late in the day so all the tourists had left. We even managed to bag a table at an outdoor cafe for munchies. B decided to give us a heart attack by cycling a mile away without telling us. We thought he headed back to the car as agreed but alas he went right instead of left. Minutes away from calling the police. But glad he came back before that became a thing.

We stopped at the house where my dad used to live. They have totally changed how it looks and it looks amazing! I was sad to see it again because of the memories but I’m so happy that someone has taken it, fixed it up and then built extensions, new roof and all sorts. Hopefully mum and dad are smiling, where ever they might be.