SO I havent resorted to drinking yet which is always a plus. I had another wobble. These past few months have been relentless with them. I know I’m supposed to realise that wobbles happen, you execute the care plan and then it stops before flairing up again. Some days great, other days irrational thoughts overload! Medication plays 10% but then the rest is up to you to work through. Which in all fairness I am actually trying to do.
An example being, I have developed this amazing problem wehrein I can’t leave the house unattended or only if I know people won’t see me. I get heart palpatations from just looking outside. I think people are talking about me, pointing and I can hear them shout things. My brain being somewhat trained realises this is a chemical imbalance of some sort. I feel the fear no less stronger knowing that by the way. Hence why I call it irrational. My plan of attack is Promazine. A rapid acting anti-psychotic which complements the others that I’m on. I take a spoonfull and sit for 15 mins while it kicks in. I then look out of the window again. Everything is blurry but some how its a bit safer now. I can walk around the block with the dog, keeping my eyes and gaze down, its ok. I have to push myself to do it but thats the working through your problems part. I manage the first 5 minutes by doing it one minute at a time. If I get to a point where the next minute is impossible, I turn around and walk back.
Its been 2-3 months of this now and its getting rather annoying. The fact that I cannot control my emotions or to a certain degree, my thought patterns, is really frustrating. I KNOW people arent talking about me. But trust me, they are! I don’t want to go out there because people will follow me and shout abuse as they walk past. The feeling of dread now consuming my stomach. I mean honestly. Can’t even control an emotion even when faced with overwhelming evidence that you should be feeling something else. No control. Mental.
And that just triggered me. FML.
I’ve got an appointment for assessment on Friday morning with the specialist again. I’m dreading it. Its at the hospital.
This is a weird one for me. I cry. A lot. But not over sad stuff, sad stuff you would expect tears a plenty but no. I think its to do with my emotional irregulation. I can watch a movie. For agruments sake, “Armageddon”, I cried so much during the scene where Harry called his daugthers boyfriend “Son”. BUT funerals or expected events in which you would usually shed a tear? they just don’t happen for me.
Son running up to me saying he loves me or I start thinking about him, my wife and strong memories and yeah I cry. Hard. You sort of get this ” Why can you just cry” going on in your head and its just blah, nothing happens but the moment its something family related and I’m wondering why I can’t control it.
I think its good to cry. Healthy. To get to that emotional state of out pouring and it is a relief in a lot of ways being able to do that. Of course all the judgement comes with it but still a vital human trait I find.
How about you? can you cry at will? or maybe not at all? do you wish you could?
I discovered that you can mass download all the photos you have saved with Google Photos. 129k photos. I kid you not! Found this gem of a photo which shows probably my first mobile phone back at the end of high school. Only fitting that its taken in the pub, where I was getting drunk aged 16. Ahh the memories 🙂
I’ve been casually looking through the photos all day. Some great memories, some truly horrific but I think its important to recognise both at the same time. Hide as I might from my past, it always comes back to you. I suppose thats what the medication is for, so I dont remember too much.
I’ve not been well the past few days. Mentally I’m struggling and now I’m getting physical symptoms as well. My stomach in knots, the other me trying to take over and burst out. Its like walking through cement again. I only just got over my last bump and now another one? so soon? I hate this. The way it makes me feel. The thoughts it makes me have and the pain I put through others by not being available.
I had my thearapy yesterday which I was dreading. Turned out to be super useful in the end as he gave me a few more things for my skills toolbox to use when things are getting bad. He also asked if I needed hospitalisation but I couldnt and wont put the burden onto the hospitals. They are busy enough with covid. I’ll get through it. Just wish I knew how to get rid of the physical feelings because its bursting at the seams. All I can do is sit and wait for it to pass. Act normal and keep going. Despite what the other one wants me to do.
Enough of that.
Watched the last episode of friends just now. I never got round to watching the last series so I’ve been watching it on and off with D this and last month. It ended. I wasn’t sad but thats because I was expecting it. D was in tears. I just kept thinking about the reunion episode and how much crap 4 of them had injected into there faces. Joey was the clear winner. Weight gain is natural. Botox is not.
Tomorrow is weekend. I promised B to take him swimming and then a visit to the museum while D goes to work. Looking forward to that. Proper daddy-son day. Hell. Might take him fishing on Sunday too, if I can find a new shelter tent to buy!
Am sure that one day the monster raving looney party, or green party, which ever wins first, will actually win. Sit there and the country probably will end up a better place. Anyways. All parties are bad as each other, all after making as much money as they can for themselves. Think the idea of a civil servent working for the people is just laughable.
Bring on V. The country needs a good clear out. Saying that, good intentions always sour!
Had a good day off today. We went to the cinema this morning in a bid to avoid the queues, it failed as Night at the museum 2 was really bad. Such a great movie though. Just for the bits with 'The thinker' chatting up another statue or the cherubs on the fountain singing. Was such an awe moment at the end as well. Was so cute though. In one of the scenes Amelia Airheart kisses the lead, Larry, and a kid in the audience went 'Ewwwww' really loudly. Was very sweet.
Oasis are playing in the park next door. Can't hear them which is a shame but haven't heard this many sirens since the Rangers invasion. Anyways, hope you all had a lovely day! Oh and thanks for the postcard Owen.
Hey Hey. The weather the past few days has is absolutley awesome and I even have some sun burn to prove this as well which, in usual circumstances, is bad but this time good! So summer is almost here which is good, and whats more I had a five day weekend with said awesome sun!