Tag: coping mechanisms

Various Artists

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So, it’s been a while since I posted anything. Sorry about that. I had to take a few days to clear my headspace, which has worked wonders I must say. That was sarcastic, I did nothing apart from be suicidal. I reached out for help and got some. I had a seizure this morning. It only lasted a few minutes, but my central nervous system is playing hell today. Just constant jerks of the hands. Which I must say while holding a cup of tea, my laptop feared for its life. Such an annoying after effect. I ended up sitting on my right hand as that was the culprit. Could still feel it twinging but it’s okay now. I would love to know how this all started. That something can just ‘go wrong’ and that’s it your landed with a thing, disorder whatever and that’s your life now. You must learn the triggers. Thank god in a way that I was already messed up with BPD, so I knew the basics of identifying a trigger or even knowing what one was, otherwise I’d be totally lost.

It’s annoying that I have both things though. If I’m not suicidal, self-harming or emotionally available, then I’m passing out, zoning out and have seizures. To have them both in the same 24-hour period is difficult for. I’m sure everyone else out there can cope, but I’m struggling. I know that in a matter of weeks I will be in my dream house when they finish the electrics and that I’ll be very happy there. At the same time, I also realise that it’s going to be same shit different day and that I will still need to prepare for it happening. Therefore, living with it seems the only logical explanation so I’ll do some more research. Bard (google AI) has taken a beating the past two days with suicidal ideation. It detects it from the questions you are asking, so it includes a prewritten response of go and seek help, here are some phone numbers. But if you phrase things differently you can some seriously messed up stats and information out of it. I’m not going to post on here what I’ve been searching for. I wouldn’t like to be the one who throws you down the rabbit hole.

Nice to see that not content with one war, let’s start another in the middle east. Guessing here in the UK, we have spread ourselves thin with ammunition so we can’t follow blindness the US and donate to the cause. I don’t really do politics, sides, and general argumentative statements on here. Simply because I was just love people stop killing each other. Theres big business involved in killing so it’s not something that can be stopped. I often think of the world, how would I judge the human race. If anyone from a different angle saw the earth, would they judge all of us as a blood thirsty species? Or many we get lucky, and they look at a nice suburb somewhere with a nice fence around, a gated community. Anyways, enough of that before I get dragged into an argument. I’m in the pro-USA & special relationship that we have with them camp.

I was up at 3am this morning as I just rage-quit life at 8pm thinking ‘Fuck it, today can just stop’. It was nice being up so early music blaring on the headphones, but the one annoyance is that I can’t boil the kettle to make a cup of tea. This for us brits is a crazy situation, so I sat there waiting till 7am before I could use the kettle to not wake or anger the general population in the motel (the walls are very thin. Talking two slabs of plaster board sealed together to separate the rooms. Remember advert years ago, it was Nike or something or other where they could run through the walls of a building. Pretty much this place.

Frikkin seizures’ because I have a strategic meeting, whatever that is, with all my support people across all agencies meeting at once to discuss me and how my case is doing. Peter, one of the social workers explained that its nothing to worry about, that I don’t have to attend if I didn’t want to, we agreed yesterday that I’ll join through teams and do it that way. He also said I can leave at any time too. It’s at 3pm and will last an hour. I’m nervous about it, especially with everyone joining in. I think the only thing that I can ask for is some support with care, staying here for another few weeks and that’s about it really. I know my psychotherapy will start soon which is great that they’ve FINALLY done something about it.

I’ll go and pace the room till 3pm.

The Volga River flows into the Caspian Sea
The Volga River flows into the Caspian Sea by NASA Johnson is licensed under CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0

Its far to hot to have tea

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The bright white screen glare was giving me a suntan, so I’ve moved over to outlook to type this as it has a dark feature. I’m boiling. I hate the heat. I know its hot when my anti-sweat pills from the doctors don’t work. Taken a double dose so hopefully that will do the trick. Feeling sick. I think the kimchi tub I had for dinner is trying to escape its nice warm bed in my stomach, which is lovely I must say. Anyway.

Today was a mixed bag. I woke up early and called the mental health team to arrange an appointment with the consultant, so that’s sorted for next Monday. I got all my clothed ready to be washed. Social worker number 1 called to see how things are going, met with social worker number 2 and on Wednesday I’m hosting a meeting with social worker number 3. They’ve also extended my stay here for another week. Sort of happy, sort of sad. I have stability for a week but its frustrating that a property hasn’t been found yet. Hopefully soon.

My CPN and social worker number 3 want to come along to see the consultant with me which is nice. I explained that I’m scared I’ll just say everything is okay when its not. I’m not suicidal again yet which is good, but my voices and hallucinations have made a comeback. Also, that weird waking dream thing keeps happening. Lost in thought. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll call the crisis line and bore them with the details it’s been a few weeks since I phoned them now, I have a CPN to moan to.

Doti asked me to come over and check in on the kids after my meeting today. It was nice Suzi came down and gave me a hug. I bought them sandwiches and sausage rolls. Drinks and treats that they probably wont like, which is fine because I’ll be there tomorrow from 9am. Ben starts his school tomorrow. Think I’m more nervous than he is. He needs to get to the bus stop, jump on till end of the line and then finish with a long walk to the high school. He has all the bus details printed out and laminated. He’s got his phone so if he gets stuck or lost I can track him down and collect him. Suzi is going back on Wednesday, so I’ll have some company apart from the dogs. I ordered some clothes as a treat which should be arriving tomorrow and a back brace.

I looked around online to find a solution to my weak back and people were raving about how good a back brace is. So opted for one of the more expensive ones in the hopes that it will make walking a bit easier. Or if I can stand longer. Standing seems to be the main issue. I can walk, get to the shop, pain starts, get my shopping, rest at the counter while the nice people pack my stuff, get back to the motel room and omg chair I love you feelings when I sit down. Within a minute, less than a minute, the pain goes and I’m happy again. If the back brace helps me last just a couple of minutes longer, I will be happy. Otherwise, it goes back to amazon.

I’ll try and lay down and see if the sweating stops or I magically cool down. Night folks.

QOTD

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Daily writing prompt
Tell us about the last thing you got excited about.
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My bestie coming over from Sheffield to meet me in Machester city centre.


I booked a hotel for us. Reasonably priced at £100 a night but you have a checkout time of 12 the next day. Planning to get hammered with him and have a night of talking, catching up, some good food and a wander around town to see the old places we used to go. I wanted to stop at a sushi restaurant but wasn’t sure if he would like it. We went to one for his birthday a long time ago. 2012? See that number in my head means nothing, it was like it was yesterday not a decade ago. then go to ye old pub and sit and talk to the small hours, climb into bed and have a lay in till 11 am. Then get some brunch from Wetherspoons before walking him back to the train station and hugging him goodbye.


He messaged that he was ill and couldn’t make it.

I’m trying to silence my mind on this.

Half of me is screaming “Ha this is what you deserve, you can’t have friends” Then the other half is “OMG is he okay? He has a gut problem”. So depends on which way I look at it. Friends running away from me because I’m a dickhead and a loser. Living in a fucking motel not knowing what’s going to happen next, two frikkin seizures I’ve not told anyone about. Pathetic. A pathetic piece of shit who does nothing but burden people and make it about you. You fucking loser. Do it. You’ve got the pills.


Then of course the logical side says thank god he’s okay and it’s nothing serious. We can meet up again another time, it isn’t a problem. I got the money back from the hotel so no loss. Hopefully, he hasn’t bought his train tickets yet. But you can get a refund on those too. If he’s not up to it, it’s not his fault that his body is being lame.


Oh, mental health. Starting to love you as much as physical help.


Two seizures. Two sets of bumps on my forehead, One biten tongue.


Piss take.

Wow this QOTD went dark fast. I’m not going to kill myself I’m capable of telling my brain to stop and have coping mechanisms in place for when this kind of thing happens.

Blue Bear

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The cooling stand that I bought for the beast of a laptop came today. At
least I think it was today, yes, definitely today. I ordered a mouse to go with
it as well which makes a big difference. So it’s all good now, I can play my
games, have more than one tab open and generally not start a fire in the motel
room. That would be bad. The smoke detector has already been taped so I can
vape at ease in here otherwise I would go mad. The cooling stand is pretty cool
(get the JK there) as it has six fans and LEDs in them. So it looks like something
from a hacker movie in the 90s. All about the stereotypes. I’m having fun with
the fan controls. Make it sound like a plane engine or quiet as a whisper.
Since I listen to music all the time here, the plane engine is. Things here at
the motel are still a bit rough and scary at times. Lots of screaming and
shouting from the room to my left; a young girl and her mum don’t seem to get
along very well although that’s just based on the shouting and crying. To my
right I have the drunk who snores, coughs up flem constantly and can hear
stumbling about. Today they (other people) were trying to get into people’s rooms,
obviously drunk, as they used their keys thinking they had this magical power
to open any door- a skeleton key. Then they would bang on the door in
frustration. They did it to mine. I have this secure lock from Amazon which
when combined with the lock makes it impossible to unlock from the outside.
Well. Unless they kick the door down or do a ‘Heres Johnny’ skit. I sleep
better with it on and having music on helps. Although now the fans are on it
drowns them out as well.

Proud of myself today. After a wobble this morning from Ben. He started
having the misophonia thing again, where he’s super alert to any noises, which
invoke his fight or flight response and goes ape. He starts kicking his door
really hard and screaming out the window. I was with the dogs downstairs and
they went batshit crazy. I shouted up at Ben, then had to text D to calm him
down as he triggered my FND and I started drooling like an idiot and not being
able to type on my phone. He left the house for fresh air, and he came back an
hour later (he did check in on WhatsApp that he went to the shop with some
money he ‘found’) all calm and his usual self. I was still a bit of a mess.
Then D’s mum and boyfriend came in without D and they don’t speak English. Got
a hug from them both. Ben came down and had hugs too. Then they sprang into
action, picking up dog poo, tidying and started mowing the back. All in like 5
minutes of arriving. I in my lovely lameness just sat down awkwardly as they were
doing jobs I should be doing but I can’t do any more. D came back and I left. I
resisted the urge to go to Asda and pick up alcohol. It was tempting but I
resisted. Not going to be that guy. So that’s why I’m proud of myself today.

This is a good one. My brother, the slag, phoned me and we spoke for 45
minutes about lots of different things that for reasons of privacy I won’t go
into. It was nice talking to him though. Not a lot of people I can talk to on
the phone. Owen has phone issues, D isn’t going to like to talk and yeah that’s
it. The stuff I can say like talking about the past and moving on, how he’s
doing well in his job and his drinking is more under control. It was nice to
hear that he has a positive outlook on things.

Right. Meetings tomorrow about training. Bed.

 

Reborn #2

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Today is a new day, a whole brand new fresh day, and one to move on with. I’m currently covered in scratches from Dobby as it was bath time and hair trimming. Much hair was lost. But alas I found it on my trousers, t-shirt, and underwear. Everywhere. Not that I mind but I’m still a bit awkward around D after yesterday and it takes two people to clean the dog and sort the hair out. Fortunately, it involves me sitting on the floor with a lead which is something that I can do without the sticks.

Hate talking about them now. I’m still getting grief because I’m not using two. I suppose I’ll fall over at some point when only using one for the message to get into my head. I know she means well and that’s what the doctor has ordered but being berated every time they visit doesn’t help. The house is full of crappy tension as it is and that pushed me over the edge yesterday and I self-harmed.

Not proud of what I did but I did admit it to my social worker. Poor guy. He’s new and got both barrels from me when I had to explain what’s up and what is going on at the moment. I explained that I’m safe and it was needed to de-escalate the way my mood was swinging. So now I get the reset the counter again but you know what, who cares, no damage was done to anyone, and I’m still here which I might not have been if I didn’t do it. The unhealthy coping strategy of a borderline.

The social worker is going to try and help me out with a few things. He managed to sort me a doctor’s appointment for next Friday. I was surprised, as the doctor’s office called me before the social worker. “Hi Dr x would like to see you next Friday.” she politely said, “Why does the doctor want to see me?” I asked. “No, he just wants to see you but hasn’t said why”. Confused as ever, which is pretty much always, my social worker then rang me to say he spoke to the doctor’s receptionist and asked for one. He said it’d do me good to speak to them to see if I can get some more referrals to speed up the housing process. I’m trying my hardest to save up as I need a deposit and the first month’s rent. But it’s the summer holidays so every penny is going to the kids, food shopping, and bills. I think there is a grant service out there that helps out with things like this. I’ll do some more digging online and see if there is anything.

When D pointed out that I have no friends to go to it was a stark reminder that for various reasons I don’t make friends very easily. I’ve always tended to be a loner. I’ve always had O who lives in Sheffield and he is the bestie. He’s going through some stuff right now so trying not to pester him so he can work on himself. I have dickhead (brother) but that’s, yeah, no, a whole ton of issues with me, him, and everything. So maybe I should look at groups. There is an app called Meet Up. I use it for charity to arrange workshops and tech sessions. I also know a club that is open to the public which has counselors running the group. There is one on Monday at 7pm so will try and get myself ready mentally for that. At least then I can meet people I don’t know in a safe space. I know one of the people and he’s offered to meet me early so I get used to the venue. Or I might skip that and see him during the day and offload then.

I must confess I had a nap halfway through this post and feel better about it. On a similar note, why do humans drool in their sleep? Woke up with a wet face not caused by the usual dog slobber. Unless they do it while I’m asleep on the sofa. Bastards! 😉

Nap time is essential for world domination. Remember that.

The kid I used to know

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Hello.

It’s been a few days since I last posted. I just wasn’t feeling it when trying to put thoughts onto paper. Well. Computer screen. You get the idea. Things are a bit better now. I still don’t feel right but nowhere near as bad as I was. I can manage to sit, stand and walk. I can also talk without too much slur unless I am stressed. There are some things that I will need to accept. One of them is that this will happen again when I don’t know, but it will be something to live with. Secondly, the strain that this has placed on the family will never be the same again and is now subject to terms of a “review” in September to see if I can stay in the family.

I’m not sure what to call what happened. Technically my central nervous system spasmed and caused stroke-like effects on my body which has taken ages to process and heal. There is no medication I can take for it, nor is there any treatment that I can undertake. I can try and find out what caused the spasm in the first place but they are indicating that stress has a significant effect. Which I didn’t know. I didn’t think that something mental could affect something physical in that way. The strange sounds I make seem to come along when I’m stressed. This is new, something that has only been a few months old. I can’t control it but if questioned about it makes me do it more. If I get racing thoughts then it happens constantly.

Must be a stress-related thing then. So avoid high-stress situations in a house with two teenagers, two dogs who bark randomly, and yeah. On top of all that doesn’t make for a stress-free life. I don’t think I’ll find the solution by hiding from it and leaving which leaves me the option of coping skills. I’ll need to do some Googling and see what is out there. The CMHT team has been in touch and they are trying to prioritize psychotherapy which so helped me in the past. That’s one thing. I need a few. Meditation helps but not at the moment something stress-related happens, only after, and then it’s really hard. So I need to find a stress reliever that works quickly and I can use it at the point of it occurring or thereabout. Medication. I could take a valium the moment it happens but then it would also zone me out. Unless I take a small amount, 2mg per event? multiple events in one day could be an issue, there would have to be a limit. The most you can take is around 30mg in one day, so I would be popping the 2mgs like sweets but it could in theory work. The problem then is tolerance levels would rapidly rise up and render it useless. It could though, work in the short term while I wait for treatment from the hospital’s mental health team. Possible. Will need to call the dr and check if that’s an acceptable solution.

I’m now struggling with thoughts of the following nature:

  1. Usefulness. D has automated the household to the point where it can survive without me. This was done, I hope, in kindness, not malice. I now struggle to think about what I can provide the household besides being useless and unnecessary.
  2. What is the point of all this? Verging on existential problems. Actually no it’s 100% an existential problem.
  3. This list is shorter than I expected it to be. I’ll take that as a good thing.

So my list is pretty much how to contribute to the household, find my place in the world, and understand why we exist.

In a nutshell.

A tips & tricks post of randomness

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I thought it would be nice to create a post with some tips and tricks that I have learned during my time on this rotating rock we can home. You’ll probably know a few of them already but brushing up on your knowledge never hurts.

Self-harm wounds
If you have self-harmed, it’s important to take care of your wounds properly to prevent infection. Here are some tips:

  • Wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water before and after treating your wound.
  • Clean the wound with soap and water or an antiseptic wipe.
  • Apply a sterile dressing to the wound and change it daily.
  • Keep the wound covered and dry.
  • Avoid scratching or picking at the wound.
  • When in doubt, please see a doctor.

Self-harming sucks. Except when you are doing it. You know it’s not right but the urge sometimes is too much and you just do it. Remember, you are not alone. There is help available, and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Hallucination distractions
Hallucinations can be very distressing and can make it difficult to do everyday things. However, there are some things you can do to distract yourself from them and make them less disruptive and annoying.

One way to distract yourself is to focus on your senses. Pay attention to what you can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. This can help bring you back to the present moment and make it harder for the hallucinations to take over.

You can also try to distract yourself by doing things that you enjoy. This could include listening to music, reading, watching TV, or spending time with other people. It really can take your mind off things.

Crisis
Being caught in a crisis can be a seriously overwhelming and scary experience. It can be difficult to know what to do or who to ask for help. However, there are some things that you can do to cope with a crisis and get through it.

First, it is important to stay calm. It is easy to panic when you are in a crisis, but panicking will only make things worse. Try to take deep breaths and focus on the present moment.

Second, it is important to reach out for help. If you are feeling overwhelmed, talk to friends and family. There are also many hotlines available that you can call for support. Like the Samaritans, they will speak to you for ages till you relax a bit or until help arrives.

Third, it is important to give yourself time to heal. It takes time to recover from a crisis. Don’t expect to feel better overnight. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to deal in your head with what caused the crisis.

Finally, it is important to remember that you are not alone. There are many people who have been through crises and come out on the other side. You are not weak for needing help. It is okay to ask for help and to take time to get better.

Easter aka Zombie Jesus Day

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It’s been a real roller coaster the past few days, to be honest. I started getting hounded with thoughts and imaginary guilt trips which I really didn’t need. Why I do this to myself I don’t know. Reliving memories and seeing the pain, hurt, and suffering I’ve caused. My brain takes it out of context and amplifies it a thousand times over. Laying in bed not being able to sleep because of all the noise. So I conceded and took Valium early yesterday morning, then iterated it through the day. It helped. I slept at night. Progress. I even managed to mow the grass out back and it looks much better out there now.

Today I woke up and got the dogs out on the morning walk at 7am. Tried to make as little noise as possible so everyone could sleep in. D appeared not long after I was back and she had a moment of doubt about her Easter traditions. So I put my hand up, helped, and think we got it sorted. See. We are a dysfunctional family in a way. D and I sat at the table, B was by the window with his ear defenders on so he could both not see us eat or hear us. S her usual self absent on the sofa. Five minutes passed. Kids had the easter breakfast and disappeared leaving D and me to watch mass on tv. I take that as a victory. The kids left their rooms, they shared the basket offering and wished each other good things, had a plate full of Polish goodness (salads, sausage, and cakes), then ate with us before going. That to me is a win. It’s not massive, by no means normal to have that but considering both kids have MH-related issues it was good.

Part of me wishes for a normal household. One able to go on walks or cinemas without one of the kids being triggered or me for that matter. I do hate the burden I bring but am adamant that it won’t defeat me nor my marriage.

That’s another easter done and dusted. Still got some chocolate egg left so will demolish that.

Hope you’ve all had a good respective holiday 🙂