Tag: Suicidal thoughts

Its far to hot to have tea

Andy YoungLeave a comment

The bright white screen glare was giving me a suntan, so I’ve moved over to outlook to type this as it has a dark feature. I’m boiling. I hate the heat. I know its hot when my anti-sweat pills from the doctors don’t work. Taken a double dose so hopefully that will do the trick. Feeling sick. I think the kimchi tub I had for dinner is trying to escape its nice warm bed in my stomach, which is lovely I must say. Anyway.

Today was a mixed bag. I woke up early and called the mental health team to arrange an appointment with the consultant, so that’s sorted for next Monday. I got all my clothed ready to be washed. Social worker number 1 called to see how things are going, met with social worker number 2 and on Wednesday I’m hosting a meeting with social worker number 3. They’ve also extended my stay here for another week. Sort of happy, sort of sad. I have stability for a week but its frustrating that a property hasn’t been found yet. Hopefully soon.

My CPN and social worker number 3 want to come along to see the consultant with me which is nice. I explained that I’m scared I’ll just say everything is okay when its not. I’m not suicidal again yet which is good, but my voices and hallucinations have made a comeback. Also, that weird waking dream thing keeps happening. Lost in thought. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll call the crisis line and bore them with the details it’s been a few weeks since I phoned them now, I have a CPN to moan to.

Doti asked me to come over and check in on the kids after my meeting today. It was nice Suzi came down and gave me a hug. I bought them sandwiches and sausage rolls. Drinks and treats that they probably wont like, which is fine because I’ll be there tomorrow from 9am. Ben starts his school tomorrow. Think I’m more nervous than he is. He needs to get to the bus stop, jump on till end of the line and then finish with a long walk to the high school. He has all the bus details printed out and laminated. He’s got his phone so if he gets stuck or lost I can track him down and collect him. Suzi is going back on Wednesday, so I’ll have some company apart from the dogs. I ordered some clothes as a treat which should be arriving tomorrow and a back brace.

I looked around online to find a solution to my weak back and people were raving about how good a back brace is. So opted for one of the more expensive ones in the hopes that it will make walking a bit easier. Or if I can stand longer. Standing seems to be the main issue. I can walk, get to the shop, pain starts, get my shopping, rest at the counter while the nice people pack my stuff, get back to the motel room and omg chair I love you feelings when I sit down. Within a minute, less than a minute, the pain goes and I’m happy again. If the back brace helps me last just a couple of minutes longer, I will be happy. Otherwise, it goes back to amazon.

I’ll try and lay down and see if the sweating stops or I magically cool down. Night folks.

Dantes Inferno

Andy YoungLeave a comment

So looking back on my life the past few weeks has become a bit troubling. The sleep things. They are by far the most annoying thing happening at this moment in time. Although it’s not sleep. And it’s not being awake either. It’s a nothing existence. I go to bed. I sleep for 8 hours. I wake up. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. I’m falling asleep sitting on the sofa, mid-conversation, bathroom, and eating. It’s like I have never slept and it is absolutely killing me. It feels like I should get relief but I don’t. I spend the whole day daydreaming before being nudged.

I’m losing D.

I’m losing the kids.

They can’t take this shit anymore and it’s pretty clear that I have no life. I wake, I stay wake, I sleep and so it repeats. I don’t go out with the kids anymore, I don’t go to fun events or socials. I just literally do nothing but be in pain from not sleeping. I find it so hard to stay awake I have to move or shake a body part to distract myself.

D wants me to go to a&e but I’ve had it instilled in me from a very young age that unless your limb has been detached or your are is broken, you simply must suffer in silence rather than waste the doctor’s time. The only exception to that rule was when I overdosed back in 2016 and ended up in hospital for a few days. That was hell. Let’s not repeat that.

I don’t want to die. I think I like torturing myself with existing. Death would be a sweet release for the worthy. And that I sincerely am not. So If I’m not going to die and I have to live a half-life I will dedicate it to helping D with the kids & dogs till a replacement andy 2.0 can be delivered. She is absolutely stunning so there will be no shortage of suitors.

Everything is beautiful

Andy Young8 Comments

Okay. I’ll try and empty my mind as to what was said on Saturday night and how I feel about it. We were in bed, and I was getting wound up again by things wondering why they are happening. D said “I wouldn’t blame you if you did kill yourself with everything that is going on, you know I wouldn’t feel bad if you did it” partial paraphrase as it was Saturday. It made me sad. I don’t know why but I can’t get that out of my head. The BPD kicked in on that one. If D said it’s okay then why don’t you go and do it. But the kicker is, I really don’t want to. I haven’t been properly suicidal in over a year, I haven’t made any attempts on my life and generally try and make my life worthwhile. Like working with different charities to then help other people. I am happy with my little world that I created. Or we created more like. It feels like an attack. Like throwing in the towel because of the shite I carry on my back. I have that stuff on my back but I decided to not let it stop me. That I will carry on and that I will be a productive part of society and a father to my kids.

I’m maybe reading too much into it. You could look at it and say “You’ve got all this stuff going on so o wouldn’t b… No there isn’t actually a different way. Not that I see.

Unless I become a burden or hindrance I won’t do anything. I can’t leave B without a dad and I can’t leave D, I love her too much for that. It’s sad that she knows the suicide plan, what will happen, and what to do. We had to talk about that. We had to talk about a lot of things. The sacrifices she has made to be with me, the life she would have without me.

Ugh. All I do is moan on the blog. Next post. Cheerful.