Tag: Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Hospital. Damn you.

Andy YoungLeave a comment

I’m starting to get better and better at typing things which is great. I’m in hospital again. Been 4-5 days but not truly sure. It’s a strange experience. A surreal waking up experience of bright clinical lighting, sounds of the wheels on a trolly passing by and all the other things that come with a hospital stay. I’ve been assured that freedom shall be granted soon. I’m hoping on Saturday. Neurological function disorder. I heard him say that a few times. Got another scan then a lumbar puncture followed by bloods then hopefully they’ll find out what’s triggering the shit storm in my brain.

I’m terrified it will happen again

I feel like such a failure, liability and it’s dark at the moment. Home life personal issues don’t help nor my day to day mental health crap.

Not feeling it today. Maybe tomorrow will look better.

Everything is beautiful

Andy Young8 Comments

Okay. I’ll try and empty my mind as to what was said on Saturday night and how I feel about it. We were in bed, and I was getting wound up again by things wondering why they are happening. D said “I wouldn’t blame you if you did kill yourself with everything that is going on, you know I wouldn’t feel bad if you did it” partial paraphrase as it was Saturday. It made me sad. I don’t know why but I can’t get that out of my head. The BPD kicked in on that one. If D said it’s okay then why don’t you go and do it. But the kicker is, I really don’t want to. I haven’t been properly suicidal in over a year, I haven’t made any attempts on my life and generally try and make my life worthwhile. Like working with different charities to then help other people. I am happy with my little world that I created. Or we created more like. It feels like an attack. Like throwing in the towel because of the shite I carry on my back. I have that stuff on my back but I decided to not let it stop me. That I will carry on and that I will be a productive part of society and a father to my kids.

I’m maybe reading too much into it. You could look at it and say “You’ve got all this stuff going on so o wouldn’t b… No there isn’t actually a different way. Not that I see.

Unless I become a burden or hindrance I won’t do anything. I can’t leave B without a dad and I can’t leave D, I love her too much for that. It’s sad that she knows the suicide plan, what will happen, and what to do. We had to talk about that. We had to talk about a lot of things. The sacrifices she has made to be with me, the life she would have without me.

Ugh. All I do is moan on the blog. Next post. Cheerful.

Erebus

Andy YoungLeave a comment

“We were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold.”
― Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

D has taken the kids and gone on a mini-holiday with them, in a boat, in 60 mph winds. It was an interesting moment when I received the text whilst en route to a client to deliver some IT training. Thoughts racing through my mind. “Is this the precursor to her leaving?”, “Have I finally pushed her over the edge?”, “Is the boat code for something else”. A real brain buster when you’ve only glanced at the message, not seeing the preceding or any message after it was sent. I pulled up outside of the client’s house, palms sweaty I picked up my phone and started to read what was going on.

It turns out my BPD-ridden mind decided to warp everything into a negative situation. This is something I manage to keep in check most days, but not today. “She can take anything she wants, I just want my birds and a Nina”. But, alas, she decided to take the kids away as it’s half term here, and I need to work plus the added bonus of two dogs would mean very little space in the car. I calmed down. Composed myself and delivered the training.

I came home and they were all packed up. I gave D the keys to my car since it’s newer and has a breakdown cover so if anything happens I know they’ll be sorted. They got to the boat after a few hour’s drive. I of course naturally took this time to assess my situation. Alone. Three days. This leads to the quote at the beginning of this post. Now, when asked, Bard generated the following answer that 60mg was the highest dose in one day. I can happily inform you dear reader that after taking it for more than a decade the highest dose does nothing. Although I am eyeing up some opiates and wine but I’m fortunately resisting the urge and proving I can be left alone by resorting to old habits, which, as we all know fade hard.

Besides I took chlorpromazine yesterday which totally fu*ked me up for the work meeting this morning. That was just embarrassing. I couldn’t find my words, I sounded shakey and probably looked like a right mess.

Enough of drugs.

*looks for photos*

Yeah, I got nothing. Night!