I’ve been reading up on what things I can write about to get things off my chest. I used to use BetterHelp.com for that but it got a bit expensive. Its great but its a strain on the family finances hence coming back to blogging.
There is a suggestion that you should write a letter, list or interview. I’m not sure which way to go but the thought of a letter would be nice.
*** Trigger warning: child abuse ***
Dear child abusers,
Go and FUCK yourselves instead of young, impressionable 13 year old boys that you have plied with alchohol and only to then leave them with a fucked up brain.
That was weird. Not usually one to swear too much when typing but the words were fitting to the situation.
Dear child abusers,
With regards to my previous letter I feel I should expand in a few areas. You groomed me for months by inviting me, at 13 years old, to hang out and watch Stargate whilst giving me orange juice with copious amounts of vodka in. Me being a teenager thought that this was so cool, that you guys were cool and I was being accepted as a friend with people older than me. I loved your company, hanging out and working with you at the religious centre. I always looked forward to my shifts with you. Talking about things and being treated like an adult.
Being invited to watch a film at the cinema. It was 8mm. No idea at 13-14 that it was based on the darker elements of sexuality. But I think you knew that. Well. Touching me in the cinema was probably planned as well. Then one day putting on porn instead of Stargate or Friends by “mistake” to see how I would react. I didn’t mind, I got to hang out with you still. So what if you did these weird and strange things. I was naive, I didn’t know better and thought this is how adult life is. I was honoured that you let me in your bedroom to fix your internet connection. So what if you stuck your tongue in my mouth, I got to feel special because I fixed something for you. That was just the way it was. Even when you invited a group of people round so they could sit and watch this weird stuff on tv whilst giving me drinks till I started having gaps in my memory. This really weird thing happened when I woke up at home the next day, after my unknowing parents who blamed themselves, discovered blood in my underwear and some strange pains and aches. Still. It didn’t matter. You were happy and from what I remember now after therapy, I must of loved it as I couldnt stop you. You must of thought of it as a game as I tried to get downstairs and away from you. I didn’t even know all your names.
When I was 15 the coolest thing happened to me. See, in school, I was being bullied and turned from this lively, outgoing boy to sneaking in vodka and getting drunk in the middle of high school. No one knew what was in the water bottle that I carried like a crutch. I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped talking to my parents. I was already at that stage of uncomfortableness in life as a teenager but having you guys guide me through it was awesome. I started to fall from being top of the class to the dregs at the bottom. It didn’t seem important any more. My report from school, sent home, was saying I was falling behind with everything, lacked enthusiam. Hell, I’ve still got the reports here with me today! My mum naively wrote “If you did something about A’s bullying problems then maybe his work would be better”. I didn’t come to my parents. I didnt want them embarressing me or being involved with the guys from work. As far as they knew everything was fine apart from at school. It was only in 2011 when I told my mum about what happened that she said the immortal line “Thats why there was blood in your underwear”. I was shocked at that comment but well yeah.
So the coolest thing. 15 year old me. Invited to go out clubbing with you and all your friends and a sleep over at your sisters house! Oh my god how amazing that someone who had no real friends for whatever reason, finally had acceptance from people. Not just any people. ADULTS. You treated me as an equal but sometimes special when you invited me to your bedroom with different people watching. Anyway. That didn’t matter. I left with you from work, got to your sisters and we got ready to go out on the town. By the time we walked to a friends house I was already drunk and out of it. You were all watching porn on tv. 5-6 of you? You started touching me. Not just one of you. You all wanted to. You all did. We then left and went to the pubs before ending up in a club. We drank, we danced, I stopped drinking as I was feeling really sick. Then the bouncers made me go outside for freshair. The next time I remember is being naked with 2 of you guys and a girl. Was that a camera? no matter. I threw up. Then pain. Then passed out. I don’t know how long I was asleep for but it wasn’t long. Grabbing my mouth and pouring more drink and me trying not to be sick. There was someone behind me doing something. Pain. Blood. Drink and then blank.
I woke up the next day at your sisters. You were so angry at me for being sick on the floor during the night. You made me feel like I was dog dirt. You shouted and threatened. You drove me back to work for my shift but I could barely stand. I called my mum and she came and collected me.
That was the last time I would work with you. I realised something wasn’t right and my parents pressured me to quit because they didn’t like the hassle of collecting me and dropping me off. You phoned the house and started giving me abuse over the phone. I was scared every time the phone would ring. You got what you wanted I, I think, I couldnt understand why you were so angry at me. One minute I was part of this amazing club and now I’m cast out, can’t see any of you and getting verbal abuse over the phone.
I started drinking on my own. 15-16 years old, I didn’t know better. I thought this is what life was. I swallowed the emotions and memories down. Deep down. My mum told me that I should do that with bullys. Ignore them, put the memories and things in a box in your mind and hide it. So I did that with the abuse. I just boxed it and drank. Then pills. My parents supply of codiene and tramadol. Hammering it and just being out of it to feel like it was.
Fast forward to the end of 2010. R was born. I saw her grand father pick her up. Then these. These flashes in my mind. Images of kids being abused, watching them do things to them. The taste of alchohol on my lips or someones breath. What the hell. The boxes started to open. I found a journal, some things written on my computer. It all came back. I spirled fast and hard. I lost my family. I turned to drink and drugs again.
Amazing that you could still hurt me decades later. Physical wounds heal but the mental ones are the hardest. Last night I was getting flashbacks again. I cried myself to sleep as I couldn’t even allow my wife to touch me because of the feelings I felt.
So I guess I wanted to say I hope it was worth it. My life effectively ended in 1998. You took my innocence and used it for your own pleasure. The effects are still here to this day. Every minute of every day you are but a flash away. I see a baby. I see you. I see drink, I smell your breath in my face. My beloved wife, who has stood with me since 2011 and been through all of this with me, touches me. I recoil and shudder from the woman I love with all my heart. She cries. It repeats.
I’ve tried tracking you all down to no joy. Of course there is no track, its been decades and you’ve moved. I drove round where your sisters house was. I couldn’t even get out of the car because I teared up and didn’t want you to see that. I drove past work. Its been taken over by a new company, not a religious retreat.
Ugh. That sums it up. Ugh. I know everyone else has problems in their past. This is my baggage and it doesn’t make me special. But seriously. I don’t even have words for you.
Thanks. Thanks for the memories,
Weird. I feel better. Sorry for over sharing but this is something I carry and putting a letter out to them makes me feel better. I think the only thing that I would add would be my brother who made a lovely comment back in 2019 when we were clearing my dads house out (mum and dad both died semi-recently). He turned to me and said “It couldn’t of been that bad being abused by a woman”. That question has burned on my brain. My reply should of been better but he caught me off guard “It was one woman and five men” I said. “Oh”. he said. Weird that, that comment made me feel like I was 13-15. Powerless. Maybe he was right? I must of enjoyed it. I let them do it.