If you want to know how my week is currently going: I magically skipped from 10:00 PM to 3:30 AM in the blink of an eye. This is just another wild night in The Tuesday Report, and honestly every week feels like an episode of The Tuesday Report for me lately.
Seizure. In The Tuesday Report, these kinds of surprises seem to happen far too often.
I awoke sitting bolt upright next to the birds, sitting in a reading aloud position to them. When my brain finally came back online at 3:30 AM, I realized I hadn’t moved a single muscle from that exact sitting position for five and a half hours. Standing up produced a god-almighty crack that sounded like a collapsing building. Blobette and Mojo were thoroughly unimpressed with me leaving their cage light glaring all night, too while I was “out”.
To top off the temporal chaos, a “whoops, took too many gummies” situation this morning knocked me out cold for four hours—which was definitely not the plan. Yet, it’s yet another classic tale for The Tuesday Report archives.
So now I’m awake, my sleep schedule is completely wrecked, and I’m actively trying to stretch my bedtime tonight so I don’t induce another seizure.
How’s your week starting off? Anyone else fighting a completely broken body clock? If so, you might have your own version of The Tuesday Report to share.
On Friday I was due to collect the keys for the flat. They delayed it for a 4th time, now it’s 15/01. I must admit I wasn’t expecting to to be read. I think the same thing will happen in the new year. I’ve left a message with my housing officer to see if I can switch onto another property as this is really starting to grate. I’ve been in temporary accommodation since 17th August. Its 16th December. Ridiculous.
Today was B’s birthday. I got there for 8.30am so I wouldn’t miss the present opening. He was really happy with his monitors, keyboard and mouse and headphones. Fast forward 30mins. Screaming, banging and hitting his desk. This was because the monitor was 0.5cm off on the hight. It was ridiculous. Full on screaming fit. Took the new monitors off himi and installed the ones he replaced. He started slapping his face, hitting his legs and pulling his hair out. Sounds like adhd. He’s okay now, i think, D took them to an arcade place in Bury. All the arcade machines, one fee and you can play to your hearts content. If it wasn’t for my shit brain I would of gone.
I had a seizure yesterday which has really knocked me for 6, I woke up dizzy and unable to stand without the stick. As I was mostly sitting down at D’s it was easily managed till I fell in the bathroom. So now i have this thing where I worried to leave the room this I’m okay again. I can get to the garage next door if I speed shop and get back inside of 10 minutes. I *really* needed that flat to be ready. I can get carers to help again and things would be a bit easier.
So, it’s been a while since I posted anything. Sorry about that. I had to take a few days to clear my headspace, which has worked wonders I must say. That was sarcastic, I did nothing apart from be suicidal. I reached out for help and got some. I had a seizure this morning. It only lasted a few minutes, but my central nervous system is playing hell today. Just constant jerks of the hands. Which I must say while holding a cup of tea, my laptop feared for its life. Such an annoying after effect. I ended up sitting on my right hand as that was the culprit. Could still feel it twinging but it’s okay now. I would love to know how this all started. That something can just ‘go wrong’ and that’s it your landed with a thing, disorder whatever and that’s your life now. You must learn the triggers. Thank god in a way that I was already messed up with BPD, so I knew the basics of identifying a trigger or even knowing what one was, otherwise I’d be totally lost.
It’s annoying that I have both things though. If I’m not suicidal, self-harming or emotionally available, then I’m passing out, zoning out and have seizures. To have them both in the same 24-hour period is difficult for. I’m sure everyone else out there can cope, but I’m struggling. I know that in a matter of weeks I will be in my dream house when they finish the electrics and that I’ll be very happy there. At the same time, I also realise that it’s going to be same shit different day and that I will still need to prepare for it happening. Therefore, living with it seems the only logical explanation so I’ll do some more research. Bard (google AI) has taken a beating the past two days with suicidal ideation. It detects it from the questions you are asking, so it includes a prewritten response of go and seek help, here are some phone numbers. But if you phrase things differently you can some seriously messed up stats and information out of it. I’m not going to post on here what I’ve been searching for. I wouldn’t like to be the one who throws you down the rabbit hole.
Nice to see that not content with one war, let’s start another in the middle east. Guessing here in the UK, we have spread ourselves thin with ammunition so we can’t follow blindness the US and donate to the cause. I don’t really do politics, sides, and general argumentative statements on here. Simply because I was just love people stop killing each other. Theres big business involved in killing so it’s not something that can be stopped. I often think of the world, how would I judge the human race. If anyone from a different angle saw the earth, would they judge all of us as a blood thirsty species? Or many we get lucky, and they look at a nice suburb somewhere with a nice fence around, a gated community. Anyways, enough of that before I get dragged into an argument. I’m in the pro-USA & special relationship that we have with them camp.
I was up at 3am this morning as I just rage-quit life at 8pm thinking ‘Fuck it, today can just stop’. It was nice being up so early music blaring on the headphones, but the one annoyance is that I can’t boil the kettle to make a cup of tea. This for us brits is a crazy situation, so I sat there waiting till 7am before I could use the kettle to not wake or anger the general population in the motel (the walls are very thin. Talking two slabs of plaster board sealed together to separate the rooms. Remember advert years ago, it was Nike or something or other where they could run through the walls of a building. Pretty much this place.
Frikkin seizures’ because I have a strategic meeting, whatever that is, with all my support people across all agencies meeting at once to discuss me and how my case is doing. Peter, one of the social workers explained that its nothing to worry about, that I don’t have to attend if I didn’t want to, we agreed yesterday that I’ll join through teams and do it that way. He also said I can leave at any time too. It’s at 3pm and will last an hour. I’m nervous about it, especially with everyone joining in. I think the only thing that I can ask for is some support with care, staying here for another few weeks and that’s about it really. I know my psychotherapy will start soon which is great that they’ve FINALLY done something about it.
I can’t say that without singing the song with it heeeeeeeeere I gooo again on my owwwwwn. I haven’t been able to do a post in a while as a few things happened in between last Thursday and now, so you’ve had second-rate posts and qotd.
So last Thursday I had an appointment with a consultant (mental health) which was years overdue. I remember little of the meeting except I siesuered up at some point and then suddenly back in the room with a scared consultant. I managed to get back to the relative safety of “Das Motel”. Next thing I know I’m awake on the floor and my face is fucking killing. It transpires that I passed out, banged my head and then managed to carpet-burn my face on the course carpet. Then proceeded to have the most fucked up morning of my life.
One second I was on my knees looking for things to bring to D’s house. Then she phoned me. Then I started getting scared. Then D was in the hotel room and stood behind me asking questions. If I was going to be there yet. Next flash. I’m suddenly on the road, I’m near the motorway. I don’t need the motorway. Blackout. Next flash about 20 minutes down the motorway. WTF am I doing here? Blackout. Cars beeping horns. I slammed on the brakes a lot, and my chest was sore from the seat belt. Suddenly I’m at D’s house. Then a knock at the door with a police officer standing there. “A lot of worried people have been looking for you. You don’t have your medication or your phone”. Then I was just talking gibberish at this point. The officer took me back to the motel and left the car outside of D’s house. I refused to go to the hospital despite his protests as my head was pretty dinged up. Agree for an ambulance to check me over. He waited with me till he was called onto his next job. He told the food truck I was sitting next to, to keep an eye on me. Same with the reception staff so I don’t wander off somewhere dangerous.
The brain slowly destressing. Hands working. Text D back that I’m alive and I am thankful she called the police when she couldn’t get hold of me. So. This triggered a few things. 1. not allowed out for a while, 2. if I have a seizure I need to sit somewhere and not move. The following Monday I had an army of phone calls from different agencies. My main one called me and told me he had the police report and that I was driving around randomly on the motorway network. They were tracking me on the ANPR cameras all the way home. No action was taken but no license. The doctor phoned and we talked for a good 30 minutes going over things, he said he has to tell the driving agency that I can’t drive with my FND condition, they can’t take the risk of it happening again. It was a miracle in the first place that no one was hurt. He raised a good point, he asked “Do you even remember getting into the car?” and no, I don’t, which is scary.
So that’s that. I’m seeing the consultant again this Friday and he’s bringing a friend. This is awesome because it went so well stressing out about it last time that it triggered me. If I’m getting blackout vibes then I’m cancelling.
That is why I haven’t posted till now as I can’t remember a lot of the things that happened that night and day. The stuff I do remember is all disjointed and like a gap in my memory. Sure that’s going to bite me in the arse one day in a flashback.
I’ll ease myself back into blogging. Should help maintain routine which has got me through the past week. Today I woke up really dizzy and it’s not gone away. So I accepted today would be an off day where I do things that calm me down. Like looking at the trading card collection I’m mid-sorting out. Masterchef, music, lots and lots of music.
I did it. I managed to get up, have breakfast, two teas and a coffee and got dressed nicely for the consultant I saw at 9.30. Because they are building ( and god is a vengeful god) on the carparks the closest I could get was a 15-minute walk with a stick. I winched as every time I moved it felt like daggers. Got to K block to be told to go back outside loop around this building and be there. Looked a my watch. 9.20.Dammit Asked the guy to call the consultant’s office to know I’ll be five minutes late. Came out, a frikkin gradient and not in my favour! I stopped a few times but oh the feeling when you sit down is amazing. All your backbones melt away and you are hallucinating. I started getting anxious and angry with myself.
What if he won’t listen? what if he doesn’t know what he’s talking about? Little niggles popping me in the head. Finally, I was guided to yet another bad seat in what resembles a containment space. We made eye contact, well done, keep going. He confirmed some data with me, over twenty calls to the crisis team always make for great conversation. the fractured English was flowing. I then did what I didn’t want to happen. A goddam seizure. In the middle of a mental health assessment. I tried to deal with it as best as I could. I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands. I slowly started saying no repeatedly and just as all the periphery started turning black. I felt the fud of a hand on my shoulder, The doctor was asking what he needed to do, can he get me water, and things like that. 5 minutes and it was over. I blacked out but any for a few moments. My eyes were flickering in the back of my head but yeah that was too real.
Now this poor poor doctor, all of 25-29 years old had no clue what the hell he’d just seen. I just simply said, “Remember when you asked about FND? That’s some of the messed up stuff it makes me do, it is real and a very scary prospect. So we carried on talking about things, he loves fishing as well but hasn’t had the chance yet as he has only been in the UK for 9 months. We walked through the meds and I explained what is for what. We chatted about other stuff but didn’t realise the time when it got to nearly 11 am from 9.30 am. Which is odd as usually, it’s okay we will increase x and discharge. I’m pushing for an A.D.D diagnosis to go along with BPD, PTSD etc. Simply to be able to access resources faster. That, as I said, is a deal breaker. If they feel I have theN I can start lowering three-quarters of my meds and just survive on either a single pill from them. He said he’d call me on Friday after he’d spoken to his colleagues. Will be interesting. He suggested an anti-epileptic tablet but explained it isn’t like that.
So. I went out, I got to my appointment, I attended and engaged. I hid back in the car but then went straight to Doti’s house and sorted the dogs out. Ended up sleeping on the sofa for an hour and then got on with my charity homework. Then went shopping at Asda and succeeded!
In agony now and should probably rest tomorrow. See how the legs are.
