Woman man or modern monkey
Just another happy junkie

Fifty pounds
Press my button
Going down

Trigger warning: Lets go with drug abuse and see how that goes.

I think my wife summed it up pretty well with the statement “You have hit a new low”. I have a grinder. I imagine it is pretty effective with weed but did you know you can also use it to grind pills into a fine powder? well, I discovered this yesterday.

I’m so sick and done with feeling like this. They did change my meds and increase one of them. But its just. Meds are not the only solution. I need the therapy that goes along side it. I’ve asked and begged them to speed up the waiting list but its just running into a brick wall. I just have to wait and have a half-life until I get the help I need. I was so desperate to get away from feeling constant fear and paranoia, sick that I can’t leave the house, sick of just having the same medication. Its great. But its been more than a decade of taking anti-psychotics, narcotics and drink. I’ve been clean from drugs, uncontrolled drinking and self harm for over a year.

Snorting lines of prescription meds to just to evoke an emotion is a new low. Plus it filled my nose full of the fillers they mix pills with. Nose bleeds and constant pain for a few hours was TOTALY fucking worth it. Thats sarcasm. It was a cry for help but to myself. I did tell the wife because she was probably going to guess something was up with the constant snoting.

I’m ok, had a hell of a headache last night but all the stuff has passed through. Today I have kept myself busy cleaning the house and annoying the dog & cat with music.

I’ve taken some promazine. That should help. Takes the edge off.


My saviour once again. Music.

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God’ll cut you down
Sooner or later God’ll cut you down

Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand
Workin’ in the dark against your fellow man
But as sure as God made black and white
What’s down in the dark will be brought to the light

Maybe something a bit new-ish 😉

Bite my tongue, bide my time
Wearing a warning sign
Wait ’til the world is mine
Visions I vandalize
Cold in my kingdom size

Addiction. Addiction is a killer, that much is true but the overwhelming feeling of forever saying no to every last prompt from your brain is so tiring. The irrational arguments your brain makes to try and trick you into saying yes and caving into your craving. I’m not just focussing on drink but having an addictive nature really isn’t much fun sometimes. You can reach out to people but if they have never been in the grips of a true addiction they will never understand. I do envy them, never having that nawing feeling and withdrawl. But then again I pity that they never got to experience such highs.

This is why music is so important to me. Its always been there in some form or another. Throughout my whole life I have always been fortunate to have music as a fall back. A safety net that I can stick in my ears and let the world detune a little bit and give me some space. The only problem is when I focus to hard on the lyrics and warp them into a personal situation. But I guess thats the point, isn’t it? to relate to music and make it apply to a situation, memory or whatever is occuring in our lives.

Weekend Report

So I had a nice weekend. D was working and then away training till late last night. I took the opportunity and had a Daddy and Son day. We went a park near by, B rode his bike while I chased after him on foot carrying a picnic, football and his ice cream. It was warm, it was green and it was bonding. We both had a great time, it was nice to let go and not think about much. After a few hours we came home. B hasn’t been very well the past few days (he’s the definition of health now) so we stayed at home and chilled. Playing Roblox, watching movies and talking.

It was mine and D’s wedding anniversary yesterday, its a shame we didn’t spend much of it together but she sent me a lovely message just after midnight which was great to wake up and read yesterday morning. I am proud of that. Sticking together through it all for this long. Long may it continue. The marriage. Not that bad stuff. That stuff can bugger off. The time we had together in the evening was amazing as always. R came round yesterday as well, my other daughter who doesn’t live with me. She brought fathers day presents and we had an awesome day playing and catching up which I love doing with her. Hearing about her life and then relaying whats happened in mine. S came back from her dads and all three of us had a monster McDonalds delivery and stuff our fat little faces. It was bliss.


Today I’m sat waiting for the delivery of a new mattress as the current one is beyond bad. You can feel it poking and jabbing all night, far too soft so your spine has melted by the morning. So working from home this morning sending emails and catching up on admin. Also flitting between this and the other tabs with some music going. American Witch by Rob Zombie. The randomness of my play lists as the song is swiftly followed by an Eminem song.

Hope everyone has an awesome day.

I still will never understand…

I still will never understand extremes and British attitude. “Its freezing, I wish it was warmer!”, then three day stretch of 21c weather, “Its to hot, I wish it was colder!”. I’m guilty of it, everyone in Britain is guilty of it. Personaly, everyone in Britain is guilty of talking about the weather far to often. It is something I hate as I talk about it on a daily basis. I’m wondering where the cut off it, where everyone will stop talking about it being to hot, or to cold. A sort of purgatory weather system. Then. What would we have to talk about then? Our bad teeth?

The weather is lovely outside. I hope it keeps it up all the way to the weekend, I have sunburn on top of sunburn and I love it. I don’t understand the nay-sayers who condemn walking in the sun, and in there perfect world we would all be pale skinned and hiss when we see sunlight. Its nice, warm and you feel charged for laying/walking/running around in the sun. Of course there is taking it to far and turning into a piece of leather, smelling of biscuits (fake tan) and solariums baking you to a crisp. I’m talking about lovely, glorious sunshine. Granted you may get skin cancer but then you might get hit by a bus. That argument works well for smokers, so I’ll use that one.

I’m still feeling exhausted and ill from the BBQ on Sunday. The beef burgers are my primary suspect. So rather than fill you in on my bowl status, we’ll leave it at that I’m in pain. Hopefully it’ll stop and I can get a decent nights sleep, although good practice for the baby. Things are going well on the baby front. J’s bump is growing by the day, the animals are being protective of her and she’s started sleeping normally now as well. It is week 18 now, so thats mid-way through I think. Apparently the baby can hear things, so will try and sing some songs at her tonight. A few places have said if you play music to them in the womb, and they hear the song when they are born its soothing. I also learned that the reason why baby’s kick when you stop moving is because the walking or moving you are doing keeps them soothed and calm, so naturally, when you stop they kick.

*thinks* so whatever song we use we’ll probably end up hating from over playage. Best not make it an Ozzy song then heh.

Speaking of music. I managed to get one of my oldest albums onto the Laptop which am now listening to. Its significant because its the exact point where I started to notice music, and my tastes matured. Hmm. That doesn’t sound right, it my head it does. Basically the first memory of listening to something that wasn’t pop music or on the radio which caused me to follow a certain path of music.

It was a David Bowie album of all things. I got the cd in 1996? So I was all of 14. Still works now, so take that 10 year expiry date on cds!  I remember taping it and listening to it as I rode around on the motorbike I made with a friend at the time. Nice memories. Drive in Saturday? think thats the name of the song which I loved.

The other album was from a film called ‘The Faculty‘. It had Oasis, Creed, Garbage and The Offspring, which opened the doors to music like that. I’m avoiding using genres as I never understood how that worked, much easier to class music as ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’.

I’m rambling so shall stop. But was nice to type as it always relaxes at the end of stressful day.

Its only Tuesday. Blah.

Wake up you sleepy head
Put on some clothes, shake up your bed
– Oh you pretty thing – David Bowie

Its only Tuesday, yet it feels like it should be Thursday. I feel like I've been cheated out of a weekend, I demand a replacement one!

Recently have been binging on cd's. I'm an odd one, if I like something I'll download all there tracks. Example. Bob Marley. Love ALL his songs and listen to a few nearly everyday, hard stretched to find a playlist without 'stir it up' or 'three birds'. So I buy one of his albums and in my head that makes up for it. Same with David Bowie. I got Aladin Zane. Woo. It has the drive in song which amuses and melts:

She's uncertain if she likes him (got got du aaah aah aah)
But she knows she really loves him
It's a crash course for the ravers (got got du aaah)
It's a Drive-in Saturday

I find the 'got got du ahhh' amusing. he he he. He's another one thats on almost every play list. Christ, think he was one of the first cd's I got back in the fun awkward days of being 13. Hmm. No managed to curtail the urge to start copying and pasting lyrics.

But yes. I spent a silly sum of money on cds and now have ac-dc, vnv nation, bob marley, system of a down, dead kennedys etc etc. Mucho fun 🙂

Today has been slow, to speed it up I got the live cd Drop kick Murphys did for St Patricks Day in Boston a while ago. And its the most awesome cd ever and if I could find it any where to buy I would pay money sacks for it 🙂

I had the lunch of kings today as Jen slipped in some cheese rizo biscuit thingies which are soooo adictive. Oh about as addictive as doing Mosaics as we've started to do them at night as well. First coasters and now mirrors. Will have to get pictures to put up here. Although hers are better, mine are… well she likes them, I never like my own work.

Going to go back to the world of music now and amuse myself with that. The weather is being random. And I wish people who stop going out and evil storms that arnt as bad as last year and the OMG its global warming stuff grr.