Tag: healing

1. Current relationship status?

Andy Young2 Comments

I think the technical word for it is separate. Then once the paperwork comes through and it’s all official with the courts then it’s Divorce. Unless someone contests it when the divorce paperwork comes through. I wouldn’t do something like that, would I? Not like someone went off and had an affair before the paperwork or even a notice of being divorced.

So for that to make any sense I’ll give you an exciting look at my marriage and personal life:
Met in 2007
Together in 2010
Sort of, sort of not 2011
Together in 2012
Married in 2015
Separated in 2023

The longest relationship I have ever had actually. D had been married before, she had an affair with me and I cheated on what would be R’s mum with D. 2011 is and was the most fucked up year of my life, the lies I made, the things I did and the people saw. Madness. There was always one constant and that was D. She was pure in my mind, a candle flame that can’t be blown out because that would make the world a darker place. Day two of divorce she blew her candle out.

I should have been there more. I should have given her what she needed.

No one wins in a breakup. Well, maybe those with friends they keep in reserve.

So single. I’ve sworn off women for now. For a long while. I heard once was one year of a relationship is equal to one month of getting over. So we’ll go for 2012, 11 months to get over the relationship. That’s fair. About the same as the hospital said my recovery would be. I still don’t understand the recovery period. Does that mean that I am miraculously going to be able to walk without searing back pain? Oh, I was quite actually impressed. I went to the garage next door which has a shop built in, I was struggling with the basket, walking about. My back was in complete agony. I got to the till and I swear I was going to ask them for a chair. Thankfully the guy took my shopping bagged it for me and put the basket back. It’s things like that that help. I managed to get back to the motel, room and then I faceplanted on the bed for ten minutes.

I’ll have to have a look online and see if there are some exercises that I can do with my back or if it’s just keep walking till it improves. I do walk every day now. Maybe a gym with a running machine. I can hold onto the sides if I need to and then start at level one again and try. I’ll ask my social worker if they have any offers on gyms. Or a discount as I’ll just be using one machine.
Oh yeah talking about relationships. Yup, this was the longest one. Since I’m 40 my options are pretty limited unless I make it big with Bitcoin, lottery or good looks & hypnotism. Of which I have none. So I’ll exist until Allah/God/Chukulu puts someone in my path.

Who am I kidding? A photocopy of D would be awesome. She was perfect and I lost her. Stupid body.
God. I could do with a bottle of wine or two. Never thought in my life I would ever be craving wine. Most normal men crave beer, buy it, drink it, sleep. I wish it was simple. But wine is the weapon of choice. Or rum. Rum, I can drink from the bottle. Although is nicer with ice and a snifter of coke. Snfiter. Coke. They probably belong in a sentence somewhere but not here, I am not a snifter of coke. Never have, never will. Pharmaceuticals is a different game. That is one that I abuse with hilarious consequences. And it’s all legal as well:

Risperidone, twice a day.
Sertraline, two in the morning.
Promazine, four times a day.
Procyclidine, twice a day.
Propranolol, three times a day.
Cyclizine, three times a day,
Pro Banthine, four times a day,
Codeine, up to four times a day as needed,
Pregabalin, three times a day
Diazepam 5mg, once a day
Diazepam 2mg, three times a day
So 31 tablets. In a day. #FML

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Not crappy poem #9

Andy Young2 Comments

Depression, black dog, go back to hell
From whence you came, I’m not your kin
I’ve fought you off before, and I will again
I’m stronger than you, you’re just a stain

I’m not going to let you win this time
I’m going to fight back with all my might
I’m going to take back my life, it’s mine
I decide my own destiny, not you

So go away, depression, and never return
I’m done with you, I’m moving on
I’m going to live my life to the fullest
And nothing is going to stop me, not even you.

Fuck the beast, that is you, to hell you go.

Crappy poem #8

Andy Young2 Comments


The pain is all I know
It’s all I feel, it’s all I show
I cut, I burn, I bleed
I do it all to numb the pain inside

I know it’s wrong, but I can’t stop
It’s like a drug, I’m addicted to the drop
Of blood, of pain, of relief
It’s all I have, it’s all I need

I’m trapped in this cycle, I can’t escape
I’m drowning in my own self-hate
I’m lost, alone, and afraid
I don’t know how to break this chain

But I know I have to try
I have to find a way to stop
This cycle of pain and misery
I have to find a way to heal

I know it won’t be easy
But I’m not giving up
I’m going to fight this, I’m going to win
I’m going to break this cycle and be free.

Short Story: About desire

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I first saw her at the grocery store. She was beautiful, with long dark hair and piercing blue eyes. She was wearing a wedding ring, but that didn’t stop me from being drawn to her.

I started to see her around town more and more. We would always make eye contact, and I could tell that she was attracted to me too. But she was married, and I knew that I shouldn’t do anything.

One day, I saw her walking her dog in the park. I decided to go up to her and talk to her. We talked for a while, and I found out that her name was Sarah. She told me that she was married, but that her husband was always working and they didn’t have much of a relationship.

I felt a pang of guilt, but I couldn’t help but be drawn to her. We started spending more time together, and I soon realized that I was in love with her.

I knew that it was wrong, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted her. I wanted her more than anything in the world.

One night, we kissed. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I knew that I had to have her.

We started an affair, and it was everything I had ever dreamed of. She was everything I had ever wanted in a woman.

But I knew that it couldn’t last. She was married, and I didn’t want to ruin her life.

So I ended the affair. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I knew it was the right thing to do.

I still think about her sometimes. I wonder what could have been if she wasn’t married. But I know that it’s better this way.

Short Story: about dreams

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I’ve always been a dreamer. I love to lose myself in my dreams, to escape from the everyday world and into a world of my own creation.

In my dreams, I can be anything I want to be. I can fly, I can travel to faraway lands, I can meet amazing people. I can do anything my heart desires.

Dreams are a great way to escape from the stresses of everyday life. They can be a place where you can let go of your worries and just be yourself.

Sometimes, I use my dreams to escape from difficult situations in my waking life. If I’m going through a tough time, I can dream about a better future. I can dream about being happy and successful.

Dreams can also be a way to explore your subconscious mind. They can reveal your hidden desires and fears. By understanding your dreams, you can learn more about yourself and how to live a happier and more fulfilling life.

Short Story: about a song

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I first heard the song “Like a Stone” by Audioslave when I was going through a really tough time in my life. I was grieving the loss of a loved one, and I was feeling lost and alone.

The song’s lyrics really resonated with me. They spoke to the pain and confusion of loss, and they gave me a sense of comfort and understanding.

The song’s slow, deliberate tempo and haunting melody also helped me to connect with my emotions. I found myself listening to the song over and over again, and each time I would feel a little bit better.

Short Story: About loss

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I still remember the day my grandmother died. I was 12 years old, and I was at school when I got the news. I felt like my whole world had been turned upside down.

My grandmother was the most important person in my life. She was always there for me, no matter what. She was my best friend, my confidante, and my biggest supporter.

I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I felt so lost and alone.

The days and weeks that followed were a blur. I went through the motions, but I wasn’t really there. I was just numb.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone about how I was feeling. I didn’t want to cry. I just wanted to pretend that everything was okay.

But it wasn’t okay. I was grieving, and I needed to allow myself to feel my emotions.

So I started to talk to my friends and family about my grandmother. I cried a lot, but it helped me to start to heal.

It’s been a few years since my grandmother died, and I still miss her every day. But I’m learning to live with my grief. I’m learning to find joy in the simple things in life.

I know that my grandmother would want me to be happy. And that’s what I’m trying to do.

Short Story: About Abandonment

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The little girl sat on the curb, her suitcase next to her. She had been waiting for hours, but her parents hadn’t come.

She didn’t know why they had left her. She had been a good girl, she had done everything they had asked of her. But it hadn’t been enough.

She was scared. She didn’t know where she was going to go or what she was going to do. She just knew that she was all alone.

She started to cry. She cried for her parents, she cried for herself, and she cried for the future that she didn’t know if she would have.

A woman walking by saw the little girl crying and stopped. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

The little girl told her the story, and the woman listened. When the little girl was finished, the woman said, “Don’t worry, sweet heart. I’ll help you.”

The woman took the little girl to her house and gave her a place to stay. She helped the little girl find a new school and make new friends. And she helped the little girl heal from the pain of abandonment.

The little girl never forgot the woman who helped her. She knew that she would never have been able to get through that time without her.

Digging Deeper #6

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Is there a grudge, a pain that you are holding on to?
…Why are you holding on to it?
…Is it time to let it go?

Grudges and pain. hmm. They do go together very well. I don’t know if anyone has any against me, but if they did I would want to meet and talk about it. No fighting but just a chance to explain anything I made have done.

My biggest pain is my brother. I feel so sorry for him and the trap that alcohol has laid itself out for him. He gets in touch now and again. Sometimes money, sometimes loneliness, or some form of connection we still have. It all fell apart when Mum died. Dickhead took all the drugs he could find and deal with it that way. As mentioned prior I knew it was going to happen so my reaction was just to live life as normal. I was squatting in a house whilst I and D took a break. The council found me a flat, and I raided the local stores for bits of it. Mum would have loved it, it was on a high rise with a balcony. Things were chaotic then. I had to drive to Wales pretty much every day to help with Dad or dickhead thinking the neighbors were attacking,

So yeah we went our separate ways really. He stayed with Dad occasionally before leaving the country, and dad, and disappeared. I then had to step up my efforts to go. It was getting too much for me to handle. He was diagnosed with Dementia. That really didn’t help. I got the council involved and they laid on some carers for him. 3 times a day, every day at first. But I still came, took him to the local shopping area, and drank coffee.

The pain I hold is. Where was he? why couldn’t he help me? he’s missing dad being a dad before dementia took its hold. I had to work and travel 3hrs a day, sort all the bills, paperwork, cleaning, careers, doctors, and hospital visits whilst he just “took off””. I don’t hate that I had to do those things. I just hated doing it alone and not as a family.

The next grudge is a weird one. Not sure if the world is ready for that one yet.

A tips & tricks post of randomness

Andy Young1 Comment

I thought it would be nice to create a post with some tips and tricks that I have learned during my time on this rotating rock we can home. You’ll probably know a few of them already but brushing up on your knowledge never hurts.

Self-harm wounds
If you have self-harmed, it’s important to take care of your wounds properly to prevent infection. Here are some tips:

  • Wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water before and after treating your wound.
  • Clean the wound with soap and water or an antiseptic wipe.
  • Apply a sterile dressing to the wound and change it daily.
  • Keep the wound covered and dry.
  • Avoid scratching or picking at the wound.
  • When in doubt, please see a doctor.

Self-harming sucks. Except when you are doing it. You know it’s not right but the urge sometimes is too much and you just do it. Remember, you are not alone. There is help available, and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Hallucination distractions
Hallucinations can be very distressing and can make it difficult to do everyday things. However, there are some things you can do to distract yourself from them and make them less disruptive and annoying.

One way to distract yourself is to focus on your senses. Pay attention to what you can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. This can help bring you back to the present moment and make it harder for the hallucinations to take over.

You can also try to distract yourself by doing things that you enjoy. This could include listening to music, reading, watching TV, or spending time with other people. It really can take your mind off things.

Crisis
Being caught in a crisis can be a seriously overwhelming and scary experience. It can be difficult to know what to do or who to ask for help. However, there are some things that you can do to cope with a crisis and get through it.

First, it is important to stay calm. It is easy to panic when you are in a crisis, but panicking will only make things worse. Try to take deep breaths and focus on the present moment.

Second, it is important to reach out for help. If you are feeling overwhelmed, talk to friends and family. There are also many hotlines available that you can call for support. Like the Samaritans, they will speak to you for ages till you relax a bit or until help arrives.

Third, it is important to give yourself time to heal. It takes time to recover from a crisis. Don’t expect to feel better overnight. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to deal in your head with what caused the crisis.

Finally, it is important to remember that you are not alone. There are many people who have been through crises and come out on the other side. You are not weak for needing help. It is okay to ask for help and to take time to get better.