The Update

Hey guys,
Its been a couple of weeks since I’ve had a chance to do a proper post. Not that I havent been wanting to, so please take that into consideration for my absence. We managed to sneak away on Sunday to Scarborough for a night. This place is my spiritual home. By the sea. Relaxing and watching the kids have a great time. Especially when we tied the visit in with a trip up the road to Whitby. Home of Dracula at the Abbey. So yes, we had a lovely time and came back late on Monday. The kids are heading back to school next week. I have mixed feelings. Usually I welcome them going back because then I can get back to working proper hours but its been nice looking after them for the summer holidays. Sometimes not so much but even then, yeah, they can go back now 😉

There is change in the wind as well. I’ll be shifting my business from one direction to another. Actually more tuning it to point at something else rather than what I’m currently doing. This is in part to make it profitable but it means I have to reduce my charity work which has been 90% of my time. Its a shame but I have my reasons. That’ll be transistioning over the next month or so. This also means leaving my office but need to get it emptied first.

Guilt. It is truly interesting feeling. One of the more complex ones for me to work out and act on. Usually I can swallow pretty big pills and never hear from them again. Sometimes I’ll tease some memories out of the box. The moment it emerges from the box it gets infected. An emotion is assigned to it without any choice, its randomly whatever my brain feels like doing. So for example, I could have a happy memory locked away somewhere. A trigger will happen which causes it to pop up. Instead of happy, every other type of emotion is matched to it. B being born was amazing. The same time I was at rehab and escaped for the hospital to him being born. I’m happy but sad. Actually when I think about it, its like a seesaw. For every positive there is a negative. That negative tends to be felt more than the positive. For some reason the negative always wins over the positive. I guess thats where my brain chemistry comes into it. My ability to infect a memory. Having an impulsive nature doesn’t help. I supress it to the point where it does affect my life but its safer this way. It keeps manic moods under some form of regulation.

The reason why I mention guilt is because it is an overriding negative emotion that I struggle with. The main problem aside from above is the fact that I can feel guilty for the wrong thing and not the right things. Bad things I have done in the past, as far as I can tell, get put through a filter which then decides to either keep it in my conscious mind or to put it on the back shelf to play with later. When it comes through the filter an emotion is marked against it but this is overwritten when its retrieved and I’m left confused. I robbed a shop, I feel happy about this but I should feel guilty. My brain pushes it to the back of the line. Trigger event. Memory comes back. I should feel guilty but instead I now find myself experiencing sadness. Sadness but not over the damage caused but because I could of done more. Argh. I’m terrible at explaining things and trying to get my point accross.

Well since its only you that this blog aims to help later in life, it doesn’t matter too much as you would know what I was wanting to say.

Man I could do with some rum when my brain starts analysing itself. I’m trying as hard as I can to improve the way I think, I read up on it and try different things. Getting it out on the screen has helped the most so far. That way I can look back and see if I have made any progress.

Stay tuned for the next oddly strange thought ridden post!

Random QOTD

What makes you cry?

This is a weird one for me. I cry. A lot. But not over sad stuff, sad stuff you would expect tears a plenty but no. I think its to do with my emotional irregulation. I can watch a movie. For agruments sake, “Armageddon”, I cried so much during the scene where Harry called his daugthers boyfriend “Son”. BUT funerals or expected events in which you would usually shed a tear? they just don’t happen for me.

Son running up to me saying he loves me or I start thinking about him, my wife and strong memories and yeah I cry. Hard. You sort of get this ” Why can you just cry” going on in your head and its just blah, nothing happens but the moment its something family related and I’m wondering why I can’t control it.

I think its good to cry. Healthy. To get to that emotional state of out pouring and it is a relief in a lot of ways being able to do that. Of course all the judgement comes with it but still a vital human trait I find.

How about you? can you cry at will? or maybe not at all? do you wish you could?

To whom it may regard

I’ve been reading up on what things I can write about to get things off my chest. I used to use BetterHelp.com for that but it got a bit expensive. Its great but its a strain on the family finances hence coming back to blogging.

There is a suggestion that you should write a letter, list or interview. I’m not sure which way to go but the thought of a letter would be nice.

*** Trigger warning: child abuse ***

Dear child abusers,
Go and FUCK yourselves instead of young, impressionable 13 year old boys that you have plied with alchohol and only to then leave them with a fucked up brain.

Thanks,
A

That was weird. Not usually one to swear too much when typing but the words were fitting to the situation.

Dear child abusers,
With regards to my previous letter I feel I should expand in a few areas. You groomed me for months by inviting me, at 13 years old, to hang out and watch Stargate whilst giving me orange juice with copious amounts of vodka in. Me being a teenager thought that this was so cool, that you guys were cool and I was being accepted as a friend with people older than me. I loved your company, hanging out and working with you at the religious centre. I always looked forward to my shifts with you. Talking about things and being treated like an adult.

Being invited to watch a film at the cinema. It was 8mm. No idea at 13-14 that it was based on the darker elements of sexuality. But I think you knew that. Well. Touching me in the cinema was probably planned as well. Then one day putting on porn instead of Stargate or Friends by “mistake” to see how I would react. I didn’t mind, I got to hang out with you still. So what if you did these weird and strange things. I was naive, I didn’t know better and thought this is how adult life is. I was honoured that you let me in your bedroom to fix your internet connection. So what if you stuck your tongue in my mouth, I got to feel special because I fixed something for you. That was just the way it was. Even when you invited a group of people round so they could sit and watch this weird stuff on tv whilst giving me drinks till I started having gaps in my memory. This really weird thing happened when I woke up at home the next day, after my unknowing parents who blamed themselves, discovered blood in my underwear and some strange pains and aches. Still. It didn’t matter. You were happy and from what I remember now after therapy, I must of loved it as I couldnt stop you. You must of thought of it as a game as I tried to get downstairs and away from you. I didn’t even know all your names.

When I was 15 the coolest thing happened to me. See, in school, I was being bullied and turned from this lively, outgoing boy to sneaking in vodka and getting drunk in the middle of high school. No one knew what was in the water bottle that I carried like a crutch. I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped talking to my parents. I was already at that stage of uncomfortableness in life as a teenager but having you guys guide me through it was awesome. I started to fall from being top of the class to the dregs at the bottom. It didn’t seem important any more. My report from school, sent home, was saying I was falling behind with everything, lacked enthusiam. Hell, I’ve still got the reports here with me today! My mum naively wrote “If you did something about A’s bullying problems then maybe his work would be better”. I didn’t come to my parents. I didnt want them embarressing me or being involved with the guys from work. As far as they knew everything was fine apart from at school. It was only in 2011 when I told my mum about what happened that she said the immortal line “Thats why there was blood in your underwear”. I was shocked at that comment but well yeah.

So the coolest thing. 15 year old me. Invited to go out clubbing with you and all your friends and a sleep over at your sisters house! Oh my god how amazing that someone who had no real friends for whatever reason, finally had acceptance from people. Not just any people. ADULTS. You treated me as an equal but sometimes special when you invited me to your bedroom with different people watching. Anyway. That didn’t matter. I left with you from work, got to your sisters and we got ready to go out on the town. By the time we walked to a friends house I was already drunk and out of it. You were all watching porn on tv. 5-6 of you? You started touching me. Not just one of you. You all wanted to. You all did. We then left and went to the pubs before ending up in a club. We drank, we danced, I stopped drinking as I was feeling really sick. Then the bouncers made me go outside for freshair. The next time I remember is being naked with 2 of you guys and a girl. Was that a camera? no matter. I threw up. Then pain. Then passed out. I don’t know how long I was asleep for but it wasn’t long. Grabbing my mouth and pouring more drink and me trying not to be sick. There was someone behind me doing something. Pain. Blood. Drink and then blank.

I woke up the next day at your sisters. You were so angry at me for being sick on the floor during the night. You made me feel like I was dog dirt. You shouted and threatened. You drove me back to work for my shift but I could barely stand. I called my mum and she came and collected me.

That was the last time I would work with you. I realised something wasn’t right and my parents pressured me to quit because they didn’t like the hassle of collecting me and dropping me off. You phoned the house and started giving me abuse over the phone. I was scared every time the phone would ring. You got what you wanted I, I think, I couldnt understand why you were so angry at me. One minute I was part of this amazing club and now I’m cast out, can’t see any of you and getting verbal abuse over the phone.

I started drinking on my own. 15-16 years old, I didn’t know better. I thought this is what life was. I swallowed the emotions and memories down. Deep down. My mum told me that I should do that with bullys. Ignore them, put the memories and things in a box in your mind and hide it. So I did that with the abuse. I just boxed it and drank. Then pills. My parents supply of codiene and tramadol. Hammering it and just being out of it to feel like it was.

Fast forward to the end of 2010. R was born. I saw her grand father pick her up. Then these. These flashes in my mind. Images of kids being abused, watching them do things to them. The taste of alchohol on my lips or someones breath. What the hell. The boxes started to open. I found a journal, some things written on my computer. It all came back. I spirled fast and hard. I lost my family. I turned to drink and drugs again.

Amazing that you could still hurt me decades later. Physical wounds heal but the mental ones are the hardest. Last night I was getting flashbacks again. I cried myself to sleep as I couldn’t even allow my wife to touch me because of the feelings I felt.

So I guess I wanted to say I hope it was worth it. My life effectively ended in 1998. You took my innocence and used it for your own pleasure. The effects are still here to this day. Every minute of every day you are but a flash away. I see a baby. I see you. I see drink, I smell your breath in my face. My beloved wife, who has stood with me since 2011 and been through all of this with me, touches me. I recoil and shudder from the woman I love with all my heart. She cries. It repeats.

I’ve tried tracking you all down to no joy. Of course there is no track, its been decades and you’ve moved. I drove round where your sisters house was. I couldn’t even get out of the car because I teared up and didn’t want you to see that. I drove past work. Its been taken over by a new company, not a religious retreat.

Ugh. That sums it up. Ugh. I know everyone else has problems in their past. This is my baggage and it doesn’t make me special. But seriously. I don’t even have words for you.

Thanks. Thanks for the memories,

A

Weird. I feel better. Sorry for over sharing but this is something I carry and putting a letter out to them makes me feel better. I think the only thing that I would add would be my brother who made a lovely comment back in 2019 when we were clearing my dads house out (mum and dad both died semi-recently). He turned to me and said “It couldn’t of been that bad being abused by a woman”. That question has burned on my brain. My reply should of been better but he caught me off guard “It was one woman and five men” I said. “Oh”. he said. Weird that, that comment made me feel like I was 13-15. Powerless. Maybe he was right? I must of enjoyed it. I let them do it.

Random QOTD

If you could see any movie, tv show, play or sporting event “on ice,” what would you choose to see performed on ice skates?

Evil Dead or Dawn of the Dead. In anycase something with zombies. Don’t ask me why but there would be something both satisfying and amusing to see a zombie skating after you, trying to eat your brain.

Something wicked this way comes

For some reason unknown to me I havev14 draft posts ranging back from 2009 to now. It’s only now looking at the years that a huge amount of things have changed since those unposted drafts were created. I read a few of them which brought back some nice memories but what surprised me was the mention of “taking a little something” or “quick drink”. It makes you think my god how long have I been abusing my body by taking drugs. Legal and the other kind. And it must of been since I was 12-13 years old to now in my thirties. Christ I took a little something not long ago to chill so I’m still actively doing it. I just never realised before just how long it’s been. Poor liver. No wonder it’s scarred.

I called “the hotline” today to cmht duty. In all fairness it was worth the 3 preceeding hours to the call building myself up to doing it. They gave honest and decent advice. They also have all my records so I don’t have to give them the back story. I called them because of the illogical thinking. I’m aware of it but can’t stop it. There was a decision last week to tweak one of my meds which helps with that problem but not heard back from my gp with a new script. The people on the phone said they’d urgently get in touch with them and get it sorted. Awesome. I’m aware pills are only 10% of the battle but that 10% is a matter of life or death. The help line is open 24/7 and they checked in on me later in the day so quite impressed over the services provided here vs Wales. So Manchester gets brownie points for that.

Today is day 4 of sleeping on my own. My wife has abandoned me for the cooler climates downstairs and to keep an eye on the dog. The heat is causing doggo to have fits so it makes sense. Bella is up here with me so least I have company. Good company.

Tomorrow is the last term at school. S is already learning from home due to the bubble thing but she has an online graduation service at 10am as she goes to high school in September. I’ve vowed to shave and make an effort as it’s a big deal transitioning from primary to big school. B finishes at 1.15pm and will then start the Joy’s of a 6-7 week summer holiday. We’ve managed to book them into a club Mondays through Thursdays so I can still get the community work done and D can focus on her salon. Next weekend we are going camping where I’ll be teaching B and S to fish. I really can’t wait as fishing has always been a passion for me. They’ve got poles so as long as they don’t sling shot the fish over there shoulders when they bite we should be good. Got a new bivvy/small tent, for them to hide from the sun so it’ll be a nice adventure.

Not sure what the plan is but at some point we’ll be heading up to Glasgow to see the family and have a few days in Edinburgh sight seeing. Miss Scotland and certain people from Scotland so that’ll be great. B can meet my half sister who I haven’t seen in years and then show them the sites that me and Dad used to go to when he wasn’t being a twat.

It’s getting late so I’ll revert to a book and then pass-out thanks to Bella who will undoubtedly sit on my chest and smoother me with her tail.

Hope you are all well and that life is good.

Random QOTD

What Would You Rather Throw Away: Love Or Money?

Money. Every time. But I have come to that conclusion through heart ache, loss and pain. See my theory is you can only answer this question if you’ve had or have money. I had money. I had a hell of a salary, Nice job, well respected. I would constantly goto restaurants for meals, shop for anything I ever wanted or though I needed and yeah. It was nice and enjoyed it. It did however make me a slave to the wage.

By rebuilding and changing my purpose I found more happiness in love then I could ever find in money. Walks on the beach, watching a movie, board games things like that started to fill my days after I was “compromise agreemented” out if the building back in 2013. I found it hard. Very hard in fact to flip over to the other side. There was no safety net but the Freedom it brought me mentally was worth its weight in gold.

That was a lesson learned. Then came the fun of diying everything to save on the cash. Doing tasks I usually paid people to do or a whole collection of blah.

What Would you answer and why?

21st Century Breakdown

Hello.

Twenty-first century breakdown
I once was lost but never was found
I think, I am losing what’s left of my mind
To the twentieth century deadline

So. I can’t keep staring at the blank screen so I’ll just see how it goes. Firstly, the meme to the left is aimed more at me than anyone else. No one really bothers me much these days. To much negativity to be dragging around. I suppose of the “features” of the condition is the ability to split and completely without a second thought to it, cut someone out of your life as if they never existed. You can’t always determine who the split will be. If its random then you have no control on the time it lasts. I can split for minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. It just totally depends what “he” decides.

I haven’t split unintentionally for a while now has been good. I’m sort of splitting from myself in a way. I really really hate myself so of course it makes a logical reason to feel that way with myself.

I’m aware you can’t split from yourself no more than can you walk through a wall. But, maybe, in psuedo thinking you could technically split from a personality thats trapped inside you. Or would that be giving up the battle? What if I just said “F*ck it” and be done with it. Accept the person that I’m supposed to be, stop the meds, lose control and let “him” be in charge. Its what he wants any way.

But alas I cannot give in. He knows how to hurt me. He shows me things I don’t want to see. Memories that I dont want to relive when I don’t behave. He knows the ultimate way of putting me down. My FP (favourite person) B. He knows that if he flashes an image of him whilst showing me the memories of sexual abuse when I was in my teenage years. He knows itll break me. Stop me dead in my tracks and throw me off and triggered for an unknown length of time.

See. You don’t get to choose your FP. Its a weird attachment thing that people with certain disorders have where you link or bond with someone and that person, good or bad, becomes the centre of your world. You would do anything to protect them and you would kill them by your own hand rather than expose them to hard. Its extreme. Its both fiery hot and freezing cold. You world crashes down should you think they think a bad thought about you. If it isnt perfect, if it isn’t amazing then you are welcomed with severe stomach piercing feelings. You pray, you beg, you cry out that you didn’t mean to upset them even though its only a tone of voice that you hear. That is slightly off, even if it isn’t there you find it.

Its exhaustive. Realistically, B has saved my life many a time. The simple imaginary look on his face when he hears I have died has silenced many attempts and hospital admissions. Thats not the problem though. I have that, its my safe guard. But the real crux of the problem? control. I can’t lose control, ever. If I let my guard down for a second, the other one moves in. I see flashes of the things he is doing. A creepy smile spreading on my face that I cannot stop.

Addiction. Not ideal when you want to lose control and escape for a few hours. I can’t abuse drugs any more. Well thats true and not true. I can sedate myself with prescribed meds and chill out for a few hours without losing control and so long as I don’t do it for days on end. I havent injected since 2012 which near year will be a ten year victory. I used to be addicted to Ampthetamine.

Not my most glamrous part of my life shooting up to deal with the world, to go to work, to behave, to stay awake. B was born in 2011. So the added pressures were used, for lack of a better word, excuses to abuse the hell out of my body. Those drugs made me lose control several times leading to social services intervention and a whole fun host of other things including the police.

That ten year victory sounds good now having just typed that.

I don’t think I’m at risk right now to be injecting. I’m just babbling about things that can cause the lack of control to occur, to free my other me.

Control. Got to walk the line. Which is incredibly thin sometimes.

Music

My saviour once again. Music.

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God’ll cut you down
Sooner or later God’ll cut you down

Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand
Workin’ in the dark against your fellow man
But as sure as God made black and white
What’s down in the dark will be brought to the light

Maybe something a bit new-ish 😉

Bite my tongue, bide my time
Wearing a warning sign
Wait ’til the world is mine
Visions I vandalize
Cold in my kingdom size

Addiction. Addiction is a killer, that much is true but the overwhelming feeling of forever saying no to every last prompt from your brain is so tiring. The irrational arguments your brain makes to try and trick you into saying yes and caving into your craving. I’m not just focussing on drink but having an addictive nature really isn’t much fun sometimes. You can reach out to people but if they have never been in the grips of a true addiction they will never understand. I do envy them, never having that nawing feeling and withdrawl. But then again I pity that they never got to experience such highs.

This is why music is so important to me. Its always been there in some form or another. Throughout my whole life I have always been fortunate to have music as a fall back. A safety net that I can stick in my ears and let the world detune a little bit and give me some space. The only problem is when I focus to hard on the lyrics and warp them into a personal situation. But I guess thats the point, isn’t it? to relate to music and make it apply to a situation, memory or whatever is occuring in our lives.

Weekend Report

So I had a nice weekend. D was working and then away training till late last night. I took the opportunity and had a Daddy and Son day. We went a park near by, B rode his bike while I chased after him on foot carrying a picnic, football and his ice cream. It was warm, it was green and it was bonding. We both had a great time, it was nice to let go and not think about much. After a few hours we came home. B hasn’t been very well the past few days (he’s the definition of health now) so we stayed at home and chilled. Playing Roblox, watching movies and talking.

It was mine and D’s wedding anniversary yesterday, its a shame we didn’t spend much of it together but she sent me a lovely message just after midnight which was great to wake up and read yesterday morning. I am proud of that. Sticking together through it all for this long. Long may it continue. The marriage. Not that bad stuff. That stuff can bugger off. The time we had together in the evening was amazing as always. R came round yesterday as well, my other daughter who doesn’t live with me. She brought fathers day presents and we had an awesome day playing and catching up which I love doing with her. Hearing about her life and then relaying whats happened in mine. S came back from her dads and all three of us had a monster McDonalds delivery and stuff our fat little faces. It was bliss.

Today

Today I’m sat waiting for the delivery of a new mattress as the current one is beyond bad. You can feel it poking and jabbing all night, far too soft so your spine has melted by the morning. So working from home this morning sending emails and catching up on admin. Also flitting between this and the other tabs with some music going. American Witch by Rob Zombie. The randomness of my play lists as the song is swiftly followed by an Eminem song.

Hope everyone has an awesome day.

About Me

Ok so I finished the About Me page a bit faster than I hoped. I’ll dump it here as well so if anyone stumbles upon it, feel free to follow 🙂

Hi everyone, thanks for looking at the about me page, a page that notoriously everyone hates. I started writing blogs back in 1999 when blogspot was still a thing. Is it still a thing? then I was on vox for ages and then came to find WordPress. I like just dumping my brain onto the keyboard and find it theraputic to just have a place where I can store the thoughts and live them there for a while. Typing things out and then reading it back really works for me.

I guess the whole point of the blog is about giving people an insight into the mind of someone who has several mental health problems, trys to be a good dad and husband and someone who has had massive issues with addiction in their life. I battle with myself, most days and most days I’m okay so long as I am on my meds (and its a long list) I’m fairly stable and happy. I don’t know. Maybe if someone can see that someone like me can do it, then they can. Live that is. Not just exist. My official labels are EUPD, Schizo-affective Disorder, CPTSD from teenage years trauma, Anxiey & Depression and the best one, night terrors. I’m not my labels. I’m just me, which I need to tell myself, often, as I’ve made peace with being a little bit odd.

If you are into honest answers, not to scared to delve into the dark world of things or you would just like to see the world in a different way then I promise not to disappoint!

I’m currently living in Manchester, UK. I love it here. I went to university close by and being able to see it is great because it brings back some really awesome memories from when I was in the halls of residence with my friends for 3 years. As the content on here will be quite personal I’ll have to vague up the answers a little bit. I do have kids, I have an amazing wife and I love the community work that I do. Bit more detail would be my top 5 things in the whole world? being close to my family even if I’m distant or my mood is off, comics, trading cards, collecting cool toys and relaxing. Or being lazy. Depends how you look at it. But personally sat with my favourite people, real or not, makes me calm. The best movies in the world have to be V for Vendetta, Night Watch, Heat, Jurrasic park and kids cartoons. Yes. You read that right, I love nothing more than sitting with B watching Mr Bean, Miraculous lady bug or even Hey Dougie. I love Whitby and Scarborough. Both being my favourite place in the whole world to be. Might not be the warmest place on earth but I just love being next to the sea and thinking of the history of the place.