I’m still not 100%. Thoughts, eyes and such as somewhat uncoordinated causing a paranoia forcing me to keep my head down. Physically. Hopefully it will pass. It usually does, just makes life weird. Its like you are scared of anything & everything so you hide. Problem is, hiding causes a flair up in the personality disorder. It makes you ashamed. Ashamed that you have to hide and not face the world. This in turn draws out several negative emotions ultimately leading to punishment to keep things at bay. Enter, self harm and screaming.
That said I did force myself out the door today. So that was a nice big f*ck you to the disorders. Granted I needed a nap this afternoon but I’m feeling better than I did yesterday or this morning.D has been amazing with saying the right things which has helped greatly.
The voices. Bare with me on this one. I keep hearing my name being shouted which is very annoying. Its an external voice rather than an internal monologue. I keep getting up to see whose there. So I have combated this by sticking on Spotify (David Bowie at the mo) which if I focus on intently the voice reduces.
I’m missing my mum today. Dora too. and Owen but he lives which is great. Two people who didn’t deserve to die the way they did. Meh.Nothing can be done about that but I’m still having issues processing them dying. Its like a missing link in my head. I understand that they were here, they lived, they had memories, they had people who loved them and yet now its gone. Where have all the memories and love gone? What, where, how and why? Makes it pointless. Death that is.
Sorry for the gloomy post