Tag: FND

QotD: Black Ops

Andy Young4 Comments
rustic padlocked door with weathered texture

What is a completely mundane, everyday task that you approach with the tactical intensity of a military black-ops mission?

Here is mine: During the daylight hours, I am a perfectly reasonable member of society. The windows are open, the air flows, and I exist in a state of relative, breezy normalcy. But the absolute second the sun starts to dip below the horizon? My brain flips a switch, the triggers fire up, and securing this flat becomes a high-stakes tactical mission. PTSD and FND attacks occur almost nightly unless I secure the flat.

To be fair, the area I live in isn’t exactly a gated utopia—as anyone who read the saga of the crackhead porch pirates will remember. So, when dusk hits, the perimeter gets sealed. We are talking vibration sensors on the windows, blackout blinds drawn tight across the front, front door sensors armed, and triple locks fully engaged. I’m currently plotting to add an exterior motion sensor or a Ring doorbell just to get early-warning perimeter breach alerts. And if anyone actually makes it past the electronics, they still have to face the ultimate deterrent: two highly trained attack Rottweilers cleverly disguised as pet budgies.

The only people officially cleared to breach the airlock after dark are the care staff. Fortunately, they have the code to the key safe outside and gracefully humor my intense evening weirdness as they let themselves in. They understand that once the sun goes down, this isn’t just a flat in a residential block anymore; it’s a heavily monitored fortress.

Drop your highly unnecessary tactical routines in the comments below, so we can compare notes and figure out who is best equipped to survive a zombie apocalypse, or at least a rogue Amazon delivery driver.

The Weekend Report: Digital Freight, Nosey Cameras, and Ballistic Shields

Andy Young3 Comments
old photo of ben

The weekend has officially concluded, the teenager has been successfully returned to his rightful owners, and I am currently pinned to the sofa by a necessary dose of diazepam (or Valium, for those stateside). I had to take it to calm my nervous system down after a post-visit, overwhelm-induced seizure. Project Zomboid is on in the background, and I am heavily contemplating a sofa nap that my brain will almost certainly refuse to allow. Not to mention I had terrible nightmares last night. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep so while it was good to sleep for six hours, the nightmares? so not worth it.

Ben made it home safely this afternoon. The trains were packed, which I’m sure made the 15-minute walk to the station carrying a bag stuffed with roughly 80% of my fridge’s contents an absolute joy. We had a great time, largely fueled by a newly purchased Steam sale game called Bering Tonnage. It is an incredibly complicated cargo shipping simulator that we spent five solid hours trying to figure out on Saturday. I tapped out at 11:30 PM. I found out today that Ben, left to his own devices, stayed up moving digital freight until 4:00 AM. That certainly explains his absolute fatigue when I woke him up this morning. I did actually play the role of responsible parent and made him proper bacon and fried egg sandwiches for breakfast.

Before he succumbed to the cargo logistics black hole, he did actually earn his keep. The new daylight lamp for the birds is officially installed and operational. Mojo and Blobette absolutely love it, and it is going to be a lifesaver for the darker winter nights (and for the days I simply need to hide from the world with the blackout blinds). I tried to capitalise on this good mood by enticing Mojo with some millet spray. He looked genuinely tempted to step onto my outstretched hand, but my FND was thoroughly playing up, leaving my arm shaking like a leaf. Mojo abruptly cancelled the negotiation—birds, it turns out, do not trust a vibrating perch. Thankfully, the diazepam is starting to calm those tremors down, so I will try again after his current snooze.

In other domestic news, we took some time to reposition the front security camera so it can properly see the steps leading to the main door. Why? Because someone was outside throwing up, and naturally, we had to stealthily pan the camera to get a better look at the drama. Am I nosey? Yes. Do I have any regrets? Absolutely not.

Looking ahead, I am very close to hitting my savings goal for Ben’s birthday and Christmas present. At the end of the month, I’ll be ordering him a £150 electric guitar bundle that comes with the amp and strings. He has been playing acoustic brilliantly for the past few years, so he is incredibly excited for the upgrade. His mum is picking up a floor stand and an effects pedal for him, because the walls in his new house apparently do not have the structural integrity to support wall mounts.

On the blog admin side of things, I had a very pleasant surprise. It turns out I have a Tumblr account that WordPress has been quietly cross-posting to, and it is actually getting some engagement. Even better, someone generously dropped a £5 donation in my Buy Me a Coffee. To whoever that was: you have no idea how much that made me smile. Thank you. It has given me the kick I needed to look into the platform’s features and figure out some actual reward tiers for the future.

Finally, against my better judgement, a brief foray into world affairs. I don’t usually talk politics or religion here, largely because it’s too polarising and life is exhausting enough. But the whole Trump taking Russia’s side thing is genuinely baffling to me. It also got me thinking about the UK’s nuclear deterrence strategy. Why are we relying on the frankly terrifying “Mutually Assured Destruction” promise of hitting back? Surely, building a ballistic shield to cover the UK and parts of Europe would be a much more sensible choice. Charge us all a fiver a month on our council tax bills to fund it. It would certainly belay a lot of the country’s underlying dread without relying on a standoff. But that is exactly as far into politics as I am willing to wade today.

Question of the Day: What do you think about the ballistic shield idea? Would you happily chip in a fiver a month to just intercept the problem instead of relying on the promise of blowing up the world? Let me know in the comments.

Now, if you will excuse me, my heavy-but-wired state requires some immediate attention. It is officially Cheese O’clock. Must be the half dutchness.

QOTD has returned!

Andy Young5 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What was the last thing you searched for online? Why were you looking for it?
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FND, for those who don’t know is a serious neurological disorder of the brain. Its an umbrella for a whole host of different problems. I suffer from the functional seizure, drop seizures and reduced mobility. More info [here]

Interesting question! On Sunday a member from an FND support group answered one of my questions about blazing, blistering and agonising back pain that I get if I walk more than 500m. I was trying to find the link as to why and how a neurological problem can cause lower back pain leaving me unable to walk medium distance, well, I can but I start getting stressed, then I need to find somewhere to sit urgently (even the supermarket floor) and then a possible seizure. Anyway I digress, a guy answered saying its very common for people to have this problem when they have FND.

Moment of truth

Apparently, when you have a seizure all of the muscles tense up so tightly it starts trapping nerves, the lower back specifically. Which was a massive moment of clarity! Something made sense!

So I spent a few hours online yesterday searching for solutions to trapped nerves and everything that that entails. I found some good results and read up about it. Its all about not being stressed. That anything that tenses me up is bad. Some sites say that it wont be forever, it’ll become manageable. So that was some positive news.

FND I hate you…

I also just had a seizure lasting 7 hours of muscle seizing fun. My right leg is buggerd as the cramps haven’t stopped in that one yet. So now I’m shattered. Had a shower at 3.30am (sorry neighbours for the singing) and now sat here at the computer as my brain is awake. Its the complete black out that I hate to be honest with you. One minute am watching TV then “boom” I’m on the floor in an odd position.

Its a shame really. I was just thinking about calling the doctor on Tuesday (Monday is a bank holiday here) and seeing if I can get my driving license back. It was revoked last year due to the seizures as it affected my driving. Guess its a good thing I didn’t because this FND stuff is still impacting that part of my brain. I’ll just reset the timer again. The last one I had was a month or two ago, at least to the degree of this one. The doctor would of said no anyway. One day!

Out of curiosity do any of my readers or passer-by’s have FND or know anything about it? Please comment if so as I’d love to talk to you.

Here I go again.

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I can’t say that without singing the song with it heeeeeeeeere I gooo again on my owwwwwn. I haven’t been able to do a post in a while as a few things happened in between last Thursday and now, so you’ve had second-rate posts and qotd.

So last Thursday I had an appointment with a consultant (mental health) which was years overdue. I remember little of the meeting except I siesuered up at some point and then suddenly back in the room with a scared consultant. I managed to get back to the relative safety of “Das Motel”. Next thing I know I’m awake on the floor and my face is fucking killing. It transpires that I passed out, banged my head and then managed to carpet-burn my face on the course carpet. Then proceeded to have the most fucked up morning of my life.

One second I was on my knees looking for things to bring to D’s house. Then she phoned me. Then I started getting scared. Then D was in the hotel room and stood behind me asking questions. If I was going to be there yet. Next flash. I’m suddenly on the road, I’m near the motorway. I don’t need the motorway. Blackout. Next flash about 20 minutes down the motorway. WTF am I doing here? Blackout. Cars beeping horns. I slammed on the brakes a lot, and my chest was sore from the seat belt. Suddenly I’m at D’s house. Then a knock at the door with a police officer standing there. “A lot of worried people have been looking for you. You don’t have your medication or your phone”. Then I was just talking gibberish at this point. The officer took me back to the motel and left the car outside of D’s house. I refused to go to the hospital despite his protests as my head was pretty dinged up. Agree for an ambulance to check me over. He waited with me till he was called onto his next job. He told the food truck I was sitting next to, to keep an eye on me. Same with the reception staff so I don’t wander off somewhere dangerous.

The brain slowly destressing. Hands working. Text D back that I’m alive and I am thankful she called the police when she couldn’t get hold of me. So. This triggered a few things. 1. not allowed out for a while, 2. if I have a seizure I need to sit somewhere and not move. The following Monday I had an army of phone calls from different agencies. My main one called me and told me he had the police report and that I was driving around randomly on the motorway network. They were tracking me on the ANPR cameras all the way home. No action was taken but no license. The doctor phoned and we talked for a good 30 minutes going over things, he said he has to tell the driving agency that I can’t drive with my FND condition, they can’t take the risk of it happening again. It was a miracle in the first place that no one was hurt. He raised a good point, he asked “Do you even remember getting into the car?” and no, I don’t, which is scary.

So that’s that. I’m seeing the consultant again this Friday and he’s bringing a friend. This is awesome because it went so well stressing out about it last time that it triggered me. If I’m getting blackout vibes then I’m cancelling.

That is why I haven’t posted till now as I can’t remember a lot of the things that happened that night and day. The stuff I do remember is all disjointed and like a gap in my memory. Sure that’s going to bite me in the arse one day in a flashback.

I’ll ease myself back into blogging. Should help maintain routine which has got me through the past week. Today I woke up really dizzy and it’s not gone away. So I accepted today would be an off day where I do things that calm me down. Like looking at the trading card collection I’m mid-sorting out. Masterchef, music, lots and lots of music.

Hope you’ve all had a good weekend.


Photo by Kat Smith on Pexels.com

The big bad wolf vs The Black dog

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I did it. I managed to get up, have breakfast, two teas and a coffee and got dressed nicely for the consultant I saw at 9.30. Because they are building ( and god is a vengeful god) on the carparks the closest I could get was a 15-minute walk with a stick. I winched as every time I moved it felt like daggers. Got to K block to be told to go back outside loop around this building and be there. Looked a my watch. 9.20.Dammit Asked the guy to call the consultant’s office to know I’ll be five minutes late. Came out, a frikkin gradient and not in my favour! I stopped a few times but oh the feeling when you sit down is amazing. All your backbones melt away and you are hallucinating. I started getting anxious and angry with myself.

What if he won’t listen? what if he doesn’t know what he’s talking about? Little niggles popping me in the head. Finally, I was guided to yet another bad seat in what resembles a containment space. We made eye contact, well done, keep going. He confirmed some data with me, over twenty calls to the crisis team always make for great conversation. the fractured English was flowing. I then did what I didn’t want to happen. A goddam seizure. In the middle of a mental health assessment. I tried to deal with it as best as I could. I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands. I slowly started saying no repeatedly and just as all the periphery started turning black. I felt the fud of a hand on my shoulder, The doctor was asking what he needed to do, can he get me water, and things like that. 5 minutes and it was over. I blacked out but any for a few moments. My eyes were flickering in the back of my head but yeah that was too real.

Now this poor poor doctor, all of 25-29 years old had no clue what the hell he’d just seen. I just simply said, “Remember when you asked about FND? That’s some of the messed up stuff it makes me do, it is real and a very scary prospect. So we carried on talking about things, he loves fishing as well but hasn’t had the chance yet as he has only been in the UK for 9 months. We walked through the meds and I explained what is for what. We chatted about other stuff but didn’t realise the time when it got to nearly 11 am from 9.30 am. Which is odd as usually, it’s okay we will increase x and discharge. I’m pushing for an A.D.D diagnosis to go along with BPD, PTSD etc. Simply to be able to access resources faster. That, as I said, is a deal breaker. If they feel I have theN I can start lowering three-quarters of my meds and just survive on either a single pill from them.
He said he’d call me on Friday after he’d spoken to his colleagues. Will be interesting. He suggested an anti-epileptic tablet but explained it isn’t like that.

So. I went out, I got to my appointment, I attended and engaged. I hid back in the car but then went straight to Doti’s house and sorted the dogs out. Ended up sleeping on the sofa for an hour and then got on with my charity homework. Then went shopping at Asda and succeeded!

In agony now and should probably rest tomorrow. See how the legs are.

Personal torment, mental health by Library of Congress is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

Halfway house

Andy Young1 Comment

I’m trying to sleep but I’m struggling. I don’t want the Valium as I’ll just get hung over again like I was all this morning. It’s fine when you have nothing to do the next day but I’ve got stuff that needs to get done

Problem one: I need to wake up at or before 9:30 a.m. to speak to Mental Health services about seeing the consultant for an assessment. I can’t for the life of me figure out what for. Is there some magic wand or stick he points at me and poof suddenly I’m okay again. I’m depressed because I lost my independence with FND crippling me, my wife left, living in a motel while the council find me a flat and yeah to me that is a lot going which explains the depression. Am I thinking of killing myself? yes but that’s just thoughts, I’m not taking active steps in following through on plans. So back to the question at hand. Why do I need to see him? My meds are fine, don’t mess with them they are working. If I wanted a chat I’d call the mental health helpline.

Problem two: I need to find a laundrette that collects my dirty washing and drops it off all nice and clean. There are no facilities here to wash your clothes which is fair enough. Unless I wait till Wednesday and wash them while I’m at Doti’s house. My house. The house, old house. And use the machine we have there. It’s only two loads so should have it done by home time. Unless I come on Tuesday and stay, but then I need to be at the office. Hmm. I’ll find a laundrette and get it sorted. I think my social worker found one…. I remember he did and texted me the number. So will ring them and see what the deal is.

Problem three: Meeting with a social worker. I can’t remember which one I’m meeting (currently 3) tomorrow and where. Usually, it’s a place just down the road from where I used to live. There are offices there and even a cafe inside. All are hidden behind the main street. I know it’s at 1 pm. So mass text would be the solution.

Problem four: Insomnia. No caffeine drinks after 7 p.m. Make an appointment with the doctor.

Problem five: Exercise. Part of the recovery is to get the strength back in my body to move around. I can hobble a short distance but need to find a way of doing it but seating is available every hundred feet or so. That way I woke fall over and collapse. I would love to walk down the main road and do it but I checked today and there are no benches. Maybe a park would be better. I’ll have a look online and see if there are any good ones. I think there is one with a lake that has benches along it so I could try that.

Thank you for reading my boring list of chores. I’ll attempt to sleep now. It’s warm. There is no breeze. Agh.

Blue Bear

Andy Young1 Comment

The cooling stand that I bought for the beast of a laptop came today. At
least I think it was today, yes, definitely today. I ordered a mouse to go with
it as well which makes a big difference. So it’s all good now, I can play my
games, have more than one tab open and generally not start a fire in the motel
room. That would be bad. The smoke detector has already been taped so I can
vape at ease in here otherwise I would go mad. The cooling stand is pretty cool
(get the JK there) as it has six fans and LEDs in them. So it looks like something
from a hacker movie in the 90s. All about the stereotypes. I’m having fun with
the fan controls. Make it sound like a plane engine or quiet as a whisper.
Since I listen to music all the time here, the plane engine is. Things here at
the motel are still a bit rough and scary at times. Lots of screaming and
shouting from the room to my left; a young girl and her mum don’t seem to get
along very well although that’s just based on the shouting and crying. To my
right I have the drunk who snores, coughs up flem constantly and can hear
stumbling about. Today they (other people) were trying to get into people’s rooms,
obviously drunk, as they used their keys thinking they had this magical power
to open any door- a skeleton key. Then they would bang on the door in
frustration. They did it to mine. I have this secure lock from Amazon which
when combined with the lock makes it impossible to unlock from the outside.
Well. Unless they kick the door down or do a ‘Heres Johnny’ skit. I sleep
better with it on and having music on helps. Although now the fans are on it
drowns them out as well.

Proud of myself today. After a wobble this morning from Ben. He started
having the misophonia thing again, where he’s super alert to any noises, which
invoke his fight or flight response and goes ape. He starts kicking his door
really hard and screaming out the window. I was with the dogs downstairs and
they went batshit crazy. I shouted up at Ben, then had to text D to calm him
down as he triggered my FND and I started drooling like an idiot and not being
able to type on my phone. He left the house for fresh air, and he came back an
hour later (he did check in on WhatsApp that he went to the shop with some
money he ‘found’) all calm and his usual self. I was still a bit of a mess.
Then D’s mum and boyfriend came in without D and they don’t speak English. Got
a hug from them both. Ben came down and had hugs too. Then they sprang into
action, picking up dog poo, tidying and started mowing the back. All in like 5
minutes of arriving. I in my lovely lameness just sat down awkwardly as they were
doing jobs I should be doing but I can’t do any more. D came back and I left. I
resisted the urge to go to Asda and pick up alcohol. It was tempting but I
resisted. Not going to be that guy. So that’s why I’m proud of myself today.

This is a good one. My brother, the slag, phoned me and we spoke for 45
minutes about lots of different things that for reasons of privacy I won’t go
into. It was nice talking to him though. Not a lot of people I can talk to on
the phone. Owen has phone issues, D isn’t going to like to talk and yeah that’s
it. The stuff I can say like talking about the past and moving on, how he’s
doing well in his job and his drinking is more under control. It was nice to
hear that he has a positive outlook on things.

Right. Meetings tomorrow about training. Bed.

 

QOTD – Sort of

Andy Young1 Comment

The question of the day was about nicknames. I don’t really have one, I did in high school but those days are long gone and bring back unpleasant memories. I’d like a nickname. I often wonder what people would call me if they knew me. The bitter man. That’s an appropriate one. I guess it would make me feel socially connected. For that, I would need friends. Of which I have one. Who doesn’t live anywhere near me? I need to take people’s advice and start going to groups and things. Not only to get me out of the house but to meet people as well. I managed to go out yesterday, D took me to an appointment in town and I hobble about a bit but managed it. The next step is the park again if I can work up the motivation as fatigue and FND symptoms are playing up today.

See I work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday from 10am to 2pm. All online at the moment, we have a nice system setup but it would be nice to go to the office on Tuesday and Wednesday, at least for a few hours. On Friday they run a food bank thing in the morning at one of the buildings in the city center for the homeless, so wanted to go to that. Be more involved. Today I also managed to update the side project website. I’m trying to make it a repository of digital articles for people to access as a resource. It’s called Busy Bee Tech but need to get it noticed somehow. I’m alright with with SEO in terms of putting tags on things but open to advice on how to get it in front of people. I’ve set it up so it posts to LinkedIn so was hoping to pick up traffic that way or should I throw a few pounds at an advert? wouldn’t know where to start. It’s odd. I used to do this stuff and the knowledge is fragmented at best.

I have a secret addiction to buying trading cards. Well. Guess it’s not that secret when you see the collection. But in recent weeks, I’ve been using the spare money I have to buy Pokemon cards, DC Heroes cards, and some other bits. That in itself isn’t the weird thing. The weird thing is that I haven’t opened them. I have four boxes each with various packet amounts in them. It’s weird because usually I would have ripped them open the moment I received them and put them into a binder. I guess I lack the interest anymore? or I’m waiting for the right moment. Like when x is done then I’ll do it. Right now, as soon as I get my housing sorted I can open them. But that might take months. Weird.

Rambliiiiiing.

Sorry about the increasingly bad short stories, they made the last of them REALLY difficult to do. But tried my best.

I had another FND thing today. The left side of the body went numb for 30 minutes. No other symptoms with it so I’ll take that as a sign it wasn’t a stroke. Stupid illness.

Enough stalling

Andy Young5 Comments

I’ve been meaning to do a post all day but keep finding ways to avoid it. Why? I have no idea. The short stories are nearing an end. Thank god. I’ve pre-written and scheduled the last of them and my god they were hard, the last ones, you’ll see.

It’s raining. Which I love. The dogs are less so because one of them, Dobby, doesn’t like rain. He won’t go outside, he’ll run off if you open the garden door and hide somewhere. Hopefully, it will stop soon and I can try and walk them. I managed a walk with D the other day where I had Dobby because she’s small and using only one stick. Managed to do it so was very proud of myself. So will try them one at a time, with a stick and my phone in case I fall over. Let’s see how we get on.

I called the crisis line again but had to leave a message. Must be a weekend with no doctors available so everyone calls them. Just waiting for the call back now and I can chat my lovely depressed head off to them and see what jovial advice they will have for me.

Now. Something to do till the rain stops. I’m aware you can walk the dogs in the rain but I’d rather not be pulled and slip on the grass with the stick so am being sensible. If it doesn’t stop then D will have to retake them.

My left side is feeling numb all of a sudden. I get anxiety attacks over the random symptoms. If I have a mental health problem I have a toolbox of things that will sort it out before it gets to dangerous levels. Like the crisis line, counting things, taking PRN meds, and music. But with the FND I have nothing as of yet that I can use apart from “Sit down” and have missing time again thus pushing the no-driving button which I sorely need to do. So what do I do? Ignore it? cope with the symptoms till they stop? then it’s just a matter of getting used to it. How do you get used to fucking stroke symptoms? Argh.

Started talking to dickhead (brother) and held a decent conversation for once. We both agreed it would be nice for him to spend some time with Ben as he is his uncle and then I can spend some time with the brother as well. We don’t have any more family. Not in the sense of, oh I can call such and such. Mum and Dad, Gran x2, Grand Dad x2, various uncles and aunts. So it’s just me, him, and our half-sister from my dad’s side. We don’t talk much. We do the birthday niceties. I’ll drop her a message today as it’s been a while. She lives up in Scotland. It might be nice to go and see her for coffee or lunch. Should have that as a goal.

The left side has corrected itself and is left with tremors making it hard to type. Or re-type. Thank god for Grammarly.

FND Awareness

Andy Young1 Comment

FND stands for Functional Neurological Disorder. It’s a neurological condition that causes physical symptoms that mimic those of other neurological disorders, such as multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, and stroke. However, there is no structural damage to the brain or nervous system in people with FND.

The symptoms of FND can be very serious and can have a significant impact on a person’s life. For example, someone with FND may experience weakness or paralysis in one or more limbs, seizures, sensory disturbances, problems with balance or coordination, difficulty speaking or swallowing, or mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression.

The cause of FND is not fully understood, but it is thought to be caused by a combination of factors, including stress, trauma, psychological factors, and genetic factors.