Tag: stress

I’m only happy when it rains.

Andy Young3 Comments

Hello world.

I can finally stare at the screen in all its white glory and type at the same time. The sore head has healed. Although I have a bang on my head again. Side of my head this time, weird place to bang. must have been against the wall when I was sleeping. I sleep in this real messed up position thanks to months on the sofa. Curled up, head pressed against the wall. Like a sofa shape. Well, a sleeping on the sofa kind of shape. Best friend said it’ll take a while for the body to adjust. Hope so. Laying down normally causes lower back spasms.


Oh OH while I’m on it. The back brace came in today while I was dog sitting. Put it on, after a lot of faff it didn’t work. The pain still came in, loud and clear as usual. I tried it a few more times during the day but same result. You must line it up perfectly to get the splint to sit in the right spot. Now with someone with reduced left side strength, trying to pull as tightly as I can on the stretchy belt.. yeah, I slapped myself in the face a few times. SO back it goes from whence it came.
Crap. Two tea bags left. Somehow, I will try and survive the night. But morning. That’ll be a hard one. I’m still doing coffee and tea in the morning, then coffee from the bean to cup all day then tea in the evenings. Yorkshire tea that is.

I was supposed to go out with a friend for dinner, but my head is feeling like crap at the moment. Thoughts are scattered, repeated trips to the house not helping with memories and I’m having all sorts of weird body problems lately. My right arm had been dead all day. I could dip my fingers in boiling hot water and didn’t feel a thing. My whole right hand and forearm are just numb. It’s a bit better now but the tips are still numb. Probably another side effect. See how it is tomorrow, might have just slept weird.


Some photos I came by today:

I miss my computer and the heavily abused stream deck, also the pretty town you see is Pandy Tudur over in north Wales where we used to live. I had a drone and was messing around with it above the house and took the shot.


The dogs are the constantly mentioned Dobby and Nina that I seem to spend my days dog sitting! I don’t mind the company to be honest. Nina has an early appointment with the vet. She’ll be put under and then her teeth sorted out. She’s missing a few and we think it needs a closer look because she is being fussy about chewing. Hopefully, she will be ok and won’t die from the anaesthetic.

Blue Bear

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The cooling stand that I bought for the beast of a laptop came today. At
least I think it was today, yes, definitely today. I ordered a mouse to go with
it as well which makes a big difference. So it’s all good now, I can play my
games, have more than one tab open and generally not start a fire in the motel
room. That would be bad. The smoke detector has already been taped so I can
vape at ease in here otherwise I would go mad. The cooling stand is pretty cool
(get the JK there) as it has six fans and LEDs in them. So it looks like something
from a hacker movie in the 90s. All about the stereotypes. I’m having fun with
the fan controls. Make it sound like a plane engine or quiet as a whisper.
Since I listen to music all the time here, the plane engine is. Things here at
the motel are still a bit rough and scary at times. Lots of screaming and
shouting from the room to my left; a young girl and her mum don’t seem to get
along very well although that’s just based on the shouting and crying. To my
right I have the drunk who snores, coughs up flem constantly and can hear
stumbling about. Today they (other people) were trying to get into people’s rooms,
obviously drunk, as they used their keys thinking they had this magical power
to open any door- a skeleton key. Then they would bang on the door in
frustration. They did it to mine. I have this secure lock from Amazon which
when combined with the lock makes it impossible to unlock from the outside.
Well. Unless they kick the door down or do a ‘Heres Johnny’ skit. I sleep
better with it on and having music on helps. Although now the fans are on it
drowns them out as well.

Proud of myself today. After a wobble this morning from Ben. He started
having the misophonia thing again, where he’s super alert to any noises, which
invoke his fight or flight response and goes ape. He starts kicking his door
really hard and screaming out the window. I was with the dogs downstairs and
they went batshit crazy. I shouted up at Ben, then had to text D to calm him
down as he triggered my FND and I started drooling like an idiot and not being
able to type on my phone. He left the house for fresh air, and he came back an
hour later (he did check in on WhatsApp that he went to the shop with some
money he ‘found’) all calm and his usual self. I was still a bit of a mess.
Then D’s mum and boyfriend came in without D and they don’t speak English. Got
a hug from them both. Ben came down and had hugs too. Then they sprang into
action, picking up dog poo, tidying and started mowing the back. All in like 5
minutes of arriving. I in my lovely lameness just sat down awkwardly as they were
doing jobs I should be doing but I can’t do any more. D came back and I left. I
resisted the urge to go to Asda and pick up alcohol. It was tempting but I
resisted. Not going to be that guy. So that’s why I’m proud of myself today.

This is a good one. My brother, the slag, phoned me and we spoke for 45
minutes about lots of different things that for reasons of privacy I won’t go
into. It was nice talking to him though. Not a lot of people I can talk to on
the phone. Owen has phone issues, D isn’t going to like to talk and yeah that’s
it. The stuff I can say like talking about the past and moving on, how he’s
doing well in his job and his drinking is more under control. It was nice to
hear that he has a positive outlook on things.

Right. Meetings tomorrow about training. Bed.

 

Shorty Story: About calm

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I was sitting in my living room, reading a book, when I heard a loud noise outside. I jumped up and ran to the window, but I couldn’t see anything. I started to feel my heart racing and my palms sweating. I was starting to panic.

I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down. I reminded myself that there was probably nothing to worry about. But it was hard to stay calm. The noise had scared me, and I couldn’t shake the feeling of anxiety.

I decided to go outside and see if I could find out what had happened. I walked around the neighborhood, but I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. I was starting to feel a little silly for being so worked up.

I went back inside and sat down on the couch. I took a few more deep breaths and tried to relax. I closed my eyes and imagined myself in a calm place. I thought about the beach, and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore.

Slowly, I started to feel my body relax. My heart rate slowed down, and my palms stopped sweating. I opened my eyes and felt much calmer.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. When I’m feeling anxious, it’s important to take a few deep breaths and try to calm down. I can’t control everything that happens in the world, but I can control how I react to it. And if I can stay calm, I’ll be much better able to deal with whatever comes my way.

FND Awareness

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FND stands for Functional Neurological Disorder. It’s a neurological condition that causes physical symptoms that mimic those of other neurological disorders, such as multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, and stroke. However, there is no structural damage to the brain or nervous system in people with FND.

The symptoms of FND can be very serious and can have a significant impact on a person’s life. For example, someone with FND may experience weakness or paralysis in one or more limbs, seizures, sensory disturbances, problems with balance or coordination, difficulty speaking or swallowing, or mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression.

The cause of FND is not fully understood, but it is thought to be caused by a combination of factors, including stress, trauma, psychological factors, and genetic factors.

Short Story: About mistakes

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I was so excited to start my new job as a software engineer. I had been working hard for this opportunity, and I was eager to prove myself.

I was assigned to a team that was working on a new project. The project was due in a few weeks, and we were all under a lot of pressure to get it done.

I was working on a particularly complex piece of code, and I was feeling a lot of stress. I was so focused on getting the code right that I didn’t notice that I had made a mistake.

When I finally finished the code, I ran it through the compiler. The tests failed, and I realized that I had made a mistake.

I was so disappointed in myself. I had let my team down, and I had jeopardized the success of the project.

I went to my manager and told him what I had done. He was understanding, but he told me that I would have to fix the mistake.

I worked late into the night to fix the mistake. I was so tired, but I knew that I had to get it right.

Finally, I fixed the mistake, and the tests passed. I was so relieved, but I knew that I had learned my lesson.

I had made a mistake, and I had to pay the price. But I also learned that it’s important to own up to your mistakes and learn from them

Expectations

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I’m having some major anxiety issues at the moment. I’m sure my leg shaking can be heard from miles around. It’s on hyperdrive mode at the moment, when it’s not shaking my soul is trying to escape through from my stomach. Soul. Stomach. The demon might be better tbh. I just need to try and take my mind off it for a few minutes to calm it down, I’ve got music on but not loud as the kids are home. Usually, my go-to is my headphones but if I put them on I’m scared the kids will stand behind me and when I turn around they’ll scream or do some scary shit and I’ll freak out. So headphones are a no-go at the moment.

I think the dogs know something is up. Well. Nina does anyway, she keeps coming over and nudging me. Usually, she just sits in the corner staring. Dobby has found himself a sock and is currently chewing it. I tried to play fetch but she wasn’t having non of it and sat down for a good long chew. What do you do if a dog swallows a sock? it’s a big sock. I’m overthinking it.

D came back at 3am from her holiday with S in Greece. Staring at them is so painful it burns my skin. The word lobster comes to mind. Just pure sunburn everywhere! I gave S some cream this morning that D left out for her. She’s not going to school today as it would be torture with her sunburn putting on the uniform. Hopefully, she’ll be fine to go tomorrow. B is still at home as his school has an extra week off. So I’ve been watching him play different games and amused him since I’ve come back, well, since D left for Greece BUT OMG best present ever, 3 counterfeit packets of Pokemon cards to go in my weird and bizarre collection of cards. Just been through them now. They are quite good to play with but they are so golden that it makes it hard to read the writing on the cards. Awesome present.

Today is the 8th anniversary of me and D getting married. Aww. It has actually flown past but it’s a nice reminder to see how long we’ve been together. I do love her and hope we have many more in the future! We agreed to celebrate it later in the month as she’s shattered (amongst other things) and won’t be home till late.

I feel a bit better. Well no. no I don’t. But I did for a few minutes while I was typing it up. Thank you for listening.

The kid I used to know

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Hello.

It’s been a few days since I last posted. I just wasn’t feeling it when trying to put thoughts onto paper. Well. Computer screen. You get the idea. Things are a bit better now. I still don’t feel right but nowhere near as bad as I was. I can manage to sit, stand and walk. I can also talk without too much slur unless I am stressed. There are some things that I will need to accept. One of them is that this will happen again when I don’t know, but it will be something to live with. Secondly, the strain that this has placed on the family will never be the same again and is now subject to terms of a “review” in September to see if I can stay in the family.

I’m not sure what to call what happened. Technically my central nervous system spasmed and caused stroke-like effects on my body which has taken ages to process and heal. There is no medication I can take for it, nor is there any treatment that I can undertake. I can try and find out what caused the spasm in the first place but they are indicating that stress has a significant effect. Which I didn’t know. I didn’t think that something mental could affect something physical in that way. The strange sounds I make seem to come along when I’m stressed. This is new, something that has only been a few months old. I can’t control it but if questioned about it makes me do it more. If I get racing thoughts then it happens constantly.

Must be a stress-related thing then. So avoid high-stress situations in a house with two teenagers, two dogs who bark randomly, and yeah. On top of all that doesn’t make for a stress-free life. I don’t think I’ll find the solution by hiding from it and leaving which leaves me the option of coping skills. I’ll need to do some Googling and see what is out there. The CMHT team has been in touch and they are trying to prioritize psychotherapy which so helped me in the past. That’s one thing. I need a few. Meditation helps but not at the moment something stress-related happens, only after, and then it’s really hard. So I need to find a stress reliever that works quickly and I can use it at the point of it occurring or thereabout. Medication. I could take a valium the moment it happens but then it would also zone me out. Unless I take a small amount, 2mg per event? multiple events in one day could be an issue, there would have to be a limit. The most you can take is around 30mg in one day, so I would be popping the 2mgs like sweets but it could in theory work. The problem then is tolerance levels would rapidly rise up and render it useless. It could though, work in the short term while I wait for treatment from the hospital’s mental health team. Possible. Will need to call the dr and check if that’s an acceptable solution.

I’m now struggling with thoughts of the following nature:

  1. Usefulness. D has automated the household to the point where it can survive without me. This was done, I hope, in kindness, not malice. I now struggle to think about what I can provide the household besides being useless and unnecessary.
  2. What is the point of all this? Verging on existential problems. Actually no it’s 100% an existential problem.
  3. This list is shorter than I expected it to be. I’ll take that as a good thing.

So my list is pretty much how to contribute to the household, find my place in the world, and understand why we exist.

In a nutshell.

QOTD

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Daily writing prompt
Describe something you learned in high school.
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That no one pays attention to you if you stay out of the way.

Well not out of the way, but under the radar. See, I went from popular kid in primary school to popular kid till I was like 13, then the drinking started and then I went to loner. Well. One or two friends and some acquaintances. By being under the radar it allowed me to leave school whenever I wanted. In retrospect I would have done things so differently. I guess that is probably true for everyone. I learned that teachers can hold grudges against you. I learned that because my brother (Dickhead) was bad at school that the teachers automatically assumed I would be and gave me poor grades.

I also learned, looking back, that when the teacher was in tears telling me off it was probably because she was having a bad day or something in her personal life went wrong. I didn’t know that at the time. Its a memory that has stuck with me. Especially now with D training to become a teacher. I can see the level of stress involved in planning and running a lesson. I wish I just didn’t give the teacher a hard time. It was Welsh class.

I learned that you could bypass the security software on the computers so you could access anything you wanted online. This was back in the 90s.

How about you guys?