This poem really resonates so I’m sharing it on here so I don’t lose it. I know poetry isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but once in a while you come across one that makes you feel something. For me, this is one of them.
Beautiful poem
Tag: depression
Its in the kool aid. Leadership 101.
Yes. Yes, I do.
See I’m fortunate, some may disagree with that, taking an obscene amount of medication daily. Any fears, anxiety or doubts are usually fleeting. When the crunch comes I always rise to the call. I’m terrible on a 121 basis, but in a group setting, herding people into groups to accomplish tasks whilst focussing on the bigger picture has never really been a problem. Most jobs in my life have been fiendishly stressful and draining. Thanks to those medications it made me inebriated and loose enough to function well.
Head of marketing and IT was my hardest job, leading a team of coders, designers and tech staff gave me a lot of pleasure in seeing how well we all worked together. Because of that great team work, I was able to relax and the 121 stuff wasn’t so bad in the end.
I’m not afraid to be the first one to say Yes! or speak up in a room. I am likely to talk over you to be heard. I can and will be a twat. The total opposite of what I am outside of work. I’m defensive of my team and would take a hit for them frequently. I would use my bonus to buy them things, flowers, toys, and spa days. We would have a monthly meal somewhere nice for lunch.
Unfortunately, you then get jealous people, such as an operations director, who had no control over my team become very rattled and insecure. He pushed me at every turn to leave the company and eventually after my mental health ‘broke’ I was gone. Huh. In a previous answer to QOTD I said I had no grudges. He has a grudge. Down and down I plummeted to a lifestyle of drugs, unhealthy coping skills and struggling to keep going. I self-harmed excessively, dabbled in suicide and was unstable.
Huh. Can see why the wife left me rea…………. When the hell did this post become so damn depressing.
Are you a leader?
Yes. Yes I believe I am
Done.
Released without charge
I’m back. I’ve had my little sulk and feeling sorry for myself but that is over now. I know the words weren’t said in malice but in no way did that detract from the painfulness of the words. I’ve decided not to tell the person involved because, well, I took the insult that wasn’t meant and forgive them in my absence.
The heat is still here! I have proclaimed so many times I’m not a fan of the heat but omg it has to go. It’s just a constant heat all day, every day for the past 4-5 days. I can cope during the day but at night time, it’s just awful. I never understood why Britain is always lagging behind other countries, Most modern countries have air conditioning but no. Not Britain. We have to be different and treat it as an extravagance. Maybe that’s down to the climate here. But if warmer summers are going to be hitting us every year then I can see a massive rise in sales! Must remember to buy shares in air conditioning companies in the UK.
I’ve spent Friday to Saturday at Doti’s house with the kids. There was a huge argument at 10 a.m. about noise. Ben is over-sensitive again with this dysphonia. I hate that condition. I truly do. So he was screaming because Suzi was on call with her friends. So went to check with Suzi and she was on Netflix. Asked her to put in headphones as it was late and got a whole load of abuse and a door being slammed in my face. I cannot begin to describe the anger one feels as a door is slammed in one’s face. Fuck me. I lost my temper and proceeded to explain I would rip the door off, followed by trying to punch through the door till there was silence. Headphones had gone in. Internet access is cut off at 11 pm on non-school nights and apart from Ben coming down in the middle of the night for a glass of water and a hug, it passed with ease. I forgot how much heat the house holds. Faced with the demonic bone-twisting sofa it took me ages to fall asleep. Then I remembered I hadn’t taken my evening meds so was out like a lamp after taking them.
I’m guessing most people can read behind the lines when Doti doesn’t come back till the next day, that she isn’t staying at her mums like I tell the kids. It’s an odd feeling. The person you love is staying over at her boyfriend’s house whilst you sleep in a house steeped in memories of the relationship you had. Still loving this person who you would do anything for, your wife still legally, has a boyfriend. Your thoughts constantly annoy you with regret and pain. You know there is nothing you can do about it but just plod on. Just when you think you have it covered. Boom. Can you stay over while I go to my boyfriend’s house? Yeah thanks, see you later. Ugh. I’ll get over it. Just feels weird and wrong for me at the moment.
I was depressed about everything Friday night. Probably contributed to the now bruised knuckles on both hands. Then didn’t sleep well at the house and when I got back to the motel I was distraught. I called the mental health crisis line and spoke to them for what seemed like an hour. They called me back a couple of times to make sure I was okay. I took a bunch of PRN meds, which is what they are there for, fell asleep, watched MasterChef and managed to schedule a couple of posts on here.
I’m still pretty low at the moment but plans to end my life are on pause. I’ve decided to work through and the pros & cons have helped. It’ll just take a few days and some space if that’s even possible. I have my consultant and CPN on Monday, and right after that, I have to go back to the house. That will trigger and the whole fucking week will be groundhog day. I have work to do for the charity almost every day of the week, next week, as there is a backlog of device requests I need to unblock.
I’ve missed out on seeing Rebecca today because of the depressed stuff. She’s the one person who has never seen me at my worst. I just don’t have it in me to be normal today. Which makes it even all the worse. Next weekend. Next Sunday. Things should be better by then. In the meantime, I’ll do some posts as that helps me 😊
QOTD – Puns needed
4 x 200mg Pregablin
3 x 30mg Codiene
2 x 5mg Valium
1 x Beer/Cider/Rum/Wine
In shorts and a vest, freezing outsie with the window open blowing the freezing air on me.
Lights off.
Bella sleeping next to me.
Thats the cat.
None of which I can do in this motel while they find me a place to live.
But that is as close as to perfection I’ll ever get for real relaxation.
I have issues.
I’m only happy when it rains.
Hello world.
I can finally stare at the screen in all its white glory and type at the same time. The sore head has healed. Although I have a bang on my head again. Side of my head this time, weird place to bang. must have been against the wall when I was sleeping. I sleep in this real messed up position thanks to months on the sofa. Curled up, head pressed against the wall. Like a sofa shape. Well, a sleeping on the sofa kind of shape. Best friend said it’ll take a while for the body to adjust. Hope so. Laying down normally causes lower back spasms.
Oh OH while I’m on it. The back brace came in today while I was dog sitting. Put it on, after a lot of faff it didn’t work. The pain still came in, loud and clear as usual. I tried it a few more times during the day but same result. You must line it up perfectly to get the splint to sit in the right spot. Now with someone with reduced left side strength, trying to pull as tightly as I can on the stretchy belt.. yeah, I slapped myself in the face a few times. SO back it goes from whence it came.
Crap. Two tea bags left. Somehow, I will try and survive the night. But morning. That’ll be a hard one. I’m still doing coffee and tea in the morning, then coffee from the bean to cup all day then tea in the evenings. Yorkshire tea that is.
I was supposed to go out with a friend for dinner, but my head is feeling like crap at the moment. Thoughts are scattered, repeated trips to the house not helping with memories and I’m having all sorts of weird body problems lately. My right arm had been dead all day. I could dip my fingers in boiling hot water and didn’t feel a thing. My whole right hand and forearm are just numb. It’s a bit better now but the tips are still numb. Probably another side effect. See how it is tomorrow, might have just slept weird.
Some photos I came by today:
I miss my computer and the heavily abused stream deck, also the pretty town you see is Pandy Tudur over in north Wales where we used to live. I had a drone and was messing around with it above the house and took the shot.
The dogs are the constantly mentioned Dobby and Nina that I seem to spend my days dog sitting! I don’t mind the company to be honest. Nina has an early appointment with the vet. She’ll be put under and then her teeth sorted out. She’s missing a few and we think it needs a closer look because she is being fussy about chewing. Hopefully, she will be ok and won’t die from the anaesthetic.
Halfway house
I’m trying to sleep but I’m struggling. I don’t want the Valium as I’ll just get hung over again like I was all this morning. It’s fine when you have nothing to do the next day but I’ve got stuff that needs to get done
Problem one: I need to wake up at or before 9:30 a.m. to speak to Mental Health services about seeing the consultant for an assessment. I can’t for the life of me figure out what for. Is there some magic wand or stick he points at me and poof suddenly I’m okay again. I’m depressed because I lost my independence with FND crippling me, my wife left, living in a motel while the council find me a flat and yeah to me that is a lot going which explains the depression. Am I thinking of killing myself? yes but that’s just thoughts, I’m not taking active steps in following through on plans. So back to the question at hand. Why do I need to see him? My meds are fine, don’t mess with them they are working. If I wanted a chat I’d call the mental health helpline.
Problem two: I need to find a laundrette that collects my dirty washing and drops it off all nice and clean. There are no facilities here to wash your clothes which is fair enough. Unless I wait till Wednesday and wash them while I’m at Doti’s house. My house. The house, old house. And use the machine we have there. It’s only two loads so should have it done by home time. Unless I come on Tuesday and stay, but then I need to be at the office. Hmm. I’ll find a laundrette and get it sorted. I think my social worker found one…. I remember he did and texted me the number. So will ring them and see what the deal is.
Problem three: Meeting with a social worker. I can’t remember which one I’m meeting (currently 3) tomorrow and where. Usually, it’s a place just down the road from where I used to live. There are offices there and even a cafe inside. All are hidden behind the main street. I know it’s at 1 pm. So mass text would be the solution.
Problem four: Insomnia. No caffeine drinks after 7 p.m. Make an appointment with the doctor.
Problem five: Exercise. Part of the recovery is to get the strength back in my body to move around. I can hobble a short distance but need to find a way of doing it but seating is available every hundred feet or so. That way I woke fall over and collapse. I would love to walk down the main road and do it but I checked today and there are no benches. Maybe a park would be better. I’ll have a look online and see if there are any good ones. I think there is one with a lake that has benches along it so I could try that.
Thank you for reading my boring list of chores. I’ll attempt to sleep now. It’s warm. There is no breeze. Agh.
1. Current relationship status?
I think the technical word for it is separate. Then once the paperwork comes through and it’s all official with the courts then it’s Divorce. Unless someone contests it when the divorce paperwork comes through. I wouldn’t do something like that, would I? Not like someone went off and had an affair before the paperwork or even a notice of being divorced.
So for that to make any sense I’ll give you an exciting look at my marriage and personal life:
Met in 2007
Together in 2010
Sort of, sort of not 2011
Together in 2012
Married in 2015
Separated in 2023
The longest relationship I have ever had actually. D had been married before, she had an affair with me and I cheated on what would be R’s mum with D. 2011 is and was the most fucked up year of my life, the lies I made, the things I did and the people saw. Madness. There was always one constant and that was D. She was pure in my mind, a candle flame that can’t be blown out because that would make the world a darker place. Day two of divorce she blew her candle out.
I should have been there more. I should have given her what she needed.
No one wins in a breakup. Well, maybe those with friends they keep in reserve.
So single. I’ve sworn off women for now. For a long while. I heard once was one year of a relationship is equal to one month of getting over. So we’ll go for 2012, 11 months to get over the relationship. That’s fair. About the same as the hospital said my recovery would be. I still don’t understand the recovery period. Does that mean that I am miraculously going to be able to walk without searing back pain? Oh, I was quite actually impressed. I went to the garage next door which has a shop built in, I was struggling with the basket, walking about. My back was in complete agony. I got to the till and I swear I was going to ask them for a chair. Thankfully the guy took my shopping bagged it for me and put the basket back. It’s things like that that help. I managed to get back to the motel, room and then I faceplanted on the bed for ten minutes.
I’ll have to have a look online and see if there are some exercises that I can do with my back or if it’s just keep walking till it improves. I do walk every day now. Maybe a gym with a running machine. I can hold onto the sides if I need to and then start at level one again and try. I’ll ask my social worker if they have any offers on gyms. Or a discount as I’ll just be using one machine.
Oh yeah talking about relationships. Yup, this was the longest one. Since I’m 40 my options are pretty limited unless I make it big with Bitcoin, lottery or good looks & hypnotism. Of which I have none. So I’ll exist until Allah/God/Chukulu puts someone in my path.
Who am I kidding? A photocopy of D would be awesome. She was perfect and I lost her. Stupid body.
God. I could do with a bottle of wine or two. Never thought in my life I would ever be craving wine. Most normal men crave beer, buy it, drink it, sleep. I wish it was simple. But wine is the weapon of choice. Or rum. Rum, I can drink from the bottle. Although is nicer with ice and a snifter of coke. Snfiter. Coke. They probably belong in a sentence somewhere but not here, I am not a snifter of coke. Never have, never will. Pharmaceuticals is a different game. That is one that I abuse with hilarious consequences. And it’s all legal as well:
Risperidone, twice a day.
Sertraline, two in the morning.
Promazine, four times a day.
Procyclidine, twice a day.
Propranolol, three times a day.
Cyclizine, three times a day,
Pro Banthine, four times a day,
Codeine, up to four times a day as needed,
Pregabalin, three times a day
Diazepam 5mg, once a day
Diazepam 2mg, three times a day
So 31 tablets. In a day. #FML
Home
Not crappy poem #9
Depression, black dog, go back to hell
From whence you came, I’m not your kin
I’ve fought you off before, and I will again
I’m stronger than you, you’re just a stain
I’m not going to let you win this time
I’m going to fight back with all my might
I’m going to take back my life, it’s mine
I decide my own destiny, not you
So go away, depression, and never return
I’m done with you, I’m moving on
I’m going to live my life to the fullest
And nothing is going to stop me, not even you.
Fuck the beast, that is you, to hell you go.
Enough stalling
I’ve been meaning to do a post all day but keep finding ways to avoid it. Why? I have no idea. The short stories are nearing an end. Thank god. I’ve pre-written and scheduled the last of them and my god they were hard, the last ones, you’ll see.
It’s raining. Which I love. The dogs are less so because one of them, Dobby, doesn’t like rain. He won’t go outside, he’ll run off if you open the garden door and hide somewhere. Hopefully, it will stop soon and I can try and walk them. I managed a walk with D the other day where I had Dobby because she’s small and using only one stick. Managed to do it so was very proud of myself. So will try them one at a time, with a stick and my phone in case I fall over. Let’s see how we get on.
I called the crisis line again but had to leave a message. Must be a weekend with no doctors available so everyone calls them. Just waiting for the call back now and I can chat my lovely depressed head off to them and see what jovial advice they will have for me.
Now. Something to do till the rain stops. I’m aware you can walk the dogs in the rain but I’d rather not be pulled and slip on the grass with the stick so am being sensible. If it doesn’t stop then D will have to retake them.
My left side is feeling numb all of a sudden. I get anxiety attacks over the random symptoms. If I have a mental health problem I have a toolbox of things that will sort it out before it gets to dangerous levels. Like the crisis line, counting things, taking PRN meds, and music. But with the FND I have nothing as of yet that I can use apart from “Sit down” and have missing time again thus pushing the no-driving button which I sorely need to do. So what do I do? Ignore it? cope with the symptoms till they stop? then it’s just a matter of getting used to it. How do you get used to fucking stroke symptoms? Argh.
Started talking to dickhead (brother) and held a decent conversation for once. We both agreed it would be nice for him to spend some time with Ben as he is his uncle and then I can spend some time with the brother as well. We don’t have any more family. Not in the sense of, oh I can call such and such. Mum and Dad, Gran x2, Grand Dad x2, various uncles and aunts. So it’s just me, him, and our half-sister from my dad’s side. We don’t talk much. We do the birthday niceties. I’ll drop her a message today as it’s been a while. She lives up in Scotland. It might be nice to go and see her for coffee or lunch. Should have that as a goal.
The left side has corrected itself and is left with tremors making it hard to type. Or re-type. Thank god for Grammarly.
Shiney objects
So as you are probably aware I’m quite simple-minded when it comes to things. On Thursday I got a new keyboard and have been dying to try it out. So much so that I plugged a USB-c into a usb-a and shorted out the USB-c 1 TB SSD and two USB ports. Fantastic. I must say. So after swapping over a few things and putting a USB hub in the middle of everything I now have a working system again. Well. It was working before I broke it and the ports are shorted but aside from that we are cooking with gas.
Yesterday was D’s graduation. It was a very odd sort of feeling watching the woman you love, seeing her do it from start to finish, and now pending ex-wife, up on the stage. I was so proud of her as she finally got the graduation she deserved. When she got her first degree in 2020 they couldn’t do it because of covid, so this time round meant more. Plus personally, I think the PGCE was harder than the Bsc due to the dithering skill set. I managed to get around the town with stick, and Ds mum on occasion. That was a big success as it means I can do it. Shattered right now though from it. I suppose when you don’t do something for a while it takes a while to get it back!
|I’m struggling with what to say. I had a conversation, for lack of a better term, last night with D who reads the blog from time to time. She took offense to a post. The one about me falling over. My views on it haven’t changed and I don’t believe in typing anything that you wouldn’t say to someone’s face. The reality of losing my best friend & wife of 8 years seems very real. I know her reasons for it and there isn’t anything I can do about it unless I get rid of my disability. Which I can’t. So now I’m upset and getting depressed about it as it’s just another thing on top of everything. But the part that truly breaks my heart is that I won’t get to welcome the kids home every day and hear about what they’ve been up to or what they’ve had for lunch. That really makes me sad. I don’t know how I’ll deal with that one, I really don’t.