Lack of empathy, coldness and not understanding – Being a borderline makes understanding other people’s emotions a bit weird. Say I ask you a question and you answer. Most people leave it at the at but no, not me. I’ll be judging the tone of your reply, your body language, and the way you worded it. Everything. Oh god, you must be angry and it’s my fault, Let me cut off my arm or give t you to escape the shame.
Ego – I’m so good at x I can do anything. Skiing down a slope thinking this can’t be hard. Twisted my thumb and almost broke it. That’s just one example.
Wanting to watch the world burn – Nothing gives me greater pleasure than putting myself in a worse position than I already am just for the sake of those words. i.e. Give the beggar all the money I need for rent.
Lying & cheating – Yup usually goes with loyalty but the downside of it.
New social skills – I don’t work well with others because my social skills are somewhat lacking.
Drugs. – And alcohol too. Been clean for a very long time but that voice is and will always be there.
Procrastination. – I will do anything I can to avoid doing the things I need to do.
I think the technical word for it is separate. Then once the paperwork comes through and it’s all official with the courts then it’s Divorce. Unless someone contests it when the divorce paperwork comes through. I wouldn’t do something like that, would I? Not like someone went off and had an affair before the paperwork or even a notice of being divorced.
So for that to make any sense I’ll give you an exciting look at my marriage and personal life: Met in 2007 Together in 2010 Sort of, sort of not 2011 Together in 2012 Married in 2015 Separated in 2023
The longest relationship I have ever had actually. D had been married before, she had an affair with me and I cheated on what would be R’s mum with D. 2011 is and was the most fucked up year of my life, the lies I made, the things I did and the people saw. Madness. There was always one constant and that was D. She was pure in my mind, a candle flame that can’t be blown out because that would make the world a darker place. Day two of divorce she blew her candle out.
I should have been there more. I should have given her what she needed.
No one wins in a breakup. Well, maybe those with friends they keep in reserve.
So single. I’ve sworn off women for now. For a long while. I heard once was one year of a relationship is equal to one month of getting over. So we’ll go for 2012, 11 months to get over the relationship. That’s fair. About the same as the hospital said my recovery would be. I still don’t understand the recovery period. Does that mean that I am miraculously going to be able to walk without searing back pain? Oh, I was quite actually impressed. I went to the garage next door which has a shop built in, I was struggling with the basket, walking about. My back was in complete agony. I got to the till and I swear I was going to ask them for a chair. Thankfully the guy took my shopping bagged it for me and put the basket back. It’s things like that that help. I managed to get back to the motel, room and then I faceplanted on the bed for ten minutes.
I’ll have to have a look online and see if there are some exercises that I can do with my back or if it’s just keep walking till it improves. I do walk every day now. Maybe a gym with a running machine. I can hold onto the sides if I need to and then start at level one again and try. I’ll ask my social worker if they have any offers on gyms. Or a discount as I’ll just be using one machine. Oh yeah talking about relationships. Yup, this was the longest one. Since I’m 40 my options are pretty limited unless I make it big with Bitcoin, lottery or good looks & hypnotism. Of which I have none. So I’ll exist until Allah/God/Chukulu puts someone in my path.
Who am I kidding? A photocopy of D would be awesome. She was perfect and I lost her. Stupid body. God. I could do with a bottle of wine or two. Never thought in my life I would ever be craving wine. Most normal men crave beer, buy it, drink it, sleep. I wish it was simple. But wine is the weapon of choice. Or rum. Rum, I can drink from the bottle. Although is nicer with ice and a snifter of coke. Snfiter. Coke. They probably belong in a sentence somewhere but not here, I am not a snifter of coke. Never have, never will. Pharmaceuticals is a different game. That is one that I abuse with hilarious consequences. And it’s all legal as well:
Risperidone, twice a day. Sertraline, two in the morning. Promazine, four times a day. Procyclidine, twice a day. Propranolol, three times a day. Cyclizine, three times a day, Pro Banthine, four times a day, Codeine, up to four times a day as needed, Pregabalin, three times a day Diazepam 5mg, once a day Diazepam 2mg, three times a day So 31 tablets. In a day. #FML
The cooling stand that I bought for the beast of a laptop came today. At least I think it was today, yes, definitely today. I ordered a mouse to go with it as well which makes a big difference. So it’s all good now, I can play my games, have more than one tab open and generally not start a fire in the motel room. That would be bad. The smoke detector has already been taped so I can vape at ease in here otherwise I would go mad. The cooling stand is pretty cool (get the JK there) as it has six fans and LEDs in them. So it looks like something from a hacker movie in the 90s. All about the stereotypes. I’m having fun with the fan controls. Make it sound like a plane engine or quiet as a whisper. Since I listen to music all the time here, the plane engine is. Things here at the motel are still a bit rough and scary at times. Lots of screaming and shouting from the room to my left; a young girl and her mum don’t seem to get along very well although that’s just based on the shouting and crying. To my right I have the drunk who snores, coughs up flem constantly and can hear stumbling about. Today they (other people) were trying to get into people’s rooms, obviously drunk, as they used their keys thinking they had this magical power to open any door- a skeleton key. Then they would bang on the door in frustration. They did it to mine. I have this secure lock from Amazon which when combined with the lock makes it impossible to unlock from the outside. Well. Unless they kick the door down or do a ‘Heres Johnny’ skit. I sleep better with it on and having music on helps. Although now the fans are on it drowns them out as well.
Proud of myself today. After a wobble this morning from Ben. He started having the misophonia thing again, where he’s super alert to any noises, which invoke his fight or flight response and goes ape. He starts kicking his door really hard and screaming out the window. I was with the dogs downstairs and they went batshit crazy. I shouted up at Ben, then had to text D to calm him down as he triggered my FND and I started drooling like an idiot and not being able to type on my phone. He left the house for fresh air, and he came back an hour later (he did check in on WhatsApp that he went to the shop with some money he ‘found’) all calm and his usual self. I was still a bit of a mess. Then D’s mum and boyfriend came in without D and they don’t speak English. Got a hug from them both. Ben came down and had hugs too. Then they sprang into action, picking up dog poo, tidying and started mowing the back. All in like 5 minutes of arriving. I in my lovely lameness just sat down awkwardly as they were doing jobs I should be doing but I can’t do any more. D came back and I left. I resisted the urge to go to Asda and pick up alcohol. It was tempting but I resisted. Not going to be that guy. So that’s why I’m proud of myself today.
This is a good one. My brother, the slag, phoned me and we spoke for 45 minutes about lots of different things that for reasons of privacy I won’t go into. It was nice talking to him though. Not a lot of people I can talk to on the phone. Owen has phone issues, D isn’t going to like to talk and yeah that’s it. The stuff I can say like talking about the past and moving on, how he’s doing well in his job and his drinking is more under control. It was nice to hear that he has a positive outlook on things.
