social anxiety Archives

Look, there! A braincell!

September 20, 2023September 18, 2023 Andy YoungLeave a comment

Daily writing prompt

Which topics would you like to be more informed about?

I suck at quite a few things. I try and inform myself about lots of thing and have an extensive library on most programming, dark arts, horrors etc. I’m a book nerd. But there are a few things that I need help with.

Budgeting. What the hell is that evil stuff. As a lovely member of the bpd crowd, I have the ability to spend every single penny I own on one shiny object. Then do without until money is replenished. I’ve never really been good at this stuff so my mum up until 2014 helped me with it as I couldn’t control it for the life of me. Its unyielding burn on the soul that I dont have this object. Then D came along and took it from there because she is good at it. Now I’m on my own again, it’s trying to learn a new skill.
Languages. I understand Dutch but I could get by. Half Dutch. Same with Welsh, French and Spanish. I would love to know one fluently, but I get deterred straightaway when people say you aren’t supposed to say it like that.
Social Skills. How to function in society without having the need to take fist full of pills every day. It would be nice to wean off them and then see how a few things work. So in the absence of that I feel ill-informed to function in society.
Writing lists.
Understanding what informed means.

I hear toxic. I hear Britney.

September 14, 2023September 10, 2023 Andy Young2 Comments

What are some toxic habits I have?

Ugh.

Lack of empathy, coldness and not understanding – Being a borderline makes understanding other people’s emotions a bit weird. Say I ask you a question and you answer. Most people leave it at the at but no, not me. I’ll be judging the tone of your reply, your body language, and the way you worded it. Everything. Oh god, you must be angry and it’s my fault, Let me cut off my arm or give t you to escape the shame.
Ego – I’m so good at x I can do anything. Skiing down a slope thinking this can’t be hard. Twisted my thumb and almost broke it. That’s just one example.
Wanting to watch the world burn – Nothing gives me greater pleasure than putting myself in a worse position than I already am just for the sake of those words. i.e. Give the beggar all the money I need for rent.
Lying & cheating – Yup usually goes with loyalty but the downside of it.
New social skills – I don’t work well with others because my social skills are somewhat lacking.
Drugs. – And alcohol too. Been clean for a very long time but that voice is and will always be there.
Procrastination. – I will do anything I can to avoid doing the things I need to do.

The Tomb

April 26, 2023April 23, 2023 Andy Young7 Comments

I’ll talk about something that I find stupid.

You won’t find it stupid because you are normal.

Well maybe not since you are reading a blog filled with voidness.

So here it is…

I miss having friends and being close to them.

I’m painfully aware it’s due to my lack of leaving the house, social weirdness, and whatever is wrong with me. I start conversations in Messenger but get one answer replies and it feels distant. I have my best friend O who lives in Sheffield which is about 1.5 hours from here in the car. Not that far. Happy to go. Not happy to go outside. Rubbish thoughts. Stop talking. I know I’m not his best friend. I always have to text him and he never randomly texts me back. We used to live near each other in Wales. Every Friday we would meet up. We would talk. We would put on music and we would have a good time. Now I’m lucky to get a message once a year without me prodding him.

I don’t know what to do. Is there a book on how to act normal in society because I must be doing something wrong to lose all my friends. I have my D and she is truly my best friend but I need other friends to vent to and not dump on her all the time.

There must be an app where you can meet up with people who are also social…… argh. I’d settle for an online friend. Someone I can talk to. Someone who can tell me things that make the badness seem less bad.

Like I said. Stupid.

Diazepam Thoughts

April 10, 2023 Andy Young2 Comments

It could just be the diazepam circulating in my blood and messing with my brain but I think I miss the covid times when we had to stay indoors and not leave the house. That itself makes me sad because I should want to go into the outside world and be social. Not miss the days when I didn’t have to make an excuse, it was simply just, well, covid so not leaving the house today. It’s really not fair on the family around me, it’s selfish of me and that’s not good.

I used to love going outdoors and doing things. Instead, now I fear it and dread the days when I have to leave. I have a handful of safe places that I can go to. The kid’s school for collection (I hide in the car), the pet food store, the petrol station, and the pharmacy. I can push myself sometimes and go and collect shopping from the collection point at the supermarket. I can walk the dogs but never lift my eyes from the pavement and rush along so no one sees me.

Truth be told. I hate it. I really really do. This time last year I had carers coming into the house to keep my company and try and take me outside. It worked but for several reasons, I contacted the council and stopped the home help. It really doesn’t help your self-esteem when you have care workers looking after you. I wish I could have that excitement again of going shopping and looking at all the food on the shelves instead of on an app. I wish I could jump in the car and drive somewhere and not freak out about stuff.

It could just be the diazepam. But, I miss the times when I didn’t need to excuse myself all the time. Like a crutch.