Tag: hallucinations

Its far to hot to have tea

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The bright white screen glare was giving me a suntan, so I’ve moved over to outlook to type this as it has a dark feature. I’m boiling. I hate the heat. I know its hot when my anti-sweat pills from the doctors don’t work. Taken a double dose so hopefully that will do the trick. Feeling sick. I think the kimchi tub I had for dinner is trying to escape its nice warm bed in my stomach, which is lovely I must say. Anyway.

Today was a mixed bag. I woke up early and called the mental health team to arrange an appointment with the consultant, so that’s sorted for next Monday. I got all my clothed ready to be washed. Social worker number 1 called to see how things are going, met with social worker number 2 and on Wednesday I’m hosting a meeting with social worker number 3. They’ve also extended my stay here for another week. Sort of happy, sort of sad. I have stability for a week but its frustrating that a property hasn’t been found yet. Hopefully soon.

My CPN and social worker number 3 want to come along to see the consultant with me which is nice. I explained that I’m scared I’ll just say everything is okay when its not. I’m not suicidal again yet which is good, but my voices and hallucinations have made a comeback. Also, that weird waking dream thing keeps happening. Lost in thought. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll call the crisis line and bore them with the details it’s been a few weeks since I phoned them now, I have a CPN to moan to.

Doti asked me to come over and check in on the kids after my meeting today. It was nice Suzi came down and gave me a hug. I bought them sandwiches and sausage rolls. Drinks and treats that they probably wont like, which is fine because I’ll be there tomorrow from 9am. Ben starts his school tomorrow. Think I’m more nervous than he is. He needs to get to the bus stop, jump on till end of the line and then finish with a long walk to the high school. He has all the bus details printed out and laminated. He’s got his phone so if he gets stuck or lost I can track him down and collect him. Suzi is going back on Wednesday, so I’ll have some company apart from the dogs. I ordered some clothes as a treat which should be arriving tomorrow and a back brace.

I looked around online to find a solution to my weak back and people were raving about how good a back brace is. So opted for one of the more expensive ones in the hopes that it will make walking a bit easier. Or if I can stand longer. Standing seems to be the main issue. I can walk, get to the shop, pain starts, get my shopping, rest at the counter while the nice people pack my stuff, get back to the motel room and omg chair I love you feelings when I sit down. Within a minute, less than a minute, the pain goes and I’m happy again. If the back brace helps me last just a couple of minutes longer, I will be happy. Otherwise, it goes back to amazon.

I’ll try and lay down and see if the sweating stops or I magically cool down. Night folks.

Medusa got nothing on you

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Hello


It had been a few days since I did a proper post, so I thought, why not on this late summer’s day do a post despite taking an epic amount of medication, my brain would not sleep. Whether this is strike action because I didn’t indulge in any brain-appealing work today, I don’t know. It could just be insomnia. I can’t wait to find out.

I had the pleasure of looking after Doti’s house today, I was there from 8 am to 9 pm. It was nice, Ben was keen to show me Forza with his steering wheel and pedals in action. Just needs to set up the stream deck with his shortcuts. We had a talk about stuff for a while. Life stuff that we never talk about. It was good. Wholesome fun. Followed by him giving me his Liberty County role-playing moves on putting an IV line in my arm and then stabilising my heart after being shot. You know what? if it makes him happy then I’m happy. The day passed pretty quickly, did a few things like dishes and stocking up on the basics. It’s my day off tomorrow and Monday so will try and be productive with housing applications since the housing officer I have seems to of forgotten about me.

The motel seems to of taken in a few scruffy stoners who are huffing on the nitrous in the corridor. For laughing gas, they don’t laugh much. Must be a saying.

Delusional behaviour. So I’m not sure if this is most people but every few minutes a random story plays out in my mind. So I’ll think of something like ‘This person is annoying” but then turns into a 3 season epic movie in my mind where I do x, y and z. I then, for lack of a better term, zoom out and I’m back to normal. Seconds have passed but minutes in my mind. It is messed up. Like the hallucinations. “I need to finish writing this down or I’ll for..” The book disappears, hand still in pen mode. Gone. Or there I am watching this dance of people in front of me and I stand up to dance and it all goes away. Like living dreams maybe.

That’s normal, right?

Not so great tbh

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Things aren’t going so well in the world of me. Shocking I know. I’m constantly dizzy now. All the live long day. I also have this thing where I have to cover one eye to focus on the screen or typing which is slowly driving me mad as one-hand typing is never fun. In between the dizziness, the zoning out/sleeping thing keeps on happening.

There is some news on that front though. I spoke to the dr after she had consulted her counsel. Neurology referral which will be at least a 6-month wait and a sleep studies referral as well for good measure. What do I do till then? well, I thought I would ask the question this morning on the online booking system they have. Filled in all the information it asked for, asking if there is any medication for this (did some looking up, and there is) and please could something be done as this will drive me to suicide.

So didn’t get a same-day referral so they’ve booked me in with a different dr on the 16th. What the actual hell am I supposed to do with that. Be dizzy, zoned out, and useless till then? very frustrating. And they wonder why people end up self-medicating

I’m sick of the tired look. 8 hours. Still, look like I haven’t slept a wink, and feel it too; unable to nap as I get nasty dreams and thoughts again. Or I start hallucinating heating music or murmurs again. If there was one pill I could just take to be normal for one day I think my wife and kids would love me more.

Not sad pathetic me who does a piss poor attempt at house husband these days.

Argh.

We don’t need no education…

Andy Young2 Comments

I’ve managed to open the curtains downstairs as well as the windows. Small steps. Had they closed all week due to wanting to hide? Nice having some fresh air blowing into the house. Well, as fresh as Manchester air gets. Not quite the same as when we were living in the middle of nowhere in Wales. Which I miss. It was great living there. Like 20 people in the village, big house, a nice garden that we worked really hard at so we could have chickens, vegetable plot and yeah, it was great. No fear of anyone knocking on the door. I’m also sure we were amazons worst nightmare as we ordered stuff with same-day delivery knowing they would drive a single trip from an hour away. Good value for money!

It wasn’t real life. I warned D of that so many times. You go to Wales and you live there, and nothing really happens. Everyone is always happy, polite and it’s clean and looked after. You go to primary school, high school, and college with the same people. You have one or two nightclubs to go to. Actually don’t think there are any in Llandudno now. But yeah life breezes happily by and you just live. Probably why it resembles gods waiting room.

We needed to get out of there for the kid’s sake. Education in Wales is very different, we found it more “As long as the child is happy” than “You should learn this”. We saw the difference when we moved here straight away. They were way off the knowledge level of kids in England. They’ve caught up really well, it took time but they managed it. S did well in her tests for high school so she’s in decent sets. B will follow suit as he faces his SATS exams next week.

I still think the whole primary school education system needs an overhaul. They have spent every day teaching from September preparing for these tests. Just tests. Test papers. Constantly so they all get good grades. They are being taught just by answering old questions. The problem is, in my head anyway, kids should actually learn about the world, history, English lit, all of that stuff not just being trained on how to get maximum points.

“Sir said if I don’t know it just writes some working out as you’ll get points”, “You can skip questions with lower points” And it’s great, great for exams and the advice fine but I for some reason cannot support it. Oh well. After a couple of months left, B got accepted to a STEM university high school. Everything is computer-based by the looks of it and he’s excited to get that bus every day. He knows math but has an apathy-like feeling toward things. “I already know how to do that so let’s just move on”. Need to train him to focus more. But that’s where their mental health team comes in and gets support in place.

Rant completed.

I did see Dr. Well. They phoned me. They think I might have narcolepsy or catalepsy. They took a full history of things, I explained that I don’t have to be stressed when it happens. I’ll just be in the dreaming world for a few moments. I also explained that my 12-year-old son had to sit next to me on the sofa and jab me in the ribs when I randomly passed out. It’s been happening all day again. I keep catching it and forced myself to keep my eyes open.

I have a killer headache, double vision, and dizziness from doing that. Really hope the doctor calls back with some kind of solution. I asked if I should just take a fist full of caffeine but that would be bad, I think I already rambled about this,

Plus I hallucinated a bird in the corner of my eye. I started shouting at it after a while as was in a half-sleep state. Stupid bird. Soon as I got some fresh air I was okay again.

A tips & tricks post of randomness

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I thought it would be nice to create a post with some tips and tricks that I have learned during my time on this rotating rock we can home. You’ll probably know a few of them already but brushing up on your knowledge never hurts.

Self-harm wounds
If you have self-harmed, it’s important to take care of your wounds properly to prevent infection. Here are some tips:

  • Wash your hands thoroughly with soap and water before and after treating your wound.
  • Clean the wound with soap and water or an antiseptic wipe.
  • Apply a sterile dressing to the wound and change it daily.
  • Keep the wound covered and dry.
  • Avoid scratching or picking at the wound.
  • When in doubt, please see a doctor.

Self-harming sucks. Except when you are doing it. You know it’s not right but the urge sometimes is too much and you just do it. Remember, you are not alone. There is help available, and you don’t have to go through this alone.

Hallucination distractions
Hallucinations can be very distressing and can make it difficult to do everyday things. However, there are some things you can do to distract yourself from them and make them less disruptive and annoying.

One way to distract yourself is to focus on your senses. Pay attention to what you can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch. This can help bring you back to the present moment and make it harder for the hallucinations to take over.

You can also try to distract yourself by doing things that you enjoy. This could include listening to music, reading, watching TV, or spending time with other people. It really can take your mind off things.

Crisis
Being caught in a crisis can be a seriously overwhelming and scary experience. It can be difficult to know what to do or who to ask for help. However, there are some things that you can do to cope with a crisis and get through it.

First, it is important to stay calm. It is easy to panic when you are in a crisis, but panicking will only make things worse. Try to take deep breaths and focus on the present moment.

Second, it is important to reach out for help. If you are feeling overwhelmed, talk to friends and family. There are also many hotlines available that you can call for support. Like the Samaritans, they will speak to you for ages till you relax a bit or until help arrives.

Third, it is important to give yourself time to heal. It takes time to recover from a crisis. Don’t expect to feel better overnight. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to deal in your head with what caused the crisis.

Finally, it is important to remember that you are not alone. There are many people who have been through crises and come out on the other side. You are not weak for needing help. It is okay to ask for help and to take time to get better.

Bard

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I’ve been messing around with Bard again. I’ve discovered how useful it is for generating SEO, content and other web dev stuff. I then thought maybe it can help me with explaining a few things. I asked it, after feeding it information, to generate an explanation regarding my visual & audio hallucinations. It came up with the following:

I have hallucinations both audio and visual. The audio hallucinations are usually voices that I hear in my head. They can be positive or negative, but they can be very distracting. The visual hallucinations are usually people or objects that I see out of the corner of my eye. They can be very scary, but they usually go away quickly. I am learning to cope with my hallucinations by using grounding techniques, such as focusing on my senses and naming objects. I am also learning to distract myself by listening to music or doing puzzles. I am still learning how to manage my hallucinations, but I am getting better at it.

I am impressed! Simplistic but easy to understand. Well, I think so anyway. So I prodded it some more to come up with something else:

Here are some coping skills that can help you manage hallucinations:

  • Grounding techniques: Grounding techniques can help you to focus on the present moment and to feel more connected to your surroundings. Some examples of grounding techniques include:
    • Focusing on your senses: Pay attention to what you can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.
    • Naming objects: Look around you and name objects that you see.
    • Counting: Count objects in your environment or count your breaths.
  • Distraction techniques: Distraction techniques can help to take your mind off of your hallucinations. Some examples of distraction techniques include:
    • Listening to music
    • Reading
    • Doing puzzles
    • Playing games
  • Relaxation techniques: Relaxation techniques can help to reduce stress and anxiety, which can make hallucinations worse. Some examples of relaxation techniques include:
    • Deep breathing
    • Meditation
    • Yoga
    • Tai Chi
  • Talk to someone you trust: Talking to someone you trust about your hallucinations can help you to feel less alone and more supported. It can also help you to get advice and support on how to manage your hallucinations.
  • Seek professional help: If you are struggling to manage your hallucinations, it is important to seek professional help. A mental health professional can help you to develop a treatment plan that is right for you.

And there you have it, my own personal therapist who generates me lists of things I can do to try and help myself when I have them.