Why does my brain do this?

I’m angry. Frustrated and demotivated to the point of throwing in the towel. Not with my day to day life but my work life.

I overheard a group of people at the job centre say “He can’t be that bad if he’s self-employed” amongst other things which are on my records. I was sat on the chairs and they were huddled around a computer. “It says here that” and “Oh we will have to question that” and a few other things. I thought they were talking about someone else till they said my name.

It shouldn’t effect me but it does. I work hard to not be my mental illness, have a normal life not locked away somewhere and this just feels like undermining everything that I am doing. Its taken a decade to get to this point. If we turned the clocks back 10 years it would be a very different story. I couldn’t think straight, I went off the rails with everything and it was one big mess. If I didn’t have D and then kids by my side I wouldn’t be the person I am today. They stood by me every time I messed up and they understood mostly what was going on. We have had to make massive changes in both living and attitudes to be at the point where I can run this new community interest project. I just didn’t need someone dumping on me whilst I wasn’t happy to be there in the first place.

I work 16 hours running a community interest project. I break even most months and everything is declared to job centre people so everything is legit and by the book. I can’t press myself to do it full time as I’m not ready for that, its hard work as it is getting motivated and focussed. They hinted that I might have to apply for real work and I tried to explain that I work 16 hours rather than being sat on benifits twiddling my thumbs. The doctors and consultants say I shouldn’t be working but I can’t do that anymore. So a year ago I started this. And its survived. I’m sure everything will come crashing down when they make all these new changes and then I’ll be forced between keeping my sanity and a full time job. The last job I applied for and got fired me before I started due to my disability. So yeah. That’ll be a barel of laughs.

Today I’m at the office working away fixing things. Wish there was air con or something as it gets very hot in here. Especially when there are more than one of you. B is at the sports club whilst S is with her dad down south for a week. D is having a “me day” which she truly deserves.

Might try and escape early. Depends on if I can get my head to think straight again.

We all went to Wales on Sunday, well me, D and B. We took his bike and we went to Colwyn Bay. Where we used to live, well, near it. It was nice because we got there a bit late in the day so all the tourists had left. We even managed to bag a table at an outdoor cafe for munchies. B decided to give us a heart attack by cycling a mile away without telling us. We thought he headed back to the car as agreed but alas he went right instead of left. Minutes away from calling the police. But glad he came back before that became a thing.

We stopped at the house where my dad used to live. They have totally changed how it looks and it looks amazing! I was sad to see it again because of the memories but I’m so happy that someone has taken it, fixed it up and then built extensions, new roof and all sorts. Hopefully mum and dad are smiling, where ever they might be.

Its sort of shining

Well the weather is trying its hardest to look nice, patches of blue sky which is an improvement over yesterday. As I walked up to the gym it was nice, blue skies and not to cold. The moment I stepped out of the doors it was a complete downpour. I blame the planes that fly ridiculously low. Ok so stockport is basically on the flight path for landing at Manchester Airport. But still, they MUST be triggering the rain.

Last night was nice. I bought me and Jen the 'Louie Theroux' boxset, all the weird weekends or something? really really funny. Last night was the second disk which had Wrestlers, Africa and rappers I think (at that point sleep was demanded). I had never really heard or seen him before, but he amuses. Oh watch the porn star one.

Annnd last night was pancake day, or the whole lent thing if your that way inclined. It was nice, unfortunatly we only had a couple of eggs, well there was three but Jenson ate the one that was past its best before. Funny dog. Amazing how something evil can be cute at the same time. Annnyways. Yes, only managed to make two big ones. And naturally craved sooooo many more afterwards which didn't help. And the flour was off. But we ignore that. The milk wasnt so we were ok.

We filter image emails here. Basically all are external mail is moderated by myself, so anything with an image attached usually is quarentined. Means I get an alert, log in, look at it. If its porn, I yell at people otherwise release it. nine times out of ten its just funny pictures… so I stole them:

Oh and…

That one reminds me of the Molly.

I forgot to mention, the otherday me and Jen we looking at dogs online. Through the RSPCA website, and we found the most awesome dog ever. A blind white one, like a year old called Frosty. He looked amazing and was an instant "awwwww how cute, how much fun would it be teaching a dog to sign". But lame. We can't have him since we haven't moved out yet. Still sad about that, would have been nice. Although I still want my pet wolf.

Back to the realm of work. *Many hugs*