Okay. I’ll try and empty my mind as to what was said on Saturday night and how I feel about it. We were in bed, and I was getting wound up again by things wondering why they are happening. D said “I wouldn’t blame you if you did kill yourself with everything that is going on, you know I wouldn’t feel bad if you did it” partial paraphrase as it was Saturday. It made me sad. I don’t know why but I can’t get that out of my head. The BPD kicked in on that one. If D said it’s okay then why don’t you go and do it. But the kicker is, I really don’t want to. I haven’t been properly suicidal in over a year, I haven’t made any attempts on my life and generally try and make my life worthwhile. Like working with different charities to then help other people. I am happy with my little world that I created. Or we created more like. It feels like an attack. Like throwing in the towel because of the shite I carry on my back. I have that stuff on my back but I decided to not let it stop me. That I will carry on and that I will be a productive part of society and a father to my kids.
I’m maybe reading too much into it. You could look at it and say “You’ve got all this stuff going on so o wouldn’t b… No there isn’t actually a different way. Not that I see.
Unless I become a burden or hindrance I won’t do anything. I can’t leave B without a dad and I can’t leave D, I love her too much for that. It’s sad that she knows the suicide plan, what will happen, and what to do. We had to talk about that. We had to talk about a lot of things. The sacrifices she has made to be with me, the life she would have without me.
Ugh. All I do is moan on the blog. Next post. Cheerful.