It’s been a real roller coaster the past few days, to be honest. I started getting hounded with thoughts and imaginary guilt trips which I really didn’t need. Why I do this to myself I don’t know. Reliving memories and seeing the pain, hurt, and suffering I’ve caused. My brain takes it out of context and amplifies it a thousand times over. Laying in bed not being able to sleep because of all the noise. So I conceded and took Valium early yesterday morning, then iterated it through the day. It helped. I slept at night. Progress. I even managed to mow the grass out back and it looks much better out there now.
Today I woke up and got the dogs out on the morning walk at 7am. Tried to make as little noise as possible so everyone could sleep in. D appeared not long after I was back and she had a moment of doubt about her Easter traditions. So I put my hand up, helped, and think we got it sorted. See. We are a dysfunctional family in a way. D and I sat at the table, B was by the window with his ear defenders on so he could both not see us eat or hear us. S her usual self absent on the sofa. Five minutes passed. Kids had the easter breakfast and disappeared leaving D and me to watch mass on tv. I take that as a victory. The kids left their rooms, they shared the basket offering and wished each other good things, had a plate full of Polish goodness (salads, sausage, and cakes), then ate with us before going. That to me is a win. It’s not massive, by no means normal to have that but considering both kids have MH-related issues it was good.
Part of me wishes for a normal household. One able to go on walks or cinemas without one of the kids being triggered or me for that matter. I do hate the burden I bring but am adamant that it won’t defeat me nor my marriage.
That’s another easter done and dusted. Still got some chocolate egg left so will demolish that.
Hope you’ve all had a good respective holiday 🙂