Just a few photos that have made the grade and made me smile. Had a great time today at the beach. I think we were only there for an hour but Nina came in the water with me and did really well. Didn’t want to push her to swim due to the fit thing. Figured extremes of hot and cold would be bad. We all got home, redder for it, but a great time was had.
After coming back I noticed my thoughts were getting a bit bizarre so I’m trying this new strategy from the consultant. I took a microdose of promazine liquid and it helped me feel more logical. Then for no reason I started getting really angry for stupid reasons. Like the sink was blocked and I started ranting and raving as I fixed it. B was messing with his food, I shouted, they laughed, down 90mg codeine and et vola anger gone. I love drug addiction.
Tomorrow will be a busy day work wise so worrying about that. I’ll need to leave early to go and sort some stuff at my office. D has Mondays off so it’s the only day I can get out really without having to use her mum to baby sit. It’s not ideal. She doesn’t speak English and B plays up on it. Anyways hopefully I’ll keep myself busy and get things done.
Hope everyone had an awesome weekend and now an amazing week ahead if them 🙂 also going camping at the end I the week for a few nights to a fishery. Beyond excited on being able to teach D, S and B to fish.
I went through the google downloaded photos again and found a few I would love to share with everyone. Well. Apart from the memes, they just made me smile when I saw them years ago.
I got in touch with the doctor today, well, submitted an online form since they no longer take appointments over the phone. Suppose thats good really considering I would rather die than make a phone call. I don’t know why I just can’t phone or answer the phone to people I dont know. It sets the anxiety overboard and I start over thinking the situation. That does’nt mean I can’t, I’ll answer it if I think I know who it is. Otherwise its a voicemail and I’ll call them back. That was my hack to get through it.
I explained the problems on the forms lovely white, empty box. I wrote a frikkin’ novel but hopefully it will make sense to them. On Friday I felt so bad I took half a bottle of promazine, my usual dose is 5ml. Not 150ml. So I woke up in a dazed state on Saturday. Anxiety pain and negative thoughts were still there. So solution? Yes. You guessed it. More meds. So rather than the 7mg diazepam I take at night for terrors I decided in my ultimate wisdom to pop 25mg. It worked. The thoughts stopped for an hour or so as I sat on the sofa drooling. Then I found some codiene. This is the point where you say “FFS”. So had 150mg of that. And that got rid of the thoughts and paranoia. Not content with the about of pills I had consumed, I raided my stash and had another 25mg of diazepam.
I haven’t had any yet. Whilst walking the dog yesterday I noticed an ambundance of magic mushrooms growing on the playing fields. I can safely say I was strong and didn’t pick them. Adding that to the mix wouldn’t really of helped matters. I dont know why always go back to pill taking to escape from my problems. The voices are pretty loud and the other guy is on auto-repeat with added images! So getting off my face on drugs quitens it but weakens the control. I won’t go into that again.
Anyways, explained all this on the form so hopefully I’ll get a phone call today and reopen my referral to CMHT since I’ve been on the waiting list for a new thearapist for the past year.
I recently downloaded all the photos that Google had stored under my account. I keep looking through them, they’ve broken them up into years so it’s interesting time traveling. Today I focussed on the memes. I don’t know why but the cat to the left of this always ALWAYS makes me smile. Its a photo that you can hear saying “What?!” in your head. Then again. Maybe that’s just me and my crazyness. Who wants to be normal anyways!
So I’m back on Spotify again. Although keeping it clean as the kids are home and its weekend. Well clean-ish. I dont approve of my kids swearing but when it comes to music I let them have musical expression. So they can listen to songs with explicit lyrics because sometimes you need them to express a feeling or emotion. Not saying I’ll let them listen to “So what” by Metallica but there run of the mill music is fine.
I’m not sure if its part of the mental health problems that amplify my total and utter hatred of people chewing with mouths open. It drives me insane. I will just randomly walk out of the room so I don’t say something I’ll regret. But seriously? is it that hard to close your mouth?! I think its with most things. I always hated people who chewed gum because of the noise. Thats a weird one. Memories of being 14 and explaining to one of my friends that just because you chew gum it doesnt mean you can’t close your mouth whilst doing it. The kid said “But thats how you chew gum”. He became an ex friend at that point. Shallow and an over reaction. I’m well aware of that.
In retrospect, I’ve done many a petty, over reactive reactions towards differing things. Its not a trait I love about myself
This meme always made me chuckle. My wife is roman catholic, as are the kids. I’m still the outsider. I’ll go with them to church for moral support but I don’t do the kneeling and things. Its important to my wife so I’m supportive of it. B has his holy communion coming up. He has always been “into church stuff” which is great, so he takes it seriously. Well. To a degree. I think he like the story but doesn’t quite follow the rules. Anyways, looking forward to that event next month. We are having a big party in the garden with a few friends coming over. I would say family but I’ve ran out of relatives in this country, the rest are in Holland.
Back to the meme. It actually made me think when did I first figure out where and how babies came from. I honestly for the life of me don’t remember. I have a few gaps in my memory, for example my earliest memories don’t start till I’m like 8 years old and even then they are really vague. One of my first memories being my brother putting heat cream (the cream you put on a muscle and it warms it up) on the toilet seat followed by my screaming after visiting said toilet. Or the time he decided to pee in my glass which had apple juice in and I took a huge gulp. He was lovely.
I had to cancel my therapy this week. I feel bad for that because I’m supposed to stick to it but I’ve been avoiding talking again which I really need to learn not to do. I’ve had a bit of a hard week mentally. I had some really bad ptsd dreams the other night and thats triggered me a bit. Nothing exciting. Just the abuse back from when I was 13. I hate having the dreams. Reliving the same shit over and over again. Part of me thinks I should report them to the police and maybe that’ll give me closure. The other side of me doesn’t want the stress and let it be. Its been along time. Its still something I haven’t fully confronted. I have a had therapy centred around it but it go too intense so I had to back off a bit from it.
Didn’t mean to bum anyone out with that last paragraph. Have an awesome weekend x