To whom it may regard

I’ve been reading up on what things I can write about to get things off my chest. I used to use BetterHelp.com for that but it got a bit expensive. Its great but its a strain on the family finances hence coming back to blogging.

There is a suggestion that you should write a letter, list or interview. I’m not sure which way to go but the thought of a letter would be nice.

*** Trigger warning: child abuse ***

Dear child abusers,
Go and FUCK yourselves instead of young, impressionable 13 year old boys that you have plied with alchohol and only to then leave them with a fucked up brain.

Thanks,
A

That was weird. Not usually one to swear too much when typing but the words were fitting to the situation.

Dear child abusers,
With regards to my previous letter I feel I should expand in a few areas. You groomed me for months by inviting me, at 13 years old, to hang out and watch Stargate whilst giving me orange juice with copious amounts of vodka in. Me being a teenager thought that this was so cool, that you guys were cool and I was being accepted as a friend with people older than me. I loved your company, hanging out and working with you at the religious centre. I always looked forward to my shifts with you. Talking about things and being treated like an adult.

Being invited to watch a film at the cinema. It was 8mm. No idea at 13-14 that it was based on the darker elements of sexuality. But I think you knew that. Well. Touching me in the cinema was probably planned as well. Then one day putting on porn instead of Stargate or Friends by “mistake” to see how I would react. I didn’t mind, I got to hang out with you still. So what if you did these weird and strange things. I was naive, I didn’t know better and thought this is how adult life is. I was honoured that you let me in your bedroom to fix your internet connection. So what if you stuck your tongue in my mouth, I got to feel special because I fixed something for you. That was just the way it was. Even when you invited a group of people round so they could sit and watch this weird stuff on tv whilst giving me drinks till I started having gaps in my memory. This really weird thing happened when I woke up at home the next day, after my unknowing parents who blamed themselves, discovered blood in my underwear and some strange pains and aches. Still. It didn’t matter. You were happy and from what I remember now after therapy, I must of loved it as I couldnt stop you. You must of thought of it as a game as I tried to get downstairs and away from you. I didn’t even know all your names.

When I was 15 the coolest thing happened to me. See, in school, I was being bullied and turned from this lively, outgoing boy to sneaking in vodka and getting drunk in the middle of high school. No one knew what was in the water bottle that I carried like a crutch. I stopped talking to my friends, I stopped talking to my parents. I was already at that stage of uncomfortableness in life as a teenager but having you guys guide me through it was awesome. I started to fall from being top of the class to the dregs at the bottom. It didn’t seem important any more. My report from school, sent home, was saying I was falling behind with everything, lacked enthusiam. Hell, I’ve still got the reports here with me today! My mum naively wrote “If you did something about A’s bullying problems then maybe his work would be better”. I didn’t come to my parents. I didnt want them embarressing me or being involved with the guys from work. As far as they knew everything was fine apart from at school. It was only in 2011 when I told my mum about what happened that she said the immortal line “Thats why there was blood in your underwear”. I was shocked at that comment but well yeah.

So the coolest thing. 15 year old me. Invited to go out clubbing with you and all your friends and a sleep over at your sisters house! Oh my god how amazing that someone who had no real friends for whatever reason, finally had acceptance from people. Not just any people. ADULTS. You treated me as an equal but sometimes special when you invited me to your bedroom with different people watching. Anyway. That didn’t matter. I left with you from work, got to your sisters and we got ready to go out on the town. By the time we walked to a friends house I was already drunk and out of it. You were all watching porn on tv. 5-6 of you? You started touching me. Not just one of you. You all wanted to. You all did. We then left and went to the pubs before ending up in a club. We drank, we danced, I stopped drinking as I was feeling really sick. Then the bouncers made me go outside for freshair. The next time I remember is being naked with 2 of you guys and a girl. Was that a camera? no matter. I threw up. Then pain. Then passed out. I don’t know how long I was asleep for but it wasn’t long. Grabbing my mouth and pouring more drink and me trying not to be sick. There was someone behind me doing something. Pain. Blood. Drink and then blank.

I woke up the next day at your sisters. You were so angry at me for being sick on the floor during the night. You made me feel like I was dog dirt. You shouted and threatened. You drove me back to work for my shift but I could barely stand. I called my mum and she came and collected me.

That was the last time I would work with you. I realised something wasn’t right and my parents pressured me to quit because they didn’t like the hassle of collecting me and dropping me off. You phoned the house and started giving me abuse over the phone. I was scared every time the phone would ring. You got what you wanted I, I think, I couldnt understand why you were so angry at me. One minute I was part of this amazing club and now I’m cast out, can’t see any of you and getting verbal abuse over the phone.

I started drinking on my own. 15-16 years old, I didn’t know better. I thought this is what life was. I swallowed the emotions and memories down. Deep down. My mum told me that I should do that with bullys. Ignore them, put the memories and things in a box in your mind and hide it. So I did that with the abuse. I just boxed it and drank. Then pills. My parents supply of codiene and tramadol. Hammering it and just being out of it to feel like it was.

Fast forward to the end of 2010. R was born. I saw her grand father pick her up. Then these. These flashes in my mind. Images of kids being abused, watching them do things to them. The taste of alchohol on my lips or someones breath. What the hell. The boxes started to open. I found a journal, some things written on my computer. It all came back. I spirled fast and hard. I lost my family. I turned to drink and drugs again.

Amazing that you could still hurt me decades later. Physical wounds heal but the mental ones are the hardest. Last night I was getting flashbacks again. I cried myself to sleep as I couldn’t even allow my wife to touch me because of the feelings I felt.

So I guess I wanted to say I hope it was worth it. My life effectively ended in 1998. You took my innocence and used it for your own pleasure. The effects are still here to this day. Every minute of every day you are but a flash away. I see a baby. I see you. I see drink, I smell your breath in my face. My beloved wife, who has stood with me since 2011 and been through all of this with me, touches me. I recoil and shudder from the woman I love with all my heart. She cries. It repeats.

I’ve tried tracking you all down to no joy. Of course there is no track, its been decades and you’ve moved. I drove round where your sisters house was. I couldn’t even get out of the car because I teared up and didn’t want you to see that. I drove past work. Its been taken over by a new company, not a religious retreat.

Ugh. That sums it up. Ugh. I know everyone else has problems in their past. This is my baggage and it doesn’t make me special. But seriously. I don’t even have words for you.

Thanks. Thanks for the memories,

A

Weird. I feel better. Sorry for over sharing but this is something I carry and putting a letter out to them makes me feel better. I think the only thing that I would add would be my brother who made a lovely comment back in 2019 when we were clearing my dads house out (mum and dad both died semi-recently). He turned to me and said “It couldn’t of been that bad being abused by a woman”. That question has burned on my brain. My reply should of been better but he caught me off guard “It was one woman and five men” I said. “Oh”. he said. Weird that, that comment made me feel like I was 13-15. Powerless. Maybe he was right? I must of enjoyed it. I let them do it.

Something wicked this way comes

For some reason unknown to me I havev14 draft posts ranging back from 2009 to now. It’s only now looking at the years that a huge amount of things have changed since those unposted drafts were created. I read a few of them which brought back some nice memories but what surprised me was the mention of “taking a little something” or “quick drink”. It makes you think my god how long have I been abusing my body by taking drugs. Legal and the other kind. And it must of been since I was 12-13 years old to now in my thirties. Christ I took a little something not long ago to chill so I’m still actively doing it. I just never realised before just how long it’s been. Poor liver. No wonder it’s scarred.

I called “the hotline” today to cmht duty. In all fairness it was worth the 3 preceeding hours to the call building myself up to doing it. They gave honest and decent advice. They also have all my records so I don’t have to give them the back story. I called them because of the illogical thinking. I’m aware of it but can’t stop it. There was a decision last week to tweak one of my meds which helps with that problem but not heard back from my gp with a new script. The people on the phone said they’d urgently get in touch with them and get it sorted. Awesome. I’m aware pills are only 10% of the battle but that 10% is a matter of life or death. The help line is open 24/7 and they checked in on me later in the day so quite impressed over the services provided here vs Wales. So Manchester gets brownie points for that.

Today is day 4 of sleeping on my own. My wife has abandoned me for the cooler climates downstairs and to keep an eye on the dog. The heat is causing doggo to have fits so it makes sense. Bella is up here with me so least I have company. Good company.

Tomorrow is the last term at school. S is already learning from home due to the bubble thing but she has an online graduation service at 10am as she goes to high school in September. I’ve vowed to shave and make an effort as it’s a big deal transitioning from primary to big school. B finishes at 1.15pm and will then start the Joy’s of a 6-7 week summer holiday. We’ve managed to book them into a club Mondays through Thursdays so I can still get the community work done and D can focus on her salon. Next weekend we are going camping where I’ll be teaching B and S to fish. I really can’t wait as fishing has always been a passion for me. They’ve got poles so as long as they don’t sling shot the fish over there shoulders when they bite we should be good. Got a new bivvy/small tent, for them to hide from the sun so it’ll be a nice adventure.

Not sure what the plan is but at some point we’ll be heading up to Glasgow to see the family and have a few days in Edinburgh sight seeing. Miss Scotland and certain people from Scotland so that’ll be great. B can meet my half sister who I haven’t seen in years and then show them the sites that me and Dad used to go to when he wasn’t being a twat.

It’s getting late so I’ll revert to a book and then pass-out thanks to Bella who will undoubtedly sit on my chest and smoother me with her tail.

Hope you are all well and that life is good.

Meme & memories

I recently downloaded all the photos that Google had stored under my account. I keep looking through them, they’ve broken them up into years so it’s interesting time traveling. Today I focussed on the memes. I don’t know why but the cat to the left of this always ALWAYS makes me smile. Its a photo that you can hear saying “What?!” in your head. Then again. Maybe that’s just me and my crazyness. Who wants to be normal anyways!

So I’m back on Spotify again. Although keeping it clean as the kids are home and its weekend. Well clean-ish. I dont approve of my kids swearing but when it comes to music I let them have musical expression. So they can listen to songs with explicit lyrics because sometimes you need them to express a feeling or emotion. Not saying I’ll let them listen to “So what” by Metallica but there run of the mill music is fine.

I’m not sure if its part of the mental health problems that amplify my total and utter hatred of people chewing with mouths open. It drives me insane. I will just randomly walk out of the room so I don’t say something I’ll regret. But seriously? is it that hard to close your mouth?! I think its with most things. I always hated people who chewed gum because of the noise. Thats a weird one. Memories of being 14 and explaining to one of my friends that just because you chew gum it doesnt mean you can’t close your mouth whilst doing it. The kid said “But thats how you chew gum”. He became an ex friend at that point. Shallow and an over reaction. I’m well aware of that.

In retrospect, I’ve done many a petty, over reactive reactions towards differing things. Its not a trait I love about myself

This meme always made me chuckle. My wife is roman catholic, as are the kids. I’m still the outsider. I’ll go with them to church for moral support but I don’t do the kneeling and things. Its important to my wife so I’m supportive of it. B has his holy communion coming up. He has always been “into church stuff” which is great, so he takes it seriously. Well. To a degree. I think he like the story but doesn’t quite follow the rules. Anyways, looking forward to that event next month. We are having a big party in the garden with a few friends coming over. I would say family but I’ve ran out of relatives in this country, the rest are in Holland.

Back to the meme. It actually made me think when did I first figure out where and how babies came from. I honestly for the life of me don’t remember. I have a few gaps in my memory, for example my earliest memories don’t start till I’m like 8 years old and even then they are really vague. One of my first memories being my brother putting heat cream (the cream you put on a muscle and it warms it up) on the toilet seat followed by my screaming after visiting said toilet. Or the time he decided to pee in my glass which had apple juice in and I took a huge gulp. He was lovely.

I had to cancel my therapy this week. I feel bad for that because I’m supposed to stick to it but I’ve been avoiding talking again which I really need to learn not to do. I’ve had a bit of a hard week mentally. I had some really bad ptsd dreams the other night and thats triggered me a bit. Nothing exciting. Just the abuse back from when I was 13. I hate having the dreams. Reliving the same shit over and over again. Part of me thinks I should report them to the police and maybe that’ll give me closure. The other side of me doesn’t want the stress and let it be. Its been along time. Its still something I haven’t fully confronted. I have a had therapy centred around it but it go too intense so I had to back off a bit from it.

Didn’t mean to bum anyone out with that last paragraph. Have an awesome weekend x