Tag: thoughts

Digging Deeper #7

Andy YoungLeave a comment

How do I feel at the moment?
Angry, ashamed, sorry for myself, and a whole host of negativity.

What do I need more of in my life?
Happyness, friends, purpose

What would make me happy right now?
Seeing my best friend who lives far away

What is going right in my life?
I’m keeping the blog up to date, I can do more each day with moving about.

What am I grateful for?
My kids. They never fail to amuse and amaze me.

When did I experience joy this week?
The first sip of my morning black coffee.

List all my small victories and successes
I managed to donate over 10 devices this week at work
I’m alive after being alone for 9 days (good practice)

What’s bothering me? why?
I don’t want to say, lets leave it at that.

What are my priorities at the moment?
Finding accommodation for me and my budgies.

What do I love about myself?
My awesome ability to annoy people.

It worked

Andy YoungLeave a comment

The method of trying to banish the sleep demon was unorthodox but it served its purpose. I couldn’t see the words on the screen anymore as I was that tired. It was around 5am, and I managed to secure a spot on the sofa with a few bribes for the dogs. I fell asleep instantly. It was AMAZING. No thoughts, no rolling around listening to people condemning you. It was bliss. I was up at 7am to walk the dogs and here I am now. Tired but not defeated. Hopefully, it’s enough to break the cycle. Although I’m still worried it won’t be enough.

R my daughter is coming to visit today, D has taken her and B to the circus since, for reasons unknown to me, I cannot drive them without supervision and we can’t leave Dobby the newbie on her own for very long. So D will bring R here and I can see her and annoy her. Still a far cry from the contact center I used to see her.

I should do a ‘Bizarre things that only happen to me’ list at some point.

I’m now messing with the Google Bard bot. So far he has been so useful in looking up and getting it summarised. Also interesting to see what the limitations are. For example, trying to get Bard to access my emails and search it for me was a failure due to privacy but if I told Bard my name he would remember it the next time we spoke. Thought that was pretty cool. It can also write blog posts but they come across as too clean if you get me. I’ll keep experimenting with it. Although as a programmer, I’m worried that it can auto-complete code. If that develops a lot of us will be out of work pretty fast. Or the market will become saturated as less skill is required to do it. Blah.

I’ll leave you with this awesome, flattering photo of Dobby the dog.

Have a good day!

Sleep demons

Andy Young2 Comments

My eyes hurt. I’m sure this is down to a lack of sleep. Got the screen on the dimmest mode possible which is helping. I’m having another rough day. Its been relentless for what will be a week tomorrow. I don’t want to go to sleep. Not for some petulant reason but more if I push myself to exhaustion then when I do sleep it will be dreamless. I know I’m supposed to take PRN meds when this happens but I took them yesterday and really didn’t like what they did to me.

I’m finding it hard to keep this bad stuff bottled up. I’m trying my hardest to not unleash it upon the family so it doesn’t affect everyone. Not that I would do anything stupid but it would just worry them and I don’t want to do that at the moment. Things are fractured enough in the family, I fear any more additions would break the horses back.

Happier things,

Dobby the dog has found a new hobby. I discovered this whilst doing the dishes earlier this week. Although, I have noticed that randomly socks appear in the kitchen. I thought that it was someone just ditching socks so I can match them. But then I noticed the dog acting funny. It seems Dobby has developed this habit of picking up a sock and placing it randomly in the kitchen. He doesn’t chew it, nor does he play with it. He simply picks up a sock and put’s it on the floor and then runs off to fetch another one. It appears that he will only do this when I don’t look at him. It is unbelievably cute and probably stems from his sheepdog heritage. So far this week he has beaten his personal best of three socks placed while my back is turned. He annoying cute bugger that he is.

As it’s almost 2am, and D went to bed early, I’ve got both of the dogs with me downstairs while I type this. Probably best not to take them upstairs and sleep in the bed as it will wake D up and she’s not been feeling well lately. She’s having a bit of a hard time working things out so I try and just be helpful when I can and listen when she speaks. So. Yes, Dogs are sleeping on the sofa. One side each. It’s cute but the only problem is I now have nowhere to sleep down here. I’ll probably sleep in the middle and see what happens. Slowly stretching out to the point of poking them out with my feet. It’s nice that every day, little by little, they are more accepting of each other. It’s not like they growl or bite, or fight, but yeah. Who knew that an extra dog would bring some companionship for Nina and ultimately me as well. We do however still need a cat to make up the numbers in the house. Saying that Nina is in her sanctuary upstairs away from Dobby who chased her whenever he gets the chance.

That’ll do for the midnight thoughts.

Think I can manage another hour. Should be enough for a very deep sleep without my thoughts plaguing me before falling asleep which worries me the post.

Goodnight. Hope you all had/have an amazing weekend.

“Two possibilities exist: either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.”

Andy Young2 Comments

So, which is it? Are we alone in the universe, or are we not? Both possibilities are equally terrifying.

Always loved this quote. Something about it just resonates in my head. I look forward to the day, probably my son’s generation, when they will hear a bloop on a satellite somewhere indicating an intelligent signal. It’s simply not possible to believe in a world other than our own in the vast expanse of the Universe. I think my generation will be long gone before that happens. Nice to think it wouldn’t. Like flying cars. We were promised flying cars by now and that hasn’t happened so there is not much hope for us!

My BPD is playing up today. I had lots of plans and little plans to accomplish but I couldn’t seem to get my feet off the ground to do it. I’ve managed to have an existential crisis, tidy the lounge & kitchen, take delivery & put away all the food shopping and that’s where it ends. It’s not a case of sitting on the sofa power scrolling my way through FB but a gentle sob with a tear in my eye trying to stop thinking.

This is a dangerous area for me. When this starts to happen I need to catch it fast, trap it, and then deep space launch it to the sun. Stopping thinking, personally, is the hardest part of this condition. You just simply cannot shut the voices up. I’m trying the counting method which I explained before but it’s like there are levels in my head where I think of different things. I count, then I hear a voice whilst still counting so I start a new count at the opposite pace of the first count and then another voice and I get THE biggest headache trying to cover that with this and so on. It’s led me to a dark place where I want to just crack open a few pills, rum, lots of rum, and numb everything. I know I’m supposed to take valium when this happens but I hate the stuff because I need a large dose which causes a hangover the next day.

I just need to take my mind off things for a while. But this happened five days ago. I hate the rapid cycles. It’ll probably be mostly gone by the evening and I’ll be back to my cheery self. But what if it’s not? so the cycle continues.

So, the plan for today will be to take the dogs on their afternoon walk, get dog food for them on the way to get the kids, get the kids, and then slink back into the darkness and safety of the house. How about you guys, many wild plans for today?

The Update

Andy YoungLeave a comment

Hey guys,
Its been a couple of weeks since I’ve had a chance to do a proper post. Not that I havent been wanting to, so please take that into consideration for my absence. We managed to sneak away on Sunday to Scarborough for a night. This place is my spiritual home. By the sea. Relaxing and watching the kids have a great time. Especially when we tied the visit in with a trip up the road to Whitby. Home of Dracula at the Abbey. So yes, we had a lovely time and came back late on Monday. The kids are heading back to school next week. I have mixed feelings. Usually I welcome them going back because then I can get back to working proper hours but its been nice looking after them for the summer holidays. Sometimes not so much but even then, yeah, they can go back now 😉

There is change in the wind as well. I’ll be shifting my business from one direction to another. Actually more tuning it to point at something else rather than what I’m currently doing. This is in part to make it profitable but it means I have to reduce my charity work which has been 90% of my time. Its a shame but I have my reasons. That’ll be transistioning over the next month or so. This also means leaving my office but need to get it emptied first.

Guilt. It is truly interesting feeling. One of the more complex ones for me to work out and act on. Usually I can swallow pretty big pills and never hear from them again. Sometimes I’ll tease some memories out of the box. The moment it emerges from the box it gets infected. An emotion is assigned to it without any choice, its randomly whatever my brain feels like doing. So for example, I could have a happy memory locked away somewhere. A trigger will happen which causes it to pop up. Instead of happy, every other type of emotion is matched to it. B being born was amazing. The same time I was at rehab and escaped for the hospital to him being born. I’m happy but sad. Actually when I think about it, its like a seesaw. For every positive there is a negative. That negative tends to be felt more than the positive. For some reason the negative always wins over the positive. I guess thats where my brain chemistry comes into it. My ability to infect a memory. Having an impulsive nature doesn’t help. I supress it to the point where it does affect my life but its safer this way. It keeps manic moods under some form of regulation.

The reason why I mention guilt is because it is an overriding negative emotion that I struggle with. The main problem aside from above is the fact that I can feel guilty for the wrong thing and not the right things. Bad things I have done in the past, as far as I can tell, get put through a filter which then decides to either keep it in my conscious mind or to put it on the back shelf to play with later. When it comes through the filter an emotion is marked against it but this is overwritten when its retrieved and I’m left confused. I robbed a shop, I feel happy about this but I should feel guilty. My brain pushes it to the back of the line. Trigger event. Memory comes back. I should feel guilty but instead I now find myself experiencing sadness. Sadness but not over the damage caused but because I could of done more. Argh. I’m terrible at explaining things and trying to get my point accross.

Well since its only you that this blog aims to help later in life, it doesn’t matter too much as you would know what I was wanting to say.

Man I could do with some rum when my brain starts analysing itself. I’m trying as hard as I can to improve the way I think, I read up on it and try different things. Getting it out on the screen has helped the most so far. That way I can look back and see if I have made any progress.

Stay tuned for the next oddly strange thought ridden post!