Its been a couple of weeks since I’ve had a chance to do a proper post. Not that I havent been wanting to, so please take that into consideration for my absence. We managed to sneak away on Sunday to Scarborough for a night. This place is my spiritual home. By the sea. Relaxing and watching the kids have a great time. Especially when we tied the visit in with a trip up the road to Whitby. Home of Dracula at the Abbey. So yes, we had a lovely time and came back late on Monday. The kids are heading back to school next week. I have mixed feelings. Usually I welcome them going back because then I can get back to working proper hours but its been nice looking after them for the summer holidays. Sometimes not so much but even then, yeah, they can go back now 😉
There is change in the wind as well. I’ll be shifting my business from one direction to another. Actually more tuning it to point at something else rather than what I’m currently doing. This is in part to make it profitable but it means I have to reduce my charity work which has been 90% of my time. Its a shame but I have my reasons. That’ll be transistioning over the next month or so. This also means leaving my office but need to get it emptied first.
Guilt. It is truly interesting feeling. One of the more complex ones for me to work out and act on. Usually I can swallow pretty big pills and never hear from them again. Sometimes I’ll tease some memories out of the box. The moment it emerges from the box it gets infected. An emotion is assigned to it without any choice, its randomly whatever my brain feels like doing. So for example, I could have a happy memory locked away somewhere. A trigger will happen which causes it to pop up. Instead of happy, every other type of emotion is matched to it. B being born was amazing. The same time I was at rehab and escaped for the hospital to him being born. I’m happy but sad. Actually when I think about it, its like a seesaw. For every positive there is a negative. That negative tends to be felt more than the positive. For some reason the negative always wins over the positive. I guess thats where my brain chemistry comes into it. My ability to infect a memory. Having an impulsive nature doesn’t help. I supress it to the point where it does affect my life but its safer this way. It keeps manic moods under some form of regulation.
The reason why I mention guilt is because it is an overriding negative emotion that I struggle with. The main problem aside from above is the fact that I can feel guilty for the wrong thing and not the right things. Bad things I have done in the past, as far as I can tell, get put through a filter which then decides to either keep it in my conscious mind or to put it on the back shelf to play with later. When it comes through the filter an emotion is marked against it but this is overwritten when its retrieved and I’m left confused. I robbed a shop, I feel happy about this but I should feel guilty. My brain pushes it to the back of the line. Trigger event. Memory comes back. I should feel guilty but instead I now find myself experiencing sadness. Sadness but not over the damage caused but because I could of done more. Argh. I’m terrible at explaining things and trying to get my point accross.
Well since its only you that this blog aims to help later in life, it doesn’t matter too much as you would know what I was wanting to say.
Man I could do with some rum when my brain starts analysing itself. I’m trying as hard as I can to improve the way I think, I read up on it and try different things. Getting it out on the screen has helped the most so far. That way I can look back and see if I have made any progress.
Stay tuned for the next oddly strange thought ridden post!