The Update

Hey guys,
Its been a couple of weeks since I’ve had a chance to do a proper post. Not that I havent been wanting to, so please take that into consideration for my absence. We managed to sneak away on Sunday to Scarborough for a night. This place is my spiritual home. By the sea. Relaxing and watching the kids have a great time. Especially when we tied the visit in with a trip up the road to Whitby. Home of Dracula at the Abbey. So yes, we had a lovely time and came back late on Monday. The kids are heading back to school next week. I have mixed feelings. Usually I welcome them going back because then I can get back to working proper hours but its been nice looking after them for the summer holidays. Sometimes not so much but even then, yeah, they can go back now 😉

There is change in the wind as well. I’ll be shifting my business from one direction to another. Actually more tuning it to point at something else rather than what I’m currently doing. This is in part to make it profitable but it means I have to reduce my charity work which has been 90% of my time. Its a shame but I have my reasons. That’ll be transistioning over the next month or so. This also means leaving my office but need to get it emptied first.

Guilt. It is truly interesting feeling. One of the more complex ones for me to work out and act on. Usually I can swallow pretty big pills and never hear from them again. Sometimes I’ll tease some memories out of the box. The moment it emerges from the box it gets infected. An emotion is assigned to it without any choice, its randomly whatever my brain feels like doing. So for example, I could have a happy memory locked away somewhere. A trigger will happen which causes it to pop up. Instead of happy, every other type of emotion is matched to it. B being born was amazing. The same time I was at rehab and escaped for the hospital to him being born. I’m happy but sad. Actually when I think about it, its like a seesaw. For every positive there is a negative. That negative tends to be felt more than the positive. For some reason the negative always wins over the positive. I guess thats where my brain chemistry comes into it. My ability to infect a memory. Having an impulsive nature doesn’t help. I supress it to the point where it does affect my life but its safer this way. It keeps manic moods under some form of regulation.

The reason why I mention guilt is because it is an overriding negative emotion that I struggle with. The main problem aside from above is the fact that I can feel guilty for the wrong thing and not the right things. Bad things I have done in the past, as far as I can tell, get put through a filter which then decides to either keep it in my conscious mind or to put it on the back shelf to play with later. When it comes through the filter an emotion is marked against it but this is overwritten when its retrieved and I’m left confused. I robbed a shop, I feel happy about this but I should feel guilty. My brain pushes it to the back of the line. Trigger event. Memory comes back. I should feel guilty but instead I now find myself experiencing sadness. Sadness but not over the damage caused but because I could of done more. Argh. I’m terrible at explaining things and trying to get my point accross.

Well since its only you that this blog aims to help later in life, it doesn’t matter too much as you would know what I was wanting to say.

Man I could do with some rum when my brain starts analysing itself. I’m trying as hard as I can to improve the way I think, I read up on it and try different things. Getting it out on the screen has helped the most so far. That way I can look back and see if I have made any progress.

Stay tuned for the next oddly strange thought ridden post!

Tuesday. A step closer to the weekend.

I never quite understood work politics. It has always been something that I’ve steered clear of, however, I seem to get drawn into it more and more to protect my staff. Its the blame culture that I disagree with so much. I never quite understood why someone couldn’t stand up and proclaim “It was me, I made the mistake”, learn from it (depending on severity) and move on. Instead, people have to be devious and calculating which causes so much more hassle and messes with the office ‘karma’. Leaving certain people in a corner where they have to correct the mess.

I’ve learned quite well to try and split personal and work into two different boxes. I’m a firm believer in ‘clocking’ off whenever you possibly can. A lot of my role, means working 12 hour days, so I try and take the breaks whenever I can, seriously. Its spilled into my personal life a few times now, with disasterous consequences. It is always quite terrifying, my work persona is 100% different to how I act in ‘real life’. When there was a snow day at the start of the year, I had to work from home. Co-ordinating staff whilst I was repairing the telecoms system remotely caused me to go into work mode. I could only appologise to J’s dropped face as she heard me shouting down the phone, rallying troops and arguing with various site engineers. My work persona is a twat. Arrogant, determined, very outspoken and outgoing. It has to be that way for me to survive and ‘get up the ladder’. It work’s quite well, and I know for a fact I wouldn’t be where I am now without it.

Fortunately, the people that matter to me at work know who I am. Probably through one of the ‘IT thank you days’ where I take the select few out for lunch on me. I like those afternoons out. The one time where I pull rank and give everyone an hour and a free lunch. Also part of why I love doing the catering at work for the meetings, its fun & relaxing. I can also try out different foods for people, except vegitarians, and its a way of getting along with everyone.

It made me feel better typing that out. Work is a huge part of my life at the moment, something which I know I need to seperate a bit better to free up my life a bit more. Its a vicious cycle because it will involve hiring more people to delegate to, then spend my days buried in paper work which is something I loathe. Helping with new marketing ideas, programming and creating core systems is something I enjoy more.

And cooking. I should open a bakery. Or a resturant, although bakery would be fantastic because I could bake things all day. I’m aware there is probably more to it than that. Ok. So a bakery in Whitby or Scarborough, with a house and a seaview and I’ll be quite content.

Complete subject change now. Yesterday after I posted I started looking at photos on the laptop. I noticed a few of JD when he was a puppy. It still amazes me how massive he is now. Own orbiting planets and everything!

I now miss JD. I think Mollymisses JD, she is currently gazing out of the sliding door things, waiting for a cat to appear. Bark and then give me a heart attack. On purpose because that is what she loves to do.Tea I think. Tea for all. And come dine with me. Both good things!

Its winter, get over it!

I still cant understand why people are complaining so much about the cold. Ok, I’m included in this as much as anyone. Its winter, I find it nice that for once the seasons are sticking to their strong points. It should be cold, it should be snowing and people should be making snowmen at every corner. Then if we follow that logic, the summer should be beautiful and lots of sun burn should ensue.

I haven’t posted in a while, probably because I’ve let work get the better of me lately and I’ve missed all my lunch breaks for a long time. That is usually when I get around to doing a post. Things are going well so far this year (touch wood) and hopefully they will stay that way.

The house is coming along great. We have a fantastically awesome couch now. Although it was a huge pain in the bum to get it sorted as we paid cash, and then they took months to deliver it. Arggh and what not. But it came, before Christmas, and are bums were so happy to have a proper place to sit. We also got a dining table which was used copiously over the festive period, which was lovely. Throw in a bookcase, dvd racks and some awesome canvas art from J and the house is finally taking shape.

Christmas was a lovely affair. I think what did it was that we have are own place now, so we didnt have to travel everywhere on Christmas day and just sit in one location whilst everyone came to us! I also got to cook and hide in the kitchen which was great and enjoyed it.

The new year so far was good. We got snowed in for a couple of days, which would have been great had it not been for server death at work and trying to fix that remotely. J also got to see my work persona, which is quite strict and shouty at people, but then I have to be.

On Valentines day I wisked J away to Blackpool for a picnic on the beach. Ok, we had it in the car because it was so cold outside, it was still nice and think she enjoyed it too. Molly loved it as she got to have her first run at the sea for year. When we got back I made a two course meal and then proposed back to J. So technically I couldnt propose as she did this first but blah. So she now has an engagement ring. We havent set a date yet or anything like that, but am sure we’ll set one soon once jobs are sorted.

So without futher delay here is an army of pictures covering whats been going on since I last posted:

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(1) Pepi decided to help when we were unpacking by building a fort and commanding the troops from there. (2) This is the dutch pancake house back in wales that we go to far to often. (3) We went to whitby at the start of december for a couple of days to stay at the cottage, we stopped by York on the way to do some christmas shopping and they had this pretty tree in the middle of a square. They also had people dressed up as vikings heh! (4) This is a good example of why you shouldnt take pictures of people unawares.I have no idea why I look miserable but its in Whitby, I was cold and it was Christmas.

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(1) Scarborough harbour in all its prettyness. (2) We bought molly a coat which made her all snug and warm, dont think she likes it but I find it adorably cute! (3) On the penny arcade thing, where you put 2p’s in? well we put loads in and won a couple of mystery prizes. The guy who was minding the place pulled out a bag of simpsons stuffed toys and I almost died from Glee! so we ended up getting itchy and scratchy. (4) Not sure if its come out right but its a panoramic shot of the hole of horcum. A pretty place we stopped at on the way back to Manchester.

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(1) The pretty Christmas tree and not so pretty me on the phone. (2) View from Ikea and first proper snow of the year! Little did we know that much much more would follow! (3) This is the church near our house, looks pretty till J waved her arm over one of the spot lights and killed it. (4) This is the graveyard. I like graveyards, always nice to walk through.

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(1) J made a snowman. The glitter still haunts the garden and blows about in the wind. (2) Christmas day and the roast I made. (3) We went to see J’s mum in Preston and walked there insanely strong dog Sasha. (4) Oh another panoramic shot of where we walked about in Preston. (5) A fixer upper of a boat!
The reason why I had a couple of days off! The car wouldnt even budge from the space as the snow was half way up the bloody wheel. Very pretty though and we went for an awesome walk at lunch time. Then crap happened at work. Blah.
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(1) You can see how deep the snow was on J’s welly thingies! (2) Pretty view. (3) More pretty views of the train line near where we live. (4) We managed to get back to Wales at the start of the year and I decided to make a snowangel on the mountain. The snow was ice and it hurt heh. Ohh look at my beard. Lazyness!

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(1)
This is the graveyard where J’s granddad in buried and we try and visit once a month. J is playing stealth cat with the tree. (2) Panoramic. You can tell that this function with the camera is yay. (3) Jmade a cross stitch of a tiger which was raar. (4) Molly in blackpool looking expectantly with her beloved frisbee thing.

Funfair!Where is the rest of it?Blackpool Tower under FogMen at workMe and Molly

(1) Pleasure beach thingie in blackpool! (2) J found a dead person in the skip. (3) Blackpool tower hiding in the mist. (4) People playing with a boat. (5) Me playing with molly on th beach trying to pursuade her to run up and see J. It didnt work.

And thats about it. There are loads more photos I still need to put on but then they would get lost if I I put them all on now, so I’ll save them for a post later. I also still want to put up all the stuff from when Santa proposed heh.

So hope everyone is good and life is happy. I just got my bueno bar delivered so will commence face stuffage.