So S is at home with me at the moment as her bubble burst at school for the second time this year. Its a bit sad because this was her last week in Primary School before heading to High School in September. So she is doing classes online since Monday and I’ve been working from home as shes not old enough to be on her own for too long, plus ASD.

She sends me this message from her room next to mine. How the hell did she get so old quick. Crazy. She already came into my room asking questions. They just watched “The Miracle of child birth” by the sounds of it. That or a porn video from pornhub with excessive screaming. I really hope it was child birth.

Its warm again. I’m British therefore I’m allowed to moan about the weather. It is one of the things we tend to talk about in random passing conversation with strangers. They said there might be thunderstorms later which I can’t wait for. I absolutely LOVE thunder and lightning the rain smashing down on the roof, the noise. Its so calming and exciting at the same time.

Growing up in a farm house had its perks when it comes to rain. Slate Roof. The noises of rain hitting slate instantly puts me to sleep. Its not the same when it hits anything else, especially in England where they dont usually use slate. Especially not in new builds.

Not that I miss living in the countryside….

The mental health is waxing and waning these days. Yesterday I was bad in the morning, ok for the afternoon and then bad late evening. I wish I could understand it better. I have everything a person could want in life but I still have these thoughts, feelings and behaviours that I can’t stop. I have the emergency number to call, which D wanted me to last night but by that point I popped some codiene and had beer which blurred things out a bit. I’ll try and call them if it gets worse.

Nina is doing ok. She had a blood test yesterday to try and figure out the fits. They think she is having partial fits every day from the descriptions and videos D did. Its not life threatning which is good but the bills are slowly getting higher and higher. Thank god for the pet insurance because the MRI scan is Ā£3k on its own.

Blank Pages

After all the stuff that has been happening mental health wise, my doctor made an urgent referral to the hospital again so I can see my consultant. I thought in preperation I would type down my thoughts. What I typed I dont know as I didnt look at the screen, printed it and closed notepad. Yes. I still use notepad. Programmers habits die hard. I’ve folded it and put it in my pocket. What I typed came from just letting my mind do the typing, so am not feeling too great after that because its knocked my anxiety and paranoia up a notch. I’ll give it to the consultant at the end of the meeting because I’m scared about what I typed. That way I can make a run to the door before they can stop me šŸ˜‰

It was so hard though. Typing out what you are feeling is never easy but when you really have a hard time processing and dealing with emotions its the ultimate block. Well. Not a block. It either comes out manically and fast or nothing at all. Extremes. Suppose thats why they call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Learn something new every day.

B’s communion is tomorrow which I’m looking forward to. Hes been working towards it for a while and we’ve got a big tent up in the garden for a meal with friends and family tomorrow. Due to covid the only people allowed in the church are me and D which is a shame as I know D’s mum wanted to come as well.

The dog, Nina, is doing well. No more fits or episodes in over a week. Hopefully it was just from stress and now that shes chilled everything has calmed down for her. I’m guessing due to being starved for the 5 years of her life, her obsession for eating food won’t stop. Shes still underweight but we’ve been sticking to a planned diet and shes slowly putting on weight again which is great. Problem is we have to hide everything food related. She demolished a bag of brioche rolls (no chocolate) when I went upstairs for two minutes the other day. Sad in a way but hopefully she’ll come to trust the regular feeding and be happy with that.

Meat tendoriser to the arm. Best reset the SH timer from last September then. F*cking brain.

Random News

So I have been meaning to do a post today but for some reason or another I didn’t get the chance. So naturally, as you do. I’m typing this on the mobile wordpress app in the comfort of my bed.

I mention comfort as we bought a new mattress that doesn’t cause your spine to fuse with the strings of the bed. It’s been great so far, never underestimate the awesomeness of a new mattress after living with one with rusty springs.

My god I must be getting to mid-age when I’m rambling about a comfortable bed. Today has been an odd one. S woke up this morning not able to walk on her leg. So instead of school she went to a&e for the day to be told the x-rays were clear and to calpol up. Hopefully she goes back tomorrow as I can’t afford another day away from tinkering laptop donations. Selfish as that might be!

I skipped my therapy session I had booked today but I really wasn’t in the right place mentally. Granted that’s the whole point of it but sitting for an hour discussing addiction and emotional control issues just didn’t seem like a good idea. Instead I watched “the greatest show” with B and popped up some pop corn šŸæ.

Some good news. We are getting a second hand dog to hopefully help with having an emotional support animal. Should be interesting but worth a try. Apparently it’s called Luna and should be ready by the end of the month šŸ™‚

Whitby… again

So we are back from the holiday we had in Whitby. Actually we came back a couple of weeks ago but I’ve not had the time to upload the pictures. So I forced myself to remember to take them this morning. Huzzah. The holiday was good, although ended up needing to be a bit longer. The weather couldnt have been better as it was blue skies everyday which was great. Ok so the tempreture was still low, but wrapped up in a coat, hat and scarf, you bearly notice it šŸ™‚


When we got there we went straight out to Whitby. The waves that were crashing were insane. I dont know if you can see it in the pictures but was spraying water everywhere. Which was fun actually heh. The next picture is of the lighthouse at the end of the pier thing. Oh then more waves crashing over and then the beach the next day. That little black dot would be mo.

As you can see molly had an awesome time. The second day was better because the waves died down so at least she could have a swim in the sea. J took this awesome picture, with the panoramic thing on. Look, blue sky!! Then we drove along to a place called ‘Sandsend‘. I was busy protesting J taking my picture and didnt realise a big wave was coming in, so its a genuine look of suprise heh. Ohhh then we went to um end, something end, or something with sand in the title. There were surfers trying to go out to surf but they kept falling off. We stayed for what must have been an hour waiting for one of them surf so J could take the perfect shot. It didnt happen.

The panoramic is at the end of the pier soyou should be able to make out a few of the surfers. Annnd that is a wave hitting the end of the pier. Was quite funny every time it hit the pier the whole thing started shaking! Molly was itching to jump in. Third picture is of some limpets. Its true, its next to impossible to break them off the rock. Oh and Elvis made an appearance in the cottage there.

And then on the last night, while molly was trying to sleep, we decided to torment her with a teddy. See look its whispering sweet nothings in her ear!!! And then gave up. And then we got busted and she glared at us.

On the way there we were stuck in traffic so JĀ  started messing around with the camera. The second one is of the new part of the Traff. Finally the last two are of the ever changing lounge.

Thats about it really. Awesome time had, just a shame it went by so quickly! Anyways, hope everything in world is good.