Blank Pages

After all the stuff that has been happening mental health wise, my doctor made an urgent referral to the hospital again so I can see my consultant. I thought in preperation I would type down my thoughts. What I typed I dont know as I didnt look at the screen, printed it and closed notepad. Yes. I still use notepad. Programmers habits die hard. I’ve folded it and put it in my pocket. What I typed came from just letting my mind do the typing, so am not feeling too great after that because its knocked my anxiety and paranoia up a notch. I’ll give it to the consultant at the end of the meeting because I’m scared about what I typed. That way I can make a run to the door before they can stop me 😉

It was so hard though. Typing out what you are feeling is never easy but when you really have a hard time processing and dealing with emotions its the ultimate block. Well. Not a block. It either comes out manically and fast or nothing at all. Extremes. Suppose thats why they call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Learn something new every day.

B’s communion is tomorrow which I’m looking forward to. Hes been working towards it for a while and we’ve got a big tent up in the garden for a meal with friends and family tomorrow. Due to covid the only people allowed in the church are me and D which is a shame as I know D’s mum wanted to come as well.

The dog, Nina, is doing well. No more fits or episodes in over a week. Hopefully it was just from stress and now that shes chilled everything has calmed down for her. I’m guessing due to being starved for the 5 years of her life, her obsession for eating food won’t stop. Shes still underweight but we’ve been sticking to a planned diet and shes slowly putting on weight again which is great. Problem is we have to hide everything food related. She demolished a bag of brioche rolls (no chocolate) when I went upstairs for two minutes the other day. Sad in a way but hopefully she’ll come to trust the regular feeding and be happy with that.

Meat tendoriser to the arm. Best reset the SH timer from last September then. F*cking brain.