I’ve been meaning to write this down for a few days now before it gets lost in the mess that is my brain. I was walking out of the shop before getting the kids from school and clear as day I heard “Hoi lieverd, echt een prachtige zon vandaag. Hoe het met jou?” in my mums voice. It instantly brought a smile to my face. I answered in my head that it is a lovely day today and hope she is ok wherever that might be. Loosely translated she said “Hey sweetheart, its a really beautiful sun today. How are you?”.
I was thinking about it the rest of the day, I even went to go and call my mum to let her know I heard her. It was nice because it was so unexpected. With my conditions its not unusual for me to have visual and audio halluncinations. Especially audiable ones. Usually its the odd random word, sometimes internal, sometimes external.
Then I realise within those moments that Mum died in 2014 from lung cancer and the joys that come with having that.
I have mixed emotions when it comes to Mum. Part of me is angry with her and the way she did certain things. I’m also happy and thankful that I had her as a mum, as I had a liberal upbringing. Then when you throw my Dad dying a couple of years ago it all gets a bit confusing and conflicted in my brain so I have to quickly compartmentalise the memories so as to stop being triggered.
I’ve been feeling down lately. I’m struggling with suicidal thoughts again. Planning phase so its escalated from passing thoughts to active. If it gets worse to dates of doing it then, well, I’ll make sure to tell people but not till then. No point worrying them. I’m already the root cause of being the dysfunctional person in the family. But yes. Can’t escape the thoughts anymore. Hanging, wrists, meds… I’ve already crossed the line into abuse of meds again but thats just to escape the cycle. Its not working as it usually does though. Usually I can take something and it will knock me off the thought patterns. It used to be self harm but I’ve not done that since September last year I think when I started burning myself with lighters for a changing and left yet more scarring to my arms and wrists.
On the plus side we have a new member of the family. A doggo. Named Nina. She is a 5 year old rescue dog who was really badly treated, beaten and starved. She has such a lovely temperment though. We are all slowly falling in love with her and her with us. It started off as getting an emotional support animal for me to have. Then evolved into saving a dog from a horrible life and an injection. I’ll keep you posted on how she settles. Fortunately she is 5 so shes toilet trained and also very chilled for a doggie. The ones we have had in the past have had quirks but I haven’t found any with Nina yet. Bella is a bit jealous. She is still the best cat in the world. For me. Which I’m thankful for as I can sit anywhere in the house and she will come and sit with me for company. *looks behind* as demonstrated she has curled up in the fetal position behind me.
Work is proving challenging at the moment. I knew I was going to have highs and lows when I started my venture. Having been burned out from previous rolls and having psychotic episodes I was told to stop working by the doctors. Last March I declared myself open for business and the books are now leveling which is great for charity work. I won’t get into details as I would rather people not see my thoughts if they knew who this was. However, you dear reader, I’m sure have worked it out and if not, could do so quite quickly.
I’ll go back to planning things. Music. Clothes. Who gets what.
It has to.