turning 40 Archives

So today is my birthday!

40 years, never in a million years did I think I would make it to this milestone. Despite trying my best to kill myself multiple times, I am somehow still here. I find that cause to celebrate. A subway with all the toppings is en route.

I got cards this morning and S made me some stickers to use. I had a meeting with a few people this morning to do with mental health. They are going to put a few things in place to help out. I had to show them my arm with all the bruising from the past few days. They said that when it turns into killing myself then call the emergency services. Because obviously, you think of doing that when you are in the ‘zone’. I guess they have to tell you that just in case you do something so they are covered.

They’ve arranged a big meeting in September where all my caseworkers are being assembled to see if they have sorted my housing and mental health things out. It’s an accountability meeting with 7 people on the must-attend list. That petrifies me, but the social worker this morning reassured me about it. It’s a good meeting not a bad one and if I don’t want it all at once I can separate it. He is also going to chase up the housing officer who has been assigned my case to see what steps he is taking to make things happen. Basically, I need a place to live. Then everything else will fall into place.

R remembered it was my birthday and sent me wishes. This made me happy.

I’ll probably do a QOTD since I love doing them, later.

…

40 more years. Christ.

I will be 40 in a few months and it feels like I should be thinking about the future. About what I want out of life, what I want to do with life, and how to exist. Should I retrain into a new profession, or should I stop the charity work for paid work? What lessons can I teach my son, what experiences have they had? They are growing up now too. B is going to be 12 and R is 13! The things they like are so different now and I think I miss them being small. I never thought that, I always wished they would be teenagers and sleep all the time but now I miss them. What is life like, post-kids? we want to buy a house but struggling with the deposit. The price here in Manchester is crazy so we are looking at Scotland near Saltcoats. Cheaper and bigger houses just be a shame to move the kids while they are in school still.

Trying to figure out if this is a midlife crisis where I miss everything, want to change and try new things and explore the world more. I was very lucky when I was young as my parents took us on trips around the world, going to different places. I thought I would have found my place in the world by now.

D is taking the kids on holiday. B first to Germany for a few days and then probably Spain with S. I will be at home for both trips, staying with the dogs, and because I trigger B. Dont know what to say about that really.

Rambling blog post today

What are your values? What is important to you? What do you want to achieve in life?
What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing?
What are your dreams and goals? What do you want to accomplish in the next 5, 10, or 20 years?