When mum comes to visit

I’ve been meaning to write this down for a few days now before it gets lost in the mess that is my brain. I was walking out of the shop before getting the kids from school and clear as day I heard “Hoi lieverd, echt een prachtige zon vandaag. Hoe het met jou?” in my mums voice. It instantly brought a smile to my face. I answered in my head that it is a lovely day today and hope she is ok wherever that might be. Loosely translated she said “Hey sweetheart, its a really beautiful sun today. How are you?”.

I was thinking about it the rest of the day, I even went to go and call my mum to let her know I heard her. It was nice because it was so unexpected. With my conditions its not unusual for me to have visual and audio halluncinations. Especially audiable ones. Usually its the odd random word, sometimes internal, sometimes external.

Then I realise within those moments that Mum died in 2014 from lung cancer and the joys that come with having that.

I have mixed emotions when it comes to Mum. Part of me is angry with her and the way she did certain things. I’m also happy and thankful that I had her as a mum, as I had a liberal upbringing. Then when you throw my Dad dying a couple of years ago it all gets a bit confusing and conflicted in my brain so I have to quickly compartmentalise the memories so as to stop being triggered.

I’ve been feeling down lately. I’m struggling with suicidal thoughts again. Planning phase so its escalated from passing thoughts to active. If it gets worse to dates of doing it then, well, I’ll make sure to tell people but not till then. No point worrying them. I’m already the root cause of being the dysfunctional person in the family. But yes. Can’t escape the thoughts anymore. Hanging, wrists, meds… I’ve already crossed the line into abuse of meds again but thats just to escape the cycle. Its not working as it usually does though. Usually I can take something and it will knock me off the thought patterns. It used to be self harm but I’ve not done that since September last year I think when I started burning myself with lighters for a changing and left yet more scarring to my arms and wrists.

On the plus side we have a new member of the family. A doggo. Named Nina. She is a 5 year old rescue dog who was really badly treated, beaten and starved. She has such a lovely temperment though. We are all slowly falling in love with her and her with us. It started off as getting an emotional support animal for me to have. Then evolved into saving a dog from a horrible life and an injection. I’ll keep you posted on how she settles. Fortunately she is 5 so shes toilet trained and also very chilled for a doggie. The ones we have had in the past have had quirks but I haven’t found any with Nina yet. Bella is a bit jealous. She is still the best cat in the world. For me. Which I’m thankful for as I can sit anywhere in the house and she will come and sit with me for company. *looks behind* as demonstrated she has curled up in the fetal position behind me.

Work is proving challenging at the moment. I knew I was going to have highs and lows when I started my venture. Having been burned out from previous rolls and having psychotic episodes I was told to stop working by the doctors. Last March I declared myself open for business and the books are now leveling which is great for charity work. I won’t get into details as I would rather people not see my thoughts if they knew who this was. However, you dear reader, I’m sure have worked it out and if not, could do so quite quickly.

I’ll go back to planning things. Music. Clothes. Who gets what.

It’ll pass.

It has to.

Meme & memories

I recently downloaded all the photos that Google had stored under my account. I keep looking through them, they’ve broken them up into years so it’s interesting time traveling. Today I focussed on the memes. I don’t know why but the cat to the left of this always ALWAYS makes me smile. Its a photo that you can hear saying “What?!” in your head. Then again. Maybe that’s just me and my crazyness. Who wants to be normal anyways!

So I’m back on Spotify again. Although keeping it clean as the kids are home and its weekend. Well clean-ish. I dont approve of my kids swearing but when it comes to music I let them have musical expression. So they can listen to songs with explicit lyrics because sometimes you need them to express a feeling or emotion. Not saying I’ll let them listen to “So what” by Metallica but there run of the mill music is fine.

I’m not sure if its part of the mental health problems that amplify my total and utter hatred of people chewing with mouths open. It drives me insane. I will just randomly walk out of the room so I don’t say something I’ll regret. But seriously? is it that hard to close your mouth?! I think its with most things. I always hated people who chewed gum because of the noise. Thats a weird one. Memories of being 14 and explaining to one of my friends that just because you chew gum it doesnt mean you can’t close your mouth whilst doing it. The kid said “But thats how you chew gum”. He became an ex friend at that point. Shallow and an over reaction. I’m well aware of that.

In retrospect, I’ve done many a petty, over reactive reactions towards differing things. Its not a trait I love about myself

This meme always made me chuckle. My wife is roman catholic, as are the kids. I’m still the outsider. I’ll go with them to church for moral support but I don’t do the kneeling and things. Its important to my wife so I’m supportive of it. B has his holy communion coming up. He has always been “into church stuff” which is great, so he takes it seriously. Well. To a degree. I think he like the story but doesn’t quite follow the rules. Anyways, looking forward to that event next month. We are having a big party in the garden with a few friends coming over. I would say family but I’ve ran out of relatives in this country, the rest are in Holland.

Back to the meme. It actually made me think when did I first figure out where and how babies came from. I honestly for the life of me don’t remember. I have a few gaps in my memory, for example my earliest memories don’t start till I’m like 8 years old and even then they are really vague. One of my first memories being my brother putting heat cream (the cream you put on a muscle and it warms it up) on the toilet seat followed by my screaming after visiting said toilet. Or the time he decided to pee in my glass which had apple juice in and I took a huge gulp. He was lovely.

I had to cancel my therapy this week. I feel bad for that because I’m supposed to stick to it but I’ve been avoiding talking again which I really need to learn not to do. I’ve had a bit of a hard week mentally. I had some really bad ptsd dreams the other night and thats triggered me a bit. Nothing exciting. Just the abuse back from when I was 13. I hate having the dreams. Reliving the same shit over and over again. Part of me thinks I should report them to the police and maybe that’ll give me closure. The other side of me doesn’t want the stress and let it be. Its been along time. Its still something I haven’t fully confronted. I have a had therapy centred around it but it go too intense so I had to back off a bit from it.

Didn’t mean to bum anyone out with that last paragraph. Have an awesome weekend x

Migraines and knee

Though totally unrelated to each other I had a migraine yesterday which is lingering today when exposed to light, a screen or if I move about. Taken an army of pills which left me feeling sick as a dog. The knee decided to start stopping me from driving properly which I must say is TOTALLY AWESOME when your actually driving and the burning feeling kicks in. It’s crazy. I took a bad tackle at like 14 years old on my right knee playing football and still get pain from it. So I’m laying in bed, leg raised and lights down low.

I’m sure you were all dying to know that!

Managed to cancel therapy yesterday at the last minute as I was holding back vomiting on the screen. Since I do it online I thought best to skip that one.

I’m hungry. Far to lazy to get out of bed. We need to dig out the Drone and use it for supply missions. Granted it’ll wake the kids but what finer way to have a packet of ready salted crisps dropped off. Tempting but D has fallen asleep so no.

B has his holy communion next month so we are planning a party. We did have somewhere booked but since Boris has us under extended lock down the restaurant cancelled all its bookings. So we are going for a garden party. Should be fun, we will get the food ordered in, got the gazebo so now just need to find someone to entertain the kids. Problem is I think clown and all I see is captain spalding in my head. Now that would be an awesome party.

Sorry for the generic post. I promise to do one with pretty photos tomorrow.

Google Photos

I discovered that you can mass download all the photos you have saved with Google Photos. 129k photos. I kid you not! Found this gem of a photo which shows probably my first mobile phone back at the end of high school. Only fitting that its taken in the pub, where I was getting drunk aged 16. Ahh the memories 🙂

I’ve been casually looking through the photos all day. Some great memories, some truly horrific but I think its important to recognise both at the same time. Hide as I might from my past, it always comes back to you. I suppose thats what the medication is for, so I dont remember too much.

I’ve not been well the past few days. Mentally I’m struggling and now I’m getting physical symptoms as well. My stomach in knots, the other me trying to take over and burst out. Its like walking through cement again. I only just got over my last bump and now another one? so soon? I hate this. The way it makes me feel. The thoughts it makes me have and the pain I put through others by not being available.

I had my thearapy yesterday which I was dreading. Turned out to be super useful in the end as he gave me a few more things for my skills toolbox to use when things are getting bad. He also asked if I needed hospitalisation but I couldnt and wont put the burden onto the hospitals. They are busy enough with covid. I’ll get through it. Just wish I knew how to get rid of the physical feelings because its bursting at the seams. All I can do is sit and wait for it to pass. Act normal and keep going. Despite what the other one wants me to do.

Enough of that.

Watched the last episode of friends just now. I never got round to watching the last series so I’ve been watching it on and off with D this and last month. It ended. I wasn’t sad but thats because I was expecting it. D was in tears. I just kept thinking about the reunion episode and how much crap 4 of them had injected into there faces. Joey was the clear winner. Weight gain is natural. Botox is not.

Tomorrow is weekend. I promised B to take him swimming and then a visit to the museum while D goes to work. Looking forward to that. Proper daddy-son day. Hell. Might take him fishing on Sunday too, if I can find a new shelter tent to buy!

Have a great weekend everyone

MusixMatch = Win!

So I discovered an acoustic cover of one of my favourite songs. On your own by Blur. Its an old 90s song but one that instantly transports me back to the mini-disc days. I had one album which had this song on. I was in college, all of 17 and we were headed to Disney Land in Paris. It was part of a college trip to learn about the IT side of things behind the scenes. Which. Well. I dont actually remember anything IT related. I remember sneaking whisky into the park and sight seeing. Anyway. I was in the coach on the way back, 10 hour drive, I had this album on repeat, I closed my eyes and woke up a few hours later and all I remember is hearing this song when I woke up almost near the college.

Instant time travel. Poorly explained but makes me smile.

Smiling is a rare thing around here at the moment. We all have life’s stresses being thrown at us these days. D included with her work and me, well, the mental health and addictions are winning at the moment which I’m trying hard to fix.

As the title implies in the post I’m still listening to lots of music. I discovered this software than spits out the lyrics to the songs you’ve got running in Spotify. So I can have it on my other monitor and sing a-long with a DIY kareoke.

The cat sums up the mood.

Hope everyone else is having an awesome day.

Random News

So I have been meaning to do a post today but for some reason or another I didn’t get the chance. So naturally, as you do. I’m typing this on the mobile wordpress app in the comfort of my bed.

I mention comfort as we bought a new mattress that doesn’t cause your spine to fuse with the strings of the bed. It’s been great so far, never underestimate the awesomeness of a new mattress after living with one with rusty springs.

My god I must be getting to mid-age when I’m rambling about a comfortable bed. Today has been an odd one. S woke up this morning not able to walk on her leg. So instead of school she went to a&e for the day to be told the x-rays were clear and to calpol up. Hopefully she goes back tomorrow as I can’t afford another day away from tinkering laptop donations. Selfish as that might be!

I skipped my therapy session I had booked today but I really wasn’t in the right place mentally. Granted that’s the whole point of it but sitting for an hour discussing addiction and emotional control issues just didn’t seem like a good idea. Instead I watched “the greatest show” with B and popped up some pop corn 🍿.

Some good news. We are getting a second hand dog to hopefully help with having an emotional support animal. Should be interesting but worth a try. Apparently it’s called Luna and should be ready by the end of the month 🙂

Music

My saviour once again. Music.

You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Sooner or later God’ll cut you down
Sooner or later God’ll cut you down

Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand
Workin’ in the dark against your fellow man
But as sure as God made black and white
What’s down in the dark will be brought to the light

Maybe something a bit new-ish 😉

Bite my tongue, bide my time
Wearing a warning sign
Wait ’til the world is mine
Visions I vandalize
Cold in my kingdom size

Addiction. Addiction is a killer, that much is true but the overwhelming feeling of forever saying no to every last prompt from your brain is so tiring. The irrational arguments your brain makes to try and trick you into saying yes and caving into your craving. I’m not just focussing on drink but having an addictive nature really isn’t much fun sometimes. You can reach out to people but if they have never been in the grips of a true addiction they will never understand. I do envy them, never having that nawing feeling and withdrawl. But then again I pity that they never got to experience such highs.

This is why music is so important to me. Its always been there in some form or another. Throughout my whole life I have always been fortunate to have music as a fall back. A safety net that I can stick in my ears and let the world detune a little bit and give me some space. The only problem is when I focus to hard on the lyrics and warp them into a personal situation. But I guess thats the point, isn’t it? to relate to music and make it apply to a situation, memory or whatever is occuring in our lives.

Weekend Report

So I had a nice weekend. D was working and then away training till late last night. I took the opportunity and had a Daddy and Son day. We went a park near by, B rode his bike while I chased after him on foot carrying a picnic, football and his ice cream. It was warm, it was green and it was bonding. We both had a great time, it was nice to let go and not think about much. After a few hours we came home. B hasn’t been very well the past few days (he’s the definition of health now) so we stayed at home and chilled. Playing Roblox, watching movies and talking.

It was mine and D’s wedding anniversary yesterday, its a shame we didn’t spend much of it together but she sent me a lovely message just after midnight which was great to wake up and read yesterday morning. I am proud of that. Sticking together through it all for this long. Long may it continue. The marriage. Not that bad stuff. That stuff can bugger off. The time we had together in the evening was amazing as always. R came round yesterday as well, my other daughter who doesn’t live with me. She brought fathers day presents and we had an awesome day playing and catching up which I love doing with her. Hearing about her life and then relaying whats happened in mine. S came back from her dads and all three of us had a monster McDonalds delivery and stuff our fat little faces. It was bliss.

Today

Today I’m sat waiting for the delivery of a new mattress as the current one is beyond bad. You can feel it poking and jabbing all night, far too soft so your spine has melted by the morning. So working from home this morning sending emails and catching up on admin. Also flitting between this and the other tabs with some music going. American Witch by Rob Zombie. The randomness of my play lists as the song is swiftly followed by an Eminem song.

Hope everyone has an awesome day.

About Me

Ok so I finished the About Me page a bit faster than I hoped. I’ll dump it here as well so if anyone stumbles upon it, feel free to follow 🙂

Hi everyone, thanks for looking at the about me page, a page that notoriously everyone hates. I started writing blogs back in 1999 when blogspot was still a thing. Is it still a thing? then I was on vox for ages and then came to find WordPress. I like just dumping my brain onto the keyboard and find it theraputic to just have a place where I can store the thoughts and live them there for a while. Typing things out and then reading it back really works for me.

I guess the whole point of the blog is about giving people an insight into the mind of someone who has several mental health problems, trys to be a good dad and husband and someone who has had massive issues with addiction in their life. I battle with myself, most days and most days I’m okay so long as I am on my meds (and its a long list) I’m fairly stable and happy. I don’t know. Maybe if someone can see that someone like me can do it, then they can. Live that is. Not just exist. My official labels are EUPD, Schizo-affective Disorder, CPTSD from teenage years trauma, Anxiey & Depression and the best one, night terrors. I’m not my labels. I’m just me, which I need to tell myself, often, as I’ve made peace with being a little bit odd.

If you are into honest answers, not to scared to delve into the dark world of things or you would just like to see the world in a different way then I promise not to disappoint!

I’m currently living in Manchester, UK. I love it here. I went to university close by and being able to see it is great because it brings back some really awesome memories from when I was in the halls of residence with my friends for 3 years. As the content on here will be quite personal I’ll have to vague up the answers a little bit. I do have kids, I have an amazing wife and I love the community work that I do. Bit more detail would be my top 5 things in the whole world? being close to my family even if I’m distant or my mood is off, comics, trading cards, collecting cool toys and relaxing. Or being lazy. Depends how you look at it. But personally sat with my favourite people, real or not, makes me calm. The best movies in the world have to be V for Vendetta, Night Watch, Heat, Jurrasic park and kids cartoons. Yes. You read that right, I love nothing more than sitting with B watching Mr Bean, Miraculous lady bug or even Hey Dougie. I love Whitby and Scarborough. Both being my favourite place in the whole world to be. Might not be the warmest place on earth but I just love being next to the sea and thinking of the history of the place.

Goals

So the training that I have signup for via WP said to make three goals for your blog. I have come to the conclusion that if I can do the following then I can hopefully make this a habit to update again.

  1. Publish twice a week during June, July and August. If I can get into that habit it’ll  be a good start.
  2. To make the blog as open and honest as I can be by sharing my unique life experiences.
  3. Use a mixture of photos, audio and video during June, July and August.

I’ve got an important meeting this afternoon which will either make or break what I’ve set out to do in the community. I wasn’t going to talk about work stuff but if I vague it up, I figure thats ok. Not going to lie. Very nervous about it, not just because I suffer from social anxiety (covid really didn’t help with that, least when I can see a persons face I can gauge what the expression is vs tone of voice) but also, yeah, its talking about the work I’ve done, where its progressing to and getting people on-board to help alot of other people get a chance in life.

I also have the about page which needs doing on here. They came up with a list of things you should answer but not in a shopping list order so I’ll work on that now as the meeting prep is all done. Then its lunch time for B so will pry him away from his screen for 30 mins to sit down and eat. He’s got a cough at the moment which is bothering him, luckily his covid test was negative so cough syrup as and when!

I’ll end of a meme. Pretty much sums up playing with the kids these days!

Life

Hi.

Ever worry that you drink too much black coffee and its turning your insides black? thats my irrational fear of the day, because everyones internal organs should be nice and clean, obviously. Joking aside. Seriously though this is like my 6th coffee of the day and we are creeping up on 4pm. Fortunately the combination of medication I take in the evening can bring down a horse, which I’m not far off weighing, so at least I get to sleep quick.

I’ve two minds about this blog. Whether to keep it going, delete all the previous posts or just remove it completely. That I think would be a crime. To delete memories seems an obscene idea given that the dead live on in our memories, the same could equally be true of a website or blog of memories. Where will those stories go? presumably in the hearts of those that read them. But what about the people who haven’t read them. Who never knew the story? maybe deleting sites should be outlawed. I think I’ve made my mind up. I’ll leave everything as it is and was and just carry on regardless.

I might anonymise the account though so it doesn’t affect my work life. Or I just don’t talk about it. Work that is.

I’ve decided to do a blogging course online to brush up on my skills and get some interesting ideas for content. I remember years ago there used to be QOD which you could answer I would usually start my posts by answering said question of the day.

Back to the course…