For some reason unknown to me I havev14 draft posts ranging back from 2009 to now. It’s only now looking at the years that a huge amount of things have changed since those unposted drafts were created. I read a few of them which brought back some nice memories but what surprised me was the mention of “taking a little something” or “quick drink”. It makes you think my god how long have I been abusing my body by taking drugs. Legal and the other kind. And it must of been since I was 12-13 years old to now in my thirties. Christ I took a little something not long ago to chill so I’m still actively doing it. I just never realised before just how long it’s been. Poor liver. No wonder it’s scarred.
I called “the hotline” today to cmht duty. In all fairness it was worth the 3 preceeding hours to the call building myself up to doing it. They gave honest and decent advice. They also have all my records so I don’t have to give them the back story. I called them because of the illogical thinking. I’m aware of it but can’t stop it. There was a decision last week to tweak one of my meds which helps with that problem but not heard back from my gp with a new script. The people on the phone said they’d urgently get in touch with them and get it sorted. Awesome. I’m aware pills are only 10% of the battle but that 10% is a matter of life or death. The help line is open 24/7 and they checked in on me later in the day so quite impressed over the services provided here vs Wales. So Manchester gets brownie points for that.
Today is day 4 of sleeping on my own. My wife has abandoned me for the cooler climates downstairs and to keep an eye on the dog. The heat is causing doggo to have fits so it makes sense. Bella is up here with me so least I have company. Good company.
Tomorrow is the last term at school. S is already learning from home due to the bubble thing but she has an online graduation service at 10am as she goes to high school in September. I’ve vowed to shave and make an effort as it’s a big deal transitioning from primary to big school. B finishes at 1.15pm and will then start the Joy’s of a 6-7 week summer holiday. We’ve managed to book them into a club Mondays through Thursdays so I can still get the community work done and D can focus on her salon. Next weekend we are going camping where I’ll be teaching B and S to fish. I really can’t wait as fishing has always been a passion for me. They’ve got poles so as long as they don’t sling shot the fish over there shoulders when they bite we should be good. Got a new bivvy/small tent, for them to hide from the sun so it’ll be a nice adventure.
Not sure what the plan is but at some point we’ll be heading up to Glasgow to see the family and have a few days in Edinburgh sight seeing. Miss Scotland and certain people from Scotland so that’ll be great. B can meet my half sister who I haven’t seen in years and then show them the sites that me and Dad used to go to when he wasn’t being a twat.
It’s getting late so I’ll revert to a book and then pass-out thanks to Bella who will undoubtedly sit on my chest and smoother me with her tail.
So S is at home with me at the moment as her bubble burst at school for the second time this year. Its a bit sad because this was her last week in Primary School before heading to High School in September. So she is doing classes online since Monday and I’ve been working from home as shes not old enough to be on her own for too long, plus ASD.
She sends me this message from her room next to mine. How the hell did she get so old quick. Crazy. She already came into my room asking questions. They just watched “The Miracle of child birth” by the sounds of it. That or a porn video from pornhub with excessive screaming. I really hope it was child birth.
Its warm again. I’m British therefore I’m allowed to moan about the weather. It is one of the things we tend to talk about in random passing conversation with strangers. They said there might be thunderstorms later which I can’t wait for. I absolutely LOVE thunder and lightning the rain smashing down on the roof, the noise. Its so calming and exciting at the same time.
Growing up in a farm house had its perks when it comes to rain. Slate Roof. The noises of rain hitting slate instantly puts me to sleep. Its not the same when it hits anything else, especially in England where they dont usually use slate. Especially not in new builds.
Not that I miss living in the countryside….
The mental health is waxing and waning these days. Yesterday I was bad in the morning, ok for the afternoon and then bad late evening. I wish I could understand it better. I have everything a person could want in life but I still have these thoughts, feelings and behaviours that I can’t stop. I have the emergency number to call, which D wanted me to last night but by that point I popped some codiene and had beer which blurred things out a bit. I’ll try and call them if it gets worse.
Nina is doing ok. She had a blood test yesterday to try and figure out the fits. They think she is having partial fits every day from the descriptions and videos D did. Its not life threatning which is good but the bills are slowly getting higher and higher. Thank god for the pet insurance because the MRI scan is £3k on its own.
What’s something you wish you’d figured out sooner?
That there is much more to life than just doing what is expected of you by society. For example, you go to school, high school, college and then university. Now I wouldn’t change going to university as I made life long friends there and had certain experiences which you get by going to uni. My point is I should have focussed more on the fun side than the studying side. The fun side being more experiences. In otherwords I wish I figured out that life moments are more important than an outcome that is expected.
Granted there must be a equilibrium where one doesnt tip the balance. But yeah. Go out, meet friends, drink and be merry while you can. Before you know it your in your mid-30s wishing you had done more with the opportunites you were given.
I also wish I figured out social skills. I never really had them. I had them in primary school, leader of the class, but then the moment I hit high school they just packed up there bags and f*cked off. I was more a loner than anything but I would drift from group to group if I needed to be social. The abuse didn’t really start till I was 14 so I was already socially awkward before that. If anything the sexual abuse forced me to be more social as I was plyed with so much drink it would make an irish man pass out. So that naturally made me more vocal and reckless. I used to steal as well. At the weekends I would go to comic shops in the neighbouring town and whilst buying comics, I would steal them. I have yet to figure out why I have that behaviour. I was working ergo I had money so I could of just paid for them. I would say it was the thrill but I didn’t get one, it was a case of …. attention seeking. Maybe that was it. Wanting to get caught for the attention from someone other than a group of child molesting burn in hell pedos.
So I think I wish I figured out social situations. What is normal, what is weird and what is abuse. If I also learned that having drunken people rape me and that it wasn’t what “normal friends” do then things in life might of been different. I just thought it was what you did. Hang out, drink, watch movies, go to clubs. It seems so ludicrus that I was doing all this at 14+ and thinking it was normal.
That got dark really fast.
Women. I wish I figured these mystical beautiful creatures out a lot sooner than I did. I could never get the social queues when they were being done. I wasn’t scared I just didn’t see them and assumed they just didn’t like me. Finding out later in life that you were not that depressed, drunk loner loser was a wake up call. I immediately started fixating on the whats ifs. What if I could do it all over again knowing what I know now. We all know where that leads. But yes. Social skills, Women and that you can’t trust everyone. That would be my answer.
The meeting with the consultant went really well. They didn’t section me so I’m so thankful for that as I was so scared of missing B’s communion. They are altering the meds slightly and giving me a new care plan. Fingers crossed that will help get me out of this funk or at least let me manage it better.
So B’s communion was yesterday, also it was the hottest day of the year so the garden party was an amazing choice. It all went really well and had a great time. B’s sister, R, came as well and stayed over. It was amazing seeing all the kids together playing, giggling and generally being kids. There was a mountain of food and we even got to fire up the fire pit which I love doing.
B got the new oculus 2 so him and his sister were on it non stop. Amazing that VR tech has come so far and is starting to be affordable. It was a peaceful day as it was too hot to even walk the dog. R stayed till 2pm when her mum got her. It was relaxing and funny watching them play a vr climbing game. Can’t wait till Monday so I can finally have a proper go of it.
Next weekend we are going camping near a fishery which I’m really excited about. I’ll finally get to show the kids how to fish. Its been a year or so since I’ve been so yeah the kids are excited too. It’s near Sherwood forest, land of the legendry Robin Hood so plenty to see and do. Not that I’m planning on robbing rich people when I’m there to give to the needy but it’s always a possibility 😉
Doggo had a couple of siesures in her sleep last night. That was sad, think she must of been over stimulated with the party. She’s been ok today; just a bit quiet and wanting to be alone. Waiting to hear back from the vets.
D has got training tomorrow so it’ll be a daddy son day (S is at her dads) so will think of something fun to do. Hopefully it won’t be too hot so I can go to the park and drag Nina along as well.
I’ll see if I can stay awake for a random QOTD as I stupidly had an energy drink with a late left over party food dinner.
Hope you are all having a great weekend. Things are on the up since Thursday which is really great.
After all the stuff that has been happening mental health wise, my doctor made an urgent referral to the hospital again so I can see my consultant. I thought in preperation I would type down my thoughts. What I typed I dont know as I didnt look at the screen, printed it and closed notepad. Yes. I still use notepad. Programmers habits die hard. I’ve folded it and put it in my pocket. What I typed came from just letting my mind do the typing, so am not feeling too great after that because its knocked my anxiety and paranoia up a notch. I’ll give it to the consultant at the end of the meeting because I’m scared about what I typed. That way I can make a run to the door before they can stop me 😉
It was so hard though. Typing out what you are feeling is never easy but when you really have a hard time processing and dealing with emotions its the ultimate block. Well. Not a block. It either comes out manically and fast or nothing at all. Extremes. Suppose thats why they call it Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. Learn something new every day.
B’s communion is tomorrow which I’m looking forward to. Hes been working towards it for a while and we’ve got a big tent up in the garden for a meal with friends and family tomorrow. Due to covid the only people allowed in the church are me and D which is a shame as I know D’s mum wanted to come as well.
The dog, Nina, is doing well. No more fits or episodes in over a week. Hopefully it was just from stress and now that shes chilled everything has calmed down for her. I’m guessing due to being starved for the 5 years of her life, her obsession for eating food won’t stop. Shes still underweight but we’ve been sticking to a planned diet and shes slowly putting on weight again which is great. Problem is we have to hide everything food related. She demolished a bag of brioche rolls (no chocolate) when I went upstairs for two minutes the other day. Sad in a way but hopefully she’ll come to trust the regular feeding and be happy with that.
Meat tendoriser to the arm. Best reset the SH timer from last September then. F*cking brain.
I went through the google downloaded photos again and found a few I would love to share with everyone. Well. Apart from the memes, they just made me smile when I saw them years ago.
I got in touch with the doctor today, well, submitted an online form since they no longer take appointments over the phone. Suppose thats good really considering I would rather die than make a phone call. I don’t know why I just can’t phone or answer the phone to people I dont know. It sets the anxiety overboard and I start over thinking the situation. That does’nt mean I can’t, I’ll answer it if I think I know who it is. Otherwise its a voicemail and I’ll call them back. That was my hack to get through it.
I explained the problems on the forms lovely white, empty box. I wrote a frikkin’ novel but hopefully it will make sense to them. On Friday I felt so bad I took half a bottle of promazine, my usual dose is 5ml. Not 150ml. So I woke up in a dazed state on Saturday. Anxiety pain and negative thoughts were still there. So solution? Yes. You guessed it. More meds. So rather than the 7mg diazepam I take at night for terrors I decided in my ultimate wisdom to pop 25mg. It worked. The thoughts stopped for an hour or so as I sat on the sofa drooling. Then I found some codiene. This is the point where you say “FFS”. So had 150mg of that. And that got rid of the thoughts and paranoia. Not content with the about of pills I had consumed, I raided my stash and had another 25mg of diazepam.
I haven’t had any yet. Whilst walking the dog yesterday I noticed an ambundance of magic mushrooms growing on the playing fields. I can safely say I was strong and didn’t pick them. Adding that to the mix wouldn’t really of helped matters. I dont know why always go back to pill taking to escape from my problems. The voices are pretty loud and the other guy is on auto-repeat with added images! So getting off my face on drugs quitens it but weakens the control. I won’t go into that again.
Anyways, explained all this on the form so hopefully I’ll get a phone call today and reopen my referral to CMHT since I’ve been on the waiting list for a new thearapist for the past year.
Money. Every time. But I have come to that conclusion through heart ache, loss and pain. See my theory is you can only answer this question if you’ve had or have money. I had money. I had a hell of a salary, Nice job, well respected. I would constantly goto restaurants for meals, shop for anything I ever wanted or though I needed and yeah. It was nice and enjoyed it. It did however make me a slave to the wage.
By rebuilding and changing my purpose I found more happiness in love then I could ever find in money. Walks on the beach, watching a movie, board games things like that started to fill my days after I was “compromise agreemented” out if the building back in 2013. I found it hard. Very hard in fact to flip over to the other side. There was no safety net but the Freedom it brought me mentally was worth its weight in gold.
That was a lesson learned. Then came the fun of diying everything to save on the cash. Doing tasks I usually paid people to do or a whole collection of blah.
Twenty-first century breakdown I once was lost but never was found I think, I am losing what’s left of my mind To the twentieth century deadline
So. I can’t keep staring at the blank screen so I’ll just see how it goes. Firstly, the meme to the left is aimed more at me than anyone else. No one really bothers me much these days. To much negativity to be dragging around. I suppose of the “features” of the condition is the ability to split and completely without a second thought to it, cut someone out of your life as if they never existed. You can’t always determine who the split will be. If its random then you have no control on the time it lasts. I can split for minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. It just totally depends what “he” decides.
I haven’t split unintentionally for a while now has been good. I’m sort of splitting from myself in a way. I really really hate myself so of course it makes a logical reason to feel that way with myself.
I’m aware you can’t split from yourself no more than can you walk through a wall. But, maybe, in psuedo thinking you could technically split from a personality thats trapped inside you. Or would that be giving up the battle? What if I just said “F*ck it” and be done with it. Accept the person that I’m supposed to be, stop the meds, lose control and let “him” be in charge. Its what he wants any way.
But alas I cannot give in. He knows how to hurt me. He shows me things I don’t want to see. Memories that I dont want to relive when I don’t behave. He knows the ultimate way of putting me down. My FP (favourite person) B. He knows that if he flashes an image of him whilst showing me the memories of sexual abuse when I was in my teenage years. He knows itll break me. Stop me dead in my tracks and throw me off and triggered for an unknown length of time.
See. You don’t get to choose your FP. Its a weird attachment thing that people with certain disorders have where you link or bond with someone and that person, good or bad, becomes the centre of your world. You would do anything to protect them and you would kill them by your own hand rather than expose them to hard. Its extreme. Its both fiery hot and freezing cold. You world crashes down should you think they think a bad thought about you. If it isnt perfect, if it isn’t amazing then you are welcomed with severe stomach piercing feelings. You pray, you beg, you cry out that you didn’t mean to upset them even though its only a tone of voice that you hear. That is slightly off, even if it isn’t there you find it.
Its exhaustive. Realistically, B has saved my life many a time. The simple imaginary look on his face when he hears I have died has silenced many attempts and hospital admissions. Thats not the problem though. I have that, its my safe guard. But the real crux of the problem? control. I can’t lose control, ever. If I let my guard down for a second, the other one moves in. I see flashes of the things he is doing. A creepy smile spreading on my face that I cannot stop.
Addiction. Not ideal when you want to lose control and escape for a few hours. I can’t abuse drugs any more. Well thats true and not true. I can sedate myself with prescribed meds and chill out for a few hours without losing control and so long as I don’t do it for days on end. I havent injected since 2012 which near year will be a ten year victory. I used to be addicted to Ampthetamine.
Not my most glamrous part of my life shooting up to deal with the world, to go to work, to behave, to stay awake. B was born in 2011. So the added pressures were used, for lack of a better word, excuses to abuse the hell out of my body. Those drugs made me lose control several times leading to social services intervention and a whole fun host of other things including the police.
That ten year victory sounds good now having just typed that.
I don’t think I’m at risk right now to be injecting. I’m just babbling about things that can cause the lack of control to occur, to free my other me.
Control. Got to walk the line. Which is incredibly thin sometimes.
I’ve been meaning to write this down for a few days now before it gets lost in the mess that is my brain. I was walking out of the shop before getting the kids from school and clear as day I heard “Hoi lieverd, echt een prachtige zon vandaag. Hoe het met jou?” in my mums voice. It instantly brought a smile to my face. I answered in my head that it is a lovely day today and hope she is ok wherever that might be. Loosely translated she said “Hey sweetheart, its a really beautiful sun today. How are you?”.
I was thinking about it the rest of the day, I even went to go and call my mum to let her know I heard her. It was nice because it was so unexpected. With my conditions its not unusual for me to have visual and audio halluncinations. Especially audiable ones. Usually its the odd random word, sometimes internal, sometimes external.
Then I realise within those moments that Mum died in 2014 from lung cancer and the joys that come with having that.
I have mixed emotions when it comes to Mum. Part of me is angry with her and the way she did certain things. I’m also happy and thankful that I had her as a mum, as I had a liberal upbringing. Then when you throw my Dad dying a couple of years ago it all gets a bit confusing and conflicted in my brain so I have to quickly compartmentalise the memories so as to stop being triggered.
I’ve been feeling down lately. I’m struggling with suicidal thoughts again. Planning phase so its escalated from passing thoughts to active. If it gets worse to dates of doing it then, well, I’ll make sure to tell people but not till then. No point worrying them. I’m already the root cause of being the dysfunctional person in the family. But yes. Can’t escape the thoughts anymore. Hanging, wrists, meds… I’ve already crossed the line into abuse of meds again but thats just to escape the cycle. Its not working as it usually does though. Usually I can take something and it will knock me off the thought patterns. It used to be self harm but I’ve not done that since September last year I think when I started burning myself with lighters for a changing and left yet more scarring to my arms and wrists.
On the plus side we have a new member of the family. A doggo. Named Nina. She is a 5 year old rescue dog who was really badly treated, beaten and starved. She has such a lovely temperment though. We are all slowly falling in love with her and her with us. It started off as getting an emotional support animal for me to have. Then evolved into saving a dog from a horrible life and an injection. I’ll keep you posted on how she settles. Fortunately she is 5 so shes toilet trained and also very chilled for a doggie. The ones we have had in the past have had quirks but I haven’t found any with Nina yet. Bella is a bit jealous. She is still the best cat in the world. For me. Which I’m thankful for as I can sit anywhere in the house and she will come and sit with me for company. *looks behind* as demonstrated she has curled up in the fetal position behind me.
Work is proving challenging at the moment. I knew I was going to have highs and lows when I started my venture. Having been burned out from previous rolls and having psychotic episodes I was told to stop working by the doctors. Last March I declared myself open for business and the books are now leveling which is great for charity work. I won’t get into details as I would rather people not see my thoughts if they knew who this was. However, you dear reader, I’m sure have worked it out and if not, could do so quite quickly.
I’ll go back to planning things. Music. Clothes. Who gets what.
I recently downloaded all the photos that Google had stored under my account. I keep looking through them, they’ve broken them up into years so it’s interesting time traveling. Today I focussed on the memes. I don’t know why but the cat to the left of this always ALWAYS makes me smile. Its a photo that you can hear saying “What?!” in your head. Then again. Maybe that’s just me and my crazyness. Who wants to be normal anyways!
So I’m back on Spotify again. Although keeping it clean as the kids are home and its weekend. Well clean-ish. I dont approve of my kids swearing but when it comes to music I let them have musical expression. So they can listen to songs with explicit lyrics because sometimes you need them to express a feeling or emotion. Not saying I’ll let them listen to “So what” by Metallica but there run of the mill music is fine.
I’m not sure if its part of the mental health problems that amplify my total and utter hatred of people chewing with mouths open. It drives me insane. I will just randomly walk out of the room so I don’t say something I’ll regret. But seriously? is it that hard to close your mouth?! I think its with most things. I always hated people who chewed gum because of the noise. Thats a weird one. Memories of being 14 and explaining to one of my friends that just because you chew gum it doesnt mean you can’t close your mouth whilst doing it. The kid said “But thats how you chew gum”. He became an ex friend at that point. Shallow and an over reaction. I’m well aware of that.
In retrospect, I’ve done many a petty, over reactive reactions towards differing things. Its not a trait I love about myself
This meme always made me chuckle. My wife is roman catholic, as are the kids. I’m still the outsider. I’ll go with them to church for moral support but I don’t do the kneeling and things. Its important to my wife so I’m supportive of it. B has his holy communion coming up. He has always been “into church stuff” which is great, so he takes it seriously. Well. To a degree. I think he like the story but doesn’t quite follow the rules. Anyways, looking forward to that event next month. We are having a big party in the garden with a few friends coming over. I would say family but I’ve ran out of relatives in this country, the rest are in Holland.
Back to the meme. It actually made me think when did I first figure out where and how babies came from. I honestly for the life of me don’t remember. I have a few gaps in my memory, for example my earliest memories don’t start till I’m like 8 years old and even then they are really vague. One of my first memories being my brother putting heat cream (the cream you put on a muscle and it warms it up) on the toilet seat followed by my screaming after visiting said toilet. Or the time he decided to pee in my glass which had apple juice in and I took a huge gulp. He was lovely.
I had to cancel my therapy this week. I feel bad for that because I’m supposed to stick to it but I’ve been avoiding talking again which I really need to learn not to do. I’ve had a bit of a hard week mentally. I had some really bad ptsd dreams the other night and thats triggered me a bit. Nothing exciting. Just the abuse back from when I was 13. I hate having the dreams. Reliving the same shit over and over again. Part of me thinks I should report them to the police and maybe that’ll give me closure. The other side of me doesn’t want the stress and let it be. Its been along time. Its still something I haven’t fully confronted. I have a had therapy centred around it but it go too intense so I had to back off a bit from it.
Didn’t mean to bum anyone out with that last paragraph. Have an awesome weekend x