Firstly, I’m not one to plaster my kid’s faces on the internet but this blog is my space to out my memories and thoughts.
This picture is the first time all three of my kids went camping. We stay for a few days, played in the pool, and did some walking and fishing. Now that would have been a good one. All three are fishing. Oh well. Next time.
So I give you, starting from the front. My son B, daughter R (doesn’t live with us), and stepdaughter S.
Things have been a bit better. I did have a fall in the garden and am licking my wounds but still trying to carry on with a smile on my face. R came round for monthly Dad time, we talked, I got fathers Day presents and it was nice. She is growing up to be pretty awesome. Every time I moved she was there to do it for me as I fumbled with the walking sticks.
I also had the best noodle soup ever from D which was terrific. I don’t know, maybe she has a bag of msg somewhere and tips it in. But who cares, it is noteworthy. She’s been pretty fantastic with the way she helps me. I try and do small jobs in small bursts. The only one I have yet to master is the dishes. I don’t know why but the pain in my back is the same as my trigger pain so I have to take a break, pretty frustrating. I learned the hard way yesterday about pushing myself, I ended up face-planting a brick wall as I couldn’t control my balance with the stick. My face got scratched but my glasses and arm took the brunt of it.
Today is also an off day for me. I’m not supposed to do any work except housework. However, D’s mother-in-law is with us again to keep an eye on me. This is nice but makes me worried that people think they need to look after me 24/7 when I’m genuinely okay pottering about. I know my limits now. Guess I need to prove them.
Mental health wise I’ve been a bit of a mess. Trying to figure out stuff and it’s hard because my head hurts from thinking all the time. I’m blacking out again, it’s happened 3 times today so far. Fortunately, D’s mum didn’t notice. I’ll disappear into the abyss not realizing what I’m doing isn’t real. Picking up or writing and then stopping. Then it’s like what the hell was I doing. I had to sign something but everything is back to normal. Well. As normal as normal can be.
Oh, I forgot to mention D called an ambulance three days ago, memory is sketchy at best. All I remember is being unable to get up, then being on a stretcher, then a bed and it suddenly being 4am when I last remembered 9pm, I remember the doctor saying it was an FND flare up and I was discharged.
The mind boggles.
This is me. I got introduced to rock climbing on a skills exchange day with Slag (brother). Turns out I really enjoy it so we stuck to it for a while. It was an hour’s drive to get to the climbing center at the bottom of Snowden but it really was worth it.
It makes me happy when I look at this picture. Not because of my exceptional amount of hair and weight loss. But the quality time I had with slagather as well. We would talk about random stuff. He’d play music in his car to listen to and I’d do the same when we went in my car.
Did some crazy overtaking shit to cut down on time. All are still alive. Mostly!
I managed to have ten minutes in the sun this weekend before being told to go in by B because I was heavy breathing again. It’s sad to see him get so angry with the flight or fight response. He’s controlling it a bit better these days, he doesn’t scream and jump up and down as much. The problem is I get stressed. Still working hard on figuring out how to control that atm. It’s better, like I said before D has done a lot of removing stress from the house. I still try and pitch in but D says I’m overdoing it. I wish there was something I could do that would make taking pills less of a reliance.
I’m currently working on an active theory wherein I microdose valium at 3 intervals (if needed) in a day. So I try and work out the stress but if that fails I take a dose. Small dose. 2mg. The only problem is tolerance. I have enough in the pharmacy cupboard to last a long time if I need to increase it. That aside, it seems to be working. So. Will do that, coupled with the crisis hotline, and see how we go.
In the meantime, I’ll get back in the swing of regular posting again. I think every other day should keep me on track to keep the blog going.
So the past few days have had ups and downs. I really positive one is that I and D are looking into what we can do to get help from the council, in regards to either modifying this house (it’s privately rented) or getting a council house with adaptations. I called the crisis team yesterday and after explaining everything that’s going on, they have referred me to Occupational Therapy so I can get things started.
The bad side of things is that I’m still a bit down in the dumps and experiencing worsening symptoms which I’m struggling a little bit with. D has made most all the weekend stress-free which I really appreciate. I know it’s hard on her and the kids but it really is noticed and I’m grateful for them trying so hard. Which then triggers guilt. It’s like you can’t win a situation.
We spent the day in the garden getting everything ship shape for summer. The hot tub is out, much to the kid’s delight, with grass cut, plants trimmed and even a table painted. D really did all the work with B helping as much as he could. Well. When he wasn’t riding around the neighbourhood on his bike we gave a mini service. The weather here is beautiful at the moment. Lots of birds tweeting, which by the way is nice because in Wales the only birds that tweeted got sounded out by seagulls screaming. Blue skies and nice and warm. Maybe not my favourite conditions, I prefer rain, dark evenings and glum more than the sun but it made a nice change.
Today my daughter is coming to visit, so have asked her to bring her switch with her so we can play some games. Or more she can show me how to play animal crossing. That is if B releases her from playing or sitting indoors on TikTok. It’s always lovely to see her. She has a dark sense of humour that I love and the way she dresses, punkish, is awesome.
Hope you all have an amazing day. Supposed to be 32c today so fans out the attic time. Hopefully, I can hold my balance on a ladder. One way to find out.
I wasn’t feeling well all wee like as I think I rambled about it. Well it turns outfight problem was a blood clot which travelled though the lovely holy and ended up god knows
So in hospital since Friday. Waiting for ct scan then hopefully home and use blood thinners. My a ability to using my arm are going well. Voice clearing less garbled but enough to make D Hangul angry not being able to stand.
Need a nap. Falling asleep again have day of awesomeness.
Sorry for the delay, as always, but things got a bit blurry on Friday and I don’t remember most of the afternoon. That weird thing happened again. I wake up and the world is spinning, voices are chanting like a Gregorian choir and I’m stumbling about. It feels like I’ve not taken my risperidone but I have. I filled a form in for the dr for an appointment, asking them to increase the dose to see if that works but I was unable to make the appointment so I canceled it. I took an extra dose just in case that was the problem.
I went on with my day, doing work bits and bobs, tidying, and such. Then I noticed the chanting or humming in the background. I got in touch with D and she said to take the PRN meds and that she will get the kids so I don’t have to drive. I never drive when I’m like this. Especially not with the kids. And that ladies and gentlemen is the last thing I remember of that afternoon. I awoke on the sofa, confused as hell. D had ordered a delivero food shop, fed the kids, fed the dogs and I simply can’t remember. Maybe I was asleep and didn’t realize it. Anyway. Missing time is never a good thing and freaks me out. Have you ever seen the movie Click or the Butterfly Effect, those terrify me. One minute you are here and then suddenly 10 years have passed and you don’t remember any of it. Argh. Probably why it was hard to deal with Dad’s dementia.
The kids and D went to see Super Mario Bros. D thought it was live action but alas no and returned to messaging me through the film. The cinema was pretty empty so B was ok with the misophonia thing and could move around to different seats. I stayed at home, because, well I suck at the moment.
D said something odd to me last night which I’m mulling over, have been all day or since she said it really. I’ll continue to mull.
Hope you all had amazing weekends.
It’s been a real roller coaster the past few days, to be honest. I started getting hounded with thoughts and imaginary guilt trips which I really didn’t need. Why I do this to myself I don’t know. Reliving memories and seeing the pain, hurt, and suffering I’ve caused. My brain takes it out of context and amplifies it a thousand times over. Laying in bed not being able to sleep because of all the noise. So I conceded and took Valium early yesterday morning, then iterated it through the day. It helped. I slept at night. Progress. I even managed to mow the grass out back and it looks much better out there now.
Today I woke up and got the dogs out on the morning walk at 7am. Tried to make as little noise as possible so everyone could sleep in. D appeared not long after I was back and she had a moment of doubt about her Easter traditions. So I put my hand up, helped, and think we got it sorted. See. We are a dysfunctional family in a way. D and I sat at the table, B was by the window with his ear defenders on so he could both not see us eat or hear us. S her usual self absent on the sofa. Five minutes passed. Kids had the easter breakfast and disappeared leaving D and me to watch mass on tv. I take that as a victory. The kids left their rooms, they shared the basket offering and wished each other good things, had a plate full of Polish goodness (salads, sausage, and cakes), then ate with us before going. That to me is a win. It’s not massive, by no means normal to have that but considering both kids have MH-related issues it was good.
Part of me wishes for a normal household. One able to go on walks or cinemas without one of the kids being triggered or me for that matter. I do hate the burden I bring but am adamant that it won’t defeat me nor my marriage.
That’s another easter done and dusted. Still got some chocolate egg left so will demolish that.
Hope you’ve all had a good respective holiday 🙂
I had a panic attack on Friday which wasn’t great, but they never are.
I heard people moving outside of the house. The curtains were drawn. Lights were off and I was sat on the sofa “depression balling” with the dog. The dog helped. I started thinking “What if they get it?” and a million other things. It sent my brain into melt down which = memory blackouts, not being able to talk, passing out and dizzyness. The whole of friday PM and Saturday AM is a mysterous blur of flashing images and non-sensical goings on.
I hate panic attacks. I know they are different for everyone but when you get a proper one, especially after a while, it really messes with your head. Even now when I’m typing this, my back in turned to the room so I feel eyes on me from the window. Watching what I’m doing. Reminding me that I am shit.
ugh
So yes, weekend of recovery. I managed to stay downstairs with D most of the day, passing time playing on the phone, reading D’s assignment for her school. I did manage to look like a total alcho when I went to Asda to collect two bottles of booze from click and collect. Unshaved. Unkemp. No shopping to collect, just two bottles of liquer. That doesnt look like its spelt right. They werent for me. I’m still almost a year sober. Can’t say I dont miss it. Nice bottle of red or a couple of beers at night to take the edge off. It hurts that I can’t.
I found a section of the gym that appears to be where all us fatties goto and exercise. Its so nice because there are no eyes on you and you are all equal. Whereas the cross trainers everyone seems to stare while you work out. All I want to do is cardio in the hopes of shifting enough weight to be able to wear my clothes again, for trousers to fit and to reduce my heavy breathing as that seems to be pissing everyone off as of late. Its turning into a complex. Where I constantly watch and notice the breathing. Is it too loud? is it nasal? fuck me its just breathing why am I getting worked up about it?
The thiefing bastard elf has returned. We all know about the elf and whether he is a demon spawn sent by santa. So why do we keep doing it. Especially to my poor chocolate I needed to eat to be fat. Shame. My turn on Monday. I’ll need to think of something good.
I’ll end with a mystical partnership of hate and love. They can’t stand each other. Yet Bella (cat) feels the dire need to sit near the dog. Luckily she moved a few minutes later before the dog woke up.
We escaped the house and fled to Sherwood Forrest, where the legend of Robin Hood resides. When we got there (eventually after a 2 hour traffic jam) we pitched in the rain whilst the kids stayed in the car playing on phones.
We got soaked. Everything but we managed to get everything setup and changed into dry clothes and settled in with sausages and chips for dinner (we have a little oven). The camp site was also a fishery with 4 lakes and a canal. I brought all my fishing bits with me and taught the kids how to fish.
They loved it and what was even more precious? they both managed to catch a few fish over the weekend. D loved it as well, I had to wrestle one of the rods off her so the kids could have a go. I bought the kids a couple of poles but they found casting more fun so put two reels on.
It was so nice. Just relaxing by the canal. Catching the odd fish but that didnt matter. It was being outside, it was being with my family and an escape from the doom and gloom of the past few weeks.
We went out for a posh meal and Nina the dog was allowed in as well. Of course we had to go to the see the legend that is the forrest. The trees were beautiful and you could really feel the history surrounding you. Seeing the villagers who used to travel through there and where the king would hunt. It used to be over 100,000 acres of land reserved for the king as hunting grounds (this is like 300 years ago) and anyone found plundering food or wood would be punished. Its only about 1,000 acres now but still. You can feel it.
We got home late on yesterday and I’ve so far spent the day putting all the camping stuff back into the attic ready & waiting for the next trip. Hopefully we’ll be going up to Edinburgh to see the family, and some friends at the end of the month.
The new medication seems to be working, well its not new they just upped to the max dose which plays havoc in the morning when I take it for the first ten minutes but after that I feel better on them.
