Squirm

So S is at home with me at the moment as her bubble burst at school for the second time this year. Its a bit sad because this was her last week in Primary School before heading to High School in September. So she is doing classes online since Monday and I’ve been working from home as shes not old enough to be on her own for too long, plus ASD.

She sends me this message from her room next to mine. How the hell did she get so old quick. Crazy. She already came into my room asking questions. They just watched “The Miracle of child birth” by the sounds of it. That or a porn video from pornhub with excessive screaming. I really hope it was child birth.

Its warm again. I’m British therefore I’m allowed to moan about the weather. It is one of the things we tend to talk about in random passing conversation with strangers. They said there might be thunderstorms later which I can’t wait for. I absolutely LOVE thunder and lightning the rain smashing down on the roof, the noise. Its so calming and exciting at the same time.

Growing up in a farm house had its perks when it comes to rain. Slate Roof. The noises of rain hitting slate instantly puts me to sleep. Its not the same when it hits anything else, especially in England where they dont usually use slate. Especially not in new builds.

Not that I miss living in the countryside….

The mental health is waxing and waning these days. Yesterday I was bad in the morning, ok for the afternoon and then bad late evening. I wish I could understand it better. I have everything a person could want in life but I still have these thoughts, feelings and behaviours that I can’t stop. I have the emergency number to call, which D wanted me to last night but by that point I popped some codiene and had beer which blurred things out a bit. I’ll try and call them if it gets worse.

Nina is doing ok. She had a blood test yesterday to try and figure out the fits. They think she is having partial fits every day from the descriptions and videos D did. Its not life threatning which is good but the bills are slowly getting higher and higher. Thank god for the pet insurance because the MRI scan is £3k on its own.

Random QOTD

What’s something you wish you’d figured out sooner?

That there is much more to life than just doing what is expected of you by society. For example, you go to school, high school, college and then university. Now I wouldn’t change going to university as I made life long friends there and had certain experiences which you get by going to uni. My point is I should have focussed more on the fun side than the studying side. The fun side being more experiences. In otherwords I wish I figured out that life moments are more important than an outcome that is expected.

Granted there must be a equilibrium where one doesnt tip the balance. But yeah. Go out, meet friends, drink and be merry while you can. Before you know it your in your mid-30s wishing you had done more with the opportunites you were given.

I also wish I figured out social skills. I never really had them. I had them in primary school, leader of the class, but then the moment I hit high school they just packed up there bags and f*cked off. I was more a loner than anything but I would drift from group to group if I needed to be social. The abuse didn’t really start till I was 14 so I was already socially awkward before that. If anything the sexual abuse forced me to be more social as I was plyed with so much drink it would make an irish man pass out. So that naturally made me more vocal and reckless. I used to steal as well. At the weekends I would go to comic shops in the neighbouring town and whilst buying comics, I would steal them. I have yet to figure out why I have that behaviour. I was working ergo I had money so I could of just paid for them. I would say it was the thrill but I didn’t get one, it was a case of …. attention seeking. Maybe that was it. Wanting to get caught for the attention from someone other than a group of child molesting burn in hell pedos.

So I think I wish I figured out social situations. What is normal, what is weird and what is abuse. If I also learned that having drunken people rape me and that it wasn’t what “normal friends” do then things in life might of been different. I just thought it was what you did. Hang out, drink, watch movies, go to clubs. It seems so ludicrus that I was doing all this at 14+ and thinking it was normal.

That got dark really fast.

Women. I wish I figured these mystical beautiful creatures out a lot sooner than I did. I could never get the social queues when they were being done. I wasn’t scared I just didn’t see them and assumed they just didn’t like me. Finding out later in life that you were not that depressed, drunk loner loser was a wake up call. I immediately started fixating on the whats ifs. What if I could do it all over again knowing what I know now. We all know where that leads. But yes. Social skills, Women and that you can’t trust everyone. That would be my answer.

Escaped!

The meeting with the consultant went really well. They didn’t section me so I’m so thankful for that as I was so scared of missing B’s communion. They are altering the meds slightly and giving me a new care plan. Fingers crossed that will help get me out of this funk or at least let me manage it better.

So B’s communion was yesterday, also it was the hottest day of the year so the garden party was an amazing choice. It all went really well and had a great time. B’s sister, R, came as well and stayed over. It was amazing seeing all the kids together playing, giggling and generally being kids. There was a mountain of food and we even got to fire up the fire pit which I love doing.

B got the new oculus 2 so him and his sister were on it non stop. Amazing that VR tech has come so far and is starting to be affordable. It was a peaceful day as it was too hot to even walk the dog. R stayed till 2pm when her mum got her. It was relaxing and funny watching them play a vr climbing game. Can’t wait till Monday so I can finally have a proper go of it.

Next weekend we are going camping near a fishery which I’m really excited about. I’ll finally get to show the kids how to fish. Its been a year or so since I’ve been so yeah the kids are excited too. It’s near Sherwood forest, land of the legendry Robin Hood so plenty to see and do. Not that I’m planning on robbing rich people when I’m there to give to the needy but it’s always a possibility 😉

Doggo had a couple of siesures in her sleep last night. That was sad, think she must of been over stimulated with the party. She’s been ok today; just a bit quiet and wanting to be alone. Waiting to hear back from the vets.

D has got training tomorrow so it’ll be a daddy son day (S is at her dads) so will think of something fun to do. Hopefully it won’t be too hot so I can go to the park and drag Nina along as well.

I’ll see if I can stay awake for a random QOTD as I stupidly had an energy drink with a late left over party food dinner.

Hope you are all having a great weekend. Things are on the up since Thursday which is really great.

21st Century Breakdown

Hello.

Twenty-first century breakdown
I once was lost but never was found
I think, I am losing what’s left of my mind
To the twentieth century deadline

So. I can’t keep staring at the blank screen so I’ll just see how it goes. Firstly, the meme to the left is aimed more at me than anyone else. No one really bothers me much these days. To much negativity to be dragging around. I suppose of the “features” of the condition is the ability to split and completely without a second thought to it, cut someone out of your life as if they never existed. You can’t always determine who the split will be. If its random then you have no control on the time it lasts. I can split for minutes, hours, days, weeks and months. It just totally depends what “he” decides.

I haven’t split unintentionally for a while now has been good. I’m sort of splitting from myself in a way. I really really hate myself so of course it makes a logical reason to feel that way with myself.

I’m aware you can’t split from yourself no more than can you walk through a wall. But, maybe, in psuedo thinking you could technically split from a personality thats trapped inside you. Or would that be giving up the battle? What if I just said “F*ck it” and be done with it. Accept the person that I’m supposed to be, stop the meds, lose control and let “him” be in charge. Its what he wants any way.

But alas I cannot give in. He knows how to hurt me. He shows me things I don’t want to see. Memories that I dont want to relive when I don’t behave. He knows the ultimate way of putting me down. My FP (favourite person) B. He knows that if he flashes an image of him whilst showing me the memories of sexual abuse when I was in my teenage years. He knows itll break me. Stop me dead in my tracks and throw me off and triggered for an unknown length of time.

See. You don’t get to choose your FP. Its a weird attachment thing that people with certain disorders have where you link or bond with someone and that person, good or bad, becomes the centre of your world. You would do anything to protect them and you would kill them by your own hand rather than expose them to hard. Its extreme. Its both fiery hot and freezing cold. You world crashes down should you think they think a bad thought about you. If it isnt perfect, if it isn’t amazing then you are welcomed with severe stomach piercing feelings. You pray, you beg, you cry out that you didn’t mean to upset them even though its only a tone of voice that you hear. That is slightly off, even if it isn’t there you find it.

Its exhaustive. Realistically, B has saved my life many a time. The simple imaginary look on his face when he hears I have died has silenced many attempts and hospital admissions. Thats not the problem though. I have that, its my safe guard. But the real crux of the problem? control. I can’t lose control, ever. If I let my guard down for a second, the other one moves in. I see flashes of the things he is doing. A creepy smile spreading on my face that I cannot stop.

Addiction. Not ideal when you want to lose control and escape for a few hours. I can’t abuse drugs any more. Well thats true and not true. I can sedate myself with prescribed meds and chill out for a few hours without losing control and so long as I don’t do it for days on end. I havent injected since 2012 which near year will be a ten year victory. I used to be addicted to Ampthetamine.

Not my most glamrous part of my life shooting up to deal with the world, to go to work, to behave, to stay awake. B was born in 2011. So the added pressures were used, for lack of a better word, excuses to abuse the hell out of my body. Those drugs made me lose control several times leading to social services intervention and a whole fun host of other things including the police.

That ten year victory sounds good now having just typed that.

I don’t think I’m at risk right now to be injecting. I’m just babbling about things that can cause the lack of control to occur, to free my other me.

Control. Got to walk the line. Which is incredibly thin sometimes.

When mum comes to visit

I’ve been meaning to write this down for a few days now before it gets lost in the mess that is my brain. I was walking out of the shop before getting the kids from school and clear as day I heard “Hoi lieverd, echt een prachtige zon vandaag. Hoe het met jou?” in my mums voice. It instantly brought a smile to my face. I answered in my head that it is a lovely day today and hope she is ok wherever that might be. Loosely translated she said “Hey sweetheart, its a really beautiful sun today. How are you?”.

I was thinking about it the rest of the day, I even went to go and call my mum to let her know I heard her. It was nice because it was so unexpected. With my conditions its not unusual for me to have visual and audio halluncinations. Especially audiable ones. Usually its the odd random word, sometimes internal, sometimes external.

Then I realise within those moments that Mum died in 2014 from lung cancer and the joys that come with having that.

I have mixed emotions when it comes to Mum. Part of me is angry with her and the way she did certain things. I’m also happy and thankful that I had her as a mum, as I had a liberal upbringing. Then when you throw my Dad dying a couple of years ago it all gets a bit confusing and conflicted in my brain so I have to quickly compartmentalise the memories so as to stop being triggered.

I’ve been feeling down lately. I’m struggling with suicidal thoughts again. Planning phase so its escalated from passing thoughts to active. If it gets worse to dates of doing it then, well, I’ll make sure to tell people but not till then. No point worrying them. I’m already the root cause of being the dysfunctional person in the family. But yes. Can’t escape the thoughts anymore. Hanging, wrists, meds… I’ve already crossed the line into abuse of meds again but thats just to escape the cycle. Its not working as it usually does though. Usually I can take something and it will knock me off the thought patterns. It used to be self harm but I’ve not done that since September last year I think when I started burning myself with lighters for a changing and left yet more scarring to my arms and wrists.

On the plus side we have a new member of the family. A doggo. Named Nina. She is a 5 year old rescue dog who was really badly treated, beaten and starved. She has such a lovely temperment though. We are all slowly falling in love with her and her with us. It started off as getting an emotional support animal for me to have. Then evolved into saving a dog from a horrible life and an injection. I’ll keep you posted on how she settles. Fortunately she is 5 so shes toilet trained and also very chilled for a doggie. The ones we have had in the past have had quirks but I haven’t found any with Nina yet. Bella is a bit jealous. She is still the best cat in the world. For me. Which I’m thankful for as I can sit anywhere in the house and she will come and sit with me for company. *looks behind* as demonstrated she has curled up in the fetal position behind me.

Work is proving challenging at the moment. I knew I was going to have highs and lows when I started my venture. Having been burned out from previous rolls and having psychotic episodes I was told to stop working by the doctors. Last March I declared myself open for business and the books are now leveling which is great for charity work. I won’t get into details as I would rather people not see my thoughts if they knew who this was. However, you dear reader, I’m sure have worked it out and if not, could do so quite quickly.

I’ll go back to planning things. Music. Clothes. Who gets what.

It’ll pass.

It has to.

Migraines and knee

Though totally unrelated to each other I had a migraine yesterday which is lingering today when exposed to light, a screen or if I move about. Taken an army of pills which left me feeling sick as a dog. The knee decided to start stopping me from driving properly which I must say is TOTALLY AWESOME when your actually driving and the burning feeling kicks in. It’s crazy. I took a bad tackle at like 14 years old on my right knee playing football and still get pain from it. So I’m laying in bed, leg raised and lights down low.

I’m sure you were all dying to know that!

Managed to cancel therapy yesterday at the last minute as I was holding back vomiting on the screen. Since I do it online I thought best to skip that one.

I’m hungry. Far to lazy to get out of bed. We need to dig out the Drone and use it for supply missions. Granted it’ll wake the kids but what finer way to have a packet of ready salted crisps dropped off. Tempting but D has fallen asleep so no.

B has his holy communion next month so we are planning a party. We did have somewhere booked but since Boris has us under extended lock down the restaurant cancelled all its bookings. So we are going for a garden party. Should be fun, we will get the food ordered in, got the gazebo so now just need to find someone to entertain the kids. Problem is I think clown and all I see is captain spalding in my head. Now that would be an awesome party.

Sorry for the generic post. I promise to do one with pretty photos tomorrow.

Google Photos

I discovered that you can mass download all the photos you have saved with Google Photos. 129k photos. I kid you not! Found this gem of a photo which shows probably my first mobile phone back at the end of high school. Only fitting that its taken in the pub, where I was getting drunk aged 16. Ahh the memories 🙂

I’ve been casually looking through the photos all day. Some great memories, some truly horrific but I think its important to recognise both at the same time. Hide as I might from my past, it always comes back to you. I suppose thats what the medication is for, so I dont remember too much.

I’ve not been well the past few days. Mentally I’m struggling and now I’m getting physical symptoms as well. My stomach in knots, the other me trying to take over and burst out. Its like walking through cement again. I only just got over my last bump and now another one? so soon? I hate this. The way it makes me feel. The thoughts it makes me have and the pain I put through others by not being available.

I had my thearapy yesterday which I was dreading. Turned out to be super useful in the end as he gave me a few more things for my skills toolbox to use when things are getting bad. He also asked if I needed hospitalisation but I couldnt and wont put the burden onto the hospitals. They are busy enough with covid. I’ll get through it. Just wish I knew how to get rid of the physical feelings because its bursting at the seams. All I can do is sit and wait for it to pass. Act normal and keep going. Despite what the other one wants me to do.

Enough of that.

Watched the last episode of friends just now. I never got round to watching the last series so I’ve been watching it on and off with D this and last month. It ended. I wasn’t sad but thats because I was expecting it. D was in tears. I just kept thinking about the reunion episode and how much crap 4 of them had injected into there faces. Joey was the clear winner. Weight gain is natural. Botox is not.

Tomorrow is weekend. I promised B to take him swimming and then a visit to the museum while D goes to work. Looking forward to that. Proper daddy-son day. Hell. Might take him fishing on Sunday too, if I can find a new shelter tent to buy!

Have a great weekend everyone

MusixMatch = Win!

So I discovered an acoustic cover of one of my favourite songs. On your own by Blur. Its an old 90s song but one that instantly transports me back to the mini-disc days. I had one album which had this song on. I was in college, all of 17 and we were headed to Disney Land in Paris. It was part of a college trip to learn about the IT side of things behind the scenes. Which. Well. I dont actually remember anything IT related. I remember sneaking whisky into the park and sight seeing. Anyway. I was in the coach on the way back, 10 hour drive, I had this album on repeat, I closed my eyes and woke up a few hours later and all I remember is hearing this song when I woke up almost near the college.

Instant time travel. Poorly explained but makes me smile.

Smiling is a rare thing around here at the moment. We all have life’s stresses being thrown at us these days. D included with her work and me, well, the mental health and addictions are winning at the moment which I’m trying hard to fix.

As the title implies in the post I’m still listening to lots of music. I discovered this software than spits out the lyrics to the songs you’ve got running in Spotify. So I can have it on my other monitor and sing a-long with a DIY kareoke.

The cat sums up the mood.

Hope everyone else is having an awesome day.

Random News

So I have been meaning to do a post today but for some reason or another I didn’t get the chance. So naturally, as you do. I’m typing this on the mobile wordpress app in the comfort of my bed.

I mention comfort as we bought a new mattress that doesn’t cause your spine to fuse with the strings of the bed. It’s been great so far, never underestimate the awesomeness of a new mattress after living with one with rusty springs.

My god I must be getting to mid-age when I’m rambling about a comfortable bed. Today has been an odd one. S woke up this morning not able to walk on her leg. So instead of school she went to a&e for the day to be told the x-rays were clear and to calpol up. Hopefully she goes back tomorrow as I can’t afford another day away from tinkering laptop donations. Selfish as that might be!

I skipped my therapy session I had booked today but I really wasn’t in the right place mentally. Granted that’s the whole point of it but sitting for an hour discussing addiction and emotional control issues just didn’t seem like a good idea. Instead I watched “the greatest show” with B and popped up some pop corn 🍿.

Some good news. We are getting a second hand dog to hopefully help with having an emotional support animal. Should be interesting but worth a try. Apparently it’s called Luna and should be ready by the end of the month 🙂

About Me

Ok so I finished the About Me page a bit faster than I hoped. I’ll dump it here as well so if anyone stumbles upon it, feel free to follow 🙂

Hi everyone, thanks for looking at the about me page, a page that notoriously everyone hates. I started writing blogs back in 1999 when blogspot was still a thing. Is it still a thing? then I was on vox for ages and then came to find WordPress. I like just dumping my brain onto the keyboard and find it theraputic to just have a place where I can store the thoughts and live them there for a while. Typing things out and then reading it back really works for me.

I guess the whole point of the blog is about giving people an insight into the mind of someone who has several mental health problems, trys to be a good dad and husband and someone who has had massive issues with addiction in their life. I battle with myself, most days and most days I’m okay so long as I am on my meds (and its a long list) I’m fairly stable and happy. I don’t know. Maybe if someone can see that someone like me can do it, then they can. Live that is. Not just exist. My official labels are EUPD, Schizo-affective Disorder, CPTSD from teenage years trauma, Anxiey & Depression and the best one, night terrors. I’m not my labels. I’m just me, which I need to tell myself, often, as I’ve made peace with being a little bit odd.

If you are into honest answers, not to scared to delve into the dark world of things or you would just like to see the world in a different way then I promise not to disappoint!

I’m currently living in Manchester, UK. I love it here. I went to university close by and being able to see it is great because it brings back some really awesome memories from when I was in the halls of residence with my friends for 3 years. As the content on here will be quite personal I’ll have to vague up the answers a little bit. I do have kids, I have an amazing wife and I love the community work that I do. Bit more detail would be my top 5 things in the whole world? being close to my family even if I’m distant or my mood is off, comics, trading cards, collecting cool toys and relaxing. Or being lazy. Depends how you look at it. But personally sat with my favourite people, real or not, makes me calm. The best movies in the world have to be V for Vendetta, Night Watch, Heat, Jurrasic park and kids cartoons. Yes. You read that right, I love nothing more than sitting with B watching Mr Bean, Miraculous lady bug or even Hey Dougie. I love Whitby and Scarborough. Both being my favourite place in the whole world to be. Might not be the warmest place on earth but I just love being next to the sea and thinking of the history of the place.