Its now common that I go to dotis house at least three days in a week. Whether thats for baby sitting duties, or fixingan alexa thats gone postal. I was there yesterday kids came home, hung out with the kids for as long as they could manage.
F was due to come back for 7pm so I was just pottering about, doing some work. Things like that. Then I though oh I’m starving as I didnt make any toasties for me. I thought, well when doti comes home I’ll get us a takeaway as a treat and we can talk and catch up.
She called saying “I’ll be back soon so you can go”, “Oh how come? I dont mind waiting for you”, “Well I do so go”. That hurt. A lot. Gave the kids hugs, ordred the Uber and off I went. Dreams of sharing some food toether and chatting. But no I am just a baby sitter for her.
Still depressed about the whole thing plus I won’t be getting my dream flat for another 7 weeks; it really messed up my head. I was on the computer, watching random stuff to take my mind off things. Then the clock went from 1 to 4 am in a split second, and my back was burning like hell in agony. I checked certain things, and yes, I had a seizure. I love my life.
It’s been a mixed bag of sorts this past week, to be honest. I don’t have the keys for the flat, and I get the answer of “They are still working on it,” which is very useful. I wonder who the last tenant was and how much destruction was involved.
I had some nightmares I couldn’t wake up from, which was a tad annoying. I was up at 5:20 am doing bits and bobs. Then I was cold, so I went back to bed at 9 am. By 11 am, I woke up after stupid dreams. It left me angry and agitated. I hate when that happens. You’re trapped in a flashback, and no matter what you do, you can’t change the thing that is happening to you, and you are powerless. Then you realize you are sleeping. What’s the fastest way to wake yourself up? Eyes. So you’re stuck in a dream, trying to force your eyes open until you wake up and the whole miserable thing ends. You then vow never to sleep again. So let’s see how that one plays out.
The two consultants I saw on Friday were so bad that I raised a formal complaint. As mental health consultants, they should know when they are manipulating or gaslighting. My CPN is looking into it as well.
Yesterday, I was at D’s house babysitting. I managed to get some work done on the computer that is there. Then I opened up a port so I can connect in. As the IP address isn’t static, I’ve knocked up a script hooked up to a cron job, so it lets me know when it’s changed.
[Verse 1] Cross my heart and hope to die You never cross my fucking mind Do you know what your little lies do? You know what I had to fight through Nothing that you say is mildly true Spit deceit through shifty smiles Two faces you’ve had for a while You act like such a fucking child
[Verse 2] Who are you now? You’re so hostile to me I’m feeling homicidal You better run and try and hide Ooh, I was livin’ in denial Through all this time you had me riled up All the shit has finally piled up There’s no chance of reconciling us With the falsehoods I’ve been filing away
[Verse 3] For months, you’ve made these stories up Sick from the untruths you’re throwing up Had me thinkin’ I was crazy but Turns out I’m your favorite thing to discuss You keep on talking, shut it up You keep rubbing salt into the cut Broke the cycle, need to reconstruct You’re no use to me, I’m giving up
What are your parents values? how do they differ from mine?
I think its safe to say, with my parents, that if you do the exact opposite of what they did then you will turn out ok. Evidence number one, “Mummy I have a headache”, “Swallow this” *hands Valium to a ten-year-old*. Evidence 2, All Catholics are evil and you must be better than them because they are sub-human scum and the pakis too.
They had a very unique parenting system. We moved to quite a remote farm and they were working a lot on the water farm. The staff became family and friends I think they taught me and my brother more about life than our parents. That said, we are alive, damaged, but alive so can’t fault them for that. Some of the stuff they pulled, said and done were incredible. They differ so much from my values in just about every way. Racism and evil Catholics are the big stand-out ones. The hatred that man had for religious folks was insane. I am in no way like this, nor are my children. Everyone is equal, everyone can be who or whatever they want to be. Be good to each other and karma is a very real thing.
Lack of empathy, coldness and not understanding – Being a borderline makes understanding other people’s emotions a bit weird. Say I ask you a question and you answer. Most people leave it at the at but no, not me. I’ll be judging the tone of your reply, your body language, and the way you worded it. Everything. Oh god, you must be angry and it’s my fault, Let me cut off my arm or give t you to escape the shame.
Ego – I’m so good at x I can do anything. Skiing down a slope thinking this can’t be hard. Twisted my thumb and almost broke it. That’s just one example.
Wanting to watch the world burn – Nothing gives me greater pleasure than putting myself in a worse position than I already am just for the sake of those words. i.e. Give the beggar all the money I need for rent.
Lying & cheating – Yup usually goes with loyalty but the downside of it.
New social skills – I don’t work well with others because my social skills are somewhat lacking.
Drugs. – And alcohol too. Been clean for a very long time but that voice is and will always be there.
Procrastination. – I will do anything I can to avoid doing the things I need to do.
What are the things I’m looking forward to during my lifetime?
My son meeting his first love, my daughter or stepdaughter getting married, to who or whatever they want. I look forward to a time when both kids can say “I’m happy” or “ feel loved”. Whether that is about me or as parents or they’re partner saying it, it matters not, only that they are happy. Go for that degree but remember to have fun and enjoy it.
If you meant outside of the family setting:
Landing on Mars.
Zombie apocalypse
Deliveries by drones
Viable moon base
Cold fusion reactors
We stop hunting whales
Real working stargate being discovered in Egypt
The first person to buy a country
Aliens sending a signal back to Earth,
Cure for cancer in my lifetime. Hopefully, it won’t mess with the population too much.
opening all my Pokemon cards and putting them away.
Pretty much most of the 1996 line up of the Glasgow Rangers. Ally McCoist, Walter Smith, Hately, Durrant. Why? Because we will be mastered by no fienian bas… Sorry thats my dad implanted in my brain. He was a racist, bigot and lodge member.
I liked them because I was like 13. I bonded with my Dad about that and nothing else really. I never understood the whole evil Celtic thing. I just wanted to spend time with Dad.
I can finally stare at the screen in all its white glory and type at the same time. The sore head has healed. Although I have a bang on my head again. Side of my head this time, weird place to bang. must have been against the wall when I was sleeping. I sleep in this real messed up position thanks to months on the sofa. Curled up, head pressed against the wall. Like a sofa shape. Well, a sleeping on the sofa kind of shape. Best friend said it’ll take a while for the body to adjust. Hope so. Laying down normally causes lower back spasms.
Oh OH while I’m on it. The back brace came in today while I was dog sitting. Put it on, after a lot of faff it didn’t work. The pain still came in, loud and clear as usual. I tried it a few more times during the day but same result. You must line it up perfectly to get the splint to sit in the right spot. Now with someone with reduced left side strength, trying to pull as tightly as I can on the stretchy belt.. yeah, I slapped myself in the face a few times. SO back it goes from whence it came. Crap. Two tea bags left. Somehow, I will try and survive the night. But morning. That’ll be a hard one. I’m still doing coffee and tea in the morning, then coffee from the bean to cup all day then tea in the evenings. Yorkshire tea that is.
I was supposed to go out with a friend for dinner, but my head is feeling like crap at the moment. Thoughts are scattered, repeated trips to the house not helping with memories and I’m having all sorts of weird body problems lately. My right arm had been dead all day. I could dip my fingers in boiling hot water and didn’t feel a thing. My whole right hand and forearm are just numb. It’s a bit better now but the tips are still numb. Probably another side effect. See how it is tomorrow, might have just slept weird.
Some photos I came by today:
I miss my computer and the heavily abused stream deck, also the pretty town you see is Pandy Tudur over in north Wales where we used to live. I had a drone and was messing around with it above the house and took the shot.
The dogs are the constantly mentioned Dobby and Nina that I seem to spend my days dog sitting! I don’t mind the company to be honest. Nina has an early appointment with the vet. She’ll be put under and then her teeth sorted out. She’s missing a few and we think it needs a closer look because she is being fussy about chewing. Hopefully, she will be ok and won’t die from the anaesthetic.
The bright white screen glare was giving me a suntan, so I’ve moved over to outlook to type this as it has a dark feature. I’m boiling. I hate the heat. I know its hot when my anti-sweat pills from the doctors don’t work. Taken a double dose so hopefully that will do the trick. Feeling sick. I think the kimchi tub I had for dinner is trying to escape its nice warm bed in my stomach, which is lovely I must say. Anyway.
Today was a mixed bag. I woke up early and called the mental health team to arrange an appointment with the consultant, so that’s sorted for next Monday. I got all my clothed ready to be washed. Social worker number 1 called to see how things are going, met with social worker number 2 and on Wednesday I’m hosting a meeting with social worker number 3. They’ve also extended my stay here for another week. Sort of happy, sort of sad. I have stability for a week but its frustrating that a property hasn’t been found yet. Hopefully soon.
My CPN and social worker number 3 want to come along to see the consultant with me which is nice. I explained that I’m scared I’ll just say everything is okay when its not. I’m not suicidal again yet which is good, but my voices and hallucinations have made a comeback. Also, that weird waking dream thing keeps happening. Lost in thought. If it doesn’t stop, I’ll call the crisis line and bore them with the details it’s been a few weeks since I phoned them now, I have a CPN to moan to.
Doti asked me to come over and check in on the kids after my meeting today. It was nice Suzi came down and gave me a hug. I bought them sandwiches and sausage rolls. Drinks and treats that they probably wont like, which is fine because I’ll be there tomorrow from 9am. Ben starts his school tomorrow. Think I’m more nervous than he is. He needs to get to the bus stop, jump on till end of the line and then finish with a long walk to the high school. He has all the bus details printed out and laminated. He’s got his phone so if he gets stuck or lost I can track him down and collect him. Suzi is going back on Wednesday, so I’ll have some company apart from the dogs. I ordered some clothes as a treat which should be arriving tomorrow and a back brace.
I looked around online to find a solution to my weak back and people were raving about how good a back brace is. So opted for one of the more expensive ones in the hopes that it will make walking a bit easier. Or if I can stand longer. Standing seems to be the main issue. I can walk, get to the shop, pain starts, get my shopping, rest at the counter while the nice people pack my stuff, get back to the motel room and omg chair I love you feelings when I sit down. Within a minute, less than a minute, the pain goes and I’m happy again. If the back brace helps me last just a couple of minutes longer, I will be happy. Otherwise, it goes back to amazon.
I’ll try and lay down and see if the sweating stops or I magically cool down. Night folks.
I am well emotional. Especially when it has something to do with the following:
Family – especially the kids when they smile, laugh, have an engaging conversation.
Mile stones – Borthdays, Christmases and special events where we hug each other and are generally having a moment.
Church – The unity of people brings a tear to my eye when they talk about jesus and have fierce retoric. I’m not religious I just got when the ex-wife was making me.
Speeches – Terrible for that but oddly enough I can carry out speeches at funerals with no real issues.
Bag pipes – Not because of the pain caused to my ear drum but being half scottish means I have a special place in my heart for them.
Someone might think I have emotional personality disorder..
